Raw 9-30-13

Punk came out and they started out with Cole shilling Komen and how they're going to raise awareness about breast cancer. Who on Earth isn't aware of it? Punk/Ryback from last week was recapped with some video freezing. Punk came out and talked about how unpredictable he is and how things being predictable can be good - when he gets his hand on Axel and Ryback. The story ends when he gets his hands on Heyman. Punk said the story could end at the PPV, next week on Raw, or even TONIGHT ON THE USA NETWORK! Maddox was mocked for not having a song, and is wearing a purple shirt, black vest, and bright blue pants. This monotony ended when Big E came out to no reaction because he doesn't anything in a month. Big E is the new GET ME _____ guy. Good role for him. Match between them is up.

Big E dominated ON THE APP. Punk got out of a half crab, which gave him a brief opening before Big E destroyed him again. Punk got the big elbow, which he should really stop doing if he wants to avoid killing his knees. GTS got the win. That wasn't bad, but wasn't very exciting either. Cole blatantly said this match was done to show that Punk can do the GTS to a guy about Ryback's size. Tremendous sell on the GTS by Big E though - going to his knees, then slowly falling into Punk. The men who go for the title that is IN ABEYANCE talk later. The Rhodes/Levesque summit is later.

SD was the most socially active show on TV's deadest night. JBL said Fandango was like a male Shakira. WWE is donating 20% of the cancer merch to Komen, so lord only knows what that breakdown means for actual cancer research. Fandango is somehow like not only Shakira, but also a mix of Randy Couture and Usher! Kofi's finisher got a 30 second highlight vid - at least they're pushing SOMEONE from Youtube on the main show. Nice corner jump up ala Booker T, but into a rana instead of a sunset flip. They rhymed tango, Fandango, and Papa Shango. Fandango did a suplex with an Eddie-like hip swivel. Like two dudes chanted Summer Rae, JBL, and King. Kofi hit his video game comeback. Trouble in Paradise came within about two feet of Fandango's head to win - well, that finisher was telegraphed with the highlight video, and I'm glad it missed given that a concussion ruined Fandango's career. Wyatts came down to kill Kofi. Or just to say stuff ominously. That was a good promo, but disappointing bit.

Dolph kicked to the pre-show in a match with no build. Poor fucker. HAH, and the event song even says "how the mighty fall". Orton talked about Brie and Bryan getting married. Orton's the lead heel and even he has anti-cancer merch. Renee talked with Heyman, who said that Punk will never intimidate or bully him again because he's a nobody. One who became WWE Champion thanks to him! Renee's face here ruled. Los Matadores video aired. They're coming next! FERNANDO AND DIEGO -LOS MATADORES! El Mantauro debuted as their sidekick. This is absolutely ridiculous for a regular entrance, but is...memorable I suppose. I will buy their theme. So they will have drawn at least $1. JBL said something looked familiar about this, and Cole asked if it was the bull. Boring chant broke out and they talked about Puerto Rican bull fighters. LOVE the flying flip headbutt. Double falling Angle slam won. Bull is named El Torito and JBL sang their theme.

WWE WILL HELP END BREAST CANCER! Goofy anti-cancer PSA featured the Wyatts...wow. PLEASE WELCOME THE OWNER OF, AND COO OF WWE, STEPHANIE AND HHH! According to Cole, MANY HAVE BEEN REFERRING TO HHH AND STEPHANIE AS THE AUTHORITY. No, no one has ever called them that. Ever. Get the Shovels sign made air. Cole's "Choose which one of your jobs gets your son back." was amusing. Goldust is in a white and grey suit with his paint. Cody and Dusty look solid. Loved HHH burying the territories since you know he loves them and is just reciting Vince's stuff mockingly. Dusty is a unique shade of orange tonight. Steph said they'd love to give the Rhodes' a job IF they can beat the tag champs at Battleground. If the Rhodes' lose, then they're gone FOR GOOD! And Dusty gets fired too. MASSIVE pop for Dusty getting the mic. The Rhodes family hates the Mcmahons, but is wearing anti-cancer ribbons too. The Shield jumped them all, and Dusty got to be physical by rolling in the ring and getting hit then. This was pretty good stuff - easily the best part of the show as far as being genuinely good. Great Captain America Believes in the Shield sign.

Outstanding Punk-Ryback vid without any logos on the footage hyped up that match. Truth rapped with headphones, which Cole questioned while JBL said it's what "we rappers do". JBL rules. Axel's out to destroy him. Cole shilled Modern Family on USA since it's being replayed there. Crowd gives no shits about this. Axel took the greatest bump for the suplex stunner ever. Axel's elbow pad has the ribbon on it, and Axel lost after Punk's theme hit and Truth got Paydirt for the win. So logically, he should be getting a title match at the PPV. According to WWE on Facebook, Trish gave birth earlier today. Kudos to her.

Awesome ad for Punk's shirts, which was already updated to tonight's show since it had his shirt and the Mute>Cole sign. and they showed WWE.com's piece on Trish's baby being born. JBL said with a name like Maximus, the boy'd better learn to fight. They hyped up the Brie-Bryan engagement with Total Divas clips. They aired these to the silliest song ever. AJ faces Brie at the PPV for the title. Cole called Alicia AJ. Lots of fuck-ups like that tonight. This show feels like a second taping Impact show. Crowd doesn't care a lick about this. Alicia's camo booty shorts rule. Brie won with the X factor. They showed a great BriE ModE sign with the E logo. Cena's stupid racing game app was hyped.

Axel clutched his title and Heyman yelled at CURTIS for being paranoid. Ryback's got a new anti-cancer shirt. Axel is about as bad an actor as Wes Brisco. Paul's man-crush on Ryback is amazing. He now wants to propose to him. This act rules. Just For Men presented a recap of Big Show punching Miz out. Renee asked Show the EXACT same question she did on SD. HHH mocking him there was shown. Show cited his situation being like having Damocles's sword over his head. #bigsophie Show said HE'S NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE! And then he got all crazy movie monster mode and made crazy faces before lurching off with his fist cocked like a movie monster. THIS RULED!

Truth demanded a shot from Maddox before Show came in and threatened Brad. Ryder had crazy orange and black gear that looked way better than his usual garbage. WHY IN GOD'S NAME ARE THEY SHOWING THE AGES FOR ALBERTO AND RVD in the Battleground graphic? Given that RVD actually looks way younger than his age, there's no benefit to it and Alberto seems like too new an act to only be seven years younger than him. They talked about the WHC match being a hardcore match, and JBL said that Alberto won it in an LMS match that was pretty hardcore. True - that match was probably crazier than this match will be. Broski Boot hit. Rough Ryder countered. So Ryder did exactly as well here as he does in every other TV match. Armbar got the win. Alberto played with his little flags, then kicked the fuck out of Ryder's head. Heyman proposes to Ryback next.

HHH summit was recapped. WWE thanked themselves for being amazing, and gave "breast cancer survivors and supporters" a few seconds of airtime. Heyman's promo about destroying Punk in front of his fans, friends, and those he calls his family that week ruled. Heyman showered praise on Ryback, THE BIG BAD BEAUTIFUL MAN OF WHOM HE SPEAKS! It pained Ryback to see Paul bullied. There's NOTHING he wouldn't do for Paul. This fakeout is so great.The crowd dared to chant "get a room." Heyman proposed that he become a Heyman Guy, which Punk rudely interrupted. He "slipped" over the barricade. Cue the "IT'S A TRAP" GIF. Punk's in a new SGK shirt. SHOCKINGLY, it was a trap and he beat them up (and Axel) with a kendo stick. Aim for the guy WITHOUT a giant shirt and vest on, dipshit. He did, and Axel ate a hell of a beating here. Heyman hiding behind Ryback and part of the lights rules. I hope Ryback wins the match, because Punk can afford more losses. Show is in HHH's office, which you can tell is his due to his DVD cover being on the wall.

Shield 6-man tag is up. Seems a bit like just another match. Cute spot with Ambrose and Rollins holding an Uso so the other could dropkick his back and knock them down. Not sure why they didn't just drop him to prevent that from happening. Nice Muta-esque elbow from Ambrose to Dolph. VINTAGE SHIELD! Amazing for a group that's only been around a year. Reigns spear got the win after a series of blind tags. Fun match, but it didn't seem very important. Looks like Dolph's winning on the pre-show to resume his Ambrose feud. The entire focus from the commentary was on the Rhodes match. OH NO, Big Show is stripping in HHH's office!

They came and he THREW FLOWERS. Cops called him Paul and asked him to leave for threatening an employee. Steph talked about him for a bit. It's important to tell the cops that he knocked out a WWE hall of famer. Show has A BIG MORTGAGE PAYMENT. She vouched for him, and then said his wife said he was shitty in bed. Maybe some of HHH's water will make his flag stand at attention. Show stood in front of the poster for HHH's DVD (available now at all retailers) and punched it. This looked way faker than it should've with them cutting out like a human head-sized shape instead of a fist-sized one. RVD cut a bad promo with Renee to show the Youtube clip WWE put up of him doing cool shit - including the throat crusher frog splash. Alberto "leaves no mercy...in the ring!" Goddamn that was horrible - and that was among the better bits of build for it thanks to the clips. Hornswoggle, Santino, and Khali walked backstage to do something.

