Monday, September 16, 2013

WWE Raw 9-16-13

The show-opening video made Punk-Heyman seem fairly epic, while Bryan-Orton was relegated to a few seconds. Bryan came out and had new plates on the side - red and gold YES plates. I'd have preferred YES on one side and the dragon on the other, but this is still good. Love the old woman with white hair waving hi ANGRILY in the front row. HHH, the true top face and heel came out because Bryan is holding his title. And also, because there was a fast count. HHH demanded that footage be shown for his regular count, which was done for an Orton cover. They showed the complete finish of the match, so there's basically no reason to buy the replay now. 5 mins. in and they've already given you no reason to buy the replay between the finish of the main event airing and the highlights of the Punk-Heyman deal. Scott said "they got us", so he was sent to the back. HHH held the title up by saying it was in abeyance and said he would not just hand it over to Orton, and there may at some point be a rematch for him in his future. HHH was disappointed that HBK didn't teach Bryan better. So between that and the beard shaving, he's definitely getting involved in this soon. Bryan refused to hand it over, so he got an RKO and HHH got his BELT back. HHH does look good holding the belt. This was good, but didn't seem to set up much beyond a lot of backstage bits.

HHH and Orton bitched, while Steph attempted to screech. JESUS Steph's voice. She's angry because Orton isn't the psychopath who beat her husband and gave her a DDT. She's into some shit, and now wants a NEW FACE OF WWE. They are just burning through months of stuff here. It feels like there are many parts of the story we haven't seen yet. Dolph's facing Ambrose for...some reason after Ambrose beat him clean. JBL referenced the 81-82 Knicks, involving something that happened before I was born. They came back and Cole kept referencing "in abeyance", so "vacated" must be banned. Loved the vile back rack up top from Ambrose - he raked the back super-slowly and made it look great. "I'd rate him about a B+ actor." - Tremendous. I wonder what he'd rank Orton as. Dolph came back with a billion alternating corner mount punches that were Baba-esque. JBL called the elbows the heartstopper and thank Dolph for doing them for getting him a commentary job. Dolph hit the Zig Zag, so he's worked his way back up to a US Title the one he had a night ago. Surprisingly, they showed Dolph's tights being pulled down in the replay. Aww - it was sweet of Dolph to led that special needs fan hold his arm up. They cut to Show to show Maddox telling him that "Miz McMahon" will be here in a moment. That was it.

They came back and had HHH and Steph, with her giant the Big Show appear. She ordered show to SIT DOWN in her office in as gruff a manner as possible. Unless she needs him. They showed a few shots of the Heyman deal, and King called him the Paulrus a lot. Most impressively, they showed Ryback carrying Heyman on his shoulder to the back. Summer Rae came out in a swank black and blue mini-skirt and top, while Fandango's silver and blue trim gear looked awesome. His new style gear is a bit ridiculous, but fits him well. Fandango faces someone, possibly named the Miz, next.

Nope, it's Truth - due to the SD dance contest. So that's the one thing on SD that matters. JBL buried the Mizco Inferno name. A Summer Rae chant got going. JBL is talking about the Mayweather fight a ton here. JBL chant got going. This match is nothing - it feels like a generic CPU vs. CPU one. Flying legdrop won the match - he landed right on his right hip on it. Ouch. They should call that move the hashtag hip surgery. HHH's DVD is hyped up. This is the most amusingly masturbatory DVD trailer ever. And it's got a lot of Al Snow soundbytes. It also ends on a shot of the camera looking up at his crotch with KING on it.

