Monday, November 4, 2013

Raw 11-4-13

This week's Raw has just about zero hype behind it. BIG SHOW HAS BEEN BANNED FOR LIFE according to the pre-show cut-in. That must be why they keep using his WWE-owned name and likeness all over the place. Punk's out to start in his Bret gear. Wyatt attack recap. Punk-Harper is the match. More clips, now showing the Bryan attack from Raw. Punk's got Eddie Munster hair now. Gator roll. Crowd died quickly. Suicide dive from Punk led to a really safe bump from Harper and the crowd coming alive. I love Cole standing up for himself against JBL. Don't so much like his call of the SPINNING TORNADO DDT! Instead of hitting the elbow on Harper, he dove onto Rowan. Springboard turned into a big boot - PERFECT landing there. Super-tight O'Connor Roll got the win. Wyatts attack, Bryan saves. YES chant. This will all make for a fine video package. Cole hyped up his site talks with HHH. Now the suit is only for one million dollars. This feels like SD - tons and tons of clips. Wacky wind sound effects have been added to HHH's bump. Orton faces an opponent CHOSEN ON THE APP. Poor Miz. Sandow teams with the Real Americans to face the tag champs and Cena - should be awesome. MORE CESARO-CENA!

Phone interview with Heyman. The graphic for his face is disturbing. Poor guy has all sorts of injuries caused by CM Punk. The poor non-athlete and father of two small children. His big beautiful Ryback's out for a Khali match caused by BULLYING HORNSWOGGLE! JBL pimped Santino's gym by name - good for him. Get a payday and get his gym plugged without working a match. After nine hours, the Meathook got the win. Post-match beating from Ryback. Recap of Show again. OH MY GOD, the show is only 35 minutes old. Kofi's out in blue, yellow, and white gear with a match headband. He faces Alberto next. Best of 9,000 series!

According to Cole, Alberto is perhaps upset about not being champ. PERHAPS upset he's no longer world champ!? Well, titles do come and go. I love Alberto's new silver, black, and gold gear. Running kick of death to the arm in the corner after a snap German from ADR. Side headlock-style chinlock. Splash/bodyblock thing from Kofi got 2. Blind springboard crossbody got 2 from Kofi. Wacky cradle from Kofi got 2. Armbar wins. Alberto swings a flag like you'd row a boat. Otunga recap, complete with clips. I sure hope Otunga got permission to use these clips that defame WWE...on their own show. Really good video package. THE WWE APP GIVES YOU, THE FAN, THE POWER! You can use the app to look at Kofi's past - when he was a success. Orton app results are next. I hope there's an Orton chinlock montage on the app!

Recap of Ortiz and the WWE Title. Holy crap. Orton's an EIGHT TIME WWE Champion. I remember the '09 reign due to Mania. Orton cut a promo about women wanting him, and having a bigger dick than every other man in the building. Orton's cock is so big he can please all three of his on-air wives at once. Big E won the vote by a ton. Big E's past as the NXT Champ was brought up. NEW GEAR for Randy. Digging the maroon and silver trim. Barricade toss gave Big E the edge before a break. Giant splash got 2 for Big E. Draping DDT. Bodyblock after an RKO counter. Big Ending countered into an RKO. Great showcase for Big E that didn't hurt him at all. OH THANK GOD ANOTHER SHOW RECAP IS COMING! Cena-Rock WK14 game recap. YAY SUMMER RAE! Summer's cleavage is on display for a mixed tag.

KIDD'S BACK teaming with Nattie. He's got sweet long gear now. Five trillion star spin bump from Fandango for Kidd's running dropkick. Summer Rae managed to fall right onto her ass doing a clothesline. Twitter crawl shows that Zeb HIGHLY DISAPPROVES of border hopping. Kidd is so incredible here. Running big kick to the face on the apron. Summer Rae isn't just a WW II buff, she's also great at words with friends. Kidd's sharpshooter gets the win. Tremendous! Kidd looked better here than he has so far on Raw. Renee and her emerald green earrings interviewed Sandow. Zeb talked about admiring Sandow. HOLLA HOLLA 6 MAN TAG is next.

