Friday, June 14, 2013

WWE SD 6-14-13

Jericho-Big E came off like a big deal thanks to the opening vid. Holy crap, the PPV is only in two days. Tag title match feels important, while the U.S. Title match feels like something on the card. I loved how Bryan worked both YES and NO logically into the promo and putting over his title wins over the past year or so. I loved them having a wacky breakup and Bryan calling Kane the weak link. Orton being fine with Kane chokeslamming Bryan...except for it hurting his match on Sunday ruled too. The Shield taking pride in causing this disarray was good too. This didn't set up anything new, but was an awesome use of 12 minutes anyway. Sheamus is walking around backstage, preparing to come out and be an asshole.

Or to face Cesaro, who sadly got no intro and even did the generic jobber hand raise. I love Sandow-Sheamus getting more and more build now that it's a pre-show match. Also dug Sandow putting Cesaro over as a man who knows five languages. At least someone's trying to put him over. Cesaro and Sheamus done hit each other hard. Twas great. Zeb cut a promo ON THE APP...and they just showed him pointing. I sure hope the app has him saying words aloud. Sheamus's style is now "catch as catch can". Maybe that's Texas for clubberin. Cesaro was taken out with a nice shot into the barricade leading to an ad break. They came back with some body blows and Cole called a basic Bret Hart backbreaker was now the Irish Curse. Zeb feels that both Cesaro and Renee are the "good kind" of immigrants. So he's now basically a slave-owner who approves of his negros as long as they don't cause problems. JBL suggested they have this match in a phone booth. I've seen a shark cage match, and it was awful. Then again, it also involves Strongbow.

Sheamus's shoulder is covered in blood, which explains why the ref had gloves on when they came back. OUTSIDE-IN IRISH CURSE BACKBREAKER got two. I love that spot and demand it be featured in the games from now on. Modified version of Sean O'Haire's WWE finisher slam got two, but seemed really impressive due to how big Sheamus is. Brogue kick got the win. This vastly exceeded my expectations since I figured Cesaro would just be squashed. Somehow, Sheamus OVERCAME THE ODDS. How that happened in a straight-up one on one match with no interference I have no idea. Sheamus paid too much attention to the ring and not enough to his surroundings, as Sandow was able to sneak up and attack him from behind on the ramp. Gorgeous shots of Punk are building up a return hype vid, and would look way cooler without the giant NEXT graphic on them.

Bray Wyatt is going to be something else when he hits TV. According to Cole, TWO OF THE WORDS THE WWE UNIVERSE IS USING TO DESCRIBE THE WYATT FAMILY ARE UNSETTLING AND INTRIGUED. Less bullshit like that and more vids. Punk video ruled. THE BEST IN THE WORLD RETURNS on Sunday. Shame it's a day after a UFC show. Teddy got a call in the HARDEES BACON CHEESE THICKBURGER control center, but was interrupted by Dolph's posse. Big E ate his burger and he was sad. Not sure why he didn't just eat the other burger on the table, or why he acted surprised seeing A COMPLETELY PREPARED MEAL in the room he was in. Maybe the burger fairies made it appear out of thin air or something. Khali wrestles next. Also, there's a Last of Us ad, which is far better than any Khali match not involving Finlay or Cena.

Slater's facing Khali, and Drew's new wacky baseball shirt rules. Slater being in designer jeans is a nice change, and Cole talking about how hard things are for Khali was sad. He has to buy himself three seats to fly. At least Vince is helping him make as much money as possible before he has to retire. Kane and Bryan are having a muted argument ON THE APP. I'm not sure what's worse - muting the audio so it doesn't detract from TV, or not muting it and making it so you can't hear what's supposed to make you want to watch the app. Thanks to some help and a reverse DDT, Slater won. Holy shit. Alberto/Jericho vs. Big E/Dolph is up next.

Dolph's concussion was brought to us in replay form by Hardee's. It's great that WWE has this money rolling in, but good lord they come off like TNA did during the BROUGHT TO YOU BY MORPHOPLEX era. Lilian's now introing Ricardo introing Alberto, which is getting the ALBERTTOOOO part over to a variety of balding middle-aged men. They added in some terrible ADR hyping up Nikki Bella being a judge on some pageant on NBC this weekend. Dolph is also on the JBL and Cole show on WWE's Youtube show. I liked JBL bringing back the idea of Big E wanting the gold, and saying he didn't become one of the top power-lifters without having a big ego. Jericho going for chops on Big E seems like it should be sold like a headbutt on a Samoan. Nice bodyblows by Big E. Heels bailed from the faces to lead to a break.

