In summation - Alberto-Swagger was their best match yet and well-worth seeing, the rest was largely skippable. Main event was good, but would've been better in clipped form.
Alberto being a dipshit and wanting a rematch with a bum knee on Raw was recapped, along with THE NEW WORLD CHAMPION jobbing, during the intro vid. Also, Orton and Sheamus overcame the odds in beating one guy. Fandango's girl has a super-hot blue and gold dress on and it's riding quite high. They showed three people pointing their fingers in the air, which constituted FANDANGOING TAKING OVER THE WORLD. Also, FANDANGOING IS NOW BIGGER THAN THE HARLEM SHAKE. Okay, meme dead. WWE has killed it. Fandango has a nasty wound on his right shoulder that is incredibly distracting. As is using "Fandangoing" is a euphemism for fucking. He's rambling on forever about his name...did they shoot an hour of actual programming because the filler is already apparent less than ten minutes into the show. Santino's right arm is now entirely covered in tattoos. Santino is now dancing with a sock puppet on his hand...this is prime time TV. Oh good, Cole's laughing so you know it's REALLY FUNNY. Instead of it taking 20 minutes for a holla holla tag match, it took them TEN MINUTES TO SET UP SANTINO-FANDANGO.
FANDANGO'S ENTRANCE THEME IS TAKING THE WORLD BY STORM. Now they're talking about world championship dancers. Santino is missing kip up as a lot to set up Fandango destroying him. JBL is so bored by this, he's not even trying to get Santaino's name right. Fandango's new finisher is yet another variant on the Complete Shot, only instead of the little boogie he did on Raw a couple of weeks ago, it's basically the Knox Out. Well, that's at least a bit different from Random Mid-Card Finisher #2903. Booker and Teddy are in mid-expositional argument. OH NO. Show is rightfully pissed at Booker for putting him in a handicap match and thankful to Teddy for giving him a partner tonight against TWO MEN. Well, that's valid. Why are the heels being made more sympathetic than faces? Nice recap of Kofi's title win - actually makes the title win seem important. And he's facing Barrett...so at least one champ gets to look weak. TREMENDOUS hype vid for Taker's first match on Raw in three years. Gorgeous shot of he and Team Hell No bathed in smoke. So hyped to see Bryan in the same ring with Taker.
They're talking about the Kofi-Barrett feud being reborn here, and somehow tying that into WWE's site devoted to how great a corporation WWE is. Kofi's character considers Random US Title Win #233 for him to be a bigger deal than HIM MAIN EVENTING WITH RANDY ORTON. TREMENDOUS punt kick to Kofi's ribs on the floor. Cole's talking about his Coke spilling and JBL is mocking him for using a fiber supplement, further making the content on this show seem meaningless. Kofi's landing some shockingly good shots to the ribs - for a guy who mainly does flashy stuff, he's actually able to throw some stuff that looks credible. I love Kofi winning the same way the Kid did against Ted DiBiase - heel got cocky, went for a lazy pin, and he got cradled to lose. It's a shame the Samoan drop used to set it up looked so terrible. The ENTIRE NEW SHEAMUS-HENRY FEUD IS RECAPPED...in like ten seconds since they just did the same spot on two shows. And now Sheamus is lowering himself to the heel's level by attacking him out of nowhere. Wonderful.
Oh goodie, a recap vid for the world title feud they've already recapped. Alberto-Swagger is up with no hype beforehand. Third time this match has happened in two weeks. I love JBL calling Cole out on the idiocy of calling Zeb Jack's founding father. Cole using the phrase "deja vu from Raw" amuses me greatly. They did some moves and went to a break. The show's 50 minutes old and dragging terribly. Swagger stayed in control, DURING THE BREAK ON THE WWE APP. Well, my life feels richer for knowing that. JBL calling this a physical chess match was ALMOST VINTAGE ZBYSKO! This "bad leg" angle would be easier to grasp if both of Alberto's legs weren't wrapped up with some kind of medical device - black supporter for the right, and white bandages for the left.
