Monday, April 15, 2013

Raw 4-15-13

The Impact ripoff vid called Cena-Henry "a brutal match". Well, that's true. Nice hype for Punk's promo. Orton and Sheamus are starting the show against Big Show, in the traditional BABYFACE ADVANTAGE handicap match... until the end of the match, perhaps. Nice battering ram off the top from Sheamus. Cole brought up Mark Henry's attack on Sheamus here, so perhaps they'll make it a Show/Henry tag match at ER and do Orton's turn there. I beg to differ with Cole saying this would be very entertaining. VERY ENTERTAINING armbar from Show. They did the electric chair they always do, but Show made it great by breathing like he was giving birth. Loved the bump Show took for Orton's dropkick. Brogue kick set up the RKO nicely and gave the faces a win. Somehow, that was only 10 minutes long. Babyfaces won with the numbers edge and being able to tag in and out to keep a fresh man in.

3MB's deal from SD was recapped, and they're going to call out the Shield.Loved Drew demanding a hand-written apology note. YAY, BROCK'S COMING TO MURDER THEM! Loved NINJA BROCK's clothesline and F5 on the barricade to Heath. Crowd chanted one more time after he did two of them. Heyman cut a hell of a promo about HHH being a warrior, a fighter, and then pitched an OLD-SCHOOL STEEL CAGE MATCH! Kofi-Cesaro for the title is next.

BUT FIRST, WWE needs to talk about how great they are with Make a Wish. Thank God - King predicted a win for Kofi, so Cesaro's retaining. He yodeled and was so ridiculous with it, it almost worked. Cesaro's really been hurt since Swagger came back - they took away EVERYTHING involving the American flag, which downgraded his gear and overall look tremendously. He looked so awesome with the flag and jacket, and now just looks like a dude...who yodels. Cole told a wacky story about Cesaro learning yodeling WHILE RAISING A FAMILY OF ST. BERNARDS ON A FARM. WHAT!? Loved Cesaro doing Jericho's old little wimp kicks on Kofi when he was grounded. Nice OLE OLE OLE chant here. Kofi hit his kick, but it sent Cesaro to the floor - further cementing a loss. Froggy-body got caught into a smooth backbreaker. Shockingly, Kofi won after an awesome counter sequence, including reversing a top-rope move into the Neutralizer attempt. Cesaro's face first bump for the kick was amazing. Kofi, FROM GHANA, said he brought the title back America. Yeah, no.

MITB cash-in was shown in full and Dolph is coming out next. But first, TAKE PART IN THE WWE knowledge game on Facebook, and get exclusive videos...that probably aren't anywhere near as great as the ones in WCW/NWO Thunder. Cole rattled off stupid bullshit like THE AVERAGE CASH-IN TIME BEING 92.2 DAYS. Dolph bragged and kissed AJ, leading to a zoom in on Big E. Alberto AND HIS NEEDLESSLY BRIGHT YELLOW SHIRT THAT FITS NO PART OF HIS ACT IN ANY WAY came out. Alberto demanded his rematch not just tonight, BUT RIGHT NOW. Vickie came out and delivered '60s Batman stilted dialogue, and actually made Alberto-Dolph now. ZEB came out with his tie again, and basically cut the same promo as on SD saying that it was due to Swagger than Dolph won. Patriot Lock on the floor, and I love Alberto's bright red and white gear. This deal got TO THE BACK'd for the tag champs walking backstage.

They're out to face the PTPs in their best of 9,000 series. They hyped up Taker/Team Hell No against the Shield next week for Raw. Wow. Probably Taker's last Raw match ever. King brought up Pancake Patterson. Tag champs won. Cole talked about Ryback's attack as him PURSUING AGGRESSION ON JOHN CENA. WHAT!? A Norelco ad for a shaver aired with pube shaving and the guy saying "I'd fuck me". PG. They did a backstage promo from Ryback, which was great overall. Ryback showed clips of things, which they timed in poorly at times, but justified the turn perfectly by showing that Cena wasn't there for him when he should have been. And he had a great line about Cena being Superman, and he's kryptonite. This was basically a miniature version of Bully explains the Aces and 8s, and worked. Hell, it was damn near perfect.

