Thursday, June 27, 2013

TNA Impact 6-27-13

The final Impact of June has a fairly unique hook to it - TNA spoiling some of its own original content to get you to watch the Suicide imposter saga play out. In doing so, they revealed a title change, a future title match setup, and seemingly gave away too much before the show. Pre-show hype after Tattoo Nightmares involves someone new joining the MEM tonight, because it just wouldn't be Impact without new dudes joining factions. Okay recap of AJ-Joe, and I didn't notice this until now, but Brooke's bright green phone cover looks ridiculous.

Sting's out with a dark grey jacket/pants and light grey shirt combo that looks awesome. This getup takes years off of his looks, although he is helped quite a bit by keeping most of his hair. I enjoyed the new MEM theme last week, but hearing it back to back with Sting and Angle coming out made it seem really generic. Angle's pinstripe suit is awesome. He's talking about the former world champ rule, so it seems like they'll keep that going here. I guess Roode could join up, which wouldn't be a bad move since he's also against the Aces and his heel act has worn a bit thin. Okay, these close-ups of Sting aren't doing him any favors. There's a really silly skinny dude behind Tenay and Taz in a white MMA-style shirt making wacky faces. Joe-Anderson is up later and the X Division 3 way is next. They recapped Sabin's win with an excellent showcase of the Ultimate X match and brought up cashing in the gold for a world title shot. Then the Aces jumped him and Bully buried "the little X Division guys" and they threatened him. Anderson stroked his hair, which was weird.

Taryn's ass was highlighted nicely in the KO ad. Adam Ohrider, the Big O, is in Gut Check tonight. Nothing about his story seems particularly compelling, but he's a giant jacked up dude with tattoos, looking like a pale Batista. Taz, a member of the Aces, DOESN'T TRUST GUYS IN MASKS! Kenny King's Twitter handle still has ANX in it. Sabin came out and they talked about the cash-in deal that worked out perfectly for Aries a year ago. Nice atomic drop into a Trouble in Paradise from Kenny. DON'T FORGET TO FOLLOW DIXIE ON TWITTER! Kenny King did Suicide's hang onto the ropes bit to mock him and was dropkicked for his trouble. Plancha onto both guys got an ad break for Sabin.

Nice basement dropkick to both guys from Sabin in the corner. VINTAGE Tower of Doom from King. Hail Sabin got 2, and was interrupted by Suicide. Pumphandle Codebreaker was avoided by King. Royal Flush was countered into a cradle and wonky pin with...sort of a 3 count. And then held the rope right at 3...that was odd. Hogan's out with TJ Perkins, who I never thought would be on-screen with Hogan. TJ has apparently been Suicide forever, was beaten up, and now Suicide has to unmask. Way too much stuff going on with this. They went from Sabin's journey, to Suicide's identity being revealed as someone who hasn't really been on TNA TV as TJ in ages, to a mystery beating.

I'm all for TJ getting a regular role on TV, but I think the Suicide character is the best way to do that unless they bring back the Puma gimmick. As just TJ, he looks really plain and after Bully's burial of the division earlier, the division doesn't need more plain-looking dudes in it. They recapped the deal with Suicide, which is good because it at least makes this seem important. Hogan's giving Newicide a chance to unmask tonight or...else...something bad will happen. Ryan Howe, the second Gut Check dude is a musician and looks like a trimmer Van Hammer. He's at least able to play the guitar on his way to the ring and has a star look to him. Taz mentioned that same thing and wondered if he got better. How comes off like a star. Big O's baby blue and yellow gear looks terrible. Howe looks like how York should look, fairly slim but still jacked. Sadly, he looks 200 pounds lighter than Big O. Big O won an okay match that was treated like death from the crowd. There's nothing with him that they don't already have with Big Rob. Kurt and Sting met with someone in the club room, and the KOs title match is next.

