Thursday, September 5, 2013

TNA Impact 9-5-13

Mickie is doing the pre-show ad - the world is buzzing about the VMAs, but they SHOULD be talking about the MJAs. Tremendous. Cops features a meth addict who's been using it since he was EIGHT YEARS OLD. The rundown videos going on during the credits kinda sucks now that it's a regular thing. Hogan's announcement was trimmed down to the gauntlet match and didn't even cover the Sting deal at all. Everyone cut 10 second promos. KAZMANIA'S RUNNING WILD...I think EGO's done, and holy God is Hernandez a terrible promo. Oh, and Jay Bradley's being paid by the Aces to take out Magnus. They're muting asses now, but thankfully not preventing Brooke from showing hers off in Daisy dukes. Bully said HE WOULD BE NOTHING WITHOUT HIS CLUB. Yup. His life would suck without Knux, Bischo, and Wes. I loved Bully saying that Tito's the second-biggest stud in the club...behind him. Oh, and Sabin's facing Knux - so Sabin's sorta-push continues. Goddamn. Tito appears to have the acting ability of a kid you'd cast as a tree in a sixth grade play. Dude seems nervous even responding without a mic to anything.

Sabin came out and seemed to me like a perfect candidate for the TV Title...if it was around, or ever meant anything.  If you have no girlfriend and have never heard of pornography, you can spend $100 on KO stuff in a bundle. They plugged Dixie's twitter and the TNA Podcast. EVEN HOWARD STERN'S BEEN TALKING ABOUT IT...which makes it seem like his star has fallen more than it makes TNA seem like a big deal. Taz said that Bully's gotta face Sting later and doesn't even care, which really makes that seem like a nothing match. Given TNA's lack of quality control, I'm amazed they changed the tron to say that NS was next week. Knux needs better-fitting jeans - his are always falling down. Sabin's offense was all knee-focused, leading Taz to say that no one knows how to injure knees like Sabin. Bully passed a hammer in, but Sabin made him drop it and the ref, who I guess has never seen one, asked WHAT IS THAT!? It reminded me of DW asking WHAT IS THIS when Pacman Jones held up a strangely spray paint can-shaped object that was shooting paint and this concept baffled him. Sabin got it and bonked Knux with it after they all did a goofy dive.

Impact was the #1 show in Germany last week. So TNA is now David Hasselhoff. Sabin and Velvet had a badly-acted argument. I want both Sabin and Velvet to shut the fuck up right now. They are loud and annoying. LISTEN LISTEN, IT'S OKAY. OKAY OKAY! OKAY! OKAY! Sabin then said "THIS IS CRAP" - indeed. Mickie then cut a five billion star promo about herself, the VMAs, having an MJA award and putting it in the corner, being buds with Miley, twerking, and how Miley should've called her for help. Then ODB acted like a bitch and attacked the champion and stripped off her shirt - which then revealed a giant sports bra. This wasn't as revealing as it should've been given the story they were telling. JB asked Bradly and Hernandez what they had to gain since they were eliminated. Bradley said he's a hired gun, and told Hernandez to be the same. "The Family" featuring "Clint Eastwood" makes me feel old - that song was awesome in high school.

During the ad, Knux cut a hilarious promo with an icepack in one hand and a nasty sandwich in the other - with tons of stuff all over his beard that he called dessert. This was disgusting, but hilarious. They showed clips of Taryn-Gail from Slammiversary to hype up the KO PPV...which will likely not have anything that awesome on it. Christy's cleavage announced the participants in the Bound For Gauntlet match. Bradley and Hernandez are the first two guys out - and Bradley's hyping up the deal to both kill time and avoid getting his ass kicked. Didn't work for too long though - Hernandez wanted no part and just beat his ass. Park came down and EY plugged his show on his shirt. I love that he's found a great gig outside of wrestling due to wrestling that allows him to at least have some kind of career after wrestling while still being in the business and not having to work matches. Anderson came in...and ACTUALLY JUMPED OVER THE ROPES. Holy shit - he actually looks motivated here.