Recap of Orton killing the Rhodes clan recently. Dusty came out. It's kind of amazing that Dusty's doing as well as he is for being nearly 70. A FUCKING NEEDS MORE COWBELL REFERENCE IN 2013! He as VIRGIL RUNNELS cut a great hard times promo about his kids. I love Dusty, but they never need to show his face in closeup again. Dusty is here to hear about the business proposal from STEPHANIE LEVEQUE! I hope she calls Dusty her son of a plumber. Steph handed him a coupon for Bed, Bath, and Beyond. Dusty threw out that 30% off coupon. Steph said that Cody could have his job back, but they could only hire 1 Rhodes, so Goldust would be out of work. Dusty told her to go to hell, so the Shield came out. Steph didn't call him her plumber, but did bring out her giant, the Big Show. Steph said that Dusty's new choice was to be mangled by the Shield or just KOed by Show. YOU DON'T FUCKING TOUCH HIM. Go Show. They brought chairs in, so Show hugged him, said he was sorry, punched him, then hugged him and gently placed him on the ground. THIS was the absolute perfect way to have an old, old wrestler take a shot. They played this up like Dusty was damn near dead - which was a bit much, but plays into Steph being so cruel. I loved JBL saying that Show made a terrible choice.

They re-replayed the deal. Naomi's giant boobs hopped around for a 6-diva tag. AJ rightly pointed out that she was ganged up on and still managed to come out as champion. Nattie's headset didn't work forever, so King gave her his. Please no. Nattie cried about shit, because AJ ISN'T A TOTAL DIVA, and Brie won with a face buster after stealing a tag from Naomi, so I guess he's a heel maybe. I can't wait to get to the bottom of this headset mystery in November on the E network. Miz, with Bengals gear, talked with Maddox.

WWE bragged about giving free PPV shows to the military. How dare they brag about letting soldiers see NoC for free. Yet another replay of the Dusty punch. They showed Sandow winning his case two months ago, which feels like ages ago given how much the main event scene has changed. Goddamn - ANOTHER Sandow-RVD match. They showed RVD winning via DQ cleanly and then destroying Alberto afterwards. For some reason, he isn't getting a rematch here, while Dolph got a non-title rematch as a reward for...losing cleanly and gets to resume him spot on the mid-card treadmill. They did moves. RVD won with the frog splash, and Sandow's theme was played. Tremendous. RVD tried to hug the special Punk fan, but he wouldn't go for it and just did fist bumps. Sandow proclaimed that he is still Mr. MITB, and Miz gets a match with Orton - he's happy because he gets to lose in his hometown!

They came back and Cole said "Monday night Raw is live tonight. MONDAY NIGHT RAW IS LIVE TONIGHT!" after I guess getting yelled at to be more excited. Then he said the title was held in abeyance, which HHH reiterated. HHH said that Scott was an employee of WWE FOR TWENTY YEARS. So I guess WCW never exited. He fired Scott, then said "he'd take care of him", so I guess they want to five him to prevent him from talking and pay him off in the process. Massive pop for Orton's theme. Miz came out and got a nice pop and met with his parents. He got his giant smile from his mother. Orton beat him up - he'd better be careful or he'll be DQed for kicking too much ass. A Don Jon ad aired hyping up that the plot is about a guy who views love as complicated as it is in porno AND REAL LIFE IS MUCH DIFFERENT. Amazing.

They came back and said Miz's shoulder was banged up BUT HE STILL WANTED TO CONTINUE. So he'll at least come off like a big star losing. Nice welt on Miz's shoulder. One dude yelled YOUUU SUCK over and over to Orton on the floor. Miz took some offense and the show went all weird. Miz's selling broke Raw. Oh, and they got counted out. A fan cheered for an RKO on the floor while Orton kicked his ass near his parents - then Miz got a comeback. If for only one night, Miz is back to being a star. I love that his mother is upset, but his father gives ZERO fucks about this. Draping DDT on the floor. JBL blamed all of this on Bryan due to THE CONSPIRACY causing this beating. Orton teased a Pillmanizing of his head, which got a YES chant. He didn't stomp the chair - but did kneedrop it. Boo! That looked far less awesome.

Punk's win was recapped. Heyman came out with Axel and Ryback - the former wheeled him out. Since Ryback saved him and Axel's lost cost him, I expect Ryback to turn on Axel here. Shame he'll be turned face after they told the story of him as a heel winning the IC Title on father's day to pay homage to his father. Heyman said that he did something that no on in the crowd could say they've done - HE PINNED CM PUNK! Heyman said he had no backup plan, which makes sense because otherwise, why would Heyman allow himself to be beaten up? It also puts more blame on Axel. ONE MAN CHANGED HISTORY LAST NIGHT. ONE MAN STOOD UP WHEN ALL OTHER HEYMAN GUYS SAT DOWN. Heyman thanked THIS BIG BEAUTIFUL MAN. The Big (Paul Heyman) Guy Ryback. Ryback said he couldn't stand bullies - which is why he had to help Paul. Heyman kissed Ryback, then leered at him like Vince did the first time he saw him.

