Monday, September 23, 2013

WWE Raw 9-23-13

Pre-Raw hype involves HHH addressing things and a fan holding up a CENA VS. POPE sign. That would be pimpin. In 2007. Angelo Savoldi got a very nice little Vince-narrated tribute to start the show. That was a pleasant surprise given that they didn't even do one for Thesz. The regular WWE Universe resumed with a nice recap of last week's attacks on Bryan. THE RANK AND FILE are on the ramp with a podium. According to Justin Roberts, STEPHANIE is now the owner of WWE. I can't wait for RVD to say dude. HHH and Steph are doing some weird almost-comedy act for their intro. They were all brought on stage for one reason...TO HEAR HHH TALK! Or for stepping up. RVD's mic didn't work, and he said C'MON DUDE! RVD said they stood up for Bryan, and HHH said it was odd since people fought to be WWE Champion. Dolph could be in the PPV main event, as could R-TRUTH or Ryder. THEY COULD BE THE FACE OF THE COMPANY. HHH blamed it all on the Shield taking them all out. HHH said he'd give the 10 guys a partner, in a wacky elimination handicap match...kinda like on SD, only I guess he likes this one. Bryan will be their partner. The WWE UNIVERSE gets to choose who faces Orton tonight. It could be Truth, Dolph, or RVD. None of these men is CM Punk, who the crowd is cheering for. They showed Punk bullying Paul at NoC. They're in Chicago so Punk can cut a promo.

Kofi's facing the world champ, in a match announced on the app. So the world champ really must be an important guy. They hyped up THE APP and showed you how to install the app. And we get to see features from the app. So the app is more important than the world title. Some guy with the Big Gold Belt came out. They brought up Kofi working double duty tonight, which really makes the roster seem thin. Nice rana out of a corner spring counter from Kofi. Cole said that HHH has turned on the Shield, who he relied on EARLY on SD. Nice flip dive from Kofi. Crowd gives no shits about this.  Kofi did his fakeout, which Alberto telegraphed a bit by diving INTO THE TIMEKEEPER'S PIT before Kofi's head even hit the rope. CBS is hyping up THE MOTHER OF ALL MONDAYS. None of these shows seem the least bit entertaining. 2 Broke Girls might be worth getting when Mill Creek releases it in budget sets due to Kat's boobs. ON THE APP, Alberto attacked the arm. A Randy Savage chant broke out. A Colt Cabana one did too. Cole said that the last time the WWE Title was held up was due to MITB in Chicago. OLE song was sung. They did stuff. Kofi hit Y and did his comeback. SOS got 2. Kick was countered into a big German suplex for 2. JBL hyped up the armbar as one of the best finishers in the sport. Yup. MMA. It got countered into a bulldog-ish thing called a DDT. Codebreaker on the arm and the armbar got the win. Alberto was a massive face here. They pondered how Kofi would be, then said he'd be completely fine since there are 10 other dudes out there. So they really took the wind out of the point of this. No one over the age of 14 is sharing their U CAN'T C ME rides with their friends.

They came back and Renee interviewed Miz, who is in a checkered-top grey suit. Renee made sure to roll footage of Miz being attacked. Miz should be quite mad at his dad. HHH got in the scene before Miz could talk - probably for the best. According to HHH, CHICAGO WANTS ITS MIZ TV! That might've turned him heel. Miz TV will happen with Show, and they showed the HHH-Rhodes deal. They showed a graphic for the handicap match, and somehow acted like it was unfair for the faces despite them having a major numbers edge. Super King, who faced mummies and confronted Batman on TV, is calling the Wyatts weird. PTPs got a jobber intro. JOHN CENA'S FAST LANE is trending worldwide. I call bullshit on the Fast Lane app trending. I demand a D-Bryan app where he shops for produce at a farmer's market. Fans chanted for Bryan. Harper's bald spot is amazing. Crowd is chanting WE WANT DRAGON/DANIEL BRYAN. JBL called his an old-fashioned Chicago mugging. That must be a codeword for boring. Titus went for the YOU THINK YOU FUCKIN TOUGH fallaway, but was prevented from doing it and fell to Harper's lariat. Abigail's kiss and dance took out D-Young. They cut Cole off mid-sentence to hype up THE APP choice against Orton.

