Monday, November 25, 2013

Raw 11-25-13

The show opened with a short boring Orton promo, followed by the Authority saying words, then Cena coming out. AT TLC, IT WILL BE A TLC MATCH FOR BOTH BELTS. Or they'll both be hanging or something. Six man with the Shield against Rey and the Rhodes Bros is up. Super-quick match with Ambrose hitting the headlock driver on Cody for the win after Reigns took out the other two with the spear. Wacky street fight stips possible VIA THE APP for another Dolph-Sandow match.

MizTV with heel Miz and Titus coming out as a fake Strahan. So I guess the PTPs are heels. The real deal came out to put Show and Cena in a tag against Alberto and Orton, and seemingly challenged Miz to a match. They're going to give Strahan a hip toss, except he stiffed them both, so IT'S GONNA GET REAL with football. Miz bumped for him. And Titus did...AND NOW THEY'RE ALL BUDDIES. JBL talked about the death of Brian Griffin. This went on forever and didn't seem to serve much of a purpose beyond reminding everyone that wrestling is fake.

Big E recap of the title win. It's Axel and Ryback against Big E and MARK HENRY! Good lord, Big E looks tiny next to Henry. Big E's taking awesome bumps for Ryback's spinebuster and press slam. BIG E BELLY TO BELLY TO RYBACK. I love this match! World's strongest slam on Axel for a quick win. This was short and sweet! Oh lord, Survivor Series WOMENS REMATCH. Next. Something results in a bit of censoring with the feed cut. RNR Express-style double leg roll from the Bellas took out Rosa. Wheelbarrow...stunner-ish thing got botched from Naomi. Barbarian boot nailed her. Nattie took out Tamina so JoJo could get a pity win. Foxy backbreaker took her out. Nattie made Kaitlyn tap to the Sharpshooter. AJ beats her with a schoolgirl. X Factor from Brie takes out AJ. A dance off broke out. Fans demanded a twerk, but Summer Rae has no ass. Total Divas win with a VINTAGE CHAZ Burning Hammer from Nikki. Raw country wacky hardcore match recap. Slammy ad - they're two weeks away.

It's the Hamptons hardcore match, and the goofs brought out THE TOYS. Thankfully, they're just props and not Cameron's giant sex toy collection. Dolph's got an Islanders jersey on AND a Ryder shirt. NO DON'T HURT YOUR PUSH ANYMORE! Cole called this SHADES OF THE ATTITUDE ERA! JBL busted his balls for saying that and referencing Pete Gas. Silly trash can around the head dropkick led to an ad break. Ad for a wacky show on USA with EMTs called Sirens. It of course references anal sex on a PG show. Elbow of Disdain onto Dolph and the jersey. Terrible fameasser gets 2. Randy Savage chant for whatever reason. This match makes me want to watch some Randy Savage stuff on Youtube. Hogan chant. VINTAGE CORNETTE with the racket from Sandow. Or it would've been if he hit. Broom to the back of Dolph led to the full nelson slam and a win. Thank God it ended. "THAT WAS TRUE HARDCORE!" No King. Just no. VINTAGE EVEN STEVEN booking. Since it's the holiday season, it's HOLIDAY MOVIE TIME AND WWE HAS A NEW ONE STARRING THE MIZ. Oh this music just reeks of rejected Home Alone music. The girl's trying to yell over music and the crowd, and the announcing, with no mic. Rowan offered Strahan a sheep mask, which he accepted. Okay, that ruled.

Renee's out to interview Punk, who seems to have a Pepsi shirt underneath his hoodie. Oh yeah, he and Bryan face the whole Wyatt clan later. Bryan's goat shirt is such shit. Punk now just cuts promos so Bryan can yell yes. I did like Punk pointing out that Renee's an interviewer asking no questions. Bryan isn't Denzel here - he's Denzel's best friend. Punk then buried "creative" for doing a ton of handicap matches. Punk said you put the Dicks, the Rock N Rolls, the Midnights, the Ring Crew Exrpress, Colt Cabana, Matt Classic, and even Scott Colton against them and they'll come out on top. Outstanding! EUROPEAN UPPERCUT TRADING between Bryan and Harper. Nice standing headbutt from Bray, then a falling one ala Harley or JYD. Corner boot from Rowan missed. Suicide dive from Punk showed a fan with the shirt. Wow - it's not a Pepsi shirt - just BEST in the world in the Pepsi font. Nice. LAUNCHING OVER THE TOP FLAPJACK FROM ROWAN TO PUNK. Holy shit. LOL - WWE Shop has Christmas tree ornaments for the Shield.

