Monday, September 30, 2013

Raw 9-30-13

Punk came out and they started out with Cole shilling Komen and how they're going to raise awareness about breast cancer. Who on Earth isn't aware of it? Punk/Ryback from last week was recapped with some video freezing. Punk came out and talked about how unpredictable he is and how things being predictable can be good - when he gets his hand on Axel and Ryback. The story ends when he gets his hands on Heyman. Punk said the story could end at the PPV, next week on Raw, or even TONIGHT ON THE USA NETWORK! Maddox was mocked for not having a song, and is wearing a purple shirt, black vest, and bright blue pants. This monotony ended when Big E came out to no reaction because he doesn't anything in a month. Big E is the new GET ME _____ guy. Good role for him. Match between them is up.

Big E dominated ON THE APP. Punk got out of a half crab, which gave him a brief opening before Big E destroyed him again. Punk got the big elbow, which he should really stop doing if he wants to avoid killing his knees. GTS got the win. That wasn't bad, but wasn't very exciting either. Cole blatantly said this match was done to show that Punk can do the GTS to a guy about Ryback's size. Tremendous sell on the GTS by Big E though - going to his knees, then slowly falling into Punk. The men who go for the title that is IN ABEYANCE talk later. The Rhodes/Levesque summit is later.

SD was the most socially active show on TV's deadest night. JBL said Fandango was like a male Shakira. WWE is donating 20% of the cancer merch to Komen, so lord only knows what that breakdown means for actual cancer research. Fandango is somehow like not only Shakira, but also a mix of Randy Couture and Usher! Kofi's finisher got a 30 second highlight vid - at least they're pushing SOMEONE from Youtube on the main show. Nice corner jump up ala Booker T, but into a rana instead of a sunset flip. They rhymed tango, Fandango, and Papa Shango. Fandango did a suplex with an Eddie-like hip swivel. Like two dudes chanted Summer Rae, JBL, and King. Kofi hit his video game comeback. Trouble in Paradise came within about two feet of Fandango's head to win - well, that finisher was telegraphed with the highlight video, and I'm glad it missed given that a concussion ruined Fandango's career. Wyatts came down to kill Kofi. Or just to say stuff ominously. That was a good promo, but disappointing bit.

Dolph kicked to the pre-show in a match with no build. Poor fucker. HAH, and the event song even says "how the mighty fall". Orton talked about Brie and Bryan getting married. Orton's the lead heel and even he has anti-cancer merch. Renee talked with Heyman, who said that Punk will never intimidate or bully him again because he's a nobody. One who became WWE Champion thanks to him! Renee's face here ruled. Los Matadores video aired. They're coming next! FERNANDO AND DIEGO -LOS MATADORES! El Mantauro debuted as their sidekick. This is absolutely ridiculous for a regular entrance, but is...memorable I suppose. I will buy their theme. So they will have drawn at least $1. JBL said something looked familiar about this, and Cole asked if it was the bull. Boring chant broke out and they talked about Puerto Rican bull fighters. LOVE the flying flip headbutt. Double falling Angle slam won. Bull is named El Torito and JBL sang their theme.

WWE WILL HELP END BREAST CANCER! Goofy anti-cancer PSA featured the PLEASE WELCOME THE OWNER OF, AND COO OF WWE, STEPHANIE AND HHH! According to Cole, MANY HAVE BEEN REFERRING TO HHH AND STEPHANIE AS THE AUTHORITY. No, no one has ever called them that. Ever. Get the Shovels sign made air. Cole's "Choose which one of your jobs gets your son back." was amusing. Goldust is in a white and grey suit with his paint. Cody and Dusty look solid. Loved HHH burying the territories since you know he loves them and is just reciting Vince's stuff mockingly. Dusty is a unique shade of orange tonight. Steph said they'd love to give the Rhodes' a job IF they can beat the tag champs at Battleground. If the Rhodes' lose, then they're gone FOR GOOD! And Dusty gets fired too. MASSIVE pop for Dusty getting the mic. The Rhodes family hates the Mcmahons, but is wearing anti-cancer ribbons too. The Shield jumped them all, and Dusty got to be physical by rolling in the ring and getting hit then. This was pretty good stuff - easily the best part of the show as far as being genuinely good. Great Captain America Believes in the Shield sign.

Outstanding Punk-Ryback vid without any logos on the footage hyped up that match. Truth rapped with headphones, which Cole questioned while JBL said it's what "we rappers do". JBL rules. Axel's out to destroy him. Cole shilled Modern Family on USA since it's being replayed there. Crowd gives no shits about this. Axel took the greatest bump for the suplex stunner ever. Axel's elbow pad has the ribbon on it, and Axel lost after Punk's theme hit and Truth got Paydirt for the win. So logically, he should be getting a title match at the PPV. According to WWE on Facebook, Trish gave birth earlier today. Kudos to her.

Awesome ad for Punk's shirts, which was already updated to tonight's show since it had his shirt and the Mute>Cole sign. and they showed's piece on Trish's baby being born. JBL said with a name like Maximus, the boy'd better learn to fight. They hyped up the Brie-Bryan engagement with Total Divas clips. They aired these to the silliest song ever. AJ faces Brie at the PPV for the title. Cole called Alicia AJ. Lots of fuck-ups like that tonight. This show feels like a second taping Impact show. Crowd doesn't care a lick about this. Alicia's camo booty shorts rule. Brie won with the X factor. They showed a great BriE ModE sign with the E logo. Cena's stupid racing game app was hyped.