Yes, yes Jack can say WE THE PEOPLE. Somehow, those three words constitute propoganda to Cole. JBL rightly called him out on that. I like Ricardo chanting along with the forearms to the back before the backstabber. Hot damn, a new method for the armbar! I dig it. Armbar into the ankle lock...and then he just got the ropes. Match might've peaked there. Second Swagger bomb gets countered into a possible kick, leading to a possible ankle lock and counter again. Nice basement superkick from Alberto. This is actaully getting very good, which is more than I can say for their WM match. Sweet rollthrough into the ankle lock into the armbar again, then a cover out of it from Swagger and a cradle wins. Yup, that was worlds better than the WM match. Ryback on Raw will be recapped next.
Outstanding recap of the Ryback deal since it showed Ryback being attacked a bunch and... Cena not helping him like he said. Justifable heel turns are always a lot better, even if this one's a bit shaky due to the needlessly wordy promo. Cena's portion of this would've been better if they'd edited out the "AND WE WERE FRIENDS!" bit since, while it makes sense now given that everyone's a face, they weren't then, so it all seems fake. YAY SHIELD PROMO. Love Rollins doing YOU CAN'T SEE ME and Reigns saying that doesn't work anymore. I love the Shield explaining that Ryback's on their side now due to understanding injustice. Love Ambrose basically saying that beating the Shield is more impressive than 'Taker's streak since that's only at WM, and they're undefeated, period. Cannot believe that on Raw, Jon Moxley, Tyler Black, and Bryan Danielson will be in the ring with 'Taker in what will probably be his final TV match.
Khali's wacky bunch is wrestling. Rosa, Primo, and Epico are their opponents...due to a parking space. Khali in a tiny car seems quite painful. AND WHY WAS HORNSWOGGLE DRIVING when Nattie was there? Cole expositing about Bret Hart and Neidhart is amusing. Everyone bickering over James Brown, James Bond, and Khali's movie history was something. This was a disaster to the degree that Cole apologized for this, begged folks to not turn the channel, and then said this would only happen in WWE. That's quite the burial of the company. Hooray, ANOTHER RECAP FROM THE SHOW THAT MATTERS. Punk's promo did rule though. And now it's time for ANOTHER RAW RECAP - involving Brock. This show is going to die a ratings death judging from the last 15 or so minutes.
WWE SUPERSTARS AND DIVAS SIGNED OVER 50,000 AUTOGRAPHS DURING MANIA WEEKEND. Brock's attacks are so great with JBL narrating them. Brock is amazingly light on his feet still despite age, injuries, and generally not liking pro wrestling. Henry came out and Cole said you had to admire Sheamus for what he did - attacking someone in a cowardly fashion and lowering himself to their level. Outstanding video for the HOF ceremony via digital distribution until MIDNIGHT. A fan has a very non-PG sign with Sheamus's face on a drawn dick. Well, he is a dickhead. I love Show doing Sheamus' over the ropes clubbering, but with overhand chops. I'm digging Sheamus's roll off the missed battering ram with him landing flat-footed - very impressive for a guy his size. Josh saying THERE ARE 17 WORLD TITLES between these four guys really made being a world champ seem meaningless. The longer they linger on Sheamus doing the White Noise on Show, the more evident it is that Show is clasping his hands together to help him. Nice grounded kneelift from Show to Sheamus. I love Show bringing back a cocky cover for the Final Cut. Cole called this AMAZING TAG TEAM WRESTLING. It's fine, but I wouldn't go that far. It's a lot like a mid-'80s AWA match where you'd have Greg Gagne team with some random big name, they'd have a perfectly fine match, that would be it. Show and Sheamus trading shots back and forth rules. Show locking him in a Vulcan nerve pinch rules slightly less, but does work because JBL is talking about it affecting Sheamus's ability to use his right hand. TREMENDOUS face on Sheamus after a back club from Show. Nice high kick from Henry and kneeling DDT from Orton. Chokeslam from Show to Orton wins.
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