Thursday, June 13, 2013

TNA Impact 6-13-13

I love catching the last few minutes of World's Wildest Police Chases just for the INCREDIBLE INDIGNATION the narrator has towards criminals. Last week, MOVIE STAR AND MMA ICON made his debut. Well, given what Spike's paying him, I can't blame them for treating him like the Rock. Also, it's the BFG series selection show and Bully's balls and Hardy's back got destroyed in last week's ladder match. Brooke also saved her hubby from being de-brained by Hogan. Speaking of which, Hulk Hogan is once again out to start the show instead of say, the MMA ICON AND MOVIE STAR. Hogan is really moving around well all things considered. Must be all the painkillers he's on for his hand. An act of God prevented Hogan from DROPPING THE HAMMER DOWN AND CHOPPING BULLY DOWN WITH THE EDGE OF HIS HAND. Tremendous. Superman is also in the BFG series, or Hernandez. Something about the last two winners of the series getting a bye, and Hardy also winning BFG...what? Taz is confused too, but yeah, he's giving Hardy a break here. Hogan's promo was far better than Hardy's. I like Hogan wearing red and yellow while Hardy's in neon yellow and red - good color combos on-screen. Hardy's earrings and shoes also match his shirt. Next week is OFN, and Hogan said FANS CAN TWITTER TO DO THE FIRST CALL-OUT between Hardy and Roode. Roode threatened to kick Hardy's ass, and Hardy wanted that now...that was meant to be intense but was just funny.

Thank the lord above, Bully is out to make some sense of things. I love Bully calling Hogan daddio. Not sure why Bully is confused about an Ace not being in the series - HOGAN HATES YOU FUCKERS, perfectly willing to give them a shot as long as they fight amongst themselves in a battle royal. Well, at least it wasn't a reverse battle royal and makes some sense since it will cause dissension in the group. Oh yeah, AJ-Angle is happening tonight - sweet. Storm and Gunenr face Bad Influence for TWO SPOTS in the series next. Gunner's beard frightens the elderly, BUT NOT BAD INFLUENCE! Daniels is playing piano and being awesome. It is impossible to not boogie to their theme, or enjoy the DANIELS IS MY HERO - SO IS KAZ signs behind them. Tenay brought back MISTER INTENSITY for Gunner. Needs to not do that again. Love Storm spinning the bottle in the air and still grabbing it rightside-up. Taz is discussing protein shakes here before a BFG series qualifier. At least he's not singing. TREMENDOUS snap fallaway slam from Gunner. Almost reminded me of Scott Steiner's backflipping version, only not quite that cool. That move really should be in a video game at some point. Super-fast 2 count from the wacky shoe ref against Gunner. Nice flying neckbreaker from Storm, and even with him in the ring, the fans are chanting for Gunner, who hit a headbutt that dazed him. I love that little touch. Loved the back stabber after shoving Daniels into Kaz. Tag belt shot from Kaz led to Storm being small packaged and pinned. Really good match with a finish that leads to a logical shot at the tag titles...which were then buried by Taz as meaning less THAN HAVING A CHANCE to get a guaranteed world title shot. Crimson was a dick to a cameraman who asked what he was doing here. It's been an entire year since he's been on TV. Wow.

Velvet Sky's cleavage has an envelope for Mickie. Crimson is out in what can only be described as cammo booty shorts for his gear in a BFG series match. Why is a guy who hasn't been on TV in a year able to vie for a title shot? And he's facing Joseph Park...WHY IS HE ABLE TO GET A POSSIBLE TITLE SHOT!? This should be wacky and fun even if the logistics of it make no sense. Crimson looks like a jacked-up version of Big Pete. Crimson kicked his ass, but got impatient waiting for him to get into position for a spear and hit the buckles and lost via schoolboy. Mickie talked to herself in the mirror and in the third-person. This gimmick rules.

Velvet came out, sadly in pants instead of her regular gear to make an announcement. Velvet's acting. Was terrible. Maybe she graduated from the Stephanie McMahon school of acting. Taz theorized that there could be a watch or bracelet inside this shapeless manilla envelope. Dr. Fabian Kaylin cleared her, but Mickie didn't believe it and said it looked like her knee was still hurt...due to her attacking it. Glorious attack, and it led to a slew of upskirts as Mickie wore panties underneath a see-through dress. Matt Morgan talked to the camera guy in his shiny gold undies. Sting couldn't pin him or make him submit, or make people care about Matt Morgan.

Morgan came out for a 4-way with Magnus, King, and Big Rob. Sad to see Magnus just be a dude in this unhyped match after being called a big deal not too long ago. Matt Morgan is about as red as an apple. Morgan and Terry did '80s big guy spots, leading to a WE WANT MAGNUS chant. King thew himself into orbit for a Rob Terry flapjack. Magnus' new long tights look great. Outstanding powerslam catch into a brainbuster on King from Magnus. Flying elbow would've gotten the win if Morgan hadn't broken it up. Parade of finishers led to Morgan being low-bridged and Magnus winning with a Michinoku driver - so glad he won this. Sting talks next in the big top of the hour segment.

