Monday, April 1, 2013

WWE Raw 4-2-13

Main Event's being taped before Raw, leading to news that Miz's match has gone from being THE MOST MUST-SEE MATCH IN THE HISTORY OF WRESTLEMANIA to at best, being the most-must see match in the history of Youtube pre-shows. Fine little recap of key events in the video package. I kinda wish I'd gone to the show live given the star power, but given how badly Raw drags on TV, it might be tough to sit through. Cena's out and gets tons and tons of boos. He somehow calls this a house divided. The arena is full of Cenacrats and Cena is saying a whole bunch of words and he's TIRED OF CHILDISH GAMES.

And then he made a dick joke. He then said that him beating Rock may seem impossible, but so did winning the Rumble and beating, since when were those things actually hyped as being impossible? HE WON THE RUMBLE IN 2008 and the Punk thing had a night of hype. Christ almighty he's just spouting words non-stop here. Now he's whining about Rock debuting a new title belt...which he did. THE MIGHTY ROCK WILL HAVE TO TALK TO THE MILLIONS and every time WWE is mentioned, he'll deal with the failure that his title is now defended by Cena...well, given that they've built this up as them not having any problem with each other now, so what? The crowd is BORING this nicely. THE CHAMP ISSSS HEEEYYYRREEEE. Good God this sucked. Oh goody, Tout hype! JBL saying that the last time King sent one, he had wires in him was funny. Team Random Babyfaces faces three dudes NEXT.

Three dudes=3MB. For some reason, they've still got Cole doing the whole CAN THEY GET ALONG bit even though they've gotten along for WEEKS. Random faces beat the jobbers. Nice live promo from the Shield in the crowd - aided by the fans going nuts for them. HBK is here probably talk about how amazing HHH is. Also, Swagger and Zeb were on the streets of DC cutting a promo - that should be fun.

WWE App hype...good lord. Zeb's apparently going to be in a match tonight against Alberto, which won't be a thing because there's no chance they're letting him work anything resembling a match. Not really sure why they needed to do that live - it didn't involve people on the street at all and they didn't even get glances on the street. It is DC though. Alberto didn't act like a star and mocked Zeb's weight and mustache. Bryan-Dolph is up next to hype the tag title match - should be quite good.

Dolph got no intro and they FINALLY hyped up Vince being on Twitter - he's got a big reveal for SD. They did their standard match, but with Bryan breaking out A TARANTULA! VINTAGE TAJIRI! They came back with the headlock spot from Dolph while everyone called AJ crazy. JBL once again called her the Kathy Bates of WWE...HER CHARACTER FROM MISERY HAD A NAME. AJ's ass looks adorable in her tight jeans, and it led to an attack from Big E on Kane and Dolph cheating to win with a cradle holding the tights. Fun finish. Big E countered the chokeslam by overpowering him and hitting the Big Ending. Heels held the belts up high, so it looks like the faces are retaining at the PPV. TAKER EVISCERATES PUNK ON LIVE TV. Seems kinda non-PG.

They recapped Brock demolishing HBK in August. HBK's out dressed like Zeb. HBKolter. They recapped the Brock-HHH feud after that, making the timeline all weird by covering August, then April, then August again. HBK cut a kind of blah promo about the WM card and HHH-Brock. HHH came out and hugged him - HBK's giant boots, hat, and wacky posing made him seem like an effeminate cowboy. HBK doubts HHH, and says that he's glad his career ended at the hands of Taker because at least they respected each other and that Brock doesn't respect HHH. HBK then talked up HHH as loving wrestling more than he ever did, which made me think there'd be a proposition forthcoming. Brock came out and good lord is HHH jacked. BROCK LESNAR HAS FORCED THE CEREBRAL ASSASSIN TO COMMIT PROFESSIONAL SUICIDE! Heyman rules.

They recapped Cena's awful promo about HIM DEFYING THE ODDS! Miz is out to talk about his match being bumped to the pre-show, which is now the second-most important match on the card according to him. Cole hyped up the pre-show now being on AOL and! I wonder if they'll send out a free AOL disc with a proof of purchase for the show. Miz rambled on about nine hundred topics over the course of a minute like a kid with ADHD. Miz hilariously mocked Barrett for just talking. Ryder got a shockingly high amount of offense here, including the Broski Boot. Barrett won with the elbow. Brickie is with Santino, who told them that Vince is here AND MAD! It was an April Fool's joke, and he said that someone shit themselves due to his humor...this naturally led to a hype graphic for Taker-Punk.