Shield faces Big Show on SD. Real Americans now have pink shirts and a black and pink flag. They're going a bit overboard with the pink stuff, although I am for anything that gives Zeb and Cesaro merchandise checks. Cesaro Swing on Titus from SD was replayed. They recapped the snake charming bit from SD. JBL knowing the technical name for snake charming rules. "We're gonna hit our overrun on a Cesaro Swing!" JBL is the star of the show. Santino won via fluke rollup. Zeb made a great face afterwards and the faces did the trumpet. Khali moved forward at perhaps a millimeter an hour.

"The Mighty Fall" is the Battleground theme. The comedy of them hyping up "the mighty fall" and Dolph rules. King and his theme got in the ring to congratulate Brie and Bryan on their engagement. Bryan's pink YES shirt looks okay. They showed a kid in the Wyatt sheep mask in the crowd. It's 11 and the main event segment has just finished the intros. "We'll wait until Sunday for the physicality." Because wrestling shows are for TALKING! I like that Orton is basically saying he's no longer one kind of character - HE'S ANOTHER KIND OF CHARACTER! HE'S A VILE, HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING. He's still against cancer though - which his shirt says. Bryan...repeated Orton's insults against him and said they're true. Orton told the crowd to shut up. Orton insulted Brie. I hope Bryan insults one of Orton's many wives. Bryan clotheslined him out of the ring at 11:05.

Orton atacked him, then Brie begged for him to stop. Oh lord - the PPV main event hype now involves Brie Bella's acting skills. RKO through the table. Crowd chanted RANDY and one guy wanted him to kiss her. This was fine in theory, but didn't do much to make me want to see them in another match, or watch the show itself.

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WWE SD 9-27-13

HHH came out being introduced like a face by Lilian, and Cole saying he's had tons on his plate. HHH hates the word favoritism. He and his wife are okay with people blaming them for their failures and know they can't make everybody happy. HHH said the fans should be happy with them since he put 11 of their favorites against 3 men. JBL buried the match saying the faces weren't going to be able to lose the match with the odds stacked in their favor. Miz interrupted HHH and got a big canned reaction. I see three people clapping for him. Miz beginning with REALLY, REALLY!? made me want HHH to destroy him with a hammer. Limb-by-limb or Misery-style would be fine. HHH then buried him for being given a chance, failing, and blaming someone else. HHH said that they should look at his match with Orton and NOW asked if they could get footage on short-notice. If Renee Young has the power to get footage instantly, I'm sure he does too. THE SADISTIC ONE WAS DRIVEN BY WORDS FROM STEPHANIE MCMAHON, the real top heel act. HHH said Miz failed, and Miz made a pouty face. HHH said he saved Miz from himself on Raw, and even gave him the chance to speak his mind on Miz TV. Miz blew that too.

Miz said it was nothing but a good cop/bad cop routine and Miz got buried for insulting Steph on Raw. Miz said he called her a castrating witch, BUT HE SHOULDA CHANGED THE W TO A B! This was about a sixth-grade insult. Miz was given a shot with Orton, and Miz wanted it. HHH offered to send Papa and Mama Miz to the building in his personal jet - if the Cleveland airport could hold it. That ruled. The rest of this just a bunch of words for 13 minutes. Oh, and Dolph faces Ambrose later. Alberto gets a random match against someone next. Hell of a world champ.

 Alberto beating up RVD in the back was recapped. They talked about RVD getting his ass kicked by Orton, then showed Alberto kicking his ass. I hope RVD re-signs because he deserves a better send-off in WWE than this feud. I loved Alberto's jumping claps after that footage was shown. Cole pondered that Truth COULD be in the World title picture if he wins. Yup, sure could. Shame that Truth's just a jobber now because he had some major momentum at two points in time and they've just destroyed him. Alberto's mouth got busted up on the suplex>stunner, but he won with the basement superkick. I love that being a finisher now. Post-match armbar. RVD made the save and got a huge pop. Chair skateboard returned. I'd really like RVD to win the title since he's at least got a character that's over - granted, it's the same one from 15 years ago more or less, but it's still better than Alberto. HHH made RVD-Alberto a hardcore match, or rather, THE BATTLEGROUND HARDCORE RULES MATCH! RVD did everything but put the belt around his waist properly here. PTPs met with guys and Titus gave them a penalty for doing the dance badly. Cole insulted the guys and called them nerds. This was amusing.

Zeb mocked folks who just say WE THE PEOPLE to try and prevent that from turning them faces, and then folks just did it anyway. PTPs are out against his duo. I was hoping JBL would say Zeb enjoyed climbing the smoky mountains when Cole mocked his climbing pants. Cesaro did the giant swing for 23 revolutions, leading to the wacky fan in the front row doing the Savage finger waggle for each one. JBL lost his shit here. Titus is a big motherfucker too. Gorgeous sambo suplex from Cesaro. Loved the blind tag allowing an ankle lock win out of a cover - great finish to a really fun match. Bray makes his SyFy match debut next - IT'S GOOD FOR BUSINESS! That just seems odd to apply to this gimmick.

Ryder came out to be victimized. His bright gear screams goober. Loved the crossbody missile getting a little touch with him tying himself to the ropes afterwards. One guy yelled HUSKY HARRIS at him. Wacky chinlock from Bray. Flying forearm in the corner led to the Broski Boot for...not even 1. Sister Abigail's Kiss took Ryder out. US Title match is up next, with no real hype on this show at all. Dolph brought RVD and...Kofi out to second him. Well, Kofi used to be a main eventer. Four years ago. Cole hyped up an exclusive response from the Rhodes family tonight, which sure is odd for folks who are fired. Match went a couple of minutes before shit broke down. AN ENTIRE BRAWL HAS ENSUED. As opposed to a partial brawl. HHH made a Holla Holla Holla six-man tag. Bell rang...and they went to a break.

They came back with RVD getting beaten up to set up the hot tag. Dolph hit the heartstopper elbows. Okay, so they bring up the move KILLING JERRY LAWLER and then have him still do it. Sure, the guys he's doing it to are younger, but it isn't like many of them aren't at risk for major heart problems later thanks to the wrestler diet. Big KOFI chant broke out in some form or fashion. Crowd actually seemed to be hot for this. Goofy fan in the front row did the Black Power fist after Reigns got 2. Kingston got the tag and fired up. Crowd went crazy for him - dude still manages to get over no matter how they've marginalized him. It's kind of amazing given how little mic time he's given. Spear to Dolph took him out. Moonsault off the apron from RVD wound up looking more like a Davey Boy powerslam from Reigns at the end. Springboard chop to Amnrose from Kofi before Reigns came in and got kicked. O Conner roll got countered into a flying curb stomp from Rollins to win. Crazy ending, but a fun match. Renee asked Show how he's doing. He said he can't sleep, he's a pariah, HE'S CALLED NAMES! HHH came in and he broke down. AS A FRIEND, HHH will help him find another job. But it's tough since he can only be a doorman, paperboy, or maybe airport baggage guy. That came off like a shot at Dr. Death - fitting HHH filling in for Vince getting in subtle digs at JR. HHH mocked Show for crying. This was emasculating for Show more than usual. Loved Show roaring at him. MACHETE KILLS. MACHETE DON'T TWEET!

Tamina's with AJ because she's her bodyguard now. She's dressed a bit like a feminine member of the Shield. AJ's got a giant arm brace on her right elbow. Cameron did about the world schoolgirl cradle ever. Split legdrop from her got 2. Tamina prevented Naomi from getting involved directly, and then Cameron got another schoolgirl for 2 before eating the Shining Wizard-ish thing for 3. Heyman walked with Axel backstage. Cole hyped up WWE 2K14. Goldberg's full intro with backstage stuff is included. That'll be fun - especially if they can manage to top VPW 2's entrances. Cole called Heyman the fattest manager ever. JBL rightly told him to stop it with the cheapshots. Ryback's massacring of Punk was shown after a glorious promo. Then he talked more after that and was great blaming the fans for what happened to Punk since their cheers led Punk into his trap. This was awesome and made Punk-Ryback feel like a fairly big deal...until I remembered Ryback's losing streak starting against Punk a year ago.

WWE is going to rise above cancer again, and Slater gets to face Santino. Mr. Monday Night is now MR. YOUTUBE as RVD is on the JBL and Cole show. JBL said this wasn't exactly Dick the Bruiser vs. The Crusher. Then he sang the Laverne and Shirley song before Cole talked about the Fonz. Jinder mimed the flute while they dubbed in a ton of music, so Khali countered it with more music. The Cobra was about to go after SSantino, but Hornswoggle saved him. JBL said things have jumped the shark. Cole called it rotten, and Cole said this was the home of Austin 3:16. Khali played music to bring the cobra back to life and give Santino a win. This was VINTAGE HORNSWOGGLE VS. LITTLE BOOGEYMAN in that the commentary saved it and made it glorious and well worth watching.

Los Matarores were hyped up. These things would've been a lot cooler without the stupid green screen shit. Their theme should get a massive pop. Rhodes recap. It's been nearly a month since the Cody firing angle. Wow. Sure doesn't feel like it. HHH site video played - the Rhodes family can go to Raw as his guests - he has a proposition for them. @CODYRHODESWWE Touted with Goldust about it. I liked Miz coming down and going for some ground and pound right away - it made perfect sense...until Miz started throwing punches. Miz bonked his shoulder into the corner when the clothesline missed. Doctor stopped the match, but Orton destroyed him anyway. Miz won via DQ. HHH said he wouldn't allow Orton to INTENTIONALLY LOSE LIKE THAT, so he made in No DQ. Miz made a brief comeback but got bonked with a chair and got all glazed over. Draping DDT to the floor. The close-up of Orton's face makes him look at least 40. It's a good thing Miz has 2 layers of gear on, because Orton gave him a mega-wedgie with the DDT and tossing him into the ring.

