Thursday, November 28, 2013

TNA Impact 11-28-13 - THANKSGIVING!

I doubt this show will have Angle praying to God that Pacman Jones isn't in TNA, but it should be entertaining. TNA can always be counted on to deliver some amusing stuff on a Thanksgiving Impact. Tonight's biggest battle will be booking vs. tryptophan. Nice show-opening recap of the end of the Aces and 8s. THE 18 MONTH REIGN OF TERROR IS OVER! They also hyped up the main event with clips of Roode-Angle from BFG. Anderson's going to do a mock funeral for the Aces - somehow, I doubt this will top the Team 3D funeral. Taz absolutely no-sold the end of the Aces saying that he was kinda growing tired of it anyway. Well, he did say it sucked three weeks ago. Dixie hired herself a chief of staff - so now she's JBL. Dixie's in a tiger-print table cloth - she picked a Brit because they know how to treat royalty. PLEASE WELCOME MY NEW CHIEF OF STAFF - ROCKSTAR SPUD! Everything about that sentence ruled. And his outfit is amazing. Love Taz referring to him as Mr. Spud. The state of the tan and hair on this fucker.

This dude is such a little turd - I'm going to love this gimmick. The Wheel of Dixie made Magnus-Angle in a last man standing match, and Hardy-Angle in a tables match next week. Dixie got something from one of her family's many companies - Winner Winner Turkey Dinner! So is the deal that TNA's roster is so poor that they need to fight to split a single turkey? She brought out HER KIN EC3! If he leaves, I wonder if Dixie will cut a promo like Fritz did on the fake Von Erich. EC3 faces another flown-in foe - THE GREATEST CHALLENGE TO DATE! This gimmick rules. Great 10 minutes.

HOLY SHIT! HE'S HOT, SPICY, AND TASTES GREAT - HE'S CURRY MAN! Goddamn this gimmick is so great. EC3 is bobbing his head to the theme. KOBASHI KENTA MISAWA MITSUHARU! Tenay said EC3 didn't approve of his knowledge of puro. I love Tenay then burying Taz for his lack of knowledge about curry. Kobashi machine gun chops from Curry Man! Love it. I wonder if this whole deal leads to them bringing back Red for a one-shot as either Red or Sangriento. Hot and spicy butt butt in the corner. RAINMAKER from EC3. That is a great setup for the 1%er and it got the win. Recap of Roode and Storm beating the shit out of each other for a nothing TV match. Angle was proud to have GunStorm on his team tonight. Storm was still a dick to a guy who saved him from a beating. Tapa makes her...sorta debut but not really against Velvet. Oh Christ.

YAY IT'S THE BRO-MANS! And Ion's their new DJ, who looks like a colossal douche - I love this. Jesse lamented having to wear the turkey suit before. IT'S TIME FOR TAG TEAM SQUABBLES WITH DOUBLE THE GOBBLES! EY recruited EC3's job squad to face the tag champs. Then everyone danced like goofs. This was amusing. Velvet came out with her ass hanging out to face Tapa. Tapa's theme is great and her gear is pretty high-end in an indy kinda way. Velvet got angry over being overpowered by Tapa, then made wacky faces. Velvet got mared off of Tapa's back and landed right on her ass. This poor girl can't bump for shit. Gail interfered, so she got kicked out and demanded that Tapa FINISH HER! Side-mounted head bash by Tapa. Velvet got choked, but countered with a shitty-looking jawbreaker and a series of awesome-looking round and high kicks. Stick with those. Kick of Fear and the TKO got the win for Tapa. Taz brought up Gail having her greatest threat to set up their eventual match. THE TURKEY BOWL MATCH IS NEXT!

The TNA World Cup is coming to PPV in a few weeks. A brief tease for the Aces burial skit aired. The turkey suit got a hype video - I LOLED at IT'S THE TITLE NO ONE WANTS. I thought Big E had that? Ion mixed for the tag champs - the men who are so godly they sweat holy water. Love them going down the whole ramp doing fist pumps. I demand this gimmick go on for ages. Barnes and Fernum came down. Ion's mixing board is being used for a laugh track. I love this. Tag champs won in no time with their finisher. Taz demanded the horn effect for his phone. Taz buried their outfits and said the turkey suits would be an improvement. ODB should've come out as Lady Gobble. Or maybe not.

Another AJ vid aired. They're spending way too much to air nothing about these matches, and I really could've done without Dixie saying she gave AJ the belt as a toy. She gave AJ a week to get the belt to her. Maybe he'll run it over a truck beforehand. It's EGO and Sabin as Team Roode. Kaz joked about being drug tested a few months ago HAHAHAHA, and Joseph Park testing positive for gravy. I loved Sabin making num num motions when they talked about the dinner. Spud talked about Thanksgiving dinner and demanded all the stuff after a PA told him what they should actually get. They're giving themselves one hour to make a whole dinner - hopefully no one gets violently ill. Magnus and Angle talked about how much they respected each other. A wacky country tune was used to recap Anderson killing the Aces.