Diddy got hyped. Santino's out for his mystery match...AGAINST MARK. YES! Killing Italians - IT'S WHAT HE DO! Watch out, Mario! JBL didn't approve of Mark being unsportamanslike conduct! I love Santino going from a comedy punch to the gut into a low kick and Cro Cop high kick. This led to immediate death. THIS RULED! Then Ryback came out and Henry reminded him that they couldn't have contact, so Henry left, and Ryback used Santino as a prop to knock him out of hte ring and then chucked his body onto him. That was tremendous - way better than the SD angle. Cole called Henry THE WORLD'S STRONGEST, AND MOST DANGEROUS MAN. So much for Shamrock getting a deal.

Since they announced Vince was on Twitter, Vince has gotten 50,000 followers. Striker interviewed Punk, who cut the best promo yet about this, but still missing something and I could've done without the "his streak of waking up ended" line given that Reid died over the weekend. Zeb's out for his match...why is Zeb in a match? This character's background isn't as a wrestler, although they've had Booker, JBL, and King say they know yeah. Should be a fine little way to build up the WHC match though. I love the timing of the DID YOU KNOW WM is in a bunch of languages graphic while Zeb's in the ring.

Alberto's new shirt has the American and Mexican flags on them - with the American flag being first. This led to Swagger going after Ricardo, Zeb getting a crutch and bonking Alberto with it. Cole was offended that Zeb, a senior citizen with no wrestling background, had no intention of wrestling THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! Loved Zeb and Swagger beating the shit out of him with a crutch. Would it be wrong to say they beat him like a pinata? Alberto's arms are covered in welts. Goddammit, another recap of the Cena promo.

Rock's out to respond to it. He cut a tremendous promo thanking "the People" and said that if he lived in DC, it'd have to be President. Then he cut a promo on Cena being a cocky asshole and said that all it'd do is lead to him losing again this year. Good God this promo ruled. Oh, and they mentioned that Rock's movie is #1, so yeah, Mania's gonna do batshit crazy numbers. The show could've ended just fine there, but nope, we've got another hour and FANDANGO's match with Jericho's being hyped with a Jericho match.

Recap of last week's Fandango-Jericho build, that was basically identical to the week before's. Cole called Jericho the electric horseman for some reason. Cesaro got no intro here, but at least the match should be good. Crowd isn't reacting to anything here outside of chops. They finally brought up Jericho being on Dancing With the Stars. I thought Cesaro slipped on the ropes, but they just missed Jericho moving them and causing him to nearly crotch himself. Nice top rope rana from Jericho led to FANDANGO coming out. This led to an ad break instead of a finish since they've got a ton of time to kill. During the break, Fandango rated Jericho's moves. So now he's a diamond doll. Loved Cesaro chucking Jericho into the barricade with the greatest of ease! Michinoku driver got 2. Goddammit, HE YODELED! He hadn't done it to this point and I hoped they'd dropped that. Cesaro turned the Walls into a Karelin lift after a smooth transition. Holy crap. he might not be getting on the WM card, but he's going to make it very clear that he deserves it. Liontamer won for Jericho. Fandango laid him out with TWO flying legdrops. That ruled. They hyped up Rock's app.

They came back with BREAKING NEWS FROM TWITTER - Steph will induct Trish. None of the Touts were notable except for a cute chick with the nickname CelticViper and some wacky frat boys. King hyped up THE TOUT! Bootydactyls are out for a match. Instead of Tons of Funk, they should be Tons of Filler. They're going to face the Bellas here. Team Rhodes Scholars are out there, and Brodus is now using the pom is that a bizarre visual. TRS are wearing one another's shirts. Nice touch since they're best friends. JBL called Tons of Funk the Large Rhythmic Tomatoes. It's 10:45 somehow. They've really stretched the last couple of things out a lot. JBL ranted about the use of pronouns and Cameron actually got the crowd hyped into things again.  Crossbody got reversed and gave the Bellas the win. Cole called this a stolen win despite zero cheating being done. Taker's promo is up next.

Taker came out and they recapped Taker kicking Punk's ass last week. JBL put Taker over huge saying he's faced him and never seen him this angry. Punk may end the streak, but he won't be able to talk about it due to the ass kicking he'll give him. YAY, THE DRUIDS AND CHANTING RETURNED! They got some gorgeous shots of the fire in front of the WM sign. This ruled...then they did a Paul Bearer impersonation. Ugh. Punk started whooping druids' asses, but Punk revealed himself and bonked him with the urn. The Punk stuff ruled, as did the Taker stuff, but the Bearer impersonation was a bit much. Then he poured...sand from the urn onto Taker. Well, at least it wasn't ashes. This was still really uncomfortable to watch.

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