Raw 10-28-13

Before the show, they showed the HBK superkick and then Cole asked FIND OUT WHY HBK WILL BE HERE. Um...to talk about the superkick YOU JUST SHOWED!? Also, Cena will start the show and there's a fan with a Bryan beard pumpkin sign. Hilarious bit where Heyman is shown in pain while Cole says THIS MUST FEEL GOOD FOR PUNK! Ryback-Punk gets a rematch tonight, with a fan-approved stip. King said IT'S BEEN SO LONG SINCE WE'VE SAID THE CHAMP IS HERE. Yup. 2 whole months. "I'M BAAAAACCKKKK!" compete with a goofy facial expression. He's going off on JBL for saying he was coming back too soon. JBL mentioned it every now and then. Hardly enough to focus the promo around him. Also -  he was concerned for your safety, asshole. Oh, and Cena's apparently going to be working SD as well. John Cena looks a bit ridiculous cutting this intense promo in all-pink. Cena then laid out a challenge to Orton, and rapped. The Cenation runs the show. Sandow came out and said IT'S IMPOSSIBLE for Cena to be healthy. So yeah, he's losing. Sandow teased a cash-in, said he wouldn't, beat the arm to death with the case. Crowd's going crazy for Sandow here - well, relative to their usual reaction. He trapped the arm on the steps and smashed him with a chair. Ad break before the match began, but after the cash-in. Seems like poor timing.

AFTER the break, Cena's still in the ring and waiting for the cash-in to start while the ref asked him if he could fight.  Cole said Cena underwent surgery the day after Summerslam...so during Raw then?! Ad break after moves like elbows and a suplex. They came back with more arm work. He's got the Cenation pink armband underneath his protective gear. AA hits, but Sandow got to the floor. They're teasing a doctor stoppage. Doc asked him, and Cena just waved him off, and...the Doc just left. Terminoose got 2. You're Welcome countered for a 2. "You're Welcome" was a bad catchphrase and makes for a worse finisher name. Sandow debuted the crossface, which would make a far better finisher. Countered into an AA attempt, then the full nelson slam for a dramatic...2 count. "THIS IS AWESOME" was called the ultimate form of respect. Flying crossbody missed, giving Cena another obstacle to overcome and he did - after another AA. This started off iffy, but got really good. Shield promo in the back. Big E-Ambrose later. Love Ambrose putting him over by saying he'd buy stock in the guy - and that he's a human bulldozer. He said HE'S GOT THE ONLY TITLE IN THE SHIELD, leading to get a death stare from the other guys. DO NOT FUCKING BREAK THESE GUYS UP.

Punk-Ryback hype. What the fuck is the difference between a street fight and falls count anywhere match? Langston looks like a badass with the stitched-up wound under his eye. They went a few minutes before the other Shield guys cost him the match.  I'm astonished they didn't cost Ambrose the title. Maddox made this a holla holla six-man. Cole brought up Show by saying "Speaking of the Big Show...", which no one was doing. TREMENDOUS Terry Funk-esque selling of a kick from an Uso by Ambrose. He fell like a tree...slowly...onto his ass. Intense spinebuster from the Uso with double arm sleeves. DOUBLE SPEAR BY REIGNS gets the win. Holy crap. This was short but sweet. Reigns continued the death glare the win when they focused on Ambrose. HBK explains himself next.

Could Shawn have any more crap on his wrists right now? It looks like the back of a car with 1,000 bumper stickers. Loved the middle-aged Punk fan going crazy with a "you sold out" chant. HHH is his best friend AND THAT'S NEVER EVER GONNA CHANGE. Unless he sledgehammers him in the spine again. HBK made a great case for saving HHH because he was there for him in his darkest hour. You screwed Bryan chant broke out. Loved HBK getting pissed and calling him a little puke for refusing the handshake. He reached for it, teased it, THEN LOCKED IN THE YES LOCK! Then Coel blandly exposited everything. Cannot wait for the actual match though - should be awesome. Timing-wise, it feels like it should happen at Survivor Series, but seems like a waste until HBK's coming back as a semi-regular until WM. No more shots of the top of Shawn's head please. He'd better do that match before God takes his hair away. The Rock tops the top 5 superstars on Twitter.

Renee interviewed Bryan, but stopped when...the Wyatts video played. And then they beat him up. Goddamnnit. Now he's back to Team Hell No AND we're not getting HBK-Bryan at that show either. IT'S VEGA! TWO VEGAS! DOS VEGAS! They're out to face 3MB. Oh boy. At least Heath has a giant fish net with him. It's 2-on-3. Not like it'll matter. JBL kept going on about El Torito being kidnapped since they've got him in a different outfit. Heath's got some titties on him. Fire extinguisher to the face. Butt gore,  double something or other for the win. Heath got put in his own net, then hit with a TRIPLE SPRINGBOARD headbuttblock by the bull.  They showed the app tutorial - in case you have something with apps and don't know how to find or install them.

