Monday, June 24, 2013

Raw 6-24-13

The show opened with a glorious video package recapping Brock demolishing Punk and smiling as a result, and Henry massacring Cena with death. Then Bryan came out to a sea of YES chants and a great GOAT FACED THRILLAH sign. Bryan made sure to set the record straight that he is in fact A WRESTLER and not an extra in the Hobbit. Also, anyone calling him the weak link is a moron. His match with Orton is the opener, and Orton strolled down after Bryan's promo got the crowd pumped. This match has led to a shockingly high amounts of talking, but now the match is underway after a standing flying knee strike from Bryan. They started with corner shots and then went to the floor, basically skipping the first few minutes of their SD match. A flying knee from Bryan accidentally sent him into the ref and resulted in a DQ. Bryan continued to kick a bunch of ass while Orton was glad that all the refs prevented more ass-kicking. THIS RULED!

Brickie is backstage, and Bryan said that their match was apparently a double DQ. Bryan ordered a rematch or he wanted Maddox, he got Orton and YESd. Rhodes Scholars are out for a tag match with Sheamus. I'm astonished this isn't a handicap match where it's legal for Sheamus to use a bazooka. Instead, he teams with Christian. ON THE APP, Sandow said he'd face Sheamus in a Dublin street fight on SD, assuming plans don't change. King gave a small tribute to Jackie Fargo after a weird segue from Cole, saying that he was a father figure who he sold-out the Mid-South Coliseum with 39 years ago today. It's a shame that was done during the match instead of after it, or at least given its own time since they have three hours to work with. Neither JBL or Cole really said anything about him, which just added to the awkwardness. Christian worked really well with Cody, who eventually lost to a Brogue kick. Jericho faces Alberto again, because Raw really needs more rematches. Oh, and Christian is apparently fine after his Shield beatdown - I guess because they only really triple powerbombed him and didn't put him through part of the set.
Punk was backstage with his Gracie hoodie, giant Beats headphones texting, or playing Angry Birds or something. Kaitlyn's facing Aksana in a rematch from ME because that match needs to happen again for God knows what reason. Sure, they did a deal on SD, but that hardly warrants another match. Turns out it's just window dressing so AJ could come out with her theme, dressed as her, with bigger, faker boobs. Big E recreating his deal with her was great, but the rest of this just seemed mean spirited and unfunny. Then Cole talked about how SOCIAL MEDIA IS TALKING ABOUT THE WYATT FAMILY WITH TERMS LIKE DISTURBING. Enough of that shit. And then he said that Henry deceived the WWE Universe...ugh.

The Henry recap vid was amazing, with clips of him winning the world title, ECW Title, lifting weights and then finally kicking ass after the "one more match" deal. Henry-Cena was hyped for the PPV, without a graphic. I wonder if they'll add some kind of retirement stip to that, or just keep it as-is since no one would believe the retirement after it was already teased. ON THE APP, you could watch Jericho smile. They came back and Ricardo did a wacky Southern accent with a great hyuck yuk bit and mocked the folks in SC. Dolph-Alberto was made for the PPV. Thank Christ he wasn't put in the MITB match. Hopefully they add Jericho to this since they've got him in the TV mix and nothing else on tap for him at the PPV. Jericho missed his springboard dive to the floor, leading to a knee injury for Alberto to exploit after the break.

During it, there was an ad for Despicable Me 2. I wonder how long it will take Vince to name a character "Ramsbottom." THE ALL-AMERICAN WWE MAGAZINE comes out tomorrow. Loved the enzuiguri to Jericho while Jericho was on the top rope. I love that now that Alberto isn't MR. MEXICO THE MOST MEXICAN MAN IN THE HISTORY OF MEXICO, he gets to wear the black and gold gear that matches the world title perfectly. Nice Northern lights suplex by Jericho - haven't seen him bust that out in a long time. Walls got countered and led to the swank basement superkick. Lionsault was countered with knees and led to an Omaplata into the armbar. He got to the ropes and then locked on the Walls. Bucket to the back saved Alberto. Then Dolph attacked Alberto while Jericho hit Ricardo...this felt like the exact same thing they've done before. Dolph then zig-zagged him, which they explained as being due to him being Codebreakered on SD. They really shouldn't showed that before this.

