Thursday, April 4, 2013

TNA Impact 4-4-13

The pre-show hype on Spike involves Brooke Hogan meeting up with Bully for the first time since Bully turned heel - her saying I HATE YOUUUUU is still funny. Show-opener focused on Bully and Brooke and the Sting-Hogan drama here in 2013, with a bit on AJ and the Aces saying "which way will he go". Well, I doubt it'll be both ways. They aired a lot of Anderson's FRICKIN promo from last week, I assume as a way to easily compile evidence to not re-sign him. Between the Sting and Hogan signs and D'LO BROWN being the first guy seen on-air, this show seems like a time warp. Anderson cut a promo. The dude is so just going through the motions. Devon has about nine layers on. D'Lo cut a promo saying that HE'S BEEN FIRED FROM HIS TNA OFFICE JOB. Finally. Guy's been revealed for weeks now - don't they own a fax machine? Angle thankfully ended this and cut a promo on him before double-legging him and then dudes ran out for the weekly giant brawl. Aces were sent packing, and Tenay got word instantly that there will be a ten man tag. This seems kinda rushed. Joey Ryan offered Brooke a favor and Brooke took everything he said as some kind of sexual deal, even though she didn't want to see his zebra print thong. Joey was amazing as a wacky babyface goofball here. Oh, and he'll be the KO ref later.

Taryn and Velvet are facing Tara and Gail...good God is this face team amazing to look at. Joey took advantage of his ref gig to feel the chicks up and slap Velvet's ass...shouldn't Brooke come out and fire him now given that she told him NO TOUCHING!? He gave Velvet a shoulder rub during a headlock. This rules. The chicks went for ass-exposing things and he wouldn't count. DIXIE CARTER IS ON TWITTER, AND BUY HER AUTOGRAPHED FIGURE NOW. Or just buy 80% off JJ guitars. Jesse got offended when Joey touched Tara. Joey missed counting Taryn's cover to apply baby oil and then Gail cheated to win and Joey fast-counted. This was a very amusing thing.

Aries and Roode came out to sign a contract for the tag title match next week. Aries called their team a team of two world champions, and Hernandez is the only guy in his gear - everyone else is in at least a sports coat. Chavo called Hernandez STRONGGGEERRR THANNN THE SONNN OF A GUNNNN. Since it's TNA, Aries demanded that STIPS be added to the tag title match. It'll be 2/3 falls and if the Mexicans don't win, they can't team up again. It seems too soon to do that stip for them, even though they've been a team for nearly ONE WHOLE YEAR, it also seems like a waste given that they aren't exactly the greatest team in the world to use that stip on.

Nice video for Adam Pearce, which showed some CWF Hollywood stuff, and his greying beard. Pearce came off so great here - and I loved them focusing on OPEN A CRACK for the graphic. They came back and did another vid, this time for Magno, who they got some stunning shots of with and without his mask, and a lot of his subtitles were covered up by Bellator graphics. Pearce's jacket/robe deal looks good, but his gear couldn't possibly be any higher. Fine match - Magno hit a really nice flying moonsault to the floor and messed up a rope-assisted moonsault, but Pearce won via rope holding. They showed Sting and Hogan's old man argument last week.

The Aces met with AJ and they aired a video for the Bully-Hogan saga before Hogan said he'd cut a promo next and get a lawyer to help - HE'S TIRED OF DEALING WITH POLITICS. And apparently bright lights since he's got shades on indoors. Joe Park met with Angle and said that Angle's gold medal win inspired him and HE'LL DO WHATEVER HE CAN TA HELP. I adore this character.

Hogan called out AJ, who brought the Aces vest with him. Hogan cut a stilted promo and acted shocked when AJ showed the vest even though he was just holding it. He begged for AJ's help while saying he's been stuck in TNA a long time and that the company's in bad shape right now. Hogan's amazing. Storm came out and cut another awesome promo showing why TNA is beyond stupid for not pushing him to the moon now or a year ago. Storm was incredible here and should win the TV TItle at Slammiversary to not only help reverse him never winning a big one, but give TNA momentum. During the break, Hogan cut a promo on AJ saying he has one week to make up his mind or he's why wouldn't AJ just join the Aces then? They showed some clips of the X division PPV airing tomorrow, and thankfully, all month long, although they picked a great night to put it on since it'll be a nothing SD show.

Dutt is facing Mason Andrews and Petey. Petey's got the Steiner tat tron, and they hyped him up by showing the Destroyer a bunch. They talked about why Petey left TNA - he lost a match with EY as Team Canada and had to leave, and now he's back four years later. Well, it's kind of odd to bring up BREAKING YOUR OWN STIP, they did at least say it was four years ago. This was far more polished than the usual X division match, largely due to Petey and Sonjay. Loved Petey's boot making a mark on the camera lens. Petey won the big one here with the Destroyer on Mason - great to see him back in the fold. Bully cut a promo with the Aces saying they'll get the job done tonight. LET'S TAKE THEIR SOULS! Well, that was wacky. Devon asked for a hot tag the next time Bully's with Brooke - tremendous line. Nice vid for Bully-Hardy next week. Next week's card was recapped, with Taryn-Gail happening.

Christy's announcement of ACES AND EIGHTS and just that made met hink they need a hometown. Either Aceland or Acelandia. Looks like Bully-Brooke's talking deal is the actual main event. Loved Taz taking Angle to task for bullying, then bringing up that he can say that with a straight face while being indoors at night, with shades on. Kinda weird to have two comedy acts in a major role for Team TNA, but it kinda works. Another great vid aired for the X division PPV. Joseph Park'd up and ran wind. Devon missed the headbutt and he re-Park'd up even after missing the splash, but got cradled and beat after a low blow. I loved Devon's little victory boogie. The Hogans met and she's going to have Ronnie from Atlas Security with her to protect her - Hulk rightfully demanded more than that. They re-recapped the Bully-Brooke drama to help kill time, and it is going to help since this deal will only get maybe 8 minutes due to Bellator. Loved Taz being pissed at a fan touching Bully. Bully called his match with Hardy the BIGGEST WORLD TITLE REMATCH IN HISTORY. least it makes some sense since it's his first defense and he's full of himself. Bully carried this marvelously. She was hoping he had divorce papers, but instead, he had A FRONT ROW TICKET TO HIS BEATING OF JEFF HARDY NEXT WEEK! Tremendous. He won't let her divorce him AND he's forcing her to watch her beat up dudes. What an epic peckerhead. And he's not only in her head - he's been in her since day one! Hardy and Bully brawled to end the show. Not the greatest show, but a fine one to build up next week's show and tomorrow's PPV - it did a better job of that than anything else, actually.

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