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TNA Impact 9-26-13

TNA posted on Facebook that there was a SECRET MEETING between the Aces and 8s 30 minutes before Impact. Credit vid for Impact focuses on the AJ/Dixie drama, and pimps the Rampage-Tito deal. The opening vid is focusing on the MEM and EGO. Bully thanking Brooke's ass was recapped. Dixie was shown in the truck looking angry as AJ cut his promo, and then Dixie was shown to be a raging bitch. Real Estate Steve met with Dixie, now dressed like a flamboyant table cloth. Dixie's now referring to herself in the third person. Bully and Brooke's ass in tiny booty shorts came down. Bully talked about strategizing for AJ and how he doesn't need to do it thanks to Dixie. A granny in an NWO shirt was unimpressed by Bully's promo. The Aces came out, with Knux now as the mouthpiece. Holy hell. Bully ordered Knux to never call her a ho again, leading to a chant and a chick waving her tits around in the crowd. Oh, and if the Aces lose to the Mafia, the loser of the fall gets booted. Sabin faces Manik for the X title because...I guess you get a pity shot at that after losing the world title. Goofy 6-person tag is next. Park sang "Sweet Caroline" and tried to shave, but EY told him to not shave since he'll bleed and become a monster! BroMans logo rules. Gail's got some patch on her side.

Loved Robbie running into Joseph and just bouncing off - leading to Park once again saying he did nothing. Park as a face in peril rules. Park got his ass kicked by Gail!  EY came in and was ungodly smooth in there after doing a crossbody onto the Bro Mans. ODB won with a splash after the guys did their finishes to Robbie. This was super-fun. Aries looks like a colossal douchebag backstage - he'll be cutting a promo next.

BUT FIRST, Hogan has to earn his $35,000 by saying he's read transcripts of Impact. Well, that could be more fun than watching it. Taz pondered if Tenay had little drummer boys with him. I doubt it. Maybe Patterson would. Aries said that even though he won't be headlining BFG, he's always the main event. Kenny King came out in the cheapest-looking MMA-style shirt ever - TNA's way late on that crazy. Kenny cut a decent cocky promo about destroying the X division last year, then saying that Sabin was frail...despite him being a heel now. King blamed Aries for taking HIS title, which I'd completely forgotten about with the Suicide ploy. Kenny said that Aries was Gen Next a decade ago...um, isn't King about his age? They started brawling and this is a huge step up for King.

They came back and showed a close-up of Kenny's head being split open. First time we get blood on national TV in ages legit and it's Aries-King. Stun Gun attempt from King sent Aries over the top. Kenny rubbed his hand over his head and rubbed blood on his chest. Nasty, but awesome. Kenny did a springboard...off the bottom rope for a legdrop. That just seems stupid. It's one thing to risk a blind dive off the top since you'll in theory do more damage, but you're not really going to do that off the bottom rope. Nice strike exchange between the two leads to King doing a jumping spin kick. Kenny is shining brightly here. Super head and arm Tazplex by King got 2. King missed a corner dropkick, but Aries hit his and nailed him with the brainbuster. This overdelivered big-time.

They came back and hyped up the live BFG pre-show. A Tapa vid aired. God, it just seems wrong for her to get a shot before Ivie. Also, this video came off like a low-budget indie version of a Memphis video - think about that for as sec. Sabin was a smug shit to Aries, and actually came off like a bigger asshole to set up I guess those two going at it for the X title at BFG. The Aces-Mafia logo showed off just how much...stuff is in the MEM logo. It's got gears, a sun and some other shit. Magnus spazzed out about EGO. Sting told Magnus to listen to Joe and calm down. Yes, listen to the man who wore PJs, carried a knife around, and murdered a dude. Hogan's out next.

 AJ-Dixie vid aired. Why is Dixie, who has the power to shut the show off, allowing the promo to re-air that she shut the show off for? A clip of Dixie going COME ON to that fan that popped her with his sign at BFG '11 was shown in the video too. This might've been funnier than the actual deal as it went on last week. Hogan came out and they showed more Danielson shirts than Hogan shirts.
NWO Granny loves Hogan. TNA is spending $35,000 an appearance and a quarter-million a week so Hulk Hogan can get vanity pops on a bi-weekly basis. Hogan needs to DIG UP SOME POWER. Better dial up Zahorian. Hogan's in the same shitty shirt that King was. Hogan's arms are looking really old now. Maybe that'll lead to him finally stop trying to keep his arms looking gigantic. These crowd shots are amazing. Lots of XXXXL shirts. And NWO Granny - the true star of the show. Taz said the Aces are about quantity...no, QUALITY over quantity and admitted he messed up. His continued paycheck is baffling. Angle hype vid aired - he'll return at BFG. X Title is on the line next. I guess Aries costs Sabin the win and they do a 3-way at BFG.

 A little hype vid for ETHAN, with diamond and silver blinged-out logo aired. I have no idea who that is, and they gave no hints beyond him probably having a generic theme. AJ was emo to the camera guy. Velvet came out with Sabin in her hottest dress ever. He prevented the pigeons from being let loose. Sabin's knee went out. Poor guy. Velvet walked Sabin to the back, who then tossed her into him so he could kick Manik's face off. Then he did one-legged squats. HEEL SABIN rules. Manik dragged Velvet in due to Sabin, then locked on a wacky Firepro cradle for the win. Velvet isn't a heel yet - she's against Sabin, but stuck in the middle because she loves him. Or something like that. Wes cut an awful promo about the how THE CLUB IS CRUM-BLING! Bisch was decent. Knux cut a passionate promo about fighting for the colors and fighting for the cuts. This is the most jobberiffic team ever - even worse than X-Factor.

They hyped up the Tag Team BOGO sale. AJ is meeting with Hogan later. Angle vid re-aired, so they're clearly hoping he can lead to some extra buys. EGO was upset about that, so hopefully he gets to German suplex them a ton at BFG. Daniels' douchey scarf rules. Kaz said that Magnus is a great loser - better than anyone else. Daniels and Kaz did a big bad guy laugh, but couldn't get Roode to join. This was awesome. I would so watch the EGO Choco-Bot Power Hour. Wiz Brisco is coming out! Christy is just awful sometimes. Taz called the Mafia the MAIN EVENT MATRYRS...how is that a burn? Sting came in and did his awesome backhand chop thingy a bunch. He can still do that really well - and no game has really replicated that move well. EGO jumped Magnus then left.

Taz of all human being had the nerve to call the Mafia complacent. Joe's awesome boxer shorts have now become basic small black trunks with a shiny...kinda olive-colored belt. Looks super-cheap. Stinger splash to the jobbers, and Knux. Wes got choked out and he's now out of the group. Bully and Brooke's ass came down. Bully asked for a mic and got it eons later. Even by wrestling standards, Wes is a bad actor and way too orange. Big NO chant here. Bryan is the biggest star on WWE and TNA TV. Bully told the other goons to take his cut. Bully attacked Wes and asked them where their balls were. AWESOME piledriver to Wes from Bully. Bully told them to take the cut now or he'll drill him again. This was great stuff. They took it, set him down gently, and set up a great turn. Knux and Bisch are now Show, only with a giant world champ bullying them around instead of a mother of 3. Hogan and AJ speak NEXT! Hopefully they make it quick because it's 10:47 and they still need to do intros for both guys.

Hogan's in the ring to talk about doing things TNA STYLES! AJ's in the team for TNA...or something at BFG. AJ half-emo intro just isn't working - this had better be leading to the return of the full proper intro for him at BFG. Hogan's been around the block a few times with Hulkamania brother, BUT HE CAN'T EVEN HEAR HIMSELF THINK due to AJ. And he said AJ was going to win the title at BFG and gave him a new contract because they can't have a guy fight for the belt without one. AJ...signed the contract without incident. Dixie came out. AND SHE'S GOT PINK PANTS ON TOO. Giant DIXIE SUCKS chant broke out. She thanked Hogan for opening doors and teaching her so much about the business. Oh boy. He's so getting another contract. She cracked me up turning AJ's "on your knees" line against him with DARLIN, IN YER DREAMS BABY! Then she tore up the Phenomenally Marginally One's contract. Dixie is so great. GO HONEY! She's the 1% and the people can't understand what her life is like. IT'S SO HARD, AND Y'ALL JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND! She told Hogan to get on TEAM DIXIE!

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"Bad Guy Laugh, c'mon!"

WWE Raw 9-23-13

Pre-Raw hype involves HHH addressing things and a fan holding up a CENA VS. POPE sign. That would be pimpin. In 2007. Angelo Savoldi got a very nice little Vince-narrated tribute to start the show. That was a pleasant surprise given that they didn't even do one for Thesz. The regular WWE Universe resumed with a nice recap of last week's attacks on Bryan. THE RANK AND FILE are on the ramp with a podium. According to Justin Roberts, STEPHANIE is now the owner of WWE. I can't wait for RVD to say dude. HHH and Steph are doing some weird almost-comedy act for their intro. They were all brought on stage for one reason...TO HEAR HHH TALK! Or for stepping up. RVD's mic didn't work, and he said C'MON DUDE! RVD said they stood up for Bryan, and HHH said it was odd since people fought to be WWE Champion. Dolph could be in the PPV main event, as could R-TRUTH or Ryder. THEY COULD BE THE FACE OF THE COMPANY. HHH blamed it all on the Shield taking them all out. HHH said he'd give the 10 guys a partner, in a wacky elimination handicap match...kinda like on SD, only I guess he likes this one. Bryan will be their partner. The WWE UNIVERSE gets to choose who faces Orton tonight. It could be Truth, Dolph, or RVD. None of these men is CM Punk, who the crowd is cheering for. They showed Punk bullying Paul at NoC. They're in Chicago so Punk can cut a promo.