Miz is out to kill the 9 PM rating. He said he'd normally be smiling, but HE'S PISSED OFF. And he's got a scowl like a kid making a serious face. PAYBACK WILL COME AND IT WILL BE AWESOME. But not at the PPV named Payback. They showed Show's KO punch again and again and JBL said it was the American Dream going to sleep. Miz clumsily said that he and Show were both partners and enemies. Miz asked why Show did what he did. Yes Miz, anger the large giant man with pent up rage. There's no way this could work out poorly for you. Then he just explained why Show did why did he ask the question? Miz told Show to STAND UP and stop letting that castrating WITCH run things. Ruler of the queendom came out. Steph said that she'd let what Miz said slide, but that what he said was BORDERLINE SLANDER! Steph said that Miz peaked early, and that he was only kept around because he'll do any grunt work they ask - then they buried all grocery stores and lower-end stores that they have stars go to. Steph told Show to KO him, he did, and got YESed for it. Well, Miz did hog the interview and not let Show answer his one question. CBS ad for Hostages peaks with a woman showering.

Show's KO was replayed. Orton-Random Man is next. Tonight's app choice is the historic SECOND-MOST VOTED ON CHOICE YET. King called Orton the WWE Champion, and RVD won the vote. RVD came out and they showed a fan dressed like Crockett and in a Sin Cara mask. GO SIN CROCKETT! They did some stuff. Went to a break. RVD did a back suplex to him on the app. Draping DDT. Sadly, no crazy DDT sell from RVD. RVD got a kick and went for a five star, but Orton got up - shame too. I was hoping they'd do an RKO out of the five star ala the Bourne SSP. RVD gets tossed into the barricade. Double count out. Wow this sucked. Orton shoved him into the steps and then kicked the ass of the NUMBER 1 CONTENDER TO THE WORLD TITLE like he was nothing. More ass-kicking. More. More. This needs to end. This is like when Sting kicked RVD's ass for nine hours on Impact when he debuted. Draping DDT from...slightly higher than usual! Dear God, the show's only halfway over.

They killed time with a Los Matadores promo. They debut next week. Thank God. ON THE APP, Alberto attacked RVD. Orton talked to the Bellas, and Brie said that she was too busy not caring to notice what he did. They had a narrated clip of HHH's DVD out of absolutely nowhere with a strange echo over hte footage. Steph met with AJ and gave her a copy of the DVD - and not the Blu Ray. BURN! Between Battleground's poster with Ryback and the Call, WWE loves them some red backdrops. Steph threatened to take the title from AJ. Summer Rae's dress is a blinding shade of pink. And WWE is hyping up their second year of the Komen deal.

They hyped up Dominos Pizza, and Cole ordered King to buy one.  Fandango's facing Santino. Orton might not be 100% - he kicked too much ass. A Summer Rae chant broke out. The crowd sang Fandango's theme. Cole referenced TONY GAREA during an abdominal stretch. Air Fandnago legdrop got the win. Kofi tweeted he'd be in the match. Goody. The Ryback-Punk stuff was focused on because Punk is next. Show is 2/3 over. Excellent ad for Beyond: Two Souls. Can't believe it's only 2 weeks away.

Punk came out and got a huge pop in a Blackhawks jersey. They announced Ryback-Punk ON THE APP apparently, and showed a great graphic for it - the Battleground graphic setup is nice. His right knee is so fucked that he's got it taped up to walk out. Punk said that the fans ruined a perfectly good bad mood because he hasn't smiled since NoC. Punk pointed to someone, likely Colt, and said he tried to get the Stanley Cup tonight but it's in Toronto. Punk teased retirement. Punk thankfully called them a wrestling crowd and not a WWE Universe City. Loved the Grey's Sports Almanac reference. He then recapped hockey, because why not.  They've got tons and tons and tons of time to kill here. Punk said he's proud of these goddamn people, and that he may be down 3 games, but he'll come back! Heyman came out and sang "Start Spreading the News" on a scooter. And his mic died. Punk said that he'd have 18,000 to bail him out if need be. If he was in TNA, he wouldn't even be able to afford the free phone call.