Roode-Magnus gets hyped up a bit with a graphic. Bully met with TJ and said he's a good little wrestler and he's curious about if Kurt or Sting put him up to this. Bully is awesome here at playing the paranoid heel champ. They recapped the saga of Velvet's knee injury, where her knee felt like it, like exploded. This had too much of Velvet acting, but I never noticed her new back/shoulder tat. Christy's hard nipples introduced Velvet. Mickie came out while Taz SANG HER THEME! Mickie apologized to Velvet for being vicious, but she's just sorry that they were friends when Velvet was champ, but now that she's champ, they just aren't bestest buddies anymore and that's just too goshdarned sad for her. ODB counted 2 for Mickie, then grabbed her tits for whatever reason. Mickie stomped Velvet in the corner, leading to a revealing ass-shaking camera angle. Tenay hyped up THE TNA WORKOUT APP!  Mickie did some leg work that was no-sold so Velvet could do things resembling clotheslines thrown by 10 year olds. Then Mickie went to the floor for a breather but got hit with a terrifying multiple revolution spinning headscissor where Velvet covered her head at all costs. Then she sold her knee. Mickie got a 2 for the DDT, then hit her wacky STF for the win. Outstanding closeup of Mickie's tits and ass after the win, and I loved her pointing to the gold. Christy's tits interviewed Velvet, who got you tapped out chants and acted poorly. Another recap of the Suicide deal. Also, the MEM deal. They were backstage and Roode walked by, teasing him later.

Hogan met with the wacky-shoes ref and told him to find Suicide and tell him if he didn't unmask, he would strip him of the title. Magnus and Roode are out and Taz is thankfully not singing, but instead talking about the Super Mario logo on Magnus's gear. They're exchanging some chinlocks and other stuff. Giant swank flying elbow from Magnus gets two. Fisherman suplex countered into the Mag Driver for what should be a big win since it's over a former world champ, but didn't feel like one even with Tenay hyping it up. It would've been better if it was built up before with some issue between the guys. GunStorm is out next.

Chavo, Robbie, and Jesse were nearly jumped by the Aces. What a random grouping of people together. This was goofy, especially with Howe's theme playing in the background because that's when they taped it and didn't bother to edit the music out. Storm talked about his chemistry experience involving booze and women before Jesse, Tara, and Robbie came out. James Storm, former world champ, is involved with this. Team Goofball's name is BroMans, which led to nine billion Bromance references. Then Storm called Tara a butterface. And then Gunner cheapshotted Jesse. The faces were dicks here. Sting and Kurt discussed Suicide and how many they need to talk with him. Joe-Anderson is up next.

They hyped up Hardcore Justice 2, which is certainly an odd numbering scheme since it isn't an ECW-only reunion show. They basically showed a bunch of the cameos in the preview, and it's not like many of these guys work well in full matches, so I don't see this doing too well. Anderson came out in his silly-looking getup. The match began as all Joe matches should - TONS AND TONS OF ASS-KICKING, mostly in the corner. They teased a Mic Check on the announce table, but instead, Ken threw him back-first into the apron. Loved a fan yelling YOU SUCK at Taz and getting a response from him. Knux and Doc came down and distracted Joe for a DDT that got 2. STING AND ANGLE RAN down and took Doc and Knux out. Sting actually had some pep in his step here. Joe got the choke and the 10 points. Then he celebrated with Kurt and Sting and joined the MEM while making the MEM hand sign in the silliest ways possible. Suicide's reveal is next because it involves Hulk Hogan.

Joe accepted their suit, and then Sting and Angle did the Men's Wearhouse slogan. Hogan said that Impact was going to be ALL ABOUT THE NEW X DIVISION CHAMPION, so apparently, it revolved around Sabin losing the title. Hogan talked about slamming giants and chopping mountains with the edge of his hands, and being Sheiky Baby for the world title. Somehow, this all ties into the X title deal. Then he made a Who Wants to be a Millionaire joke. Amazing. Bully's out to demand the mask, just like in the pre-show spoiler vid. Bully took credit for the title win since he scared Sabin, and then basically said he's scarier than God. Then they had Suicide use Bully's do you know line against him, and reveal that HE'S THE MAN WHO BEAT BULLY A YEAR AGO! The Aries reveal was outstanding.

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