Los Matadores are still coming. They replayed the kiss, and it's time for a wacky random turmoil thing of sorts. You don't have to tag your partner, but you can still win by tagging anyone in and pinning them. So in theory, you can tag your partner in, pin him, and then still team with him to face the Shield, right? Brodus did about the worst press slam...thing into a backbreaker-ish thing to an Uso ever. Over HALF AN HOUR after Dusty took a punch, Cole said that Dusty is in fact awake. Tensai got a brief chance to shine with a super-delayed butterfly suplex to Cesaro - basically doing one of his things against him. I dug that. Cole said that it's an elimination match, which clears things up. Cesaro gets a pin, so it's down to them versus the Usos so this has a prayer of being somewhat good after the break. Why are they doing all of this for a tag title shot with the Shield and NOT involving the matadors they've been hyping up for months?

They came back and chanted that was awesome. We got to see WHAT WAS ON THE APP - THE GIANT SWING! I love the leaping double foot stomp. It's a shame to see the match's primary highlight relegated to the app. JBL and King got chants. Then Cole got one. TREMENDOUS flying springboard clothesline from an Uso. Double Taker dive to the Real Americans on the floor. I'm astonished they didn't just show that during the break. Swagger's haircut is terrible - he looks serious on the sides and silly on the top. Would've been best to just shave it down. Usos won after Swagger did the giant top rope belly to belly, but was down for eons to take a splash and lose. Loved their dancing after the match. Miz's neck isn't broken, but he has a BROKEN THORAX! After medical updates, Cole hyped up the company and Wal-Mart doing reading celebrations! Brodus reading to children is buys. WWE's overall goal is to break a world record for reading. Or help kids. Or break a record and hey, if it helps kids read, great!

A great Bray vid aired about patience. His family is kind - they don't let animals suffer - they just put 'em down. And the roster is all animals - great stuff. Recap of Dusty's beating for the billionth time. Bryan walked backstage and was WISHED LUCK by Brie. Also RVD, who said YES! King said that this was A PUNISHMENT MATCH, which was made to PUNISH. Thanks King! TONS of Yes chants for Bryan here. Orton came down to kill time. Loved Bryan busting out a seated dragon screw legwhip on Reigns. Lots of kicks and leg work from Bryan. Seated figure forearms spot. TITLE HELD IN ABEYANCE! Roman's role in this match is basically to lay down a lot - so he's the wrestling equivalent of the actor who excels at playing a guy in a coma. They did a lot of replays of THE FAST COUNT and normal count from last night. GOOD LORD, THEY'RE REPLAYING THE OPENING SEGMENT to distract from the actual main event. Reigns caught Bryan on the dive...sorta kinda and slammed him into the barricade for an ad break. Cole reiterated that this was A PUNISHMENT MATCH, which sounds stupid. Reigns hit the backbreaker spinout uranage for 2.

Death valley driver-ish Samoan drop from Reigns also got 2. Mounted punches allowed Reigns to boast. He went for a big powerbomb, but it was countered into a sunset flip for 2. Buzzsaw kick got 2. Baseball slide to Rollins on the floor appear to about kill him as he went backwards back of the head-first into the announce table at a billion miles an hour. Bryan got the lookit!lookit!lookit! Yes lock, but Orton got involved for a DQ win. LOOKIT!LOOKIT! was Sabin-levels of awful. Crowd chanted for CM Punk during the 4-on-1 beating. They teased another neck Pillmanizing. The Usos, and a bunch of jobbers. Or rather "THE RANK AND FILE" came out to take out the Shield. They set the table for Bryan, who got the flying knee amid a sea of YESsing guys in the ring. PTPs held Bryan up - so realistically, it would make sense for the PTPs to be tag title contenders NOW instead of having lost last night.

Screens -

of haircare


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