Monday, April 22, 2013

Raw 4-22-13

The Shield's SINISTER PLOT against Taker results in a match tonight. And good lord is Cena's stilted dialogue a killer to hype up these opening vids. JESUS CHRIST is a close-up on Heyman's a face a terrifying way to start Raw. Heyman hyped up the footage of the 3MB's destruction as excellent, and oh my yes it was. Best squash match in ages. Then he hyped up HHH as a first-ballot HOFer. Tremendous. Heyman having no idea how he's considered a liar was glorious. HHH isn't being a star by pedigreeing a middle-aged non-wrestler. This was an outstanding use of 10 minutes. Dolph faces Jericho in their latest...should be good, but probably won't be great match.

THE WWE APP HAS BEEN DOWNLOADED OVER FIVE MILLION TIMES! It's free, so what? Truth's out and they've got the WE'RE IN ENGLAND, SEE phone booth and old tyme car. Truth's rapping again. What's Up is over instantly. JBL rolling his eyes at Cole rapping was appropriate. He should've done that for Cesaro's yodeling - maybe they'd nix it then. Big E is tweeting about a new intro that MAY include a horse-drawn carriage and/or sparklers. Truth won a nothing match in a few minutes. Holy crap. Truth also has a giant cross as a back tat now.

The show might be peaking with THE SHIELD ARRIVING VIA HELICOPTER and leaving that via Range Rover. Tons of Funk are out since Brodus is facing Cody. There's a Sandow cosplayer in the crowd being bowed to - tremendous. The crowd is Fandangoing and is cheering JBL. Sandow did the worst Savage necksnap ever. Won with a cradle thanks to the tights though. Generic Velocity heel #3395 win. He's now THE COUNT OF CLASS as well. They recapped the world title win from Dolph. Dolph admired the belt, and AJ called him Zigglypuff and Dolph knocked E for creeping during AJ-Dolph time.

WWE IS AN AMAZING COMPANY, AND JOHN CENA LOVES MAKE A WISH KIDS. GO TO WWE COMMUNITY TO FIND OUT HOW AMAZING WWE IS! Cole recapped the Punk deal while two fans, dressed as Hogan from different eras were behind the announce team. The Shield cut an awesome promo on Taker, with Ambrose being amazing and both Reigns and Rollins continuing to improve to be somewhat close to him. Ambrose has a career far beyond in-ring in WWE - he'll be the next big manager they have if they ever get big into them again. Jericho's out to face Zigglypuff next. Jericho was shown making Dolph tap to hype this match up. How nice of them to remind everyone of him being a loser. Cole reminded everyone that Jericho's CONTRACT WAS TERMINATED THANKS TO DOLPH and that took him out for a few months. Another fine reminder of wackiness that probably wasn't needed. I loved Jericho doing wacky foot movements to escape a headscissor by Dolph. They brought up Jericho losing to Fandango at 'Mania while saying he's got a shot here at being in the world title match...shouldn't Fandango want a part of that action, too?

Crowd Fandangoed again after the break. They went for...something in the corner that wound up getting fucked up. Dolph did a sleeper and they showed a hickey on his thigh. Then after the jumping DDT, they showed Jericho's evolving bald spot. Loved the crowd doing a wave and Jericho joining in. Not so much digging the WE ARE AWESOME chant. Fandango's theme hit during the walls and gave Dolph the win - I'm fine with that. Odd to not have Fandango there though. They showed Ryback leaving Cena last week, and announced Cena-Ryback for the title...a shot that Ryback earned via losing to Henry on the biggest show of the year. Josh asked Mick about how this era is different from the Attitude era, and Mick instead talked about Ryback-Cena. Okay then. The I'd FAQ Me Norelco ad aired.

Cody's out to face Sweet T, who I'm guessing will win to ensure proper 50/50 booking for the mid-card, unless you're Cesaro, in which case, you can never win. I'm astonished Cole didn't make up a story about Cody giving facial hair tips to the royal family. Love the delayed butterfly suplex from T. JBL talked about Cody being SWASHBUCKLING! Loved Sandow demanding that the ref learn to count, please. Cody's got a giant red welt on his thigh. TENSAI HIT A MONKEY FLIP! Holy shit. JBL compared Tensai's rolling senton to Otto Wanz, which bewildered Cole. Shovelin' Senton got the win for Tensai. Dug this match - probably his best one since returning that didn't involve Sheamus. Kane and Bryan did a hilarious, wacky skit involving Taker, cell phones, diagrams, and hugging before the Shield attacked them.