Kofi's facing the world champ, in a match announced on the app. So the world champ really must be an important guy. They hyped up THE APP and showed you how to install the app. And we get to see features from the app. So the app is more important than the world title. Some guy with the Big Gold Belt came out. They brought up Kofi working double duty tonight, which really makes the roster seem thin. Nice rana out of a corner spring counter from Kofi. Cole said that HHH has turned on the Shield, who he relied on EARLY ON...like on SD. Nice flip dive from Kofi. Crowd gives no shits about this.  Kofi did his fakeout, which Alberto telegraphed a bit by diving INTO THE TIMEKEEPER'S PIT before Kofi's head even hit the rope. CBS is hyping up THE MOTHER OF ALL MONDAYS. None of these shows seem the least bit entertaining. 2 Broke Girls might be worth getting when Mill Creek releases it in budget sets due to Kat's boobs. ON THE APP, Alberto attacked the arm. A Randy Savage chant broke out. A Colt Cabana one did too. Cole said that the last time the WWE Title was held up was due to MITB in Chicago. OLE song was sung. They did stuff. Kofi hit Y and did his comeback. SOS got 2. Kick was countered into a big German suplex for 2. JBL hyped up the armbar as one of the best finishers in the sport. Yup. MMA. It got countered into a bulldog-ish thing called a DDT. Codebreaker on the arm and the armbar got the win. Alberto was a massive face here. They pondered how Kofi would be, then said he'd be completely fine since there are 10 other dudes out there. So they really took the wind out of the point of this. No one over the age of 14 is sharing their U CAN'T C ME rides with their friends.

They came back and Renee interviewed Miz, who is in a checkered-top grey suit. Renee made sure to roll footage of Miz being attacked. Miz should be quite mad at his dad. HHH got in the scene before Miz could talk - probably for the best. According to HHH, CHICAGO WANTS ITS MIZ TV! That might've turned him heel. Miz TV will happen with Show, and they showed the HHH-Rhodes deal. They showed a graphic for the handicap match, and somehow acted like it was unfair for the faces despite them having a major numbers edge. Super King, who faced mummies and confronted Batman on TV, is calling the Wyatts weird. PTPs got a jobber intro. JOHN CENA'S FAST LANE is trending worldwide. I call bullshit on the Fast Lane app trending. I demand a D-Bryan app where he shops for produce at a farmer's market. Fans chanted for Bryan. Harper's bald spot is amazing. Crowd is chanting WE WANT DRAGON/DANIEL BRYAN. JBL called his an old-fashioned Chicago mugging. That must be a codeword for boring. Titus went for the YOU THINK YOU FUCKIN TOUGH fallaway, but was prevented from doing it and fell to Harper's lariat. Abigail's kiss and dance took out D-Young. They cut Cole off mid-sentence to hype up THE APP choice against Orton.

Miz is out to kill the 9 PM rating. He said he'd normally be smiling, but HE'S PISSED OFF. And he's got a scowl like a kid making a serious face. PAYBACK WILL COME AND IT WILL BE AWESOME. But not at the PPV named Payback. They showed Show's KO punch again and again and JBL said it was the American Dream going to sleep. Miz clumsily said that he and Show were both partners and enemies. Miz asked why Show did what he did. Yes Miz, anger the large giant man with pent up rage. There's no way this could work out poorly for you. Then he just explained why Show did it...so why did he ask the question? Miz told Show to STAND UP and stop letting that castrating WITCH run things. Ruler of the queendom came out. Steph said that she'd let what Miz said slide, but that what he said was BORDERLINE SLANDER! Steph said that Miz peaked early, and that he was only kept around because he'll do any grunt work they ask - then they buried all grocery stores and lower-end stores that they have stars go to. Steph told Show to KO him, he did, and got YESed for it. Well, Miz did hog the interview and not let Show answer his one question. CBS ad for Hostages peaks with a woman showering.

Show's KO was replayed. Orton-Random Man is next. Tonight's app choice is the historic SECOND-MOST VOTED ON CHOICE YET. King called Orton the WWE Champion, and RVD won the vote. RVD came out and they showed a fan dressed like Crockett and in a Sin Cara mask. GO SIN CROCKETT! They did some stuff. Went to a break. RVD did a back suplex to him on the app. Draping DDT. Sadly, no crazy DDT sell from RVD. RVD got a kick and went for a five star, but Orton got up - shame too. I was hoping they'd do an RKO out of the five star ala the Bourne SSP. RVD gets tossed into the barricade. Double count out. Wow this sucked. Orton shoved him into the steps and then kicked the ass of the NUMBER 1 CONTENDER TO THE WORLD TITLE like he was nothing. More ass-kicking. More. More. This needs to end. This is like when Sting kicked RVD's ass for nine hours on Impact when he debuted. Draping DDT from...slightly higher than usual! Dear God, the show's only halfway over.

They killed time with a Los Matadores promo. They debut next week. Thank God. ON THE APP, Alberto attacked RVD. Orton talked to the Bellas, and Brie said that she was too busy not caring to notice what he did. They had a narrated clip of HHH's DVD out of absolutely nowhere with a strange echo over hte footage. Steph met with AJ and gave her a copy of the DVD - and not the Blu Ray. BURN! Between Battleground's poster with Ryback and the Call, WWE loves them some red backdrops. Steph threatened to take the title from AJ. Summer Rae's dress is a blinding shade of pink. And WWE is hyping up their second year of the Komen deal.

They hyped up Dominos Pizza, and Cole ordered King to buy one.  Fandango's facing Santino. Orton might not be 100% - he kicked too much ass. A Summer Rae chant broke out. The crowd sang Fandango's theme. Cole referenced TONY GAREA during an abdominal stretch. Air Fandnago legdrop got the win. Kofi tweeted he'd be in the match. Goody. The Ryback-Punk stuff was focused on because Punk is next. Show is 2/3 over. Excellent ad for Beyond: Two Souls. Can't believe it's only 2 weeks away.

Punk came out and got a huge pop in a Blackhawks jersey. They announced Ryback-Punk ON THE APP apparently, and showed a great graphic for it - the Battleground graphic setup is nice. His right knee is so fucked that he's got it taped up to walk out. Punk said that the fans ruined a perfectly good bad mood because he hasn't smiled since NoC. Punk pointed to someone, likely Colt, and said he tried to get the Stanley Cup tonight but it's in Toronto. Punk teased retirement. Punk thankfully called them a wrestling crowd and not a WWE Universe City. Loved the Grey's Sports Almanac reference. He then recapped hockey, because why not.  They've got tons and tons and tons of time to kill here. Punk said he's proud of these goddamn people, and that he may be down 3 games, but he'll come back! Heyman came out and sang "Start Spreading the News" on a scooter. And his mic died. Punk said that he'd have 18,000 to bail him out if need be. If he was in TNA, he wouldn't even be able to afford the free phone call.

Heyman damned Punk for CONFINING HIM TO A CONTRAPTION! Heyman said Punk was a second-city saint in a second-rate city, and that he was the second-best in the world. Heyman looked back on his photo of a pinfall over Punk with glee. They chanted walrus, and he said he is one - BUT HE BEAT THE BIGGEST SHARK IN CHICAGO. Punk asked if his goons could get to Heyman faster than he could. Given that his knees are all fucked, I'll say yes. Heyman said he would bit the city a FAIR ADEU, and then tried to escape before his scooter's battery died and Ryback and Axel saved him. Punk demolished Axel, then dove onto Ryback off the ramp and landed on his bad knee. Cro Cop kick took out Axel. Ryback attacked him because HE DOESN'T LIKE BULLIES. He tossed him through a table off a box on the stage. Heyman got up and a fan yelled IT'S A MIRACLE while Ryback said "this is what happens TO BULLIES!". This got great. It was really more like 10 minutes of great stuff spread over 20.

Tons of Losses were out for a match. BUT FIRST, a recap of the Punk deal. Actually, it's the Funkadactyls. Punk's refusing help, and it's an 8-diva tag. Bellas have Eva Marie with them. It's somehow an 8-diva match despite seemingly being a 10-diva tag unless Nikki isn't cleared. They finally had King said he mis-spoke saying that Orton was champ. Brie pinned AJ. So I guess the Bellas are buds with their enemies due to being on the show...where they're enemies. They showed a 30 second clip of RKOs from Youtube. Shield promo was good-ish, but Rollins wasn't very good. Orton's loss from NoC was shown. Then they recapped last week's stuff.