A silly Dolph-VOed ad about breast cancer awareness aired - I did like that it said to get screened, but the rest of this was too goofy for such a serious issue. Recreate WWE's most famous matches with Power Slammer figures...how? The figures just seem to spin around a ton. Brie's being forced to compete in a tag against AJ and Tamina by the Authority. TREMENDOUS bump by Brie off the top for Tamina. Brie's outfit is something out of Rumble Roses. Tamina struggling to get Nikki's tits overhead into a Samoan drop. Super-snug Black Widow for the win. Kane returns next against the Miz. Zero setup for this from the announcers.

It got a recap...after the break with stills from the PPV. FUCKING SERIOUS MIZ...in his pink shirt. Miz is either in pain or needs to take a shit."Miz is a former WWE Champion - HE'S NOT A WALK IN THE PARK!". Hilarious. Chokeslam after a couple of minutes of action. Well, that wound up being a walk in the park. Kane was blown up and demanded Steph come out. I can't wait for Dixie to get a knock-off of Steph's theme. Love Steph cutting a promo with Glenn Jacobs. "The Monster is Yours to Unleash.". That was hilarious. And then he just unmasked and she held it up like a severed head.

PTPs shilled merch. TO said that DY couldn't catch, then he held up a Divas title. Subtle. Free shipping with the promo code PTP. Otunga's site video aired - so I think he's a face now. Punk cut a promo on the Ryback match and didn't lead for any particular option. Results and the match after the break. Okay, there's no good reason Ryback's buckle bomb should look less damaging than Rollins' version. Flying elbow through the table into the vice. This was damn near a squash for Punk. Wyatts theme hits. YAY - team ROH vs. the Wyatts at the PPV! D'Arce choke by Harper. Punk got busted up, but had a brief comeback before eating Sister Abigail and the spinning lariat.

Real Americans came out to a nice pop and did their flag javelin routine. YES! They're facing the tag champs - hopefully this leads to a best of 9,000 series. Cole hyped up the VERY COMPELLING footage of...Goldust putting paint on his face. Massive Goldust chant to start the match. Goldust certainly...was a part of the Attitude era. Not sure opening the Rumble PPV in a nothing match in '98 counts as being an architect of the era. He was one BEFORE the era, but not much of one during it. This dark turquoise gear works well for Cody. Great joke from JBL about Zeb's hair growth getting black and white time lapse photography. I cannot wait for the inevitable Cesaro-Goldust match on Match Event/Superstars. These two have tremendous chemistry together. Flying...we'll be nice and call it a knee to Cesaro to set up a hot tag to Goldust. BLIND DIVE CROSS BODY OFF THE TOP FROM GOLDUST! TREMENDOUS close call with that, then the Patriot Lock, then a schoolboy. Knee clip led to the Lock again and a tapout! YES! VIVA LA REAL AMERICANS! Loved this match. A non-title win over the tag champs actually felt important.


175 MILLION pictures are viewed on WWE's site each month. Recap of the MITB cash-in match. Alberto came out and waved his flag before putting it back in its stand. Alberto demanded his rematch. He vowed to break the arm. He's not going to break the arm until he takes armbar lessons from Ronda Rousey. Great Goldberg-Undertaker clips from 2K14. His press slam>spinebuster is in! Summer Rae's out to face Nattie. On live TV. Hype vid for Cena on SD - good to see them hype something up for that show. Summer Rae's got a great act and is a perfect bitch character. Iffy-looking stuff, but I liked her stump puller even though it didn't look good. Nice to see that back. LOLed at the belly flop to the knee. Nice shot of her ass as Cole talked about her being a WW II buff. Lots and lots of yelling here. This may be the longest women's match on WWE TV all year. Distraction by the goofballs, and then Summer Rae re-did the "leave Khali and turn to Nattie" part of the finish before tapping to the Sharpshooter. I forgot about Orton's celebration - it's the main event! Total Divas ad. So...bitch and roleplay are fine on WWE TV, as long as they're clips from...another WWE TV show.

The whole roster is on the stage for the Orton celebration. Axel's out in his gear, so he can at least come out and second Ryback for a while. I would actually have Ryback defend the title as his surrogate to help rebuild him. HHH said a decade ago that Vince asked him who the future would be and he chose Orton. HHH took credit for Orton's success. TAKE THAT, FOLEY! Steph's tits are A+ tonight. They put him over and he spoke. His TIE-TLE defines him, and his voice is shot. Show's out. Roster's revolting against the Authority. We're fixing for Walkout 2.0. "And Cody Rhodes as well!". Poor fucker got "And Zoidberg"'d. Show grabbed a mic and said you can arrest him - he'll just have friends bail him out. And his lawsuit will cost them MILLIONS. HE'LL TAKE EVERY DAMN DIME! Show's got some really nice clