"Jackass" is now something that needs to be muted in video packages. Wow. Nice emphasis on the Shield match from Raw, although once again, things from last week's SD aren't played up as important even on SD. Miz's ALWAYS CONTROVERSIAL TALK SHOW starts the show. Miz looks like he should play the Grinch. They had Miz say the Shield has never been beaten in a 6-man tag, so despite them bringing up the loss to Cena on Raw by DQ, it now no longer exists. Orton, THE STAR OF THE ACTION-PACKED 12 ROUNDS RELOADED, AVAILABLE NOW, came out. Sadly, he didn't just start things by RKOing Miz. Bryan cut a nice heartfelt promo and then Miz talked about Bryan's beatdown of the Shield on SD. And then he called him a goatfaced vegan troll. KICK HIM PLEASE! Then Orton talked about them being in crazy town and Miz played dimestore shrink for a little while. Kane as the voice of reason and Bryan as the crazy guy ruled, everything else was just tiresome. Especially Miz, whose REALLY, REALLY!? bit sucks. Teddy came out after this to (hopefully) make some sort of holla holla tag match. He'll team with Orton against the tag champs, and Teddy is in a boss vertically-striped white suit. Axel-Jericho is up next instead of a top of the hour main event match. Ouch.
WWE DVDs are sports again since they've got 7 of the top 10 spots. Heyman came out and talked about Axel getting two victories in a row over Cena, which begs the question of why isn't he getting a PPV title shot instead of Ryback, who did NOT beat Cena during their last match and lost his prior PPV match. And the one before that. And the one before that. And the one before that. HEYMAN IS ON COMMENTARY! YAY! Heyman brought up Axel's method of victory not mattering because when Mayweather wins, it doesn't matter if it's by KO or decision. It does matter if you're Jon Fitch though. Draping neckbreaker is something new from Axel. Chinlock led to the break. Nice back and forth match - easily the best showcase for Axel yet since it was against a major guy and he was the focal point. Walls made Heyman panic. Axel won with a fluke cradle after a Punk fakeout from Heyman. So why even have Axel win then? The replay showed Axel winning via distraction cradle...so he got a Hurricane-level win over Rock here.
Alberto's out to face Heath for some ungodly reason, but he taps him without a match happening. Ricardo did a wacky dive onto 3MB leading to JBL saying he never saw Bruce Buffer do that. I'm sure Bruce Buffer invented that move. Probably saved Jon Jones' life with it a few times too. Kane and Ryback had a meeting of two big dudes in black and red acting badly. Kane's wacky reaction to "Ryback rules" was great.
Ryback-Kane was a match. Ryback lost via powerbomb through a table, which was impressive and a video on his rampage is up next. Recap of last week's glorious Sandow-Sheamus deal - HE'S A MAGICIAN, THERE IS NO END TO HIS TALENTS! Mr. Sandow has bested Sheamus for weeks due to his brilliance AND NO MAN CAN EQUAL HIS BRILLIANCE! Also, the Nassau Community College grads here are merely checker minds in a chess world! Mr. Sandow will take on Deep Blue. Damned computer is entirely too talkative, resulting it it needing to be silenced by Mr. Sandow. Sheamus, the hooligan, prevented him from even playing with the computer. Sheamus, wearing a giant BROGUE KICK shirt, feels he can beat the computer with one move. I love this kind of predictability. JBL's mind was boggled by Sheamus bringing up Atari. After he kicked the computer, Sandow was forced to use his mic on him to prevent further damage to technology. He also bonked his back against the table a bunch. Sandow came off like a threat here for the first time in ages. Orton met with Bryan to exposit about Kane being injured by Ryback. I find it impossible to believe that this man is a lead in an action movie.
OH SWEET JESUS THE MIZ IS ON COMMENTARY. And he instantly makes the Wyatt Family seem slightly less amazing. Fandango's out with Summer Rae - the new pink and black attack. Looking forward to seeing Fandango win some gold at the PPV. Miz got on Lilian for not saying Fandango's name correctly, then screwed it up himself. Ryder's out to get killed by the dancer in his hometown. Poor fucker. And Miz is rattling off my DID YOU KNOW FACTS about the IC Title. I did love his line about making Fandango taste the rainbow. Powerbomb counter to the Rough Ryder looked vicious, and legdrop got the win. It feels like a step back to have him emphasize the name bit again - he should be past that now and they should just say it properly. Apparently the Ryback rampage deal is up next, instead of before - should be fun. Total Divas trailer is amazing with all the silly sound effects added to moves.
They gave Meredith Whitney's book a full graphic plug - that's a bit surprising. The Ryback beatdown vid had some cool video filters on it. Cena's neon green/yellow shoes on Raw really made the video seem a bit ridiculous given that Ryback's yelling about being Satan. Only pins and submissions in the lumberjack match - so I guess this won't end on a countout like an Abrams-booked one. Nattie met with Kaitlyn's enormous tits backstage to discuss her stalker next to a Joker-colored box. Kaitlyn was offended by Nattie implying that the guy could be a creep, which of course naturally led to the Shield coming out to kick ass. Good God were Kaitlyn's tits on display. Very un-PG getup. Orton and Bryan are coming out after the break.
Nice hype vid for Dolph - they're basically building the show around his return after his promo earlier. Orton did his pose and Bryan got a huge pop coming out. I loved JBL as the only sane man talking about how obvious it was MizTV would fall apart with a guy who hears voices, a guy with an inferiority complex, and a monster out there. JBL talking about Bryan already being nutty for being a vegan with a dog named Asparagus was fairly valid. Reigns' Superman punch and Rollins enzuigiri were shown ON THE APP. Reigns nearly got hurt doing that weeks ago, it's a major part of his offense, and it's relegated to the app. I love the hot tag cam that is just used for Bryan's tags. Rollins got taken out with a clothesline, but he still did all he could to hold onto Orton. Hot tag led to the flying dropkick a new spot - double chest kicks, a duck under for a buzzsaw on one side, so he did it on the other. EXCELLENT addition to things. Tremendous plancha - Bryan's comebacks are easily the hottest parts of WWE TV now. Diving headbutt got a two. Accidental giant corner dropkick was ducked leading to Orton getting hit, while Ambrose's interference prevented a tap for the No Lock. Wild ground and pound from Ambrose there. Orton RKO'd Bryan and it felt less like a heel turn and more like him being a dick - about a .5 on the Sheamus scale.
Screens -
I GOT A PIN! I GOT A PIN!
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