Joe's manboobs jiggled down during the ad break. AJ's goddamned emo theme hit...and he didn't do either his face or tweener bit. That theme fit the emo entrance, but doesn't fit face AJ at all. Taz said that Anderson was being ganged up on unfairly - well, that's valid. Joe hit the machine gun chops on Anderson in the corner...and didn't remove his shirt for whatever reason. Giant kick to the top from Joe took out Anderson - the second guy out after Park. Anderson's head smashed into the guardrail really hard. Daniels came out and begged Hernandez to not kill him - Hernandez didn't, and instead looked lost until Daniels kicked him in the gut. The crowd chanted appletini, resulting in Daniels saying he doesn't need their help. Bad Influence eliminated Hernandez before Hardy, who is thankfully not under the influence of anything right now, came down. AJ eliminated Bradley, who tried to eliminate him - so apparently that's the guy he was sent after. Aries attacked EGO. Roode eliminated Hardy, who was just a dude in this. Jay Bradley of all people was a bigger deal in it. Kaz was sent over and onto the ramp - so that counts as an elimination despite them saying before your feet had to touch the floor. Bunch of dudes got tossed, leaving AJ and Daniels - fitting since they're long-term TNA guys and as they said last week, the Daniels deal with AJ a year or so ago is where things started with AJ's downfall. Or him being booked as the New Nature Boy. That didn't help much either. AJ did it - so he goes to the final four next week. Oh and he gets to face his opponent for next week's show too. Bully said that the word disappointment has Anderson next to it. Bully is mad at Anderson for losing...a match that would likely result in him facing Bully...Bully said that if he'd tear Devon's name off the cuts, imagine what he'd do to Anderson.

AJ looks like a rough 40 year old with this backstage lighting. Now, at nearly 10:20, they showed why Sting was facing Bully by showing the deal with Hogan last week. Rampage was confused about Sting not getting a title shot anymore. Sting says the loss of title shots was good since it led to him getting a family of KILLERS! KILLERS! Rampage looks so happy just being on-screen with Sting. Gun Storm, who are still the tag champs despite not having defended them in months. Wes and Bisch attacked them. Taz called them the young guns. I think they're each 30. Oh, this is a match - I thought it was just going to be a brawl. Taz let Tenay know that Wes and Garett are SHOOT FRIENDS...and they ride together on their bikes. Loved Tenay counting seconds when Taz said they had five seconds to cheat. They did moves, and Garett used a chain to win after the ref was distracted with Wes bringing a belt into the ring. AJ comes out next to announce his opponent for next week. His choices came out during the break.

They hyped up NS with a nice video package. Now AJ's got his face theme, but has a cap and his tanktop on...still looking like a goober. Sadly, instead of using wacky dramatic game show music for the decision, they had AJ talk. He'll face Aries because Aries beat him in the series. Aries promised that there'd be a winner in their match next week - the fans. And the other match is Magnus-Roode. Roode is yammering on at Magnus in a battle of designer beards. Magnus said that Roode only beat him due to an appletini, which I completely forgot. I dig them giving each match a logical reason to happen. Magnus said that he'd win and go on to be the world champ for the first time. He should really be at the TV Title level right now...again if that title was around and meant anything. They really want to keep Sting-Bully short.

They hyped up the BFG Series final 4 and finals next week, while showing a graphic of Bully being all mean with a hilariously 'MERICA FUCK YEAH background. At 10:42, Bully STARTED to come out. A fan waved a dollar, a lot, at Brooke. Tenay teased a face turn for Anderson, which really is coming out of nowhere - it's like they're trying to run through months of angles in a few weeks. At 10:45, JB STARTED his intros. They showed a fan in an NWA shirt - so at least one person paid $25 for them in 2013. Bully grabbed the mic and yelled that it's a non-title match to cover up for Hulk forgetting things last week. THEN Hogan came out after Bully insulted him to kill even more time. Tito Ortiz got kicked out by Hulk Hogan. Boy is that ever a sentence I never thought I'd type. This killed EVEN MORE TIME, and then Hogan made it a no DQ match. At 10:48, the match FINALLY began. Chair to the back was just a transitional spot before an ad break.

Another one brought it back from the break. Then another one. Big splash from Bully after a low blow. The Hogan Halloween costume fan took a photo of Bully with the chair. Taz slipped Bully an exacto knife to slice up the ring again. Gotta say - that was really memorable. Piledriver is countered into the deathlock before the non-Tito Aces came down. Hogan probably should've been more specific with his ban. Aces came down and Rampage tossed Knux out and shockingly did a double axe handle off the apron to the floor. Bellator's future partially relies on him thanks to that PPV, so I'm surprised they aren't banning him from doing anything dangerous. Death drop was countered and Sting's head bonked the exposed wood like it did the chair years ago. Deathlock's on again, and Anderson dropped the hammer, so Bully tapped. Anderson yelled at how Bully couldn't do it on his own then grabbed his belt before turning his DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM BIT against him - HE'S THE GUY WHO WILL FACE BULLY NEXT WEEK FOR THE TITLE. Excellent way to turn his catchphrase against him and bring back the ANDERSON ANDERSON bit. Brooke was horrified by him yelling like an annoying douche near him. I'd forgotten how annoying he was as a face.

Screens -


No comments:

Post a Comment