Thursday, September 19, 2013

TNA Impact 9-19-13

ODB and EY were great in the pre-show promo. A terribly-edited version of AJ's "shoot" promo aired, and to further the vibe that Spike is stuck in '05, they've got a show coming up with Criss Angel. EGO jumped Magnus, who was cutting a promo as it if was shot last week. Dudes yelled. Bully-Anderson was recapped. TONIGHT, AJ STYLES CALLS OUT DIXIE CARTER! Who closed out the recap video with a slow motion shot of her waving. Magnus called out EGO for attacking him before, and said "Three individuals decided to insert themselves in...that match!" That could've ended quite a bit differently. Sting and Joe saved him from a beatdown. Sting's MEM shirt fits him far better than his regular one, which makes him look a bit younger, or at least a big less haggard. AJ promised to point out more of Dixie's mistakes tonight. So I guess that'll be taking up the rest of the show. Oh, and Hardy faces Manik - which they should've at least confirmed last week. Velvet's boobs look gigantic in this blue dress, and I like Sabin being a cocky asshole who is taking credit for Manik's success and the X division being his to rule for a decade.

Hardy's intro took up the time before and after the break. Manik's tron at least has his name on it now. Xercontinental Title still isn't doing much for me. Taz said Sabin was dressed like a stumble-bum. They started the match exchanging wacky spots ala the old Cruiserweight Moves spots in the SD games. Nice draping missile dropkick from Manik to Hardy as he was draped over the second rope. Whisper in the Wind got 2 after Manik rolled towards him. Manik got 2 off a cradle. Manik's corner neckbreaker was avoided, let to a Twist and Swanton for the win. Tenay annoyed me by saying it was a great start to "the in-ring portion of Impact". Sabin raised the hand of the loser, then kicked his ass because he's a loser. Then Sabin roared like a lion. This ruled! Dixie borringly said there was a lot goin on.

Sabin said he attacked Manik for being disrespectful towards a 6-time X champ, former tag champ, and World champ. Sabin...triple crown champ. Seems odd. Mickie-ODB is up next. Taz commented on ODB's hands being gigantic, while Mickie, the savior of the division, came down. ODB and Mickie met in a boob-to-boob meeting. Loved Mickie doing the double-leg over the rope choke in a new way by locking her feet in the bottom rope and taunting. Mickie begged for a timeout, then went for a VINTAGE FINLAY move trapping ODB in the apron to hit her a lot. They came back from a break and Mickie went for quick covers. Corner rana was countered into a powerbomb that Tenay said was powerbomb-esque. ODB stomped around before a corner avalanche, but kicked her in the corner, then in the ring. Taz said her yell and leopard-print gear made her a crazy animal woman.ODB countered the corner DDT into the BAM to win the title. EY and Joseph Park, drinking chocolate milk, came down to celebrate. The BroMans need to just use Robbie E's theme, because this theme is super-generic. Robbie feigned vomiting in a hilarious way looking at ODB, which insulted Joseph Park to no end by golly! He would fight him, but he's in a suit. EY isn't, so IT'S FIGHTIN TIME! Robbie missed a blind charge and won with a cradle. Robbie called him a fat bastard, which led to him taking his glasses off and showing off his giant Abyss tattoo on his wrist. For some reason, this deal gets the entire break and the mid-break cut-in too.

This also ended with a blind charge>cradle...Wow. So the buildup officially took a billion times longer than the match. BroMans beat them up afterwards. Park is RED SHARPIE-ING UP! A fan bragged to his friend Kyle in sign form that he made it to Impact. Aim higher with goals in life, dude. NS recap with Bully and Anderson was pretty good. Bully sez words after the break - so at the top of the hour. AJ-Magnus recap vid was pretty good. Hogan met with Dixie, who was busy texting. Hogan really earned his $30,000 there. Brooke's out with Bully in assless chaps and being pulled around with a chain. Okay, that last part is a bit much, but this outfit is amazing. Goddamn this group looks like a bunch of goobers right now. Bully thanked Brooke and not the Aces for him retaining last week. It's going to be fun watching this group fall apart. Wes and Bisch said that Brooke's the reason for things being screwed up. They're spending too much time on the Aces and not enough on Brooke's ass. Knux bowed up to Bully as well. He got a decent pop for saying maybe he could face him at some point. Knux said that it was Bros before Hos, so he's not only out of date, but adding to the homoerotic nature of this group. They're doing Ho chants with the YES hand gesture.

Hernandez and Chavo's generic theme came down. Chavo said the doc wouldn't clear him, so he can't kick ass tonight. It'll be Gunner-Hernandez. Tenay used his modern-day viking one for Gunner, leading to Taz calling Tenay a modern-day Barbarian. Hernandez did his spots. One-arm train wreck. Splash got countered. Get Off Me pounce hit and led to Air Mexico from the ramp. SLINGSHOT SUPLEX from Gunner. That looked difficult. Tenay can't wait for AJ-Dixie later - because talking is more important than wrestling on a wrestling show. Fallaway slam barely connected for Gunner - that looked like a big time struggle. Irish Curse backbreaker got the win. This was a fascinating match due to the dead-weighting going on. They're trying to get over MDV for Gunner - because Modern-Day Viking isn't stupid enough. AJ is SO ANGRY at Dixie that he's wearing the merch her company made for him.

Daniels has found a way to look like even more of a douche! SHADEGOGGLES! Also, the so-called main event is starting at 10:25. MEM came out, but Sting forgot his bat so he...just left and got it and they didn't both reshooting the intro. Shockingly, Joe and Daniels were great starting this match off. Sting came in and had a lot of fire for his offense - including a dropkick. For a 55 year old guy, it is surprising to see him bust that out.Tenay hyped up Bellator tomorrow night, which I would watch if it started at 10 PM and not at 9 PM against SD. Sting got beat down and I loved Kaz doing the big Sting yell. Mag Driver got 2. Bad Influence got double clotheslined by Sting. Roode hit a nice DDT on Sting. Snapmare>flying elbow got 2. Then a bunch of shit happened as Sting got the Scorpion Deathlock, but Magnus ate a bat shot for him and got beat...even though Sting was legal. I think.

At 10:50, AJ came out for his promo. You could tell he was serious because he didn't do his full intro. AJ talking about how the company's president has no experience and how the company's best days are behind them. I liked him mentioning Shelley and Lethal - odd to mention Petey since he's, ya know, been there within the past few months. AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO'S NOT PISSED OFF ABOUT THIS!? Astonished they didn't edit this a bit. AJ'S GONNA WIN DAT WORLD TITLE FOR DA BAND OF BROTHERS! And he'll make Dixie beg and make her pay when he wins it cuz THA INTERNET IS WRONG - HE DON'T HAVE A CONTRACT. Dixie wore her finest summer blue tablecloth for this event. Dixie came out and said she's sorry for EVER ALLOWING AJ TO THINK HE WAS IMPORTANT. Tremendous turn there. And then she said he's not phenomenal because he's not who he used to be - she can't recall the last great match he had. The house that AJ built was really built by her and he's lucky to have been allowed to play in it! That was...not bad, but not great either.

Screens -

See No Evil


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