Cole talked down to the fans, resulting in JBL being a moron for talking down to the fans because they're smart. Gigantic babyface comeback by Bryan. Harper powerbomb gets a rana counter into a Yes Lock attempt.  Back and forth corner dropkicks before the Michinoku driver gets 2 from Harper. Heels kicked too much ass IN A HANDICAP MATCH and it led to a DQ. Rowan carried Bryan to the back. Punk went to save but got hit by a blind spear from Reigns. Okay - that was great. Triple powerbomb to Punk. I like that Reigns has admirable traits, but isn't yet likeable. Great cocky smirk from Reigns at the end. This was all a win and made me wish the show was over here.

Abduction recap. Maybe it'll lead to an "I'M NOT A GOAT! I'M A MAN!" skit from Bryan. Miz met with the co-star of his movie and was an asshole. He's got a match or something. Kofi the Best Buy Worker came down for one. Good lord, it's a pre-show rematch. Why? MIZ IS CLEARLY BETTER THAN THIS MAN. Or they're going to split things for no good reason. Miz was a sportsman before the match and after, so he's not really much of a heel here. Odd to highlight Miz's heel turn by showing you what a sportsman he is. WOAAAHHH HIPTOSS!  by Kofi. They're going through the motions of the Malenko-Gurrero spots. VINTAGE CHINLOCK from Miz. Friday is King's birthday, and Zeb's, AND JBL'S. King and Zeb are the same age - amazing. SOS dropped Kofi right on his shoulder after he reversed the figure four. Springboard frog body got 2, but Miz won with a crucifix. Another clean win by the new heel. Foley did the best WWEShop bit yet as himself, Dude Love, and Mankind. He's still got an amazing presence on the mic and looked a decade younger with the big beard, no grey in it, and being slimmer.

King met with the guy who won a Hurricane Sandy auction, and a fan held up a Diva Dirt sign. Charlie called himself the Kosher Butcher - his finisher is the circumcision. And that ended that. Truth's in a sweet leather jacket talking about Brodus and Xavier. JBL outright said the guy could just bomb on live TV in a one on one match. Oh this poor fucker. He's dialed down to sub-Brodus and being buried by JBL. Cole talked about his over 9,000 mantra and didn't mention DBZ once. 3bird skit got a plug. Big Kosher Butcher chant here. Truth's all-black getup rules. Konnan lariat and Eat Defeat get the win. This guy's doomed in this spot, but God bless him - he's a great human being who deserves success. Michael Cole putting him over as the coolest, hippest cat in the land makes him seem so lame. Cole dancing hurts him even more. SNME clip from the WWE history DVD aired.

Goofy Total Divas ad. Bellas met with Strahan, while he hit on the Funkadactyls, Eva hit on him, and Goludst...bit at him... WWE 2K14 hype. LOOK AT THESE GRAPHICS! AMAZING GRAPHICS! Then they aired a Ryse/Orton mashup showing how shitty 2K14's graphics are. Heels came down for the main event. Then the faces...hard to believe it's been an hour since the awesome Bryan/Punk tag stuff. The TLC match is a match ELEVEN YEARS IN THE MAKING. So...maybe it's a unification match or something. Show kicked a ton of ass before a break. Cole said that the winner of the TLC match would be the first Undisputed champion since Brock Lesnar in 2002. Great kneeling YOU CAN'T SEE ME bit from Alberto. Kick to the head is leading to a concussion ending teaser for the finish. So on a show with a wacky weapons match and head shots, THIS is the serious thing. Show went to try and tag Orton. Ref isn't stopping this for some reason. Maybe the ref just has really high standards for a stoppage. Like with Vince needing to see a needle in a guy's ass to begin to suspect steroid usage. The concussion recap was brought to us by WWE BRAWLIN BUDDIES! Doctor stoppage is teased before Orton hits a jumping DDT to counter a chokeslam. Punt countered with a spear. Oh yeah - the Punt was the finish. They should've brought that up before. "John Cena's healthy." HAHAHAHAHA. Armbar countered into an STF tapout. So I guess Alberto's now in the IC Title hunt. Cheapshot attack led to Alberto being AA' he really sucks. Orton hit Cena with the belt and then just threw the world title around onto his belt. Then he held up both belts and Cole said THIS IS SYMBOLIC OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN AT WWE TLC. Way to spell things out and not give people a chance to even use their heads to think of that for themselves.

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