Thursday, May 2, 2013

TNA Impact Wrestling 5-2-13

Pre-show vid during the credits highlights Sting...REMOVING BULLY'S HAT WITH HIS BAT. Oh my. Of course, the Aces killing all of the faces was the first thing seen in the show-opener vid. CAN STING AND HOGAN TAKE OUT THE ACES AND EIGHTS!? Holy hell, the company's either being run by bikers for two guys with a combined ages of about 115. Great - Hogan's starting the show too! HULK HOGAN, THE IMMORTAL ONE, WAS SO BRAVE, AND STOOD HIS GROUND WITH BULLY RAY. Does Hogan have dentures? Because his teeth are super-white. Hogan saying OKAY, YOU ALL LIKE THE DRAMA to the fans was deconstructing things a bit too much. Sting and Hogan are only about five years apart in age, but Sting looks at least 20 years younger. Hogan's neck in particular, looks really old. Eyes too. Hogan apologizing to Sting feels a bit rushed, as does Sting shaking his hand already. Sting is super-forgiving, again. Sting wants to take out the Aces of course he gets a tag match made for next week. Morgan came out to suggest that he face Bully at the PPV. Please, Hulk - do not pick this man. Hogan saying that he wouldn't hand a shot to either Morgan or Sting, but he would make a top contender's match between the two of them. Way to make the world title scene seem fresh, and just what has Morgan done to even be in the discussion?

I liked the new Sabin vid, but having him essentially bury the X Title by saying he isn't "just" going to get that BEFORE PUTTING HIM IN AN X DIVISION MATCH was stupid. I've also got to question the wisdom of coming back when doctors told him to retire just to work TNA for relative peanuts. It's less of a risk for him than say Sorrenson, but still doesn't seem too wise. ShopTNA now has KO playing cards. Well, might as well merchandise the chicks in some way. Angle's ranting about the Aces, and looks a lot younger without the beard. Ion came out, then Dutt got a jobber intro while he still walked out. A really fat woman in a peach shirt and a guy looking a bit like Matt Groening were happy to see him back. Sabin's got a giant brace on his left knee. SUICIDE will return in the next X division qualifier. Ion, instead of being happy with a shitty backslide, went for a shitty backslide>leg-using cradle on both guys. Well that sure made no sense on a practical level. Them using the ref cam DURING COUNTS is the most annoying thing to try and watch. I liked the DVD onto Dutt onto the gut of Ion. Modified Cradle Shock won for Sabin. Okay match. Sabin gets a title shot next time. Jesse and Robbie are back to being wacky friends, with Jesse now being a delusional movie star, and he wants Joey Ryan to join their clown show. That could be quite fun. Sad to see the end of Jesse/Tara though.

Bully cut a promo, but was pissed by them talking and Devon using his phone. Bully wants Angle taken out. Wes looks hilarious with a beard. D'Lo Brown, D'LO BROWN - a man whose peak was in '98, IS GOING TO TAKE ANGLE OUT. Jesus lord. He's swearing his colors on it, so I guess he's out of the club when he loses. Wacky comedy midcarders came out for a handicap match against Rob Terry. Well, it seems a tad soon to do this, but could be fun. Apparently, Terry's beaten all of these guys - thus the match against them. That makes sense. A video package recapping the matches would've been a nice reminder too. FOLLOW DIXIE CARTER ON TWITTER AND FACEBOOK TO GET BIG NEWS ALL THE TIME! I'm amazed they haven't created a 1-900 line to hear Dixie's wisdom whenever you want. Nice double back suplex from Terry onto Jesse and Robbie. Beef Bomb/Freakbuster wins. Robbie scooting away on his ass was quite funny.

Aries and Roode are walking backstage, and coming to the ring. Roode looks like a mid-carder in a T-shirt and jeans. They'll face Bad Influence next week to get a title shot. Loved Kaz explaining Daniels' jokes. All the talk of Bad Influence Lite amused me with Chavo and Hernandez, bland LAX amalgamation #393939 came out and Chavo was tired of their blah, blah, blah! My God is he ever annoying when speaking. I like the idea of Storm being a guest ref for the tag match - although I'd prefer him being TV champ to get him in the mix with the most important program in the company. So we got to hear Chavo speak but not James Storm. BOO! Sting and Kurt talked in the workout room in secret.