Brad talked about having a 2K setup in the ring, while Vickie talked about...stuff, then Hunter showed up talking about the Bryan-Orton deal. She's apparently cancelled the match, but HHH WANTS THE WWE UNIVERSE TO HAVE THE CHOICE OF WHAT KIND OF MATCH IT WILL last week. Oh, and HHH mocked Maddox for wearing a girly shirt. WWE 2K14's cover is going to be shown next, and despite NOTHING AT ALL BEING SHOWN ON THE GAME, it's apparently already being called the greatest sports game in history. And Sheamus's 1-800-Fella saved a kitty in a tree via Brogue Kick, then Benny Hill-style music played when the old lady wanted Sheamus.

AJ played with wrestling buddies to hype WWEShop, and King's out to talk about the 2K14 cover contest for the game. That cover will be on the reverse side - a first for the series. King fucked up the name as WDoubleOE, and then Vickie got nuclear heat announcing Bryan-Orton's stips. Vickie has also designed her own cover for THE 2K14. Hers was just the McMahons, while Brad's was himself, Cena, and Punk. This led to Cole rattling off Wikipedia facts about the Rock. This was amusing with Brickie, and then got generic with the Rock reveal. Ryback walked backstage and he'll be out next.

They made sure to remind you that he lost at the PPV. Ryback's opponent will be IT'S THE HISTORIC 1,048'S EPISODE OF RAW! And Khali is dominating the match to start...why? JUST HAVE RYBACK HIT A CLOTHESLINE ON HIM. BOOM, THAT'S IT! I watched Goldberg squash Glacier recently on 24/7 and they didn't give Glacier, a one-time name guy jack shit. He got speared and jackhammered, that was it. Instead, they had Khali do stuff while Ryback just got him up for the Shellshock and marched for the win. Cena talks about Henry's attack NEXT!

WWE bragged about SD being more socially active than 20/20. I'm astonished that's still a show. I stopped watching when Stossel left. Cena talked about THE MEMBERS OF THE WWE UNIVERSE WHO KNOW THE WWE AND KNOW THAT HE HOLDS THE WWE CHAMPIONSHIP! Cena rambled on about guys being WWE Champion and how even if you've held it for 8 years like Bruno, or 1 night like Rey...who he beat for the title after Rey WON A TOURNAMENT to get it, it means something. Also, MEN HAVE CRUMBLED UNDER THE PRESSURE OF THE WWE UNIVERSE. Especially the ones in XXXL Cena shirts. He just keeps talking. Words. Something about Henry not having a legacy without holding the WWE what? They showed a video earlier tonight showing he has a legacy without it. AWW DIZAMN, HE DONE SAID IT'S THE MIDDLE OF WHOOP-ASS SEASON! Henry killing him during this would've made him the biggest face on Earth. They showed a great new RVD vid showing him destroying guys who were either dead, retired, or TNA.

Triple threat tag deal is up with a Hurricane Sandy auction winner dancing with Tons of Funk. Scotty's an EMT, a former member of the Texas House of Reps. and has more charisma than most guys on the roster, and better-looking gear than the Gut Check guys. It's TOF vs. 3MB vs. THE USOS. US-O! What are the odds the Usos win and then one of them gets another wellness failure? Brodus plumetted off the apron onto 3MB. For once, JBL's flying sofa bit was true. Samoan drop>splash combo got the win for the Usos. The Shield came out for an awesome staredown and then they pimped the Call's DVD. This really helped the Usos come across as stars. They just replayed the Otunga-Halle-Kane bit for the DVD. It's still great.

Heyman's out and they replayed the Brock attack while talking about how Brock left the company again...when did they make that part of his post-ER story? They did it after Summerslam, but not then except for last week. For the first time, Heyman has ignored calls from Punk. He came out and some fat people bowed to him. Punk's growing a mustache to go with his mutton chops. They talked about Brock being there a lot, which makes me think they'll tease him, deliver Brock and do Axel-Punk at this month's PPV and Brock-Punk at Summerslam. He ran through the history of Punk and Heyman from OVW, which they really should've done at the start of this.

Punk said he's coming for Brock and while Brock is bigger and strong, HE ISN'T BETTER! Punk had great passion throughout this, but just kept talking and talking. Loved Heyman staring at the heavens after being told to tell the truth. Heyman was so great here saying he swore on his children that he didn't know Brock was there, as a fact, and also that Brock was done after ER, in fact, and that everyone wanted Punk gone. Now, the fans want Heyman gone JUST LIKE VINCE WANTED PUNK GONE, but Heyman wouldn't do it - HE LOVED HIM! Then they hugged and Cole talked about THE WWE.COM POLL! This went on for-fucking ever, but told a great story that will become a lot clearer in video packages with clips. D-Young is out for a match with...someone.

