Naomi's in a match here, with Nattie at ringside being called "a cast member", because you know, everything's fake. AJ's facing Naomi, and Nattie stole "boy bye!"AJ's inset promo said that she's on a one-woman crusade to destroy the Total Divas cast. Given that she's a tiny woman who WANTS TO FACE HALF A DOZEN PEOPLE, she's a face here. Nattie also made excuses for losing at NoC, resulting in Cole saying all she did was abide by the rules of the match. The rules that WERE AGAINST HER. And Nattie acted like she was entitled to be the champion as a birthright. AJ selling an atomic drop is amusing. AJ turned a flying spinning headscissor into the Black Widow for a CLEAN WIN. Go AJ! THE ROCK is featured in a WWE toy ad, complete with sound bytes for the figure. Rock seems so much less of a star with that. These toy ads are EXACTLY the same as they were 20 years ago.
Santino's return match with Cesaro got a recap video. It was glorious. Zeb said that Swagger would face Santino tonight, and that he has to give Santino a PIZZA of his mind. Billy Gunn and Santino are on the JBL and Cole Show. That'll make it a must-watch. JBL hyped it by saying Road Dogg's catchphrase, then bringing it up by saying it's the one Armstrong who still has a job in WWE. JBL said that Swagger's wife's a supermodel. Didn't bring up her past in porn shockingly enough. Santino won. WM XXX is the 30th anniversary of WM...so they still can't count. Heyman-Punk-Axel match was recapped. Ryback feels like he should be the world champion right now. If it wasn't for that possibly being caused by a Ryback-RVD rematch, I'd be all for it. Axel's out there looking like a star in a suit. Nick Nardone looks like an early-'00s Velocity mid-carder, and he's going to be mangled by Ryback. Ryback said that Paul told him that Nick was BULLYING A CHILD by not signing an autograph, which led to Cole saying no one would want it. Well, that was an odd statement to not edit out of the show. Ryback won quickly - he is back on track and doing far better than I thought he could after last year's disastrous push of him was aborted. I don't see him getting to the WWE Title with this act, but the world title is a must. Orton is walking boringly backstage.
WWE made sure to alert you that they do tons of work with Make A Wish. Orton walked out. Cole announced that Orton and Bryan will have a match at Battleground for the title. He also bragged about that being an ALL NEW EVENT. Like Payback. Or Over the Limit. It could be named literally anything at all right now unless they give it some reason to exist. Orton promised to end the feud at Battleground ONCE AND FOR GOOD! Shield's out for their big, wacky handicap match to kill tons of time. All 3 Shield members will be in the ring at once against one man. Nice of them to explain it now.
D-Young's the first guy out. He got mauled by the spear. Cole brought up that they should've made the other members of the Shield stand on the apron - sound, except it gives them built-in time to rest. Triple powerbomb took him out. This feels like something that doesn't need to exist. YAY DOLPH'S OUT TO BE STUPID! Dolph took a crazy bump for a spear against the barricade and got pinned afterwards. Kofi and his bright banana yellow pants came down. Big kick hit Reigns for 2. His gear is way too busy. Headlock driver beat him. RVD's out. Why don't any of these guys just not come out from the ramp where the Shield expects them to come from? I love him spinning Ambrose's foot into Rollins to get a slight edge. Rolling thunder on Rollins...who has a ton of padding on his chest. HHH came down to shut the match down dude. HHH, who Cole said was stuck in traffic due to...having a meeting at WWE HQ the same day as SD, was pissed. I guess he wasn't following Twitter or watching THE WWE APP to find out what was going on.
HHH was angry about her booking the show like TNA because it would lead to a full-scale revolt 10 guys at a time. HHH talked about making competition. Odd thing to do when they tell you it's fake whenever possible. HHH made Bryan and the Usos vs. The Shield in a best of 9,000 series match tonight. Recap of Dusty's massacre. HHH met with Justin Gabriel and Ryder. HHH said bro. Dude rules all tonight. He's giving them some fair competition tonight.
They get to face the Wyatts. Well, this should feel like a nothing match. JBL said he was glad they had Ryder on their show before this, and Cole buried him for saying their show was the hottest show on Youtube on TV because IT'S ON THE INTERNET! JBL surprisingly didn't say that you can watch Youtube fairly easily on a TV now. Lariat of doom killed Ryder. Bray talked about always keeping his word - which he's done by beating dudes up. Well, at least he does what he says he'll do. Main event 6-man was hyped up with a graphic. This show is dragging on and on. There's just nothing that feels important on it. Thankfully, ROH is on GFL to help kill the boredom.
RVD met with a doctor and was given no lines to say. HHH said he was giving him a rematch at Alberto at the PPV. HHH is one heck of a babyface tonight. Alberto jumped RVD and threw him into stuff. I love the basement superkick - that's a way better finisher than the armbar. Loved JBL throwing his pencil at the notion that HHH and Alberto were in cahoots due to ADR's attack coming after HHH left. JBL singing WHAT'S UP/SHUT UP rules. Cole OH MY GOD at a fat white dude dancing to it was great. JBL wanted to get the song - in record form. JBL is tremendous. Cole pondered why Alberto would attack RVD, his challenger...JBL pointed that out immediately because Cole is a moron. Truth's got new early '90s airbrushed acid-washed white jeans that are looking quite awesome. Cole said Dusty's TMJ, or G, or something was out of place, but they put it back in place. JBL buried him for screwing up letters and asked if Beyonce married TC. Cole responded by calling him CBL. Main event is up next thank God.
BUT FIRST, we've got to find out about Raw being socially active. The Shield, the heels, were in the ring for their second match of the night - or fourth or fifth or whatever you'd count each match in the gauntlet as. Meanwhile, the faces were fresh and rested having not wrestled once tonight. Nice surfboard from Bryan. Great hammerlock from an Uso. Cole is explaining what a kickback is. This is a by-the-numbers six man here. It's not bad, but it's not particularly good. JBL's having fun mocking the idea of a big kickout being preceded by an announcer getting excited. Cole said that the Shield would eventually fall because all champions do - JBL countered with Rocky Marciano and that Mayweather hasn't yet. JBL said they won gold on their first PPV, then corrected himself to say the first shots they had. I could easily see them gaining a lot from at least Ambrose not losing due to a pinfall and instead losing the title via a triple threat or something. JBL put over the Shield fighting earlier and going into battle again here without question. Ambrose ate the corner dropkicks with some gusto. Super rana got 2. Crazy flip dive from Rollins. Crazier double dive from the Usos. Yes Lock to Ambrose, who makes it to the rope. Running knee got the win. That finish has gotten over shockingly quickly given that it came out of nowhere a month ago and now it's already instant death. Battleground is in 2 weeks...Goddamn!
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