 Tara and Gail had a wacky argument over Taryn, while they each kind of annoyed each other, but didn't show it much except for Tara. Tara looked a bit old here, but I dug this, and loved her JAN JAN JAN bitching. Sabin did a little interview and also looked way older with their lighting for the film-style stuff. Tenay talked about Angle-D'Lo's history - including Kurt unmasking D'Lo, which I'd forgotten. Their match is the hour 1 main event. The crowd is going batshit for Kurt - which is amazing because it makes a D'Lo match in 2013 seem like a big deal. Also, it's now an I Quit match out of nowhere because why not. They showed the TNA announce table, which you never really see now, and it's basically just WWE's, but with brown and black trim. The ref was distracting here by throwing the mic in front of guys whenever there's a moment's chance to do so. Taz said D'Lo's on auto-pilot as if it was a good thing. D'Lo did the cross armbar, but it was turned into a very slow-mo ankle lock. D'Lo seems to be moving around great for everything except for the mat - it's taking him a long time to move around for moves. Taz hilarious said that D'Lo's in the best shape of his life while 99% of his body is covered up. Triple German spot became four, then five, then six when he wouldn't quit. Ankle lock was escaped from and D'Lo hit a nice Samoan drop. Ref hilariously asked D'Lo if he'd quit AFTER DOING A MOVE TO KURT! Scissored ankle led to both a tap and him crying that he quit. Well, that was pretty damn good - fine way to cap off D'Lo's in-ring career on a national stage. Christy asked Kurt if this felt good - well no shit. Angle wanted AJ out.

It's a shame they didn't remix AJ's theme with Darth Vader's for this heel-ish act. Angle's hometown is now an entire part of PA, rather than just Pittsburgh. Wacky, but it's getting a huge reaction. AJ has a week to give him an answer as to WHAT SIDE HE'S ON.Taz saying Angle's waving the Sting flag during this angle was amusing. Recap of Hogan's promo earlier. Morgan yelled a bunch about not getting his shot...after THIRTEEN YEARS OF NOT GETTING HIS SHOT. I liked them showing Taryn's win over Gail - made wins and losses seem important. According to Christy, Gail must be multiple people with her "their partner" intro. Yet another win was shown, over Tara. Taz saying Taryn had a horseshoe up her ass was amusing. Loved Taryn running wild against both chicks, to the point where Mickie stopped coming in to help her. They hyped buying Mickie's album on ShopTNA, then Taz talked about Mickie getting kicked in the yambag, but maybe having a cup. Loved Tenay being amazed that Taz did prepwork at all after he said he did most of his on the KO site. Taryn won with a fairly hot cradle on Tara, but got hit with Eat Defeat afterwards. LOVED the return of the ringpost figure four from Gail - definitely unexpected. Would've made more sense to make that move part of the Velvet storyline though.

They recapped Brown-Angle, and Bully was pissed - everyone turned on D'Lo here. Team 3D and Anderson will be in next week's 6-Man tag. Morgan-Sting is up. Morgan coming out in small, bright gold trunks, complete with the wacky gold and purple robe was like a homoerotic version of Oz. They started with a tieup, leading to an early chokeslam from Morgan. Todd compared Morgan to Jason Voorhies or Michael Myers with his plodding pace. How dare he imply they're underachievers. Apron legdrop ala Taker worked once, but not twice. Tenay saying that Sting is a 15-time world champ was astonishing to me. I wonder if they're counting the WWA title win in that. Morgan's double elbows in the corner just get dumber and dumber - he's got each at such a distance that he can't really hit a guy with any of them flush. Sting kicked out of the Carbon Footprint, which is a cooler name than Brogue Kick, although I don't recall Sheamus ever falling on his ass doing the move. Sting did a really loose-looking Scorpion deathlock that looked terrible for about nine hours. Instead of moving directly to his left, Morgan decided to crawl to the ramp-side ropes halfway across the ring. Sting sat down on the Scorpion after he barely touched the ropes. Then he just sat on his ass and kind of held his legs together. They did a pass out finish here - ala Austin, right down to the camera angle, but minus any of the drama or a character that fans were clamoring for. Aces came out after this and stared him down. This was not bad, but not really good either. It should work out fine in the longer-term though since they're at least doing something that could be compelling for Morgan.

Screens -
TNA World Title contender -



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