Main event is up at 10:30. Bryan got a full intro. If they give everyone intros, that'll kill tons of TV time. Nope. He's out to cut a promo. HUGE Daniel Bryan chant. Loved Bryan saying that the fast count accusations made no sense because Orton was knocked out...and didn't like him saying he didn't care about what happened at NoC. Bryan turned their nicknames of him against them, and that when the match is over, YES will haunt his days. Shield came out. So they should just kick his ass before the partners come out, which Cole brought up. Cody and Goldust, IN PAINT came down from the crowd and attacked. Goldust had blue jeans, a black hoodie, and BRIGHT SHINY GOLD PAINT ON HIS FACE. Maybe the security goons were too busy installing and watching THE WWE APP to notice.

On SD, Dolph faces Ambrose for the US Title. Cole said that Cody was fired and Goldust doesn't work there anymore...isn't that basically the same thing? All of that stuff ate up 11 minutes before this match could begin. They did stuff, then went to a break after RVD, THE NUMBER 1 CONTENDER TO THE WORLD TITLE was the first guy out in a match with Ryder and Kofi in it. Total nothing vibe from this, in part because THEY ALREADY DID THIS MATCH ON SD in some form. King put over THE KING OF KINGS, THE CEREBRAL ASSASSIN outsmarting everyone. Headlock driver took out Kofi. So far, the Shield is doing a fine job of taking out the much larger roster of opponents. Spear took out Titus with no trouble. Gabriel ate one even faster. Ryder got the double knees and Broski boot tease before eating the spear. Reigns is coming off like a badass motherfucker here. Bryan and the Usos ganged up on Reigns and he lost via an Uso dive. I'm shocked the chest guard didn't save him there. Cole said the match was made by HHH - THE VERY SAME HHH...in case you thought there were two, since he alternates between face and heel depending on the segment.

Northern lights from D-Young got 2. Flying knee from Rollins got 3. Dolph beat Ambrose, so he's retaining on SD. Now it's Rollins, the smallest member of the Shield, against four guys. VINTAGE AMERICAN MALES CLAP from Bryan and the Usos. Hat Rack Crack got 2. Rollins then pinned Truth with the flying curb stomp, because no faces felt like saving their friend. What assholes. The babyfaces surrounded Rollins...lowering themselves to the level of their enemies. Be stars, guys! Usos took out the Shield guys that ran back. Flying knee with a flip sell got the win for Bryan. I love seeing Bryan win, but this was really stupid.

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SD 9-20-13

I really love the HHH-heavy interview comparing the Bryan-Armstrong deal to a possible Pete Rose-World Series conspiracy, and saying that if he was really hard on Bryan, he'd have fired Bryan. I love it when the heel can completely justify their actions. Nice recap of Raw's main event and the shoulder-carrying deal too. Vickie is promising THE MOST ENTERTAINING SHOW IN SD HISTORY. That must be why they announced nothing for it on Raw. Vickie rattling off Wikipedia stats is amusing. Her pointing out how little Bryan's combined reigns lasted means they'd damn sure be having him win it AND hold onto it for a long time. Vickie as GM seems so weird since HHH is the boss, with Vince above him. Vickie's rattling off a slideshow of the guys who helped Bryan reminds me of the goofball cops on the '60s Batman movie recapping the villains complete with exactly one line about them. Also, Vickie made an 11-on-3 gauntlet handicap match...which somehow doesn't favor the 11 guys who vastly outnumber the heels. Ryback is in action later.

Naomi's in a match here, with Nattie at ringside being called "a cast member", because you know, everything's fake. AJ's facing Naomi, and Nattie stole "boy bye!"AJ's inset promo said that she's on a one-woman crusade to destroy the Total Divas cast. Given that she's a tiny woman who WANTS TO FACE HALF A DOZEN PEOPLE, she's a face here. Nattie also made excuses for losing at NoC, resulting in Cole saying all she did was abide by the rules of the match. The rules that WERE AGAINST HER. And Nattie acted like she was entitled to be the champion as a birthright. AJ selling an atomic drop is amusing. AJ turned a flying spinning headscissor into the Black Widow for a CLEAN WIN. Go AJ! THE ROCK is featured in a WWE toy ad, complete with sound bytes for the figure. Rock seems so much less of a star with that. These toy ads are EXACTLY the same as they were 20 years ago.

Santino's return match with Cesaro got a recap video. It was glorious. Zeb said that Swagger would face Santino tonight, and that he has to give Santino a PIZZA of his mind. Billy Gunn and Santino are on the JBL and Cole Show. That'll make it a must-watch. JBL hyped it by saying Road Dogg's catchphrase, then bringing it up by saying it's the one Armstrong who still has a job in WWE. JBL said that Swagger's wife's a supermodel. Didn't bring up her past in porn shockingly enough. Santino won. WM XXX is the 30th anniversary of WM...so they still can't count. Heyman-Punk-Axel match was recapped. Ryback feels like he should be the world champion right now. If it wasn't for that possibly being caused by a Ryback-RVD rematch, I'd be all for it. Axel's out there looking like a star in a suit. Nick Nardone looks like an early-'00s Velocity mid-carder, and he's going to be mangled by Ryback. Ryback said that Paul told him that Nick was BULLYING A CHILD by not signing an autograph, which led to Cole saying no one would want it. Well, that was an odd statement to not edit out of the show. Ryback won quickly - he is back on track and doing far better than I thought he could after last year's disastrous push of him was aborted. I don't see him getting to the WWE Title with this act, but the world title is a must. Orton is walking boringly backstage.

WWE made sure to alert you that they do tons of work with Make A Wish. Orton walked out. Cole announced that Orton and Bryan will have a match at Battleground for the title. He also bragged about that being an ALL NEW EVENT. Like Payback. Or Over the Limit. It could be named literally anything at all right now unless they give it some reason to exist. Orton promised to end the feud at Battleground ONCE AND FOR GOOD! Shield's out for their big, wacky handicap match to kill tons of time. All 3 Shield members will be in the ring at once against one man. Nice of them to explain it now.

D-Young's the first guy out. He got mauled by the spear. Cole brought up that they should've made the other members of the Shield stand on the apron - sound, except it gives them built-in time to rest. Triple powerbomb took him out. This feels like something that doesn't need to exist. YAY DOLPH'S OUT TO BE STUPID! Dolph took a crazy bump for a spear against the barricade and got pinned afterwards. Kofi and his bright banana yellow pants came down. Big kick hit Reigns for 2. His gear is way too busy. Headlock driver beat him. RVD's out. Why don't any of these guys just not come out from the ramp where the Shield expects them to come from? I love him spinning Ambrose's foot into Rollins to get a slight edge. Rolling thunder on Rollins...who has a ton of padding on his chest. HHH came down to shut the match down dude. HHH, who Cole said was stuck in traffic due to...having a meeting at WWE HQ the same day as SD, was pissed. I guess he wasn't following Twitter or watching THE WWE APP to find out what was going on.

HHH was angry about her booking the show like TNA because it would lead to a full-scale revolt 10 guys at a time. HHH talked about making competition. Odd thing to do when they tell you it's fake whenever possible. HHH made Bryan and the Usos vs. The Shield in a best of 9,000 series match tonight. Recap of Dusty's massacre. HHH met with Justin Gabriel and Ryder. HHH said bro. Dude rules all tonight. He's giving them some fair competition tonight.

They get to face the Wyatts. Well, this should feel like a nothing match. JBL said he was glad they had Ryder on their show before this, and Cole buried him for saying their show was the hottest show on Youtube on TV because IT'S ON THE INTERNET! JBL surprisingly didn't say that you can watch Youtube fairly easily on a TV now. Lariat of doom killed Ryder. Bray talked about always keeping his word - which he's done by beating dudes up. Well, at least he does what he says he'll do. Main event 6-man was hyped up with a graphic. This show is dragging on and on. There's just nothing that feels important on it. Thankfully, ROH is on GFL to help kill the boredom.

RVD met with a doctor and was given no lines to say. HHH said he was giving him a rematch at Alberto at the PPV. HHH is one heck of a babyface tonight. Alberto jumped RVD and threw him into stuff. I love the basement superkick - that's a way better finisher than the armbar. Loved JBL throwing his pencil at the notion that HHH and Alberto were in cahoots due to ADR's attack coming after HHH left. JBL singing WHAT'S UP/SHUT UP rules. Cole OH MY GOD at a fat white dude dancing to it was great. JBL wanted to get the song - in record form. JBL is tremendous. Cole pondered why Alberto would attack RVD, his challenger...JBL pointed that out immediately because Cole is a moron. Truth's got new early '90s airbrushed acid-washed white jeans that are looking quite awesome. Cole said Dusty's TMJ, or G, or something was out of place, but they put it back in place. JBL buried him for screwing up letters and asked if Beyonce married TC. Cole responded by calling him CBL. Main event is up next thank God.

BUT FIRST, we've got to find out about Raw being socially active. The Shield, the heels, were in the ring for their second match of the night - or fourth or fifth or whatever you'd count each match in the gauntlet as. Meanwhile, the faces were fresh and rested having not wrestled once tonight. Nice surfboard from Bryan. Great hammerlock from an Uso. Cole is explaining what a kickback is. This is a by-the-numbers six man here. It's not bad, but it's not particularly good. JBL's having fun mocking the idea of a big kickout being preceded by an announcer getting excited. Cole said that the Shield would eventually fall because all champions do - JBL countered with Rocky Marciano and that Mayweather hasn't yet. JBL said they won gold on their first PPV, then corrected himself to say the first shots they had. I could easily see them gaining a lot from at least Ambrose not losing due to a pinfall and instead losing the title via a triple threat or something. JBL put over the Shield fighting earlier and going into battle again here without question. Ambrose ate the corner dropkicks with some gusto. Super rana got 2. Crazy flip dive from Rollins. Crazier double dive from the Usos. Yes Lock to Ambrose, who makes it to the rope. Running knee got the win. That finish has gotten over shockingly quickly given that it came out of nowhere a month ago and now it's already instant death. Battleground is in 2 weeks...Goddamn!

