Monday, April 29, 2013

Raw 4-29-13

Raw, yes, RAW is opening with a Ricardo Rodriguez vs. Big E vs. Zeb match. Ricardo's dressed in Rico's gear. Winner's guy gets to pick the sticks for the title match at ER. Zeb's clapping and looks of glee as Big E mangles Ricardo are amazing. Could do without Cole burying Zeb for wearing a fishing vest. YAY, ZEB GOT IN SOME SHOTS. Looked good too. And then things got wacky with Zeb feigning an injury to prevent being murdered by Big E before Ricardo used the bucket on him. And then everyone ran in because triple threats are always no DQ when they need to do wacky bullshit. AJ in a hot black and pink outfit came in to prevent Zeb from winning, and Ricardo won with a schoolboy. This reminded me of Lil Boogey vs. Hornswoggle, minus JBL being super-hilarious on commentary here. Cena and Ryback are being FORCED to team tonight against the Shield and his injury was BIG-TIME NEWS ON WWE.COM, so in other words, it wasn't a bit deal anywhere, and Cena's going to celebrate world wish day, because WWE LOVES MAKE A WISH!

John Cena's WORLD WISH DAY, which sounds like either the made-up Love Day from the Simpsons, or that thing from the Star Wars Holiday Special. Also, WWE HAD 1.5 BILLION VIEWS ON YOUTUBE! They showed heart-wrenching footage of a kid born with half a heart, who WWE is devoting global time to so they can exploit. They showed Cena being nice - that's great, then showed a bunch of shots of the NEW WWE TITLE, AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE NOW ON WWE.COM. Also, John Cena has granted more wishes than anyone else. Wonderful thing for the kids, but it comes off as a bit sickening because how overboard they're going it. The kids get to be honorary WWE superstars, so I guess they get to play Wii all night. This feels like filler, and it's only 8:20. Then they made sure to talk about ALL OF THE GREAT THINGS WWE does. Lordy.

Orton's facing Cody. Good lord that was once a big deal. MORE WORLD WISH DAY stuff. WWE loves Make a Wish. WWE is privileged to be part of World Wish Day. Cody got a jobber intro. They did some moves. More moves. The crowd chanted for an RKO, so he did a dropkick. Loved JBL referencing the Garvin stomp by name. Then JBL talked about Dusty in polka dots and Cole said he was handcuffed by Saphire. HIS CAREER, he made sure to note. HOT DAMN - SOMETHING EXCITING - Disaster kick on the apron. JBL comparing Cody now to Orton as a rookie is hilarious. JBL had several orgasms over a superplex from Orton. This got great with an RKO Fever sign, the RKO being gone for, and Cody countering it into his finish. AMAZING spot there. Tremendous finish with an RKO off the Disaster kick. Striker asked Orton if he's haunted by what happened at WM. Please punt this man. And Orton's NEVER FELT MORE EXTREME, which means he RKOs Cody again. Nikki reminded Brie of their reality show on E...wouldn't she know it's on E and what it's called? One of them, or maybe both, are facing some form of Funkadactyl next.

It's Brie, the one without tats, facing someone. Nikki's tat is showing. They re-aired last week's promo on the show. YAY, Naomi's in the match! The Funkadactyls do the splits now to show off their asses. Twin Magic won, and Naomi didn't bother objecting. Instead, Cameron did, and Naomi got the win. Then they had a fight, according to Cole. The term fight being used here is an insult to pillow fights. YAY, Shield promo next about Taker's beating. They came out and had a great take no shit look on their faces. Someone wearing a BWO shirt in 2013. They fucked up a slideshow by not showing the Rock. It did lead to  a great recap of the Taker-Ambrose match's post-match beating. 3MB is out. I guess they didn't get their hand-written apology. It seems so wrong for The Shield to be involved with a geek squad, even if it's to kill them. Tag champs stopped the beating on 3MB...and then kicked their asses. Weird to see Bryan in NO gear and doing the YES bit. Ryback looked at Cena's taped up foot, which Cena noted was just hurt, not injured. And he's better on one foot than Ryback is on two. Why Ryback didn't do SOMETHING here, I have no idea.

Now they're shilling Domino's - in 20-30 minutes, the heart attack victim gets pizza delivered. BOY, I BET IT TAKES LESS TIME. Dolph is out for an unannounced champ vs. champ match. They showed Kofi winning to remind everyone that he's a champ. According to JBL, Kofi just became a dad - good for him. Cesaro faces Kofi to get his rematch, and ensure it'll be good, and watched by no one. They replayed a super-stiff kick from Kofi. They talked about AJ possibly being the divas title. Another guy would buy a Norelco razor and go fuck himself. I loved JBL being amazed that Cole was checking tweets instead of using the WWE APP. They talked about the triple threat earlier being an example of how risky the match is for Dolph...THAT COMEDY BULLSHIT WAS SERIOUSLY SUPPOSED TO BUILD A WORLD TITLE MATCH?! The damned Twitter crawl blocked AJ's ass. Kofi hit his kick and would've won if it wasn't for AJ putting his foot on the ropes. He then dove on Dolph and Big E, who tried to revive him. Finish got fucked up a bit, as Kofi missed a splash, but he dove too far out for the "Dolph rolled out of the way" story to be told properly. Big Ending to Kofi sets up Big E-Kofi for the title, and AJ being divas champ then was set up nicely too. Dolph used Henry's THAT'S WHAT WE DO bit. Oh, and Alberto might pick his match stip.

