WWE Battleground 2015

The kickoff starts off with a fantastic video package that only takes 30 seconds to get you hyped up. Byron is more excited than if he was a dog with Kibbles n Bits. Well, he is just ONE of the voices of Raw. According to Ryback's Twitter, he suffered a "severe staff infection". Why not bother fixing this in post-production? Okay, they made a joke out of it - so then still fix it. AWESOME Owens-Cena hype video told the story in reverse order, which is strange. We got MITB stuff followed by EC. Roman-Bray recap. King What's Up interview. Tons of buffering. King Barrett vs. King Truth is nothing. Stupid Swerved ad looks so immature - nothing but toilet humor. If you're facing Barrett and hear him yelling "C'MON!" just stay down. Bullhammer is avoided once, but it hits the second time for the win. Divas revolution stuff. Brock-Seth stuff is really car-centric, and not the car destruction as much as the post-destruction stuff.

AWESOME gladiator-themed hype video for the show. Boy is wrestling sure ever fun when it's presented in a serious manner. Oh hey, here's a show sponsored by Mountain Dew and the WWE UNIVERSE IS PUMPED AND READY. Sheamus is out to face Orton in the opener, which is a slight surprise. LOLed at King's "IT'S SPILLED OVER TO SOCIAL MEDIA, WHERE ELSE CAN IT GO!?" Somewhere good, perhaps? They keep showing these clips and I have no recollection of any of it. Sheamus stalls for a while. They have every match they've had together, but with a flying knee off the second rope by Sheamus.

Nice back and forth punch exchange on the floor leads to a back suplex through the announce table to Sheamus. Ref keeps counting...shouldn't Orton be DQed? Orton and Sheamus do a back and forth boo/yay punch exchange with two people chanting. Orton gets a superplex while JBL name-drops Scott Irwin. That gets 2, as does THE DREADEDSCHOOLBOY to Orton. Sheamus gets the pump kick and the cloverleaf while the commentators go nuts. Yup, Orton could tap here to this move that hasn't even beaten jobbers in years. "That was o-kay!" needs to become a chant. Recap of Stephanie McMahon saving women's wrestling and being the only person who these people can thank for any and all success they have - all due to her being a McMahon and of course being so giving.
OH THANK GOD MORE STEPHANIE! Stephanie appears to be 900 feet tall next to JoJo.

NEW! DAY ROCKS! is out being amazing. Kofi gets his chest caved in while JBL mocks him for already having a sunken chest. Lots of offense here, including a great ab stretch with the clap and Xavier saying HE'S GETTING HIM WITH THAT TRICEP MEAT. PTPs retain with Clash of the Titus. Paige meets with her new best friends, who she never had a friendship with before Raw on-air. Oh, and the Rebellion is all about using wacky WWE terms. Cole talks about "WWE Background" - well, they at least know their place. In six days, they've killed this women's rebellion deal. WWE conversations remind me of Kang and Kodos impersonating Dole and Clinton. Becky's got those goofy goggles on, which...fit what part of her character or look exactly? Bray-Roman is up next.

Bray came down and the announcers talked about how he has followers, while Roman came down and women came. They proceed to have every TV match they've ever had, but with an apron DDT. "WHAT SAY OF YOU!? Ye Olde Wyatt can be amusing. Bray locked on possibly the longest single hold since 1928. Bray eats worlds and back suplexes. Roman gets a big crotch lift exploder on Bray. A second one. Apron dropkick is countered by a slick lariat. Superman punch! They're shocked that Roman's move that always gets 2 gets 2. Ugh. Bray boots his head off the lariat and hits the shotgun lariat for 2. Bray gets some chairs to a huge pop, but Roman prevents the attack to boos. Something is very wrong about every part of that. Roman throws some chairs in - and some guy in a hoodie attacks Roman. Abigail hits and Bray wins. The hoodie guy was LUKE HARPER - thank God. Summerslam hype vid.