Axel clutched his title and Heyman yelled at CURTIS for being paranoid. Ryback's got a new anti-cancer shirt. Axel is about as bad an actor as Wes Brisco. Paul's man-crush on Ryback is amazing. He now wants to propose to him. This act rules. Just For Men presented a recap of Big Show punching Miz out. Renee asked Show the EXACT same question she did on SD. HHH mocking him there was shown. Show cited his situation being like having Damocles's sword over his head. #bigsophie Show said HE'S NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE! And then he got all crazy movie monster mode and made crazy faces before lurching off with his fist cocked like a movie monster. THIS RULED!

Truth demanded a shot from Maddox before Show came in and threatened Brad. Ryder had crazy orange and black gear that looked way better than his usual garbage. WHY IN GOD'S NAME ARE THEY SHOWING THE AGES FOR ALBERTO AND RVD in the Battleground graphic? Given that RVD actually looks way younger than his age, there's no benefit to it and Alberto seems like too new an act to only be seven years younger than him. They talked about the WHC match being a hardcore match, and JBL said that Alberto won it in an LMS match that was pretty hardcore. True - that match was probably crazier than this match will be. Broski Boot hit. Rough Ryder countered. So Ryder did exactly as well here as he does in every other TV match. Armbar got the win. Alberto played with his little flags, then kicked the fuck out of Ryder's head. Heyman proposes to Ryback next.

HHH summit was recapped. WWE thanked themselves for being amazing, and gave "breast cancer survivors and supporters" a few seconds of airtime. Heyman's promo about destroying Punk in front of his fans, friends, and those he calls his family that week ruled. Heyman showered praise on Ryback, THE BIG BAD BEAUTIFUL MAN OF WHOM HE SPEAKS! It pained Ryback to see Paul bullied. There's NOTHING he wouldn't do for Paul. This fakeout is so great.The crowd dared to chant "get a room." Heyman proposed that he become a Heyman Guy, which Punk rudely interrupted. He "slipped" over the barricade. Cue the "IT'S A TRAP" GIF. Punk's in a new SGK shirt. SHOCKINGLY, it was a trap and he beat them up (and Axel) with a kendo stick. Aim for the guy WITHOUT a giant shirt and vest on, dipshit. He did, and Axel ate a hell of a beating here. Heyman hiding behind Ryback and part of the lights rules. I hope Ryback wins the match, because Punk can afford more losses. Show is in HHH's office, which you can tell is his due to his DVD cover being on the wall.

Shield 6-man tag is up. Seems a bit like just another match. Cute spot with Ambrose and Rollins holding an Uso so the other could dropkick his back and knock them down. Not sure why they didn't just drop him to prevent that from happening. Nice Muta-esque elbow from Ambrose to Dolph. VINTAGE SHIELD! Amazing for a group that's only been around a year. Reigns spear got the win after a series of blind tags. Fun match, but it didn't seem very important. Looks like Dolph's winning on the pre-show to resume his Ambrose feud. The entire focus from the commentary was on the Rhodes match. OH NO, Big Show is stripping in HHH's office!

They came and he THREW FLOWERS. Cops called him Paul and asked him to leave for threatening an employee. Steph talked about him for a bit. It's important to tell the cops that he knocked out a WWE hall of famer. Show has A BIG MORTGAGE PAYMENT. She vouched for him, and then said his wife said he was shitty in bed. Maybe some of HHH's water will make his flag stand at attention. Show stood in front of the poster for HHH's DVD (available now at all retailers) and punched it. This looked way faker than it should've with them cutting out like a human head-sized shape instead of a fist-sized one. RVD cut a bad promo with Renee to show the Youtube clip WWE put up of him doing cool shit - including the throat crusher frog splash. Alberto "leaves no the ring!" Goddamn that was horrible - and that was among the better bits of build for it thanks to the clips. Hornswoggle, Santino, and Khali walked backstage to do something.

Shield faces Big Show on SD. Real Americans now have pink shirts and a black and pink flag. They're going a bit overboard with the pink stuff, although I am for anything that gives Zeb and Cesaro merchandise checks. Cesaro Swing on Titus from SD was replayed. They recapped the snake charming bit from SD. JBL knowing the technical name for snake charming rules. "We're gonna hit our overrun on a Cesaro Swing!" JBL is the star of the show. Santino won via fluke rollup. Zeb made a great face afterwards and the faces did the trumpet. Khali moved forward at perhaps a millimeter an hour.

"The Mighty Fall" is the Battleground theme. The comedy of them hyping up "the mighty fall" and Dolph rules. King and his theme got in the ring to congratulate Brie and Bryan on their engagement. Bryan's pink YES shirt looks okay. They showed a kid in the Wyatt sheep mask in the crowd. It's 11 and the main event segment has just finished the intros. "We'll wait until Sunday for the physicality." Because wrestling shows are for TALKING! I like that Orton is basically saying he's no longer one kind of character - HE'S ANOTHER KIND OF CHARACTER! HE'S A VILE, HORRIBLE HUMAN BEING. He's still against cancer though - which his shirt says. Bryan...repeated Orton's insults against him and said they're true. Orton told the crowd to shut up. Orton insulted Brie. I hope Bryan insults one of Orton's many wives. Bryan clotheslined him out of the ring at 11:05.

Orton atacked him, then Brie begged for him to stop. Oh lord - the PPV main event hype now involves Brie Bella's acting skills. RKO through the table. Crowd chanted RANDY and one guy wanted him to kiss her. This was fine in theory, but didn't do much to make me want to see them in another match, or watch the show itself.

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