WWE HAS MORE FACEBOOK FANS THAN EVERY MLB AND NBA PLAYER! They did a wacky skit with AJ, Kaitlyn, and Nattie. Cody, or perhaps A MYSTERY MAN, gave her a gold-studded hat. Brock killing 3MB was shown, as was the HHH-Heyman deal. Ryback met with Brickie, who wanted to change the main event to a 6-man tag. He turned it down because Ryback rules. Raw has made Cole hungry, and the fans got the pizza. So Domino's will take forever to get your pizza to you, and may deliver it to the wrong people. Ryder's out to face Swagger, and remind people of Zeb's loss. LOLed at JBL calling Ryder a Belieber. Swagger killed Ryder, but not before JBL called him the seven figure Broski. Unless that refers to his bank account, it's a pretty stupid nickname. Tremendous spinning headscissors into the powerbomb, leading to the Patriot lock. Zeb has more of a tan than Swagger. Love him cheap-shotting Ryder afterwards. GO ZEB! Henry's walking backstage with a rope. Maybe he wants a match with Sheamus in a PRIDE rules match.

They showed an awkward shot of Striker for eons, oh, and Ryback left. Henry got cheered, and told the fans he didn't need their approval. Also, he's going to face two people in a tug of war - one being Tensai. JBL used this to talk about having a bullrope match with his pal, Eddie Guerrero. Henry won - I wonder how many points he got in the Team Challenge Series for this. Brodus is his next foe. Henry won, and Cole made sure to note PROPER TUG OF WAR RULES. If someone's arm goes below the knee, it's a DQ. I'm astonished that they didn't have a DQ just to fuck with things a bit. Sheamus came out, and after HENRY BEAT TWO MEN, he wanted to face him. Between this wacky shit reminding me of the TCS and JBL referencing Battle of the Network Stars, this felt like an ESPN Classic homage. Oh, and Sheamus won by letting go and kicking Henry. Brave babyface. IT'S WORLD WISH DAY, EVERYONE. Brickie and the tag champs had a wacky meeting. Kane wants revenge for Taker's beating. Vickie gave Brad a secret whisper. Yay, wacky intrigue!

Rock's tweet from last week was shown, and they hyped up Pain and Gain. Very un-PG film. Cena met with Brad and called him Braden Walker. That was amusing. Cena, SUPERCENA in fact, will be teaming with the tag champs tonight. Ricardo's out and they're showing Cesaro, #1 contender to the US Title, in the background as a jobber here against Alberto. Kinda surprised they haven't put Alberto's new logo on his gear instead of the falcon. Cesaro YODELED on the app, and now wears a beret and shades. Oh lordy. Cole is reading Webster's description of yodeling. The commentary tonight has been something. Alberto's ass was exposed during an armbar takedown. A BACKBREAKER ON THE RING APRON was a fucking app spot. He also yodeled on it during the break. Loved Cesaro's close-up left and right mounted punches. Then he did the same thing with standing Euro uppercuts.

By making the yodeling deal off-air, they've helped him seem like a bigger deal tonight. Sick snap German suplex with a bridge from Alberto. Big OLE OLE OLE chant. Loved the dive into the uppercut spot, and them bringing back Cesaro being super-disciplined. Kneeling superkick of megadeath hit perfectly for 2. Armbar was countered into a cradle, then back into the armbar for the win. Really awesome match, and much fresher than the other two good matches on the show. After talking about Alberto winning in ladder matches, Alberto made his triple threat match one. 6-Man tag is official.

Khali and Fandango are out for a dance-off. Summer Rae's back and a guy in a Harley shirt is Fandangoing. Khali was asked questions and answered them in Khalese. Then he danced and JBL plugged DDP Yoga. Summer Rae was named officially, and showed off her ass nicely. Fandango hit the Russian legsweep and legdrop combo. Shield's beating was shown from SD, and the face team came out. Kane faces Ambrose on SD, so I guess Ambrose gets a make-up win.

Ambrose's selling of a suplex was incredible - moreso since it led to an uppercut/slap combo. I loved Rollins running wild with gut shots in the corner ala Brock. Bryan did the best-looking surfboard in ages, leading to some VINTAGE KAIENTAI with a basement dropkick from Kane. I love everything involving Ambrose and Bryan in the match together, and also that Bryan is fairly seamlessly back in a main event role. LOLed at Cena's C'MON DANIEL BRYAN! Tremendous effortless Samoan drop to Bryan from Reigns. Cena keeps saying C'MON DANIEL BRYAN, and it gets better every time. Snap DDT ala Tiger Mask from Ambrose on the floor to Kane. In an odd move, neither Reigns or Rollins, who were right near him, tried to stop him. Reigns beat Cena after his ankle, or achilles, or whatever it is for that minute, went out on him. Having Ryback wear a wacky big leather jacket ala Goldberg in WWE doesn't do him many favors for that comparison, but is a cool look. Good match and a fine show if you skip all the filler. Except Khali/Fandango - that was at least amusing filler.

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