Brock killing 3MB was recapped. Truth's out to face Barrett, who has to prepare for a number 1 contender's battle royal on ME. JBL referenced the Andy Griffith Show, which Cole was ordered to explain immediately. This was every match they've ever had, but with Truth getting a crucifix cradle for 2, oh, and TRUTH WON WITH THE Little Jimmy Finale, called a DDT by King. HE JUST WON THE TITLE LAST WEEK. Brickie was in the back and Teddy talked with them about the Swagger-Alberto deal. Everyone was a dick to Brad.

To continue the vibe of nothing going on, THE GREAT KHALI CAME OUT. Cole hyped WWECOMMUNITY - LEARN ABOUT HOW GREAT WWE IS, ANYTIME, ANYWHERE. Khali's teaming with Santino against the Rhodes Scholars. Sandow made tremendous wacky faces during their intro. They did some wackiness with the cobra, Hornswoggle's mini-cobra, and Sandow won via holding the tights. Fandango is next. DUN DUN, DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN!

King was mid-ring cutting a promo, with his forehead looking terrifying, he put him over as being the only man to win his debut at WM, and against the first undisputed champ and put over Fandangoing, and then he came out and they put over how great his song did on iTunes. Johnny Curtis will make more from his royalty check than he has in the past year, and the win over Jericho came off like a massive deal thanks to this. The crowd Fandango'd despite this going on for nine hours, and then he told them to go Fandango themselves since they couldn't say his name. Cena talked about Ryback and being in his yellow shirt...while in a blue one. Yeah this was nothing. Swagger came out to face Dolph, this was apparently made during the Brickie deal that wasn't really recapped well after.

They recapped the Swagger attack earlier tonight, but didn't bother doing that for the backstage deal until Dolph came out and they just went over things verbally instead of showing it, and it still didn't quite make sense. King backed up JBL saying that all Ryback did was speak the truth about Cena. JBL talked about Swagger getting more pins than Hodge or Angle, and Swagger having a supermodel wife. I liked King's line about AJ being Miss Do Not Disturb 2012. Swagger looked like a dumbfuck chanting WE THE PEOPLE and getting kicked as a result. Swagger called a knee to the gut spot loudly. Swagger pinned the champ in a nothing match, so it'll be a 3-way. Loved Cole referencing JBL's great uncle's lures. Second schoolboy finish on the show. Alberto attacked Swagger from behind and did the armbar off the ramp spot.  They showed Rock's tweets about him just letting his injuries scar up...something I'm sure he won't regret in five years.

Sheamus tried to cut a promo backstage with Striker, but was mowed over by Mark. DESTROYING BACKSTAGE SETS IS WHAT HE DO! Punk cut an awesome promo and actually appeared to get at least one good night's sleep over the past week. He said he was looking for his next challenge at all times, and then just left. WWE congratulated themselves for setting a record at WM, and Booker chewed Teddy out for making another decision without him. Nikki's facing Kaitlyn, who took a crazy bump on the apron for a leg sweep. King brought up one having implants without actually saying that, which was glorious. This went on forever before the Bellas switched and won. Ryback cutting a live promo is next.

They recapped the Show-CELTIC VIPERS deal, and Sheamus-Henry deal. Wow, the tag match I thought would be good for ER will happen on SD. Dammit, Cena changed into his yellow shirt! They put Ryback over as the biggest threat to Cena's title reign...that is on day eight. Also, Cena's an 11-time WWE Champion. Cena delivered a bunch of stilted exposition and told "jokes". Cena said that he issued an open challenge, and Ryback didn't accept it, and instead waited. The crowd chanted boring, which Cena chalked up to Ryback's highlights in a great way. Cena said that AS FRIENDS, HE FOUGHT WITH ORTON, HHH, and others... WHAT!? They also showed the Shield really quickly. Cena said Ryback lacked a brain and a dick. Okay, any attack from Ryback is totally justified now. They talked in hushed tones about seeing the Shield without saying it. After talking about Ryback's dick, Cena took his shirt off.

When the Shield came out, Cole actually tried to sell it like Ryback was in trouble. Really now. Cena did a little jig to get into position for their beating. I loved Ryback just leaving Cena there to take a beating since the whole point of this is that Cena did the same to him. They hit the triple powerbomb and the crowd chanted one more time. Awesome. The attack stuff here ruled, but much of this show sucked.

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