EY shilled his show, and he's going to try to get into the BFG series against Aries. And then they hyped up Rampage with an amazing video. He came off like the icon they portrayed him as at the start of the show. The same Sting-Bully recap vid from after the PPV aired. Sting sauntered out in black and blue gear with his black and red shirt. Loved Sting using the word DECEPTION in his promo since it reminded me of his RVD promo with that written on the belt...on tape. Sting is pissed at there being no one else to help him, BUT HE DOESN'T MIND! And he needs his own family...A NEW MAIN EVENT MAFIA. Sting cut yet another great promo here and really made the MEM seem like a big deal. The Main Event Mafia name is also pretty damned awesome too. Naturally, after a Sting promo, Spike runs an Enzyte ad.

Replay of Sting's promo promising the end of the Aces at the hands of the MEM. ODB came out with EY, who was constantly having his ass smacked. They also plugged his show a ton and showed clips including one with EY being star-struck at ODB, FROM SPIKE TV'S IMPACT WRESTLING. This was cute. She referred to them being KOs champs, them not defending them, and her still wanting some damned fried chicken. EY's blue and yellow gear looks good and I like him impersonating Aries' wacky mannerisms. TNA will be in Louisville on 7-18, which means there's an Impact show on my birthday - sweet. They broke up wrestling with EY taking ODB down after an ass-slap and riding her. In theory, Aries being in a comedy match shouldn't work since he's a semi-main event act, but he's silly enough at times to make this work just fine. Tenay was baffled by Taz's comparison of EY's beard to Cheez Whiz. EY is working his ass off here, while Aries did a Flair flip over the ropes, got knocked off the apron and planchad by EY. This is greatly exceeding my expectations. Aries crotched EY to ODB's displeasure, knocked his beard off with the corner dropkick and dropped him with the brainbuster. This was outstanding stuff.  The Aces met in their arena lair, and Doc is resistant to just throwing it. And then he belched at Devon. Well, that was different.

Sabin cut a decent promo about how he might've been able to be X champ last year and cash in the title for a world title shot, and now, he isn't so sure if he'd do that. Garett's designer stubble really adds to his douchey look. DOC and Morgan appear to tan at the same part of the sun. Anderson Hogan YOU'D Wes and Garett out of the ring. Deadly fingerpoke took Knux out with a really impressive backflip bump to the floor. Anderson asked Devon to get the tables, AND BY GOLLY, IT SENT HIM OVER THE TOP. This is both ridiculous, and yet awesome since everything largely ties into the gimmicks of guys whenever possible. Seems a bit like a farce with the fans chanting this is awesome, and it kills the idea of them being badass bikers. Doc refused to just step over, so at least they're FINALLY doing something to set him apart from the pack. He hit a big flurry, and got a decent pop for it, so of course a simple knee to the gut was enough. Other than it just taking one fluke move to eliminate him, I dug the idea of this. Rampage and Angle met and cleared the air - Angle didn't mean any disrespect saying "when he's ready", and he wants him to do well in his Bellator debut, much like how Rampage wants him to do well against AJ. Good simple stuff here.

Turns out the Aces drew cards to determine that deal, and while Bully isn't happy with what happened, he understands Doc wanting to step up. Doc offered to make up for tonight's deal by taking out AJ tonight. They re-replayed the Sting deal - really putting that over as a huge deal without taking up much time. Take notes, WWE. Next week, THE FANS GET TO DETERMINE THE FIRST CALL-OUT, and I guess that means they get to grab a mic and talk. That seems like a really stupid thing to vote on, but at least it ensures a show-opening promo that doesn't involve Hulk Hogan. AJ's new theme is outstanding. I really liked Taz saying that while he's upset about AJ turning down the club, as a wrestling fan, he's still excited to see this match.

The traditional post-break chinlock brought the match back to AJ's advantage. Angle got dropkicked into the announce table, which looks terrible. Overhead belly to belly on the floor from Angle. AJ's look of agony from that ruled. Loved Taz talking about Angle winning an Olympic gold medal in Atlanta in '96. Dug the fans chanting during the triple German suplexes. Angle slam countered into a sick DDT. I'm enjoying this way more than the PPV match, and that could just be due to me digging the build for this (largely Angle-Rampage) more than the AJ-Angle stuff before, and Angle feeling like a bigger deal after the HOF and with the Rampage thing going on. Calf killer was countered into the ankle lock, which could've killed that move if it wasn't Angle countering it. Big TNA chant broke out. The run-up superplex was changed up into a run-up belly to back WITH AJ LANDING ON HIS FEET PERFECTLY. And then he did a DDT into the corner, sold as into the buckle but really just in the mat. Doc and Knux came out and tried to cost AJ the match, but it wound up giving him the win via fluke schoolboy. Other than that being done earlier by JOSEPH FREAKING PARK, this is fine. Rampage made the save for Angle by walking around and swinging the chain wildly. This was quite great and built to the future really well.

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