Kalisto vs. Ryback opens the show up after about 50 minutes of the pre-show. The crowd begins to file in. Ryback has new gear - with a grey base for the trunks and red and smoke all over. Ryback bullies him, but eats some quick offense like a baseball slide and a shotgun knee off the apron. Ryback tosses him high for an ad break and he lands a kneedrop. RUNNING TILT A WHIRL MICHINOKU DRIVER BY RYBACK. Delayed vertical superplex is turned into a crossbody for 2. Jackhammer turned into a DDT and then the snap rana gets 2. Corkscrew shoulderblock gets 2. Kalisto is wearing purple and gold - an homage to Hayabusa apparently. Spinebuster by Ryback. Misdirection leads to Ryback hitting the buckle and a sliced bread-style SDS wins!
Total Divas vs. BAD and Blonde is up. Total Divas are out first, followed by the blondes to Naomi's theme. Lana has a giant cape and a slick purple swimsuit as gear. Summer also has a much smaller cape, while Emma has POWER SHOULDERPADS! Amusing gear.
Fox kicks away at Summer Rae, awful DDT into a...mount? by Summer. Everyone just comes in and...that's an ad break. Eva lands a nice flying headscissors, and then a much worse knee to the gut of Emma. Snap suplex city by Eva leads to her not wanting to tag anyone, and slap-tagging Nattie on the shoulder. Naomi comes in and hits that wacky kick combo and a dropkick. Nattie recovers and gets 2 off a basement dropkick. Hart Attack by Nattie and Paige. Naomi gets a codebreaker for nothing. Wheelbarrow suplex by Emma gets 2. Lana comes in and hits a big hand-holding kick followed by her high kick. Lana tells Brie to kiss her ass and then does the Yes bit. Her accent is gone here.
She tags in Tamina to bring things down. Summer hops around on the apron in booty shorts - a fine move. Tower of Doom is teased, but avoided. Paige dives onto a pile on the floor. Enna stomps away at Paige in the corner. Paige tags in Brie, who does the Yes kicks to Naomi. Samoan drop by Tamina. Sliced Red by Eva. Fallaway slam by Paige to Emma. Rear View to Paige. Brie Mode knee avoided, and Naomi dropkicks and tells her to FEEL MY GLOW! Split legged moonsault is avoided via knees. In an amusing bit, Brie climbs up top ON THE COMPLETE OPPOSITE SIDE OF NAOMI, and gets her neck snapped by Lana. Rollthrough into a perfect Yes Lock for the win.
Shane vs. Taker seems to be about an entitled rich boy fighting an icon over who has the greater legacy based on the video package. Lita is unveiling the new women's title here. "It's the women's revolution!" This literally makes the company seem like it's in 1955. Renee buries the divas title six feet under!
Dudleys vs. Usos is up with some crazy-good shots of the crowd. Bubba is being a colossal asshole to an Uso here - insulting him and his daddy - so great. A superkick party wins out of nowhere...okay then. Usos splash Devon through the table. Fifth Harmony sang "America the Beautiful" and concluded with "AMERRICCCAAAA". Thanks. A HISTORY OF WRESTLEMANIA VIDEO PACKAGE WITHOUT HULK HOGAN. Yeah, he ain't coming back soon. It's fairly epic though and made the current roster seem like stars.
Dolph comes out, so the ladder match starts us off. Miz has a new, bright gold and silver vest thingy. Stardust has added polka dots, to look even more ridiculous...and pay homage to his dad. Sin Cara came out in an all-white getup because he wants to reach for the heavens. YES! Steen-ish red and white gear! Huge pop for Sami and Owens starting things off with a Frye-Takayama exchange. Miz climbs a ladder held by Ryder and someone else...and that doesn't go well for him. Big flip dive from Sami followed by the torpedo DDT! Sin Cara dives onto the pile on the floor.
Stardust brings out a black and polka dotted ladder, which then gets used against him via the Finale. FROG SPLASH FROM OWENS ONTO THE LADDER. Jesus! Flying ELBROW drop off the ladder! That looked great! Dolph gets pulled off the ladder into a pop-up powerbomb, but Owens eats a Crossrhodes. Sin Cara kicks Cody, who gently falls into a ladder. Owens pushes him off and he splashes through Cody on the ladder. Frye-Takayama exchange on the ladder with Sami and Owens! HALF AND HALF SUPLEX ON THE LADDER! Sami climbs up and gets an OLE chant, but Miz takes him off the ladder. He takes too long up top and ZACK SHOVES HIM OFF TO WIN IT! They could reignite him if they want to. Good for Zack - it's a few years past the peak of this for sure, but still a great moment.