They replayed this then had Cole spew bullshit over SD's tag match main event SETTING THE WORLD ABUZZ. Great highlight reel for it, but nothing about it seemed like it would be worthy of SETTING THE WORLD ABUZZ. Maybe it was the Big Show's chokeslam...that he does in every match. Josh asked Ryback to "explain his actions", which for some reason didn't result in Ryback massacring him. He also wants Foley in the ring tonight. RYBACK RULES. Okay then. Big E's got a new theme that lacks any of the flow of his last one, but has added weightlifting chalk to his entrance. WWE.COM COUNTS DOWN THE 50 GREATEST WWE TITLE MATCHES IN HISTORY because the title turns 50. Ryder might last 50 seconds in there with Big E. Love the use of the triple backbreaker spot - shame they took that out of the WWE games. Nice backflip bump from E off the missile dropkick from Ryder. Big E's theme says 3 ain't enough, he needs 5...which isn't his gimmick now. Shield 6-man is apparently next.

Show came back to a recap of the Shield-Taker deal from two weeks ago. Taker's intro looked even cooler with the Union Jacks to the side of the set. Taker was 1-on-3 for a few seconds, but Team Hell No saved him. Great little brawl before the break. Nice Kaientai-esque spot from Bryan and Kane with the basement dropkick-surfboard spot. Taker came in shockingly early and did some jabs and fell during a short-arm clothesline. Surreal to see Jon Moxley in the ring with the Undertaker in a match. Audio muted for a second which was a bit odd. JBL put the Shield over as possibly the best faction in WWE history, and Cole backed it up by saying they've never lost, including at WM. Rollins took an amazing VINTAGE JANNETTY flip bump for the flying clothesline. Ambrose is trending worldwide and Rollins took a tremendous back bump off the suicide dive - kinda like what Roode took off a whip into the buckle against Sting a few months back. Rollins is determined to make himself a star in this match.

Cole plugging THE WWE APP will not age well when this match hits a Taker set at some point. Taker came in and ruled things - nearly hitting a double chokeslam before a Reigns spear saved them for a 2. Taker was so great here - showing great speed and even hitting a legdrop. Bryan got in, missed the flying headbutt AND THE SHIELD WON, technically beating the Undertaker in his first match on Raw in three years. Holy crap. The main event will be Foley and Ryback saying things...yeah this should've closed the show.

They showed the Rock's tweet about having his intestines shoved back into his stomach. Cena told Mick that NOT A SINGLE PERSON IN THE WWE UNIVERSE IS GOING TO QUESTION THE TOUGHNESS OF THE HARDCORE LEGEND, MICK FOLEY. What a bizarre statement. Crowd Fandangoed after Cena gave Foley a chair. YAY, FANDANGO! JBL wants to Fandango Summer Rae. Regal came out and got a huge crowd, then he danced a bit. They showed a Dollph tweet where he literally told the marks to stick it, brother! Loved the dipping spinning Flatliner, and Jericho dancing with Summer Rae after he attacked Fandango. Loved King calling Regal Steve, JBL saying it was WCW and Cole bringing up THE REAL MAN'S MAN!

Alberto Del Rio faces Swagger in a no DQ match on SD, so I guess Swagger wins that. Divas battle royal is up next. Digging Layla's union jack gear, not so much Tamina's giant arm bruise. AJ won after stuff and a TON of awkward commentary. Loved her playing dead and then winning at the end. Also showing her ass off nicely while leaving. Foley's coming out to say stuff. But first, WWE PROGRAMMING IS SOCIALLY ACTIVE! Mick came out with his chair and dressed shockingly nicely given his usual flannel. They showed some short clips of his speech and plugged his comedy shows. They're trying to get Ryback merch over, but it seems odd for his theme to still be chantable and for him to not change anything about his intro.

Foley admitting that he's broken down is quite sad. There's a way to get over "Ryback is more dangerous than anyone or anything Foley's faced" rather than saying it's only due to Foley being broken down. Foley said that he was champion through heart, while Ryback can be champ through force, and then Ryback told him to SHUT. UP. in the most stilted manner possible. Ryback then just spouted the script aimlessly for a while and refused to put any kind of a break between sentences, let alone words. Cena came out to save Foley, who as noted is old and too broken down to do anything, and exited through the second and bottom ropes. Shield came down and King took ages to realize that Cena leaving the ring was a sign of him returning the favor to Ryback, again showing a major face lowering himself to the level of the heel - like Sheamus with Henry. In a nice twist, Cena actually showed more character than Sheamus by HELPING HIS ENEMY with a chair and forcing the gang to leave. Cena then gave Ryback an AA out of nowhere...well they sure couldn't have made Ryback look much worse tonight.

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