BUT FIRST, more clips of the Show drama. And a Cena promo. Less talking, more Goldust doing stuff. kthx Cena's congratulating the Komen foundation. WWE IS BEING SO GENEROUS, THEY'LL KEEP SELLING YOU THEIR MERCH ALL YEAR, and give an unnamed percentage of proceeds, to Komen. Cancer survivors and their families were shown in the crowd for a few seconds. Big E-Axel on Main Event. Zeb and Alberto are on commentary - on opposite sides. Love them still hating each other. Sandow looks like a total jobber in all-black gear. Alberto ordered Cole to "shet up". Cole hyped up Cena's 14th world title reign - putting him right before Flair. THE POWER OF TOTAL DIVAS allowed Tyson Kidd to trend worldwide. JBL buried Kidd's kiss once again. I love Zeb and Alberto bitching, but it's distracting. A nine-hour ad for CoD: Ghosts aired. VERY EUROPEAN UPPERCUT gets 2 after a break. Between "shet up" and "fucusing", Alberto's commentary isn't very PG. Alberto and King getting buried here. Cena took that full nelson slam terribly. JBL counted the Cesaro swing IN SPANISH! Cesaro was shoved into Zeb, who took a great bump on the floor. Cena's flying crossbody led to the Final Cut - now the suplex/swinging neckbreaker combo, for the win. It's nearly 2014 and Dutch Mantel is taking bumps on the floor. RE-RE-RE-RE-RECAP of the Show deal. Big Show met with the PTPs and said it's all good.

Vickie alerted HHH that Show was here. Instead of watching his own show, he must be checking out the app. Love the HHH mag in the background. The top of Steph's hair looks odd. Steph said she didn't have a chance to alert HER HUSBAND. No time to call. Or text, apparently. I'd like to be paid $250 an hour by WWE to hear all this legal stuff. MITB DVD hype vid. Dolph's out to job. Maybe not - he's facing Axel. ZERO reaction to him. Angle-esque knee to the back camel clutch from Axel. Oh thank God. Axel gets no reaction and decides to use chinlocks. Legalese and chinlocks. Riveting. Dolph actually beat Axel. This match didn't help anyone. MORE RECAPS. Now for the Bryan/Punk deal from the start of the show. Usos are out and their US-O got a nice reaction. They're facing 3MB. Canadian politics now getting discussed during Raw. JBL called Torito Mr. Ed's nephew, which confused everyone else. Usos won, and a cow in Arkansas gave birth to triplets. Renee met with Los Matadores and showed highlights that all involved 3MB. And now the bullfighters have Mickey Mouse masks. And the bull is HORNY - HE MIGHT HORN YOU IN THE KNEES! Eva Marie's got black gear and red hair, while the Bellas have red gear and black hair. King said this would be good. I doubt it. Nice shot of Eva's ass. Kane recap from last week. "The monster is yours to unleash! OH MY GOD!" Still funny. It's Tamina, AJ, and Aksana against the faces. Aksana tagged in to rub her ass and stomp a mudhole into a Bella. BRIEEEE MOODEEE led to a bicep pose a missile dropkick. Eva stole the pin with a cradle. Now the Bellas can be angry that they won a tag match. Steph and HHH are coming out. MAIN EVENT TALKING!

Show said he wanted a broom so Steph could fly away. Love HHH saying he can trade immature insults too. Show demanded to be the face of the company, which set Steph off. Show used Bryan's YES chant, then the Shield came down for an ad break at 10:55 - bad timing there. He wanted a title match, but Hunter didn't want to give it to him, so Show said okey dokey - he'll just call his attorney own them all tomorrow. Tremendous. Show is the best part about this whole deal. Dean Ambrose is so getting that I'm a Dean Ambrose Girl later. HHH making the main event at 11:04 PM - Show vs. Shield/Orton. Spear takes out Show. Show's clothes are all torn up here. LIBERTARIAN KANE DEBUTED! RKO. I demand that Kane's theme be remixed into something more fitting an office setting. The world needs a muzak version of it. Triple powerbomb through the announce table hit.

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