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TNA Impact 9-19-13

ODB and EY were great in the pre-show promo. A terribly-edited version of AJ's "shoot" promo aired, and to further the vibe that Spike is stuck in '05, they've got a show coming up with Criss Angel. EGO jumped Magnus, who was cutting a promo as it if was shot last week. Dudes yelled. Bully-Anderson was recapped. TONIGHT, AJ STYLES CALLS OUT DIXIE CARTER! Who closed out the recap video with a slow motion shot of her waving. Magnus called out EGO for attacking him before, and said "Three individuals decided to insert themselves in...that match!" That could've ended quite a bit differently. Sting and Joe saved him from a beatdown. Sting's MEM shirt fits him far better than his regular one, which makes him look a bit younger, or at least a big less haggard. AJ promised to point out more of Dixie's mistakes tonight. So I guess that'll be taking up the rest of the show. Oh, and Hardy faces Manik - which they should've at least confirmed last week. Velvet's boobs look gigantic in this blue dress, and I like Sabin being a cocky asshole who is taking credit for Manik's success and the X division being his to rule for a decade.

Hardy's intro took up the time before and after the break. Manik's tron at least has his name on it now. Xercontinental Title still isn't doing much for me. Taz said Sabin was dressed like a stumble-bum. They started the match exchanging wacky spots ala the old Cruiserweight Moves spots in the SD games. Nice draping missile dropkick from Manik to Hardy as he was draped over the second rope. Whisper in the Wind got 2 after Manik rolled towards him. Manik got 2 off a cradle. Manik's corner neckbreaker was avoided, let to a Twist and Swanton for the win. Tenay annoyed me by saying it was a great start to "the in-ring portion of Impact". Sabin raised the hand of the loser, then kicked his ass because he's a loser. Then Sabin roared like a lion. This ruled! Dixie borringly said there was a lot goin on.

Sabin said he attacked Manik for being disrespectful towards a 6-time X champ, former tag champ, and World champ. Sabin...triple crown champ. Seems odd. Mickie-ODB is up next. Taz commented on ODB's hands being gigantic, while Mickie, the savior of the division, came down. ODB and Mickie met in a boob-to-boob meeting. Loved Mickie doing the double-leg over the rope choke in a new way by locking her feet in the bottom rope and taunting. Mickie begged for a timeout, then went for a VINTAGE FINLAY move trapping ODB in the apron to hit her a lot. They came back from a break and Mickie went for quick covers. Corner rana was countered into a powerbomb that Tenay said was powerbomb-esque. ODB stomped around before a corner avalanche, but kicked her in the corner, then in the ring. Taz said her yell and leopard-print gear made her a crazy animal woman.ODB countered the corner DDT into the BAM to win the title. EY and Joseph Park, drinking chocolate milk, came down to celebrate. The BroMans need to just use Robbie E's theme, because this theme is super-generic. Robbie feigned vomiting in a hilarious way looking at ODB, which insulted Joseph Park to no end by golly! He would fight him, but he's in a suit. EY isn't, so IT'S FIGHTIN TIME! Robbie missed a blind charge and won with a cradle. Robbie called him a fat bastard, which led to him taking his glasses off and showing off his giant Abyss tattoo on his wrist. For some reason, this deal gets the entire break and the mid-break cut-in too.

This also ended with a blind charge>cradle...Wow. So the buildup officially took a billion times longer than the match. BroMans beat them up afterwards. Park is RED SHARPIE-ING UP! A fan bragged to his friend Kyle in sign form that he made it to Impact. Aim higher with goals in life, dude. NS recap with Bully and Anderson was pretty good. Bully sez words after the break - so at the top of the hour. AJ-Magnus recap vid was pretty good. Hogan met with Dixie, who was busy texting. Hogan really earned his $30,000 there. Brooke's out with Bully in assless chaps and being pulled around with a chain. Okay, that last part is a bit much, but this outfit is amazing. Goddamn this group looks like a bunch of goobers right now. Bully thanked Brooke and not the Aces for him retaining last week. It's going to be fun watching this group fall apart. Wes and Bisch said that Brooke's the reason for things being screwed up. They're spending too much time on the Aces and not enough on Brooke's ass. Knux bowed up to Bully as well. He got a decent pop for saying maybe he could face him at some point. Knux said that it was Bros before Hos, so he's not only out of date, but adding to the homoerotic nature of this group. They're doing Ho chants with the YES hand gesture.

Hernandez and Chavo's generic theme came down. Chavo said the doc wouldn't clear him, so he can't kick ass tonight. It'll be Gunner-Hernandez. Tenay used his modern-day viking one for Gunner, leading to Taz calling Tenay a modern-day Barbarian. Hernandez did his spots. One-arm train wreck. Splash got countered. Get Off Me pounce hit and led to Air Mexico from the ramp. SLINGSHOT SUPLEX from Gunner. That looked difficult. Tenay can't wait for AJ-Dixie later - because talking is more important than wrestling on a wrestling show. Fallaway slam barely connected for Gunner - that looked like a big time struggle. Irish Curse backbreaker got the win. This was a fascinating match due to the dead-weighting going on. They're trying to get over MDV for Gunner - because Modern-Day Viking isn't stupid enough. AJ is SO ANGRY at Dixie that he's wearing the merch her company made for him.

Daniels has found a way to look like even more of a douche! SHADEGOGGLES! Also, the so-called main event is starting at 10:25. MEM came out, but Sting forgot his bat so he...just left and got it and they didn't both reshooting the intro. Shockingly, Joe and Daniels were great starting this match off. Sting came in and had a lot of fire for his offense - including a dropkick. For a 55 year old guy, it is surprising to see him bust that out.Tenay hyped up Bellator tomorrow night, which I would watch if it started at 10 PM and not at 9 PM against SD. Sting got beat down and I loved Kaz doing the big Sting yell. Mag Driver got 2. Bad Influence got double clotheslined by Sting. Roode hit a nice DDT on Sting. Snapmare>flying elbow got 2. Then a bunch of shit happened as Sting got the Scorpion Deathlock, but Magnus ate a bat shot for him and got beat...even though Sting was legal. I think.

At 10:50, AJ came out for his promo. You could tell he was serious because he didn't do his full intro. AJ talking about how the company's president has no experience and how the company's best days are behind them. I liked him mentioning Shelley and Lethal - odd to mention Petey since he's, ya know, been there within the past few months. AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO'S NOT PISSED OFF ABOUT THIS!? Astonished they didn't edit this a bit. AJ'S GONNA WIN DAT WORLD TITLE FOR DA BAND OF BROTHERS! And he'll make Dixie beg and make her pay when he wins it cuz THA INTERNET IS WRONG - HE DON'T HAVE A CONTRACT. Dixie wore her finest summer blue tablecloth for this event. Dixie came out and said she's sorry for EVER ALLOWING AJ TO THINK HE WAS IMPORTANT. Tremendous turn there. And then she said he's not phenomenal because he's not who he used to be - she can't recall the last great match he had. The house that AJ built was really built by her and he's lucky to have been allowed to play in it! That was...not bad, but not great either.

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WWE Raw 9-16-13

The show-opening video made Punk-Heyman seem fairly epic, while Bryan-Orton was relegated to a few seconds. Bryan came out and had new plates on the side - red and gold YES plates. I'd have preferred YES on one side and the dragon on the other, but this is still good. Love the old woman with white hair waving hi ANGRILY in the front row. HHH, the true top face and heel came out because Bryan is holding his title. And also, because there was a fast count. HHH demanded that footage be shown for his regular count, which was done for an Orton cover. They showed the complete finish of the match, so there's basically no reason to buy the replay now. 5 mins. in and they've already given you no reason to buy the replay between the finish of the main event airing and the highlights of the Punk-Heyman deal. Scott said "they got us", so he was sent to the back. HHH held the title up by saying it was in abeyance and said he would not just hand it over to Orton, and there may at some point be a rematch for him in his future. HHH was disappointed that HBK didn't teach Bryan better. So between that and the beard shaving, he's definitely getting involved in this soon. Bryan refused to hand it over, so he got an RKO and HHH got his BELT back. HHH does look good holding the belt. This was good, but didn't seem to set up much beyond a lot of backstage bits.

HHH and Orton bitched, while Steph attempted to screech. JESUS Steph's voice. She's angry because Orton isn't the psychopath who beat her husband and gave her a DDT. She's into some shit, and now wants a NEW FACE OF WWE. They are just burning through months of stuff here. It feels like there are many parts of the story we haven't seen yet. Dolph's facing Ambrose for...some reason after Ambrose beat him clean. JBL referenced the 81-82 Knicks, involving something that happened before I was born. They came back and Cole kept referencing "in abeyance", so "vacated" must be banned. Loved the vile back rack up top from Ambrose - he raked the back super-slowly and made it look great. "I'd rate him about a B+ actor." - Tremendous. I wonder what he'd rank Orton as. Dolph came back with a billion alternating corner mount punches that were Baba-esque. JBL called the elbows the heartstopper and thank Dolph for doing them for getting him a commentary job. Dolph hit the Zig Zag, so he's worked his way back up to a US Title match...like the one he had a night ago. Surprisingly, they showed Dolph's tights being pulled down in the replay. Aww - it was sweet of Dolph to led that special needs fan hold his arm up. They cut to Show to show Maddox telling him that "Miz McMahon" will be here in a moment. That was it.

