Monday, October 21, 2013

Raw 10-21-13

Between last week's awesome main event and reconnecting with a high school friend via Facebook tonight, I'm in a great mood before Raw. So let's see if a 20 minute opening promo can kill that. THE AUTHORITY will cut a promo to start Raw...goddammit! Same awesome video from SD on the tag title match opens up Raw. Hunter, who doesn't sell, because he's HHH and Steph are out. Their intro is broken up with clips of Show (still fired, getting tons of airtime) KOing Maddox. Now Maddox has a concussion. Today anyway. Bryan faces Ambrose tonight. Should be fun. Steph's "yer just jealous" almost won me over. Steph is looking pretty young tonight. HHH saying that YOU ALL CHOSE SHAWN MICHAELS BECAUSE YOU TRUST HIM doesn't bode well, especially with him saying he trusts him too. Big Show is live via satellite in front of a brick wall for some fucking reason. I guess he has a friend in production crew. Steph had the power to cut him off in 5 seconds, but not to prevent him from getting on the show to begin with.

Bryan-Ambrose is the opener. JBL mocked Cole for getting his facts about HHH from the Onion. JBL then said that Show must have friends in Anonymous after King said he must have pals in the truck. King's hyping up HIAC as a guarantee about the stip meaning NO INTERFERENCE! Then he talked about HBK in the first one...where he won via interference. Cole referenced the 15th anniversary of the Cell match between Mankind and Taker. Well, it sure will be the 15th anniversary, in June of next year. Bryan's main eventing the PPV and opening the free show, and God this crowd is dead. JBL mocked Cole for saying JBL is under contract to the Authority. JBL rightly busted his balls for that idiotic statement. Cole concluded that a loss tonight would be bad for Bryan before the PPV. Well, no shit. Ambrose and Bryan doing the double-crossbody smash perfectly. Buzzsaw kick ducked into a cradle, then the Yes lock for the win. Nothing wrong with this, but it was pretty by the numbers.

WWE HAS 20 MILLION FOLLOWERS ON TWITTER! Punk threatened to thrash Heyman inside the cell. Vickie met with The Authority next to a giant blue UPSTAIRS box. HBK met with HHH and Steph overpowered both of them on the phone. HBK sounds like Hunter's old, gay best friend. Steph talked about how NO ONE IS SURE how Big Show got on Raw. HBK said that he and Hunter did it all the time. Steph kept bringing up a fired man's name for some reason. HBK said they've grown up, but he hasn't, so he made a wacky noise and leapt around. Santino, Khali, and Hornswoggle came out dressed like the Kings of Wrestling - TNA version, not ROH.

HE'S NOTHING BUT A ROUND DOG! EATIN ALL THE TIME! JBL has earned his salary for a decade. It's Santino against Slater. Crowd gives zero shits about this. Cole said THIS IS ENTERTAINMENT as if Vince was yelling at him to say it. The cobra has an Elvis wig on. Kip up into the cobra for the win. This was really, really, really, really stupid and didn't amuse me anywhere near as much as it was meant to. Santino said there's only one King - Jerry. King danced with him on the table. Why King couldn't just work this match, I have no idea. The WWE Pruniverse chose to recreate Punk-Taker, with clips switching between his default gear and WM-colored stuff.

Recap of Show invading the Show via satellite. Dolph's out to face someone. Randy Orton, WWE Title an unannounced match... Cole read lines off a green sheet of paper to recap what happened on the app. Tremendous bump from Dolph off a ringpost shove from Orton. Jerry Lawler and the Elvis Cobra are trending worldwide. Exploder led to Dolph taking a crazy video game shoulder bump for it. VINTAGE NO MERCY T-BONE. Dolph, two-time world champ, winning would be a "big upset" RKO win for Randy. "John Cena's diary of persevernence." aired. AJ faces Brie at the PPV, and tonight, AJ and Tamina team up against the Bellas. Cole said THERE'S A GREAT READ ON WWE.COM about AJ, exactly like you'd hear in the games. Nikki's ass crack made its Raw debut. Brie's thong showed up a bunch, and she smacked Tamina with the big knee that actually hit and then got the X Factor on AJ for a win. So AJ retains. 30 Second Youtube Fury on the armbar. Sadly, they showed Alberto highlights and not Ronda Rousey ones. Usos face the Shield tonight for a shot at the tag titles - why would the Usos lose their shot through no fault of their own?  I was looking forward to the idea of a 3-way tag too.