Wedge E. was taken out with a baseball slide from dropkick. Terrible ADR job plugging some article. Massive leaping bodyblock from Langston took Jericho down. Rude Awakening, complete with hip swivel, got 2 for Dolph. Alberto's stolen Orton's clothesline>clothesline spot, but with a tilt a whirl backbraker instead of a powerslam. Dolph took about three bumps for the backbreaker. Alberto cradled Dolph to win the tag match, so he's not winning on Sunday. Chicago is ONE OF THE BEST WWE UNIVERSE TOWNS according to JBL. Good lord. I hated that phrase when Punk said it on Austin's last DVD, and it's still terrible. Kaitlyn's cleavage is ready for action next.

But first, THE WWE APP HAS BEEN DOWNLOADED SIX MILLION TIMES. And Jericho needs to talk with Renee Young about Punk. He talked about his WWF debut in Chicago, so it won't be as pro-Punk as some may think. Heyman offered a handshake, which was declined. Loved him saying good luck, and saying that Jericho will in fact need it...before SHOUTING THAT CM PUNK IS THE WINNER OF THE MATCH AND THE BEST IN THE WORLD! Aksana's sax music showed her as the opponent, while Big E's humilation of Kaitlyn was replayed. Kaitlyn girl-slapped the ref, who was terrified and then she got DQed for a hard slap. This was hilarious, and the close-ups of Kaitlyn's lips were terrifying. Five millionth recap of the Ryback-Cena deal. I cannot wait for this feud to end so it will just be over. Ryback calling himself Satan just reminds me of South Park's version, since he's impossible to take seriously. His promo are hilarious, and he gets title shots by either losing or not winning major matches.

Curtis Axel's match is sponsored by Hardee's. This product placement deal has to go. "The Undefeated" Curtis Axel faces a mystery man next. Him using Lashley's intro pose doesn't seem to fit him at all. The SUPER BACON SLAM presents a video showing Miz beating Cody and Axel being brought in to build up the IC Title match. Holy shit, WADE BARRETT, THE IC CHAMPION got a jobber intro. DID YOU KNOW THAT THE HARDEE'S BACON THICK BURGER HAS SIX STRIPS OF BACON, THAT'S BACON IN EVERY BITE! This is truly ridiculous. I liked Barrett appealing to Heyman's business side to avoid facing Axel tonight. Goddammit, Miz is out with a mic. Miz took this Hardee's-presented match as a chance to plug Starbucks and make jokes with a lisp before breaking into a Homer-esque FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT. It is absolutely impossible to like Miz's character. They talked about how great it would for Axel to win the IC Title on father's day. AWESOME story there. Shame they're telling it when he's a heel. Axel won with the not-McGullicutter, before getting hit with the Finale from behind. Barrett came off as such a jobber there. DID YOU KNOW THE WWE UNIVERSE REFERRED TO THE WYATT FAMILY AS UNSETTLING!? Another great Wyatt vid aired. They're coming - time to run from the eater of worlds. The videos rule, but having Cole do his forced bullshit hurts the build. YAY SHIELD IS OUT TO BE AWESOME! A very cute brunette jumped up and down when Ambrose was in front of her. GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY, THIS MATCH IS BROUGHT TO US BY HARDEE'S. Fucking hell.

Babyfaces got no intro beyond the crowd yelling YES constantly. I'm fine with that. Cole oddly talked about the "storyline of this match" and JBL pointed out how it's the exact same each and every time. Nice dragon sleeper from Ambrose led to knees to the face as a counter. Babyfaces in peril lead to an a break. An outstanding Punk-Jericho video aired that made it seem truly epic - it was aided quite a bit by lacking any logos on it. JBL oddly talked about the Shield breaking Team Hell No they were in a match with them. Cole hyped up the Shield taking out the Rock, while JBL brought up Taker not being seen since they destroyed him.

Sideslam from Kane got a 2 - as noted by a fan with a giant 2 sign. Bryan got the tag and beat the fuck out of everyone. Double dive onto the champs, then he dropkicked Rollins TWICE in the corner - once standing and the other with him against the middle ropes. MMA elbows prevented Ambrose from knocking Bryan off the top, where his diving headbutt missed. Bryan appears to have a scar on his chest now. RKO countered into the Reigns spear. Spear to Kane on the floor led to him getting chucked into the timekeeper's area where Ambrose was chokeslammed into. Then Rollins dove into an RKO>No Lock. This wasn't the Shield's best match, but holy crap did it ever come off like a big deal that the Shield lost. Every secondary title match that they're involved in feels like a main event level match with major importance, which is more than I can really say for the WWE Title match right now. Bryan is easily the hottest act in the company and the best in-ring babyface they've had since HBK retired.

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