AJ vs. Jericho is up. AJ's new gear is...not too amazing. Match isn't anything special to start either. Basic stuff done reasonably well. Walls is on, but AJ gets out. Hits the moonsault DDT imperfectly. Super gordbuster from AJ! AJ gets to the ropes in another Walls and locks on a calf crusher. Jericho elbows his head and gets a cradle from it for 2 - well that was good. Forearm misses, but the codebreaker doesn't - but only gets 2. Jericho goes for a Clash, but it's countered into a wheelbarrow facebuster for 2. CLASH HITS FOR 2.5! Slow forearm exchange Springboard 450 gets a 2.5. Jesus. Phenomenal forearm into the codebreaker for the win! The second half was pretty good, but the first was really sloppy. Ryder cuts an awesome promo about taking a pic at WM X with Razor's title, and now, he can have Razor take a photo with his title.
New Day comes out of a GIANT BOOTY-OS box and in super saiyan uniforms. Rusev in trunks, but with the giant waistband really slims him out. Either that, or he's lost 20 pounds in two weeks. After several minutes of boring actions, a bullhammer and Brogue win. AN UNADVERTISED HBK MATCH!? MICK!? Mick can barely move his right leg, but damn is this great! Mick's running wild with shots in the corner! Mick is actually doing stuff! Mandible claw to Sheamus! Superkick to Alberto! Rusev flip sells a stunner! HBK twerked and Steve danced just to stun Woods. This was goofy, but fun. HBK really should come back for a match with AJ next year.
We get an epic video package for Brock that makes this almost almost seem biblical...and then we get the usual wacky rock music montage. Quick shoulder charges lead to 2 Germans. Dean cuts his back up with a kendo stick for a bit. 6 GERMANS and Brock snaps the sticks. NINE GERMANS. He went after Brock's biggest weakness of the last 12 months - his balls. Dean goes for the chainsaw, but Brock hits an overhead belly to belly to prevent that. Dean uses a fire extinguisher and then a chair to the back to setup New Jack's finisher getting 2. F5 INTO THE DIRTY DEEDS FOR 2.5! Dean gets the barb wire bat, but Brock Germans him onto the chairs. F5 onto the chairs wins it. This was basically a worse version of Cesaro vs. Ambrose on SD a couple of years ago - but fun.
We get a filmed commercial with Ryder, Dolph, Flair, and Charlotte for Snickers. HOF recap focuses on the Freebirds. Nothing much to the HOF folks coming out. Pretty cool to see Sting come out in front of 100,000 people. "Divas Revolution" video. Demi Lovato is the OFFICIAL musical representation of female empowerment! Becky Lynch should be in Mega Man 11 as Gear Woman. LIVE PERFORMANCE AND SNOOP FOR SASHA! SNOOP RAPS FOR HER! GIVE HER THE WIN NOW! Sasha is wearing gear inspired by Eddie Guerrero's No Way Out 2004 gear. Charlotte is wearing a robe using parts of Ric's WM 24 match robe. They found some ways to really make this feel big despite it feeling like nothing going into it - kudos!
Getting tons of pixellation and that weird fast-forwarding video, but the commentary remains in real-time deal. Lots of cradles. Sasha gets a 2 off a frog splash to Charlotte during the figure 4! Sasha goes for a suicide dive on Charlotte, but she's too far away - so she turns it into a flip dive quickly. Becky takes down Ric with a dive! Charlotte with a moonsault to the floor AND SHE LANDED ON HER FEET. RIP her knees in 10 years. Great sequence where Becky gets the armbar, then Sasha backstaps and crossfaces her before Charlotte gets the figure 8! Everyone's on their knees chopping each other. Super "Bexploder" by Becky, but Sasha gets the bank statement - but Ric grabs the leg and Charlotte wins. Charlotte gets her new belt and cries. I'm sure Ric is too. ARENA FIREWORKS begin as "a new era begins in WWE". The women are now not "divas", but they're "superstars" - so much like how changing one word didn't help the "extremists", it won't help this much either in theory.
Shane-O-Vince video. Jericho says it's a Game of Thrones-like scenario. Shane's kids all dress up like him and dance like him. Kids don't look too bad dancing all goofy. GODDAMN is Taker's entrance amazing! Taker goes for a big haymaker, but misses - so Shane gets some quick jabs to the gut. They fight to the floor and Taker gets the apron legdrop - and falls onto the floor. Last Ride gets 2.