Renee talked about Heyman, and showed the Big E turn from SD. He confronted Heyman on his promo. Mat Great vid on Bryan and HBK's history. Miz and Kofi face Rowan and Harper. Kofi hit the kick to Rowan on the apron, but ate the big lariat and lost. This was a match. The family tied Miz up and held his eyes open. Axel and Ryback came out and Cole pimped the anti-cancer campaign. Big E's out to face Axel. Match never got going as he got double-teamed. I sense a HOLLA HOLLA TAG. Big E did great and survived a cane shot, then Punk came out and bonked the heels with a cane. Vickie, who earlier was given the crap jobs of the night, made a holla holla tag. Sadly, she didn't offer to marry Heyman and Ryback after saying "with the power vested in me.". Punk's got his Bret homage gear on. Cole said the app was APP-solutely free. Loved JBL saying that King's just mad at Heyman because he shaved his head 20 years ago in Memphis. King said that mother nature shaved Heyman's. GLORIOUS! Ryback's legdrop needs a WEEEE GIF. Big E beat Axel with the Ending. Truth pimped merch and a promo code for the site.

Goldust faces Rollins on Main Event. I might actually watch the show! Fat guys face Real Americans. Recap of the bull attacking a war hero. THE BULL CUT AN INSET PROMO! Also, the bull fighters were there too. MONKEY FLIP FROM TENSAI! Finlay-esque seated senton from Cesaro. Zeb asked if WWE writes checks to Matador Uno or Dos. Cesaro swing on Brodus, ankle lock got the win. YES! Big E gets an IC Title shot on the pre-show. King pimped the Cena brawlin buddy. They aired a super-dramatic history of Cena video. Dude's been gone 2 months. They showed him beating Brock. This was the most rah-rah-rah Cena video ever. If there's ever a video package that can draw money, that was it. They replayed Alberto's great promo from SD on Cena. An AWESOME mashup of Goldust and Cody's themes hit. They'll do commentary for the Shield-Usos match.

Poor Cody has to follow Zeb. I hope he at least puts himself over here. Miz TV returns with Orton. I don't see that ending well for Miz. Crazy Taker dive STARTED the match. GLORIOUS flying elbow strike in the corner to Reigns on the top rope. JBL demanded that Cody start saying something with conviction. Cody said that he and Goldust were better than the Briscos. In neither case is that true. The Usos have the best pink gear of anyone on the roster. Earthquake powerslam from Reigns. Cody I think said something on commentary. Dude's super-quiet. Ambrose was disgusted by his commentary and attacked him. Mayhem broke lose and it's a double no contest. YAY 3-WAY! VINTAGE SHANE-O-MAC mounted punches from Cody. Contract signing is next.

HHH and Steph got a partial entrance while everyone else got full ones. HHH put over HBK gloriously. HBK adhered to the code of honor by shaking Bryan's hand. Bryan brought up Orton only being in the picture due to HHH. Oh yeah, the pedigree at Summerslam. It's impossible to believe this has only been going on for two months because it feels like it's gone on forever. Orton said words intensely. Bryan said words. HHH said that Jericho and RVD weren't THE GUY, and if they were, everyone would be working for Turner. They already started setting up Bryan-HHH in HHH's return. HHH said he'd only fight A+ guys. Sheamus is A+! HHH said that HBK wasted his time training Bryan, and HBK corrected him. Yup. As JBL said, he just took his money while Regal trained him. HBK misses the guy who played strip poker with him....Maybe he's jealous Hunter spends all of his time with Steph instead of with him. HBK backed up Bryan's goofy beard because he had one, and says that HHH's angry because Bryan keeps fighting and has proven HHH wrong. Bryan moved the table, then a big rig  driven by Show got into the building. Big Show is the one man able to rock a leather button-down shirt. Bryan got in a cheap shot. 

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