Sunday, June 19, 2016

WWE Money in the Bank 2016

Pre-show begins with audio issues. Great bit where Lita and Renee say they got married and we see them with some male strippers. Booker's "IS THAT GI BRO!?" made me chuckle. God, this AJ-Cena recap rules all.  Lita's "Will we see the Bullet C... THECLUB!? amused me. '80s Fabulous Ones-esque Breeeango video shows them being burned by the tanning bed. They come out and their condition has somehow worsened with six days to heal. Byron is dressed in a ridiculous outfit here.
The entire "point" of this match is every single movement and thing done to Breezango hurts them. Fantastic machine gun chops by Goldust result in Mauro name-dropping Kobashi-Misawa. Final Cut wins it for Golden Truth. Truth does a wacky celebration for a win - glorious! Titus father's day video with his kids. Cesaro is backstage with some bright red Beats. I guess they're on loan from Kidd. Corey narrates an outstanding video on MITB, set to a song about hornets and bees that strangely works well for it.
Nattie and Becky say next to nothing beyond that Charlotte will turn on Dana. Bubba bullies Kaliso a bit, but the faces get double dives leading to a "Game of Thrones isn't the only show with flying dragons!" call by Mauro. Doomsday Device gets 2. Swanton wins it for the faces. Lita talks about Seth like he's a total conquering hero returning against all odds. Show closes with a Seth-Reigns recap. "Big Dog walks in as champ, BIG DOG WALKS OUT AS CHAMP!" Outstanding MITB hype video starts things off and really puts over the show being in Vegas. It's so weird for WWE to tailor video packages to places now that it really stands out. Not much to Enzo and Cass's promo beyond Enzo being in an outfit that is ridiculous even by his standards.

The Club now has AJ's black, blue, and silver colors. New Day is dressed like a box of ice cream pebbles. Seems pretty fitting for them actually. New Day buries everyone and points out how bald the Club guys are. "We are going to show you why we are the ELITE team in this industry"...complete with licking. Greatness. This is just constant madness from everyone. Nice staredown between the face teams. Nice bit by the Villains landing tons of kicks to Kofi in the corner. Luke is late pulling Enzo out after a rocket launcher and the ref counts 3, but it doesn't count. Botch-a-mania chant should be coming up anytime now. Then Kofi goes to do his kick to Enzo, but Enzo is pushed off the cradle too soon. Whirling dirvish gets 2 thanks to Gallows. Gallows standing around with an invisible force field preventing him from attacking Big E for some reason. Then Cass kicks him to the floor and New Day hits the Big Ending/DDT to win. This was hilariously bad.

Love Owens making MITB seem like an important event by saying what he did a year ago. Jericho and Owens get into a glorious argument and Owens gives ADR the "man most likely to speak Spanish" award. Goddamn is Owens great and then buries ADR for calling everyone "perro" and wonders if he has a dog. "Do you speak Spanish now?" "No, I just know it because he says it ALL THE TIME!" Dolph looks like he's in gear you'd get on a knockoff action figure from 1992. Baron dominates with a ton of boring offense. And now Dolph is calling spots while the fans chanting "boring" Dolph's superkicked is blocked and JBL talks about tennis for a bit. JBL's talking about tennis and the crowd is singing that they want some Bayley. Amazing match. A Feed Me More chant breaks out too. Ryback and Bayley are more over than the guys actually in the match. Deep Six on the floor. This OF ALL MATCHES gets an NJPW near countout spot. Baron hits a running punch and roars. "Styles make matchups. This is certainly the case here." JBL is legit sounding like a video game with random soundbytes just thrown in anywhere. End of Days ends this after 15 years.

Womens match is up. heels are out first, then the faces. Hart Attack hits. Bunch of nothing. Natural Selection wins it. Such a bad show so far. Not exactly living up to the GREATEST MITB IN HISTORY hype they used for it. YES! NATTIE HEEL TURN! Dean says it's fun to beat Seth up. Yes! Time for the Sheamus match to turn this show around! I left and took care of the cat litter. I get back and SHEAMUS STILL HAS HIM IN A CHINLOCK. Crowd does nothing and we've still got Rusev vs. Titus to go. AND JBL IS TRYING TO EXCITE US BY SAYING SHEAMUS IS A FORMER WWE CHAMPION. That doesn't do Sheamus or anyone in the WWE Title picture any favors. Super White Noise gets 2, but Sheamus gets cocky and cradled and loses. Wow did this help no one.

AJ comes out to his usual deal. PBR GEAR IS BACK for Cena! AJ and Cena are back to marking out over their reaction. Incredible. Lots of back and forth chain wrestling. AJ taking 15 bumps off that monkey flip. Jesus. AJ avoids the AA, gets a you can't see me, and lands a forearm! They go to the floor and Cena goes to toss him into the steps - but he Dukes of Hazzard's his way over them. AJ dominates mid-ring. "IS THIS ALL HE GOT!? SHIT!" AJ landed right on his tailbone off a backdrop. Ouch! Dropdown>dropkick by AJ! Cena hits the shoulderblocks, but AJ avoids the protopbomb and eats an enzuiguri.
 Cena goes for the fisdrop, but AJ kicks him. Inside-out forearm pescado!  AJ GOES FOR A CORKSCREW DIVE THROUGH THE MIDDLE AND TOP ROPES and misses. KENTA combo by AJ and a basement forearm is avoided into the STF! Cena chats to AJ for a bit about spots before a Super AA is countered. Phenomenal forearm is countered into the AA, but AJ turns that into the calf slicer! Cena goes for the fist drop and...kinda hits it sorta. AA gets 2 and the crowd goes crazy. AJ counters the flying legdrop with a kinda-powerbomb. Clash hits for 2! Springboard 450 is countered with knees. Great stuff with AJ going for the forearm, but Cena catches him and gets the AA - but AJ's feet hit the ref. Club comes in and hits the Magic Killer and puts AJ on him for the win! I'd have only had the Magic Killer win that match if it won them the tag titles earlier. Instead, the move that couldn't even win in the opener beat "the greatest of all-time".

