Monday, June 13, 2016

WWE Raw 6-13-16

Much like the TNA PPV, Raw begins with a moment of silence for the victims and families of Orlando. TNA's seemed more heatfelt, and they actually lingered on it a bit. Here, it was just "okay cut BACK TO THE SHOW!" "IT'S BEING CALLED THE GREATEST MONEY IN THE BANK PAY PER VIEW OF ALL TIME!" according to who, exactly? New Day comes out and talks about the PPV and they mock Kofi for having "old people shoes". What a bizarre tonal disconnect here. Enzo and Cass come out and say they're cool with New Day. "Those massagers for her pleasure you got stickin' out ya forehead!" And then Big Cass mocks Kofi's shoes. And now they're joking about Enzo fucking a trombone. Or something. Whatever in the fuck is this. And now he's joking about fingering Franchesca II. Xavier says he's the only one who blows his is Franny a...nevermind.


Now the Vaudevillains are out to I think maybe improve this. They mocked them for being children, and then English sang. Not the Bullet Club mocks them for being morons and says this isn't Camp WWE's talent show. "We hate to be the fun police. No we don'tski!" Luke could be a star if we got about 15 seconds of Sex Ferguson even in PG form, but no, we get this. I think an eight man tag is next. Wow was this a weird and bad way to get there.

Kofi flips out of an Aiden monkey flip thanks to the shoes. Heels beat on Enzo, Cass saves and runs wild. Yells a bit too. E dominates Gotch with the abdominal stretch with belly and ass smacking. Magic Killer beats Kofi and his shoes. So New Day retains at the PPV. D-Young and Backlund have THE WORST chemistry of any wrestler/manager...thing...combo ever. Steph is on the phone and then Shane walks in. Jesus did Shane go on vacation to the frickin sun!? Anyway, Shane is leaving in a couple weeks too and Steph wants both shows. They bicker back and forth. Thank the lord above, IT'S LIBERTARIAN KANE! And he has five thousand jokes about fire too.

And then we get Zack Ryder talking to random human beings about Sheamus being in TMNT and Crews beating him. Ryder says "Hi Apollo!" and spooks Sheamus. Ryder just got one over on Sheamus. I know he's getting beaten up tonight. But wow. Shield recap with the Evolution war. Shining Stars go to the green screen beach and cut a promo. Titus comes out and gets jumped by Rusev. Rusev kicks his ass and camel clutches him forever. Rusev vs. Titus - the feud the world has been waiting for.

Dean is out for his wacky talk show with scribbled logos and shit to reunite his brotherhood for the first time in two years. Except for that one Raw they reuinited on for some reason. They chat, a brawl breaks out and Roman superman punches Seth. Dean lays him out and wants the MITB case. Charlotte faces Paige next.

But first, Steph buryies Dean for making a show all about himself. They try to tell a story in about two minutes. A minute in, we already have the Figure 8 being countered into a small package. She shoves Charlotte off onto the floor, Dana throws her in, and the Rampaige ends it. So Paige should get a Summerslam title shot off of this, but it's odd to do that BEFORE THIS PPV THAT SHE ISN'T IN. Secret Agent Cesaro and the Underdog from the Underground yammer for a bit backstage. We're getting Sami vs. Cesaro because everyone in MITB has to face each other.

Sheamus and Zack have a back and forth match. Apollo comes out and hits a slick jumping forearm smash right to the jaw! Kane MITB recap. ADR and Owens argue and then Kane makes Lucha Dragons vs. ADR/Owens and if the Dragons win, they take their spots in the PPV. Cesaro vs. Zayn is up. Zayn jumps into an uppercut. Blue Thunder gets 2. Power superplex gets 2.5. Backslide gets 2. Cesaro goes for the Neutralizer, but Sami counters it into a code red and wins.

We get a giant video package on how WWE's broadcasting is more future-proofed, how the company is going green, and how WWE and DeVry can help get you a degree. Cole introduces us to a match FIFTEEN YEARS IN THE MAKING - Cena vs. AJ. They recap how this just all starts up TWO WEEKS AGO. Great two weeks though. Cena talks about how if you look at PWG, Ring of Honor, and New Japan, AJ Styles is a name that cements them all. Excellent back and forth here leads to Cena leading a let's go Cena/AJ Styles chant. AJ says that if he was here 15 years, Cena wouldn't have been a 15 time world champ, or won the Rumble twice, or be in crappy movies. Cena says the club isn't full of bullets - it's full of bull and that he left his balls in Japan. Corny stuff, but really good overall. "See that? YOU GONNA FIND OUT WHY I'M NOT EVERY INDY GUY FACING YOUR K-MART SHOPPIN' ASS!" Love it.

MITB 2013 recap with Orton RKOing RVD and winning MITB. Boy did I forget all about that - but they showed him beating Bryan at Summerslam. SD recap with ADR and Owens arguing and Sami diving on them and Owens beating Cesaro. ADR jumps Kalisto and dumps him with a violent back suplex. Drills him with lariats too. Boy is Kalisto great at ADR's personal bump machine. Love Owens bringing back the MX spot of bringing your partner over to your corner for a tag. Powerbomb to Sin Cara ends it. ADR superkicks Owens as he kneels in celebration. What a dick.

Hollywood Miz is dressed as a paramedic for his movie and wants a coffee - but his PA has let it get cold. Riveting. Dean vs. Jericho FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER ON RAW is next. Owens tells Steph this whole night has been nothing but crap. Well, he's not wrong.Owens is offended by Sami being on commentary, and wants to be there too. Steph agrees, so ADR wants to be on commentary and Steph says they have enough commentators - so he can be the time keeper.

 Shield brawl recap. More with Shane and Steph, and Shane talks about bonding with Corporate Kane - but also having to be careful because of Demon Kane being nearby.  Kane asks if he isn't getting the job due to the car battery to the testicles thing and Shane says no - but it doesn't help. So Shane is running SmackDown because...he says so? Cesaro introduces Jericho as being from Stupid Idiotville. Nothing much to the match itself. It's a backstory for the commentary. Jericho gets the Walls, but Dean gets the ropes and Jericho...thinks the ref has stopped the match in his favor for some reason. Dean wins and a brawl breaks out. Sami dives on the pile. Jericho wins out, climbs up and does his wacky sitting pose with the case - so he's not winning.
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