A balding Mike Rotunda looking-motherfucker was the guy presiding over it. Joe ate a sandwich, while EY cried and Tenay asked WHY! Anderson got out of the coffin and resurrected his career by being hilarious. He buried the Aces for taking up many, many, many many many many many segments and the Hogans for sending the platter that Joe is currently consuming. Angle said he lost D'Lo to the group - you know, the guy who bobbed his head? He threw the bobblehead into the coffin. Joe put Skull and Crossbones Brand Beer in there...before remembering it's cold and keeping it - and not giving one to Angle. This is so awesome. Tenay laid Taz's cut and Brooke's booty shorts to rest...before pocketing the latter. EY buried a turkey suit - but don't worry - he has a million of them. Anderson was going to lay the hammer to rest, but wanted to keep it since it's a perfectly good hammer. Bully cut a great promo about Ken keeping an eye open at night in his best interest - and the interest of his wife too. Bully looks at death as the final awakening. Which he said while wearing a giant black hoodie. That was a billion percent better than I expected. Main event is up next.

Clips of Angle at One D Day - nice of them to make this seem like a big deal and make TNA seem somewhat mainstream. More bitching with Spud and the cook. She now has 20 minutes to finish the dinner. Great bit with Taz praising Daniels' welding shades, then Tenay saying Taz's family always does it before making a chainsaw sound effect that Tenay buries him for. IT'S CAPTAIN KURT! His team looks far less wacky than the heel group. The captains started the match - so much for building to that throughout the match, although it's no big deal since they've already had a couple of matches recently. Sabin got Storm out with a cradle. I love seeing him in the main event mix - even if him being X Champ is a complete afterthought. I'd rather that just be the case instead of them half-ass trying to make the title seem important and clearly not following through - at least there's no pretense here. Irish Curse into the Gun Rack tries to take Kaz out, but the high-low from Bad Influence took him out. Iffy landing on a flying clothesline to Kaz from Magnus took him out for the break.

Replay of the leg injury. Sabin dropped a knee Regal-style on Angle - nice and stiff when they came back. It's down to Angle versus everyone on his own. He had Daniels pinned, but the ref couldn't count because he was distracted by the other heels. Tenay called a move wrong so Taz buried him, then Tenay buried him for giving a shit this one night. Taz talked about Angle having "9,000 neck surgeries" which is somewhat true and kinda frightening. There's an over 9,000 joke in there somewhere. Chain of Germans to everyone. Taz – I don't think Kurt's even German – he's just German Suplex happy! This is such a fun show. DOUBLE GERMAN SUPLEX to both members of Bad Influence at once. DOUBLE ANKLE LOCK ON THEM. Roode went to hit him with a chair, but Angle hit them and got DQed. Well what the fuck - might as well beat the shit out of them. Roode wound up bloody due to all of this. Kurt's right pec looks fucked up now.

Sweet - Hardcore Gamer's plug was shown in the CoD: Ghosts ad. Hardy's stupid album was hyped. Recap of the main event - it's turkey time! Roode told his team to get ready for turkey. Storm was a dickhead to Gunner again. The interview guy asked if they had a goal as a team, and Storm has no answer. Hardy, Angle, Roode, and Magnus put over the world title - WHAT!? Shouldn't they be burying it to no end? Don't title shots come and go? EC3 showed up in a swank suit and buried Spud's food. He should've buried him for his suit. Spud took a photo of the spread and...that was an ad break. He could've at least put someone in a chinlock or something. 

Tenay ran down the taping and road schedule. He said a lot about each event to help hide the amount of dates being fairly few in number. ALL OF THE WINNERS came down - all heels, and Velvet's just fine out there with Tapa. They should've spent more than $2 on the tablecloth. It looks like a kid's table. Roode was a dick to Velvet because she lost - and Sabin agreed to kick her out. "Sorry toots, I'll bring you a doggy bag!" Tremendous. Daniels was glad to be happy and hung. Kaz was glad that Park wasn't here to drink the gravy and fornicate with the pumpkin pie. I can't get over the fucking paper plates they're using. At least they've got golden plastic cups. Sabin's thankful for his belt, his hair, oh and Velvet too. The Bro Mans are thankful for their DJ, Mr. Olympia, not having to wear the turkey suit, and being the best tag champs ever. HOOOORRRNNNNN! Loved Kaz and Daniels taking offense. Roode was thankful for the REAL Thanksgiving -  a month ago in Canada. Angle came out to be a jerk. He said everyone cheated, which I guess is true since Gail helped. Although I  don't recall the BroMans cheating to beat the goobers. All of tonight's faces came down, including Dewey and Barnes squawking in the suit. Ion's pants fell down. Velvet gave Gail a face full of pie. Pumpkin pie. ODB hit Tapa with a chair. Kaz bumped for the turkey. The flying nerds flapped their wings and splashed the tag champs. Crowd chanted TNA after this wackiness. The ring looked nasty, but this was pretty funny stuff - especially with a drink or two in you.

Screens -

No comments:

Post a Comment