Monday, July 13, 2015

WWE Raw 7-13-15

Literally just got in right before the intro video. It's a fabulous deal with Brock destroying a great many things and people. Cole says that Caddy is a metaphor for Seth - so instead of buying a watermelon like the Road Warriors did, WWE bought a Caddy. Smart use of funds there. THE WORLD IS USING HASHTAGBATTLEGROUND - no it's not. Heyman and Brock are out, and Brock is now THE BADASS AVENGER!

Cole talks about Seth's SD promo being about the worst thing being that the car was a gift for his family - so now I don't need to watch that show. Kane makes a contract signing after Seth screws up some of his lines and Heyman points out how that will certainly all go well. RANDY ORTON AND RYBACK VS BIG SHOW AND SHEAMUS IS WWE'S VERSION OF THE ALL STAR GAME!? Ryback's out in a black and white getup that looks pretty okay. Just what Raw needed - Miz on commentary and long recaps of Sheamus and Ryback feuds.

Sheamus clubs Ryback for a bit, but he fights back with a shockingly good tope for a break. I don't care. Miz just keeps talking. "I'm a fighty! FIGHTER!" Loved it. Post-break chinlock. Ryback survives a KO punch. Somehow, the match ends - I had to look away for Prototype launching on Xbox One. Dean's out for his match.

Recap of the Bray-Roman stuff from Raw last week. Roman-Bray recap from MITB. Byron talked about Bray mesmerizing the mind or some shit. Roman attacks Bray and then Bray hits Roman with the lantern.  Ronda Rousey OR THE BELLA TWINS - who is the superior female athlete!? BEING DIVAS CHAMPION GIVES YOU ALL THE POWER. So then being TNA World Champion is on par with this, then? Steph comes down. Why is Steph cosplaying as Ludwig Borga? I hope they gave Nikki some balls before the break so Steph could cut them off. Paige comes down and Steph tells her that she needs partners - so here comes Becky Lynch, I guess due to Conor winning. Steph brings out Charlotte too. So we're getting a six-divas tag at the PPV, right? So does Naomi get an NXT partner too to make this a three vs. three vs. three deal? Sasha Banks is on Raw! Raw is Boss! Bellas are trapped between all the faces and then a brawl broke out. Charlotte gets some bad offense and the crowd chants "this is awesome" for some reason. Charlotte has no ass - why is she in booty shorts? Figure 8 is called the figure four, while Sasha gets the Banks Statement with no name and Becky gets the armbar. Another this is awesome chant.


PTPs and Henry against New Day. Whatever. JBL calls New Day THE GLEEBIRDS. I dig that. They go over and over about us just seeing A REVOLUTION for the divas. Henry runs wild, and he is perfect as a guy to tag in for quick offense. Henry slams Woods for the win - so maybe New Day wins at the PPV. Henry is really good at leaning in while other guys dance apparently. Brock-Car recap again. OH THANK GOD A BARRETT-TRUTH RECAP. Cole said that Barrett called Truth a bag of rubbage...rubbish? Whatever. Truth beats Barrett with the Lie Detector, which is the flying Complete Shot and not the forearm. Truth's scepter appears to be a large silver dildo with a plunger on the end of it. Recap of Rusev-Dolph. Dolph is out indefinitely - WHO WILL LANA READ WITH NOW!?

Cena's out for the challenge, and it's accepted by Rusev! Rusev looks a lot stockier with the boots on. Rusev hates STUPID WITCH LANA and Dolph. Owens objects to this match and then Owens and Rusev have a glorious argument. LISTEN YOU STUPID FRENCH AMERICAN WHATEVER YOU ARE, I WAS HERE FIRST! Greatness. Looks like we'll get Cesaro and Cena vs. Owens and Rusev. Cena's a prick - leaving Cesaro mid-ring to be beaten up here. Maybe it's a 3-way now. 3-Way with the winner facing Cena tonight. Well that's unfair for the winner. Cena hypes up "The divas segment" because it's just a show. Not an organic event that occurred, just part of the show. Cesaro launches a tower of doom for back to back 2 counts. LEAPING TORNADO DDT FROM OWENS gets 2. Cesaro Germans Owens, who Germans Rusev for 2. TORNADO DIVE BY CESARO! Rusev Alabama slams Owens, and Cesaro gets a big delayed suplex on Rusev. Owens flees after being attacked by both guys.


Cena's commentary is largely awful and generic. Crazy suplex from Rusev to Cesaro ON THE APRON. FLYING HEADBUTT MISSES AND CESARO GETS THE CROSSFACE! Cesaro eats the big uranage for 2. Big superkick hits and he goes for the Accolade. Headbutts counter that INTO THE SWING! SHARPSHOOTER! Crowd is barricade-slapping for a tap! Cesaro vs. Rusev vs. Owens was excellent. We need a whole Rusev vs. Cesaro series - these two have great chemistry. Superkick wins for Rusev. Cena wants the match NOW? What a cock. It's like when he beat Rey after he won the WWE Title earlier in the night.

So Rusev, the brave man fighting for his lost love and trying to regain his past glory after a hard-fought fair win is the face, right? Rusev's lip looks busted up and he's exhausted, which JBL points out. Long headlocks here. Cena runs wild amid some boos. Rusev counters the AA WITH THE ACCOLADE! Owens boots Rusev and powerbombs him. Kane says some sentences to a redhead, so he's either hitting on her or planning the contract signing.


Tough Enough segment with A REAL STAR, SOMEONE FROM THE PAST Lita. THE LEGENDARY BILLY GUNN! Lita introduced everyone to no response, because no one watches the show. Cole called Tough Enough "hard-hitting reality". Nope.  Roman-Wyatt recap. Goofy Stardust thing in the back - he now has forehead jewelry. Okay. If nothing else, we at least got the comic graphics out of this. He's facing Neville next. Barrett vs. Truth will be for the crown on the Battleground kickoff show. Side Effect gets 2 for Stardust and a Cody chant. They talked about this being his first match since Dusty's passing, he's a heel, and he won with cheating. And then they played Neville's theme. What on Earth. Seth and Brock are mid-ring next - this show has flown by.

Recap of Brock stuff. I look forward to a "PLEASE JUST END" chant for Raw one day. Heyman talks for a while about Seth getting his ass kicked. Seth says the wrong thing and pisses off Brock, leading to him manhandling the table. Brock beats up Seth and Kane. Great bit with him countering a starcase pedigree with A CHARGING SPEAR INTO THE BARRICADE. He dives onto Kane, but nearly eats a chokeslam before getting an F5 on the floor and smashing his foot with the steps between the other steps. Unlike usual, they didn't use the giant V side for that. He grabs the title and holds it high. Brock looks even scarier and more badass as he gets older. Seth cut a promo about slaying the beast and tearing Brock's stupid sword tattoo off his chest. Ha! Seth buries Kane for his plan backfiring. What a great prick. Seth stomps the bad leg, so they at least tried to get him over as kind of a badass here and once again, Seth has no allies.

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