Shane gets a triangle! "So then Shane locked Taker in a triangle submission and Taker almost submitted..." Taker escapes and chokeslams him on the steps for 2! Taker goes for a flying elbow and misses. A fan yells "get up and fuck him up!" at someone. Taker gets tricked into following Shane and eats a DDT on the steps for 2. They fight kneeling and Taker gets Hell's Gate! A SHARPSHOOTER BY SHANE. How is this a babyface move!? Tons of buffering. Situp spot. Taker is in the corner for Coast to Coast and Shane...kinda hits the can. Shane gets some bolt cutters to do...something. Taker charges into him and they knock the panel into the German announcers. Taker slowly beats the hell out of him around ringside with things. Taker goes for a tombstone on a large box, but Shane gets a sleeper. Taker escapes by throwing both himself and Shane through a table. Tooolbox off the head of Taker, with a big red sharpie falling out of it. Taker is knocked onto the announce table and Shane climbs to the top of the cell. Shane DIVES OFF THE CELL and thank God misses.
Cole ruined this with an awful "for the love of Mankind" call. Shane wants more and Taker carries him in to die. Taker gestures for more. Shane does as well, but Taker knows it's over. He slaps his face and Tombstones it to end it. Well, at least the right man won the match where there was no 100% perfect winner due to...their own shitty booking. THE AUTHORITY WINS...in the angle they really weren't a part of anyway, and actually wasn't referenced at all in the pre-match video package.
Then after Shane gets carted out, it's time to go to the KICKOFF PANEL AND THE PARTY AREA! Baron Corbin is in the battle royal. Mark Henry gets an intro in Texas. DDP!? It's astonishing how WWE books DDP better in retirement than they did when he was actually in a possibly money-drawing angle as an active wrestler. SHAQ!? Shaq vs. Show. Also, Tatanka is there. Tatanka looks equally as roid bellied now as he did a decade ago - during his last nostalgia run. That was actually pretty fun stuff. Shaq and Show chokeslam Kane and Fandango dances and gets tossed out. Sandow went from almost winning last year to just getting chucked out. So they square off, and then all the goofs just eliminate them. After all this, Cole notices Tatanka. Cutter to an Ascension goon, and he's eliminated. Gut eliminates DDP. Baron wins by eliminating Kane - so I guess he's heading to the main roster. Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders cheered to "Thunderstruck" before THE ROCK CAME OUT. And he's got a ROCKZOOKA! They set up ROCK text, and we still get stagehands. ROCK HAS A FLAMETHROWER! "So then the Rock came out with a flamethrower...and Roman still couldn't get heat." Rock says a whole bunch of words. Very few of them make sense, and they announce 101,763 fans. Wyatts come out and Rock says some words.
Rock insults the family, and says that Bray is a revolutionary. He's got it all. The charisma. The tats. But he does nothing with it. Rock says it's time for a match and he just...has all his gear on. This is even more ridiculous than the announcers having all their gear for a Rumble. THIS IS THE ROCK WRESTLING IN A MATCH UNADVERTISED AT WRESTLEMANIA. Rock Bottom to Rowan wins in 6 seconds to SET A WRESTLEMANIA RECORD! They surround Rock and Cena comes out. Cena is a bad friend waiting until he shows off his rally towel to save his...friend? Enemy? Rowan eats moves. TORNADO PUNCH FROM ROCK as an homage to Kerry, like he said on Twitter.
Roman talks about being a good man who wants to help people and puts his whole heart into things. What a fucking pussy! Wacky masturbatory video for HHH with weird-looking freaks leads to STEPHANIE IN A HOT OUTFIT with a wacky voice changer. Steph doing her Rita Repulsa voice is something else. HHH comes out with weird freaks holding WWE Titles. NEW ERA FOR ROMAN - he now has gold stripes on his gear. I hear they make his heat go away faster. Roman puts his fist down and pyro just explodes. Cole says that Roman lives by a new mantra - "I can, I did, I will again" SURE ROLLS OFF THE FUCKING TONGUE.
Roman's gear with wacky stripes all over it looks ridiculous. HHH outsmarts Roman to cheers and we get a ROMAN SUCKS chant. If they want to, they could easily turn Roman into a Foley-esque heel ala '98 - it's very justifiable for his character to be pissed, and it might get some good mic work out of him. Drive by gets 2. Spinebuster gets a big pop. And a 2. HHH defies father time with a flying knee to a draped Roman for 2, and more cheers. Spear through the barricade to boos. Arm is attacked and HHH counters the Superman punch with a Fujiwara armbar. Modified Rings of Saturn! HHH locks on an ungodly bad armbar. Steph comes in to cut the balls off the ref, but eats a spear - and we get a brief ass shot. Another one when she hands him the hammer - which will apparently be a DQ in this no DQ match.
Reigns ducks a hammer shot and spear him to win. Wow was this flat. "The Roman Empire has begun" and it's fucking doomed. So doomed. More doomed than Ron Simmons and Butch Reed. Actually, Simmons as WCW Champion and Roman are kind of similar - they each have someone years past their booking primes without a real clue as to how to get them over, and no real strong opponents either.
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