Heyman damned Punk for CONFINING HIM TO A CONTRAPTION! Heyman said Punk was a second-city saint in a second-rate city, and that he was the second-best in the world. Heyman looked back on his photo of a pinfall over Punk with glee. They chanted walrus, and he said he is one - BUT HE BEAT THE BIGGEST SHARK IN CHICAGO. Punk asked if his goons could get to Heyman faster than he could. Given that his knees are all fucked, I'll say yes. Heyman said he would bit the city a FAIR ADEU, and then tried to escape before his scooter's battery died and Ryback and Axel saved him. Punk demolished Axel, then dove onto Ryback off the ramp and landed on his bad knee. Cro Cop kick took out Axel. Ryback attacked him because HE DOESN'T LIKE BULLIES. He tossed him through a table off a box on the stage. Heyman got up and a fan yelled IT'S A MIRACLE while Ryback said "this is what happens TO BULLIES!". This got great. It was really more like 10 minutes of great stuff spread over 20.

Tons of Losses were out for a match. BUT FIRST, a recap of the Punk deal. Actually, it's the Funkadactyls. Punk's refusing help, and it's an 8-diva tag. Bellas have Eva Marie with them. It's somehow an 8-diva match despite seemingly being a 10-diva tag unless Nikki isn't cleared. They finally had King said he mis-spoke saying that Orton was champ. Brie pinned AJ. So I guess the Bellas are buds with their enemies due to being on the show...where they're enemies. They showed a 30 second clip of RKOs from Youtube. Shield promo was good-ish, but Rollins wasn't very good. Orton's loss from NoC was shown. Then they recapped last week's stuff.

Main event is up at 10:30. Bryan got a full intro. If they give everyone intros, that'll kill tons of TV time. Nope. He's out to cut a promo. HUGE Daniel Bryan chant. Loved Bryan saying that the fast count accusations made no sense because Orton was knocked out...and didn't like him saying he didn't care about what happened at NoC. Bryan turned their nicknames of him against them, and that when the match is over, YES will haunt his days. Shield came out. So they should just kick his ass before the partners come out, which Cole brought up. Cody and Goldust, IN PAINT came down from the crowd and attacked. Goldust had blue jeans, a black hoodie, and BRIGHT SHINY GOLD PAINT ON HIS FACE. Maybe the security goons were too busy installing and watching THE WWE APP to notice.

On SD, Dolph faces Ambrose for the US Title. Cole said that Cody was fired and Goldust doesn't work there anymore...isn't that basically the same thing? All of that stuff ate up 11 minutes before this match could begin. They did stuff, then went to a break after RVD, THE NUMBER 1 CONTENDER TO THE WORLD TITLE was the first guy out in a match with Ryder and Kofi in it. Total nothing vibe from this, in part because THEY ALREADY DID THIS MATCH ON SD in some form. King put over THE KING OF KINGS, THE CEREBRAL ASSASSIN outsmarting everyone. Headlock driver took out Kofi. So far, the Shield is doing a fine job of taking out the much larger roster of opponents. Spear took out Titus with no trouble. Gabriel ate one even faster. Ryder got the double knees and Broski boot tease before eating the spear. Reigns is coming off like a badass motherfucker here. Bryan and the Usos ganged up on Reigns and he lost via an Uso dive. I'm shocked the chest guard didn't save him there. Cole said the match was made by HHH - THE VERY SAME case you thought there were two, since he alternates between face and heel depending on the segment.

Northern lights from D-Young got 2. Flying knee from Rollins got 3. Dolph beat Ambrose, so he's retaining on SD. Now it's Rollins, the smallest member of the Shield, against four guys. VINTAGE AMERICAN MALES CLAP from Bryan and the Usos. Hat Rack Crack got 2. Rollins then pinned Truth with the flying curb stomp, because no faces felt like saving their friend. What assholes. The babyfaces surrounded Rollins...lowering themselves to the level of their enemies. Be stars, guys! Usos took out the Shield guys that ran back. Flying knee with a flip sell got the win for Bryan. I love seeing Bryan win, but this was really stupid.

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