They came back and had HHH and Steph, with her giant the Big Show appear. She ordered show to SIT DOWN in her office in as gruff a manner as possible. Unless she needs him. They showed a few shots of the Heyman deal, and King called him the Paulrus a lot. Most impressively, they showed Ryback carrying Heyman on his shoulder to the back. Summer Rae came out in a swank black and blue mini-skirt and top, while Fandango's silver and blue trim gear looked awesome. His new style gear is a bit ridiculous, but fits him well. Fandango faces someone, possibly named the Miz, next.

Nope, it's Truth - due to the SD dance contest. So that's the one thing on SD that matters. JBL buried the Mizco Inferno name. A Summer Rae chant got going. JBL is talking about the Mayweather fight a ton here. JBL chant got going. This match is nothing - it feels like a generic CPU vs. CPU one. Flying legdrop won the match - he landed right on his right hip on it. Ouch. They should call that move the hashtag hip surgery. HHH's DVD is hyped up. This is the most amusingly masturbatory DVD trailer ever. And it's got a lot of Al Snow soundbytes. It also ends on a shot of the camera looking up at his crotch with KING on it.

Recap of Orton killing the Rhodes clan recently. Dusty came out. It's kind of amazing that Dusty's doing as well as he is for being nearly 70. A FUCKING NEEDS MORE COWBELL REFERENCE IN 2013! He as VIRGIL RUNNELS cut a great hard times promo about his kids. I love Dusty, but they never need to show his face in closeup again. Dusty is here to hear about the business proposal from STEPHANIE LEVEQUE! I hope she calls Dusty her son of a plumber. Steph handed him a coupon for Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Dusty threw out that 30% off coupon. Steph said that Cody could have his job back, but they could only hire 1 Rhodes, so Goldust would be out of work. Dusty told her to go to hell, so the Shield came out. Steph didn't call him her plumber, but did bring out her giant, the Big Show. Steph said that Dusty's new choice was to be mangled by the Shield or just KOed by Show. YOU DON'T FUCKING TOUCH HIM. Go Show. They brought chairs in, so Show hugged him, said he was sorry, punched him, then hugged him and gently placed him on the ground. THIS was the absolute perfect way to have an old, old wrestler take a shot. They played this up like Dusty was damn near dead - which was a bit much, but plays into Steph being so cruel. I loved JBL saying that Show made a terrible choice.

They re-replayed the deal. Naomi's giant boobs hopped around for a 6-diva tag. AJ rightly pointed out that she was ganged up on and still managed to come out as champion. Nattie's headset didn't work forever, so King gave her his. Please no. Nattie cried about shit, because AJ ISN'T A TOTAL DIVA, and Brie won with a face buster after stealing a tag from Naomi, so I guess he's a heel maybe. I can't wait to get to the bottom of this headset mystery in November on the E network. Miz, with Bengals gear, talked with Maddox.

WWE bragged about giving free PPV shows to the military. How dare they brag about letting soldiers see NoC for free. Yet another replay of the Dusty punch. They showed Sandow winning his case two months ago, which feels like ages ago given how much the main event scene has changed. Goddamn - ANOTHER Sandow-RVD match. They showed RVD winning via DQ cleanly and then destroying Alberto afterwards. For some reason, he isn't getting a rematch here, while Dolph got a non-title rematch as a reward for...losing cleanly and gets to resume him spot on the mid-card treadmill. They did moves. RVD won with the frog splash, and Sandow's theme was played. Tremendous. RVD tried to hug the special Punk fan, but he wouldn't go for it and just did fist bumps. Sandow proclaimed that he is still Mr. MITB, and Miz gets a match with Orton - he's happy because he gets to lose in his hometown!

They came back and Cole said "Monday night Raw is live tonight. MONDAY NIGHT RAW IS LIVE TONIGHT!" after I guess getting yelled at to be more excited. Then he said the title was held in abeyance, which HHH reiterated. HHH said that Scott was an employee of WWE FOR TWENTY YEARS. So I guess WCW never exited. He fired Scott, then said "he'd take care of him", so I guess they want to five him to prevent him from talking and pay him off in the process. Massive pop for Orton's theme. Miz came out and got a nice pop and met with his parents. He got his giant smile from his mother. Orton beat him up - he'd better be careful or he'll be DQed for kicking too much ass. A Don Jon ad aired hyping up that the plot is about a guy who views love as complicated as it is in porno AND REAL LIFE IS MUCH DIFFERENT. Amazing.

They came back and said Miz's shoulder was banged up BUT HE STILL WANTED TO CONTINUE. So he'll at least come off like a big star losing. Nice welt on Miz's shoulder. One dude yelled YOUUU SUCK over and over to Orton on the floor. Miz took some offense and the show went all weird. Miz's selling broke Raw. Oh, and they got counted out. A fan cheered for an RKO on the floor while Orton kicked his ass near his parents - then Miz got a comeback. If for only one night, Miz is back to being a star. I love that his mother is upset, but his father gives ZERO fucks about this. Draping DDT on the floor. JBL blamed all of this on Bryan due to THE CONSPIRACY causing this beating. Orton teased a Pillmanizing of his head, which got a YES chant. He didn't stomp the chair - but did kneedrop it. Boo! That looked far less awesome.

Punk's win was recapped. Heyman came out with Axel and Ryback - the former wheeled him out. Since Ryback saved him and Axel's lost cost him, I expect Ryback to turn on Axel here. Shame he'll be turned face after they told the story of him as a heel winning the IC Title on father's day to pay homage to his father. Heyman said that he did something that no on in the crowd could say they've done - HE PINNED CM PUNK! Heyman said he had no backup plan, which makes sense because otherwise, why would Heyman allow himself to be beaten up? It also puts more blame on Axel. ONE MAN CHANGED HISTORY LAST NIGHT. ONE MAN STOOD UP WHEN ALL OTHER HEYMAN GUYS SAT DOWN. Heyman thanked THIS BIG BEAUTIFUL MAN. The Big (Paul Heyman) Guy Ryback. Ryback said he couldn't stand bullies - which is why he had to help Paul. Heyman kissed Ryback, then leered at him like Vince did the first time he saw him.

Los Matadores are still coming. They replayed the kiss, and it's time for a wacky random turmoil thing of sorts. You don't have to tag your partner, but you can still win by tagging anyone in and pinning them. So in theory, you can tag your partner in, pin him, and then still team with him to face the Shield, right? Brodus did about the worst press slam...thing into a backbreaker-ish thing to an Uso ever. Over HALF AN HOUR after Dusty took a punch, Cole said that Dusty is in fact awake. Tensai got a brief chance to shine with a super-delayed butterfly suplex to Cesaro - basically doing one of his things against him. I dug that. Cole said that it's an elimination match, which clears things up. Cesaro gets a pin, so it's down to them versus the Usos so this has a prayer of being somewhat good after the break. Why are they doing all of this for a tag title shot with the Shield and NOT involving the matadors they've been hyping up for months?

They came back and chanted that was awesome. We got to see WHAT WAS ON THE APP - THE GIANT SWING! I love the leaping double foot stomp. It's a shame to see the match's primary highlight relegated to the app. JBL and King got chants. Then Cole got one. TREMENDOUS flying springboard clothesline from an Uso. Double Taker dive to the Real Americans on the floor. I'm astonished they didn't just show that during the break. Swagger's haircut is terrible - he looks serious on the sides and silly on the top. Would've been best to just shave it down. Usos won after Swagger did the giant top rope belly to belly, but was down for eons to take a splash and lose. Loved their dancing after the match. Miz's neck isn't broken, but he has a BROKEN THORAX! After medical updates, Cole hyped up the company and Wal-Mart doing reading celebrations! Brodus reading to children is buys. WWE's overall goal is to break a world record for reading. Or help kids. Or break a record and hey, if it helps kids read, great!

A great Bray vid aired about patience. His family is kind - they don't let animals suffer - they just put 'em down. And the roster is all animals - great stuff. Recap of Dusty's beating for the billionth time. Bryan walked backstage and was WISHED LUCK by Brie. Also RVD, who said YES! King said that this was A PUNISHMENT MATCH, which was made to PUNISH. Thanks King! TONS of Yes chants for Bryan here. Orton came down to kill time. Loved Bryan busting out a seated dragon screw legwhip on Reigns. Lots of kicks and leg work from Bryan. Seated figure forearms spot. TITLE HELD IN ABEYANCE! Roman's role in this match is basically to lay down a lot - so he's the wrestling equivalent of the actor who excels at playing a guy in a coma. They did a lot of replays of THE FAST COUNT and normal count from last night. GOOD LORD, THEY'RE REPLAYING THE OPENING SEGMENT to distract from the actual main event. Reigns caught Bryan on the dive...sorta kinda and slammed him into the barricade for an ad break. Cole reiterated that this was A PUNISHMENT MATCH, which sounds stupid. Reigns hit the backbreaker spinout uranage for 2.