JoJo met. With Team BAD. Who said. Words. In a very. Organic manner. BAD is now Beautiful and Dangerous, and they all came down to Naomi's theme - so she's the star here apparently. The women come out and take 80 years to pick people. They talked about Charlotte being such a big deal at a young age...what? She's nearing 30 and is on her second marriage. JBL gets the line of the night with "This is almost like when we had WCW invading us!" Oh...how very true. Cole calls Sasha "Sasha Bray" and then says she's a he after a dive. Sasha gets the Bank Statement revealing Charlotte's bra, but Brie attacks. Figure 8 wins. Figure 8 looks horrible - there doesn't appear to be any pressure on the knees because they're so high up. The recap of the Brie accidental back suplex bit had a new angle - and that could've gone much worse. Recap of the kickoff show.

Owens-Cena recap leads to Owens getting a huge pop coming out. Love Owens telling Cena to drop the act and just come out here - we've seen it for 10 years and he has his title. Love Owens countering Cena's theatrics with a simple punch. Love King busting out the Rosa defense of "he's a nice guy". Torture rack neckbreaker gets 2 while they act like it's a new move. Yup. I never saw that in WWF No Mercy in 2000 or anything. They each hit dropkicks that JBL mocks for not being very high. Wacky spinning X factor gets for Cena. I legit miss Cena as a main eventer - at least the title and its champion were presented as a serious threat instead of as a joke. Owens gets a DDT for 2. Director misses Kevin doing the You Can't See Me bit - good to see TNA's production crew get some paying work. FIVE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE BY OWENS! @restinpeace316 loved the divas match - so the revolution in strong. Owens catches the stunner and gets a German leading to the cannonball for 2.

Boo/yay punches lead to some bad kicks from Cena. WHATTAMOVEBYCENA gets 2. AA gets 2. Super Steenerizer gets 2! AA AND STF BY OWENS! Cole hypes up "This kid" - he has a wife and two kids. Owens eats the Springboard Stunner, but gets a lariat - so that move is dead. Powerbomb is avoided and Cena gets the AA for 2. Pop up powerbomb gets 2. SUPER AA GETS 2 and...it's really not much of a big deal. Should be, but it's not. Cena has split his jorts. OWENS TAPS. The NXT Revolution continues!

So instead of Rusev vs. Cesaro II, we get a Miz skit. Fucking hell. Miz tells Show to do what the fans want and retire. He wants the Authority to give him the title. So are the Authority faces for this segment? How about Show? Show KOs him. Brock-Seth recap leads to Seth, the champ, coming out first. Brock comes out and we get Cole talking about stats - at least they're about Brock not being beaten in 2 1/2 years. If King could just stop talking throughout this match, that'd be great. Brock goes for suplexes, but Seth avoids it for a while. GERMANS! Brock's matches need a suplex-a-meter. FOUR GERMANS! Love Seth going into the crowd only for Brock to JUMP THE BARRICADE at 37 and attack. Haven't seen that kind of leap over a barricade since Savage did that over the ringside ropes in Memphis to get to Jimmy Hart - awesome.

Seth backflips out of a German, thus showing the weakness of having one-dimensional offense and lands tons of kicks - including a few superkicks. Big catching belly to belly from Brock! ROLLING GERMANS! SUZUKI-LEVEL SLAP TO THE FUCKING FACE! F5 AND THE DONG HITS! Pissed off granddaddy dead man goes for a chokeslam and avoids an F5, but lands a chokeslam and a tombstone! Brock took his streak, and Taker took away his chance at the WWE Title. Crowd gets a TOMBSTONE CITY chant going and chants one more time. And then he left. Wow. No finish, just a really good run-in - but not even a chickenshit pinfall?I loved the underlying story of this Brock-Taker thing. Brock took away Taker's streak - the thing that grew to define him. Brock had a career-defining WWE Title reign and chose to ensure that Brock could never recapture that glory like he can't regain the streak. But fuck the non-finish.