Wow, it's Punk-D-Young. They had the announcers sorta buy everything, with JBL citing the man swearing on his children and Cole saying that everything Heyman said was true and documented. JBL talked about frisbees, tennis, and rugby. Nice belly to belly from DY. DY got a lot of offense until Punk's healing factor activated and he hit the corning Shining Wizard. They had Punk tweak his knee, not do the GTS due to it, but DY hit the double-knee gutbuster for a nearfall. If they had that ever win a match on TV, it could've been a good moment for him. Vise won, but Punk got attacked by the PTPs before Axel A HEYMAN GUY came out. Heyman said there was no other way to save him - it was 2 on 1. I love them not showing all of their cards for this and making it predictable without it being predictable in a bad way.

Steph said the show "kept going on" and talked with Vickie about her not announcing the WWE Title MITB match participants. I was thinking about that when they showed the card was only 3 weeks away. They've yet to name ANYONE for any of the two MITB matches. War Games DVD hype, with not even 20 years = "nearly three decades." Bellas brought the ALL AMERICAN WWE MAGAZINE, with them in it. The one Bella's boobs are comparably massive. STEPH, THE RULER OF THE QUEENDOM came out. Steph knocked Vickie, and exposited about. The. Money. In. The. Bank. Punk, Bryan, Sheamus, Or-ton, Christian, Kane, and RVD will be in it. She did the RVD thumbs and then Vickie did wacky pre-taped comedy with Maddox while Ryback talked about BEATING CENA at the PPV and only losing due to a cheap ambulance roof. RYBACK DESERVES BETTER! Then Jericho talked about why he should be in the MITB match and not Mr. Back. At MITB, it'll be Mr. Back vs. Jericho. Vickie made this so incredibly annoying with her shrieking. Jericho was glorious though.

Punk bitched to Paul about him sending someone to help him from kicking his ass. Punk's a bit of a prick. Next week, it will be Heyman and Axel against the PTPs, which angered Punk for some reason. They talked about the Bryan-Orton deal from before, which is good because I've forgotten about it due to the sheer amount of stuff on the show. Henry came out to talk about the ruse from last week and recapped Cena's promo about how Henry insulted guys who made REAL retirement speeches like Flair. HE SAW YA CRY, and cuz of it, he's been nominated for an Academy Award. Tarantino and Spielberg want him, as does...Tyler Perry!? That's great, BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT! THAT'S NOT WHAT I DESERVE! He certainly deserved better than to be in a Tyler Perry movie, can't argue with that. EVERYONE WANTS AN APOLOGY, but he isn't gonna give ya one. Henry's Whitey McWhiterson voice rules. He got whatted and was glorious throughout this. Loved him shaking his hand to show the fans as puppets, and he did indeed tell his wife he's coming home...AS WWE CHAMPION! And he knows he looks good - it ain't no Men's Wearhouse suit. Then Cole talked about the Wyatt Family in more generic terms that are coming dangerously close to taking the edge off the group before it hits TV.

Alberto's going to celebrate his title win on SD, and they showed an awesome graphic for the Dublin street fight. Bryan-Orton will be....a street fight. King talked about this being "deja vu all over again", isn't that what deja vu is? Bryan's plancha was met with a chairshot to lead to a break. Cool-looking spot, but it felt like a waste of a chair to the head spot. ON THE APP, Orton backdropped Bryan on the ramp from the floor. I love doing that spot in DoR 2...when it's not a real person taking a dangerous bump on steel. Bryan killed him with death on the corner dropkick. Seated version was countered with a chair throw to anything that would possibly stop him.

Bryan tried to send Orton through a table with dropkicks on the apron, but two of them didn't do it, so he slid out and POWERBOMBED HIM OFF THE APRON THROUGH A TABLE! For some reason, IN A STREET FIGHT, Bryan needed to get Orton in the ring for the win. Bryan got a kendo stick and alternated between a right-hand shot with that and left kicks to the arm. Bryan was sent through the...very bottom of the table with an exploder in an underwhelming spot. Back and forth punch exchange got a yes/no reaction. Missile dropkick was countered with a sick powerbomb from Orton. Huge thud there. Orton busted out MOUNTED PUNCHES after that couldn't get the job done, but it opened him up to the No Lock. Orton got the stick and got out of the move. Then he beat the shit out of him with it in any position he could. Draping DDT hit. More kicks led to another No Lock and the stick got involved again, but Bryan grabbed it and used it to hold the No lock in place AND WIN VIA SUBMISSION! THIS RULED. This might've been even better than their SD match. And I liked the handshake at the end. There's no reason to turn Orton heel right now since they've got something special with their chemistry as opponents in a friendly rivalry.


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