MITB match is up and Owens is easily the biggest star in the eyes of the fans. Kevin hates Sami so much that he's GONNA RUN...and then just superkick Sami. Love it! Weird bit where Jericho holds the ladder and Cesaro dives like he'll crossbody it, but it's moved so he just...kinda grabs it. Jericho yells about 69 tacks while  bonking the ladder into his head once for each tack. Or he just wants to get "69" on WWE TV as much as possible. Uppercut train to ADR, Jericho, and Dean. CANNONBALLS APLENTY by KO. Kick by Sami and then the Helluva to Jericho and KO. ADR sets Cesaro up for a double stomp ONTO THE LADDER. No way this ends well. Shocked no one got hurt. Armbar on the ladder by ADR nearly sends them toppling before it's on. Sloppy codebreaker by Jericho to Dean as he pulls him off the ladder.

Sami and Jericho go at it and KO dumps them. Swing to ADR, then a swing to Jericho ONTO THE LADDER. KO hits a frog splash onto Dean on the ladder! Sami hits the Michonoku driver on KO ON THE LADDER IN A WEIRD POSITION! Holy crap! Sami's like "I can't reach...I...CANNOT MOVE MY LEGS UP ANOTHER RUNG FOR SOME REASON!" ADR beats him with a ladder. A ladder is mid-ring acting as a base for two ladder bridges for everyone to fight on.  Sami fights and gets to climb, but Jericho nixes that and Dean hits a draping DDT off the ladder. KO powerbombs Sami onto the ladder bridge! Dean and KO fight and Dean wins! Dean cashing in and beating Roman would be fantastic - he needs the momentum and him as a heel has more legs than him as a face in this incarnation anyway. And then JBL says it's a certainty he'll win it after a cash-in tonight - so much for that happening.

 Pre-Show panel recaps the pre-show and some other stuff. Lana introduces THE BULGARIAN BRUTE AND HER FIANCE Rusev. Rusev's tiny trunks are horrible, and yet make him look super-slim as well. Love the US Champ text. Titus is put over as "THE MEGA-DAD OF THE YEAR"...and then because that wasn't ridiculous enough a thing to say, "CELEBRITY mega dad of the year".Titus throws hands against the dasher boards. Long cobra clutch spot by Rusev. Rusev's accolade is countered into a powerslam for 2. High kick>superkick>accolade RUSEV CRUSH! Rusev cuts a promo on Titus's kids. "YOU SEE YOUR FATHER OVER THERE? HE'S A LOSER - HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!" GO RUSEV!

Main event time at 10:49 - the new norm apparently. Seth comes out in his new top and gear to a great pop. Seth ditching the blonde streak in his hair is a huge improvement for his overall look. Crowd chants "you can't wrestle" and Seth outwrestles Roman before...being shoulder tackled. Roman hits corner lariats and calls him "little brother" while the crowd chants "Ro-man sucks!" Roman beats his ass from pillar to post, thus forcing the small man to play the natural babyface role of coming back against a much larger enemy. BRILLIANT! Splash mountain hits for 2. Roman cocks the fist, but eats a kick and a buckle shot.

Byron says "HERE COMES ROWANS" and Seth hits a flip dive. Pedigree leads to a flip out and A SUPERMAN PUNCH by Roman that is called Tyson-like. Bull-fucking-shit. Slingblade and HIGH FLY FLOW BY SETH gets 2. Roman's gear being full of straps and colored bands makes him look like a mid'90s Image comic book character. Sunset flip buckle bomb and the superkick hit! Superplex by Seth and "the Falcon's arrow" by Seth gets 2! BIG DOGGY BOMB GETS 2! Logically, why would the rollthrough sitout powerbomb be any more damaging than the splash mountain also ending in a sitout - but one that puts guys higher up? Buckle bomb is avoided and the Superman punch gets 2!

Seth goes to the floor and Roman misses a spear and gets KOed. CAN THE BIG DOG OVERCOME THE ODDS!? A huge "Seth Seth Seth!" chant hits. Spear, but there's no ref. Gets 2. PEDIGREE counter to the spear GETS 2! Actual pedigree hits and he wins it! Holy shit! Dean should cash in now and win it! Dean runs in, jumps him with the case and cashes in! From CZW to WWE  Champion! Shame that they've booked him like shit this year - but they have a legit chance to fix all that now.

For the first time since Seth's win, a first-time ever World title win actually feels important. Roman's SHOULD have, but they gave him two nothing reigns to build up the third reign that wound up also being nothing.

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