Death valley driver-ish Samoan drop from Reigns also got 2. Mounted punches allowed Reigns to boast. He went for a big powerbomb, but it was countered into a sunset flip for 2. Buzzsaw kick got 2. Baseball slide to Rollins on the floor appear to about kill him as he went backwards back of the head-first into the announce table at a billion miles an hour. Bryan got the lookit!lookit!lookit! Yes lock, but Orton got involved for a DQ win. LOOKIT!LOOKIT! was Sabin-levels of awful. Crowd chanted for CM Punk during the 4-on-1 beating. They teased another neck Pillmanizing. The Usos, and a bunch of jobbers. Or rather "THE RANK AND FILE" came out to take out the Shield. They set the table for Bryan, who got the flying knee amid a sea of YESsing guys in the ring. PTPs held Bryan up - so realistically, it would make sense for the PTPs to be tag title contenders NOW instead of having lost last night.

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SD 9-13-13

Generic SD intro...so SD's officially just a nothing show again. The Cutting Edge is back because HHH said it would be good for business. Nice of them to explain that after already saying he'd be back doing it without that reasoning on Raw. They showed Show's stuff from Raw, and some asshole held up a sign asking Randy to RKO his wife. Show read a prepared statement and sounded less wooden than the Miz on commentary. HHH thanked Show for his half-assed apology and teased firing him here on the B show. HHH suspended him without pay, which means he'll have to go back to his bus, assuming he didn't sell it. Shield ganged up on Show, who got up on the announce table to avoid them. That's solid strategy in Day of Reckoning 2. Nice toss to Ambrose off the table, and a spear-ish shoulderblock (really like the old Mid-South spear flying tackle) to Reigns. A KO punch was coming, but Reigns hit a bunch of chairshots to prevent it. Given that Show's over 40, I wouldn't really be doing that many chairshots on this show - save it for Raw or PPV. Triple powerbomb, which unlike on Impact, got a reaction. This was 11 minutes of awesome. Cole interviews Heyman and Axel later - that should be fun.

YAY AJ'S ON COMMENTARY! 6-diva tag...I think the same lineup from Raw. AJ doesn't need an army - she's a one-girl revolution! Moves were done. Zero shits were given for anything outside of AJ, who rightfully pointed out that she sold more shirts than anyone else. Layla's ass got a nice-closeup before AJ got involved and thankfully ended this. Everyone ganged up on the teeny-tiny champion. It's impossible to not like AJ here. Dolph faces Ambrose tonight, and if he wins, he gets a title shot on Sunday. Vickie has a HUGE SURPRISE FOR THE WWE UNIVERSE NEXT!

Dancing With THE SUPERSTARS. Oh yippy. And they all get intros to further kill time. At least it allowed JBL to do WHAT'S UP! Cole pointed out that Fandango only does three dance moves. Miz came out and both looked and acted like an annoying douchebag. He's the Mizco Inferno - which led to JBL burying Gliberti. Loved Miz grabbing a jacket from a fan who just happened to bring a pink sequined coat with him. Truth moves around shockingly well for a 40 year old dude. Fandango's dancing, and particularly the upskirts of Summer Rae it led to, were tremendous. Loved JBL burying Miz and the silly Kimmel twerking video. Miz was a bigger goof here than he was doing the Dirt Sheet. Khali did something resembling movement and JBL said WE DANCE ON FRIDAY NIGHT! Miz won and split his pants. Miz and Truth beat up Fandango. Remember when they were main eventers raging against the corporate machine? Kinda surprised to hear the song they used mention getting your rocks off. Edge looks 25 in the Cutting Edge graphic - thank God he got out of wrestling.

Los Matadores are still coming soon. The Ole song will get them over. And JBL singing it rules. Ryback, the interviewer, and CONCERT PIANIST, interviewed Mixed Martial Archie and his giant teeth. And beat him up. Everything about this ruled. I heart The Big Guy, and fear for his health due to his giant Test-like gut. Vickie talked with Ricardo, she doesn't want him in Arby's corner at the PPV. Or RVD's I bet. And she made Alberto-Ricardo. Why not do that on Raw since it would actually be important given their history? AND WHY NOT BUILD IT UP!? The intellectual savior of the Hershey corporation came down for a match.

I got a Mayweather-Canello ad - they're going all-out on this, and giving you three months of Showtime if you buy it. So you can get that, or get NoC, which will have all of its important events followed up on for free, and some undercard rematches done on TV over the next couple of weeks. We're getting Sandow-Santino. This should be a lot of fun. Santino's silly power walk rules. JBL AND COLE SHOW HAS EDGE AND CHRISTIAN! YAY! A fan held up a bad for business sign for this match - THIS MAN IS WRONG. They pimped his Battlearts academy a lot, so I can definitely see them using that place as a place for folks that aren't quite ready for their own performance center to see what they're made of. Between a comedy gimmick that preserves his body, and a gym WWE can make some use of as a satellite group, Santino should be set for quite a while. Loved JBL saying that PETA should stop the cobra. COBRA FOR THE WIN! I can really see Sandow cashing in at the PPV because he needs some momentum, and the world title does nothing for Alberto. Axel/Heyman interview is next, and Heyman now has cheek fuzz. It looks hideous on him - ages him a decade. Main event interviews have come to SD!

BUT FIRST, Cole wanted to remind Heyman of his own personal history with a fancy video package - complete with narration about the PPV match. Cole exposited about the end of Heyman-Punk being due to the WWE Title loss, instead of it being due to Taker. Heyman's eyes were bloodshot, and his appearance here reminded me of Mick saying he used sandpaper to look worn down for a promo. LOLed at Axel saying that Punk can't beat him. Heyman is now an advocate of peace, and is boycotting the PPV. So if the show bombs, they can just blame the angle working - win/win! Heyman outright said that Axel was losing, but not due to Punk being better - but due to Punk using his own tactics against him. And that on Sunday, Punk will hand him such a beating. Which means it's not happening. Heyman lured Punk into a false sense of security with the stubble, and has a gameplan in mind. Heyman said he loved Punk and always will, but HATED HTE FANS! He was so great here. Cole asked one question in this "interview". Show recap from earlier.  Alberto came out for his goofy match with Ricardo. This feels like such a TV Title-level feud.

RVD came out with Ricardo, whose backstory now involves Alberto taking care of his family FOR DECADES. Or three years. Or 10 years. They showed ADR doing the point, and Ricardo doing a dropkick that missed by 20 miles. Tremendous sell on the basement superkick. Nice tornado DDT from Ricardo. Ricardo took the reverse superplex, and held onto Alberto's body while kicking off the ringpost to help expose the move. Having those pointy flags on the ringpost during a spot where a guy's face is flying right at them is stupid. RVD hit the frog splash, so he's losing at the PPV. Shame too since that's about the perfect title to have him hold right now since he's over. I love the black and white NoC graphics - Orton/Bryan looks great. The video package showed the HHH video from the site that they've never aired on TV. It also had clips from Raw.  Dolph's out to face Ambrose after the break.

GTA V ad rules. I might just rent that on the PS3 at Redbox at midnight to play it ASAP, even with the 360 version pre-ordered. Approximately zero seconds of the Don Jon ad seem fine to air on a PG show. They came back and plugged Haven with Edge. The dialogue on this show seems pretty stilted. Dolph being in the U.S. title hunt makes it seem like his star has really fallen, although realistically, I see Ambrose being a bigger deal than Alberto - so in a way, both belts seem about equal given that one has the built-in prestige of being a world title, while the other is held by a more important act.

JBL joked about Lawler dying due to the repeated elbows. They came back and Cold talked about how NOTHING CHANGED DURING THE BREAK. Stinger splash into corner mount punches. Shield interfered after the fameasser, so I guess the title match is on. Usos came down to make a holla holla six man tag, playa! This break makes for a fine chance to check out the CMLL show. It's got a fairly elaborate intro with fireworks and even dancing! Some massive tits on this chick in a pink outfit. Nice to hear "La Gasolina" this decade. Also, IT'S GOT THE TOUCH! They ran down the turmoil match and did everything but say that the Usos were winning. The UNIQUE RULES for this turmoil are...the same as ever. Love that snap dropkick Ambrose does - it's right out of Firepro Returns. It's 9:40, so thank God this impromptu match was made.Uso splash was countered by Rollins' knees and a cradle for the win. This was fine. Cutting Edge is up next.

Edge came out dressed as Adam Copeland and got a big RAAATTTEEEDD RRR SUUUUUPPPPEERRRSTAARRR intro from Chimel. I like Edge's new Abbey Road spear shirt. A good for business chant broke out. Loved Edge saying HHH lost his balls, and ordering Christian to come back and destroy the goon squad. Cole put over Bryan beating Cena, one of the best of all time, clean for the WWE Title a month ago. Loved Edge owning Orton for getting the amount of world title he's won wrong - 11 and not 10, which is something else given that he won his first one in '06, retired in early '11, and was out for months due to injuries in that timespan. I do love that Edge is already a far better actor than Orton's appeared to be in any film so far. I liked Bryan saying the best things in his life don't involve making money for WWE - instead, he's all about love, passion, and DREAMS. THE WWE TITLE IS HIS DREAM! He's never dreamed of being the face of a corporation - all he's dreamed of since he was a kid, was holding this title. Tremendous. Orton jumped him, but got put in the YES Lock. So they did the same "face challenger leaves heel champ laying" for the world titles - meaning at least one of those things is likely to work as it should in theory to build momentum. Okay interview bit - great when Bryan was talking. I liked the little tag afterwards with Edge plugging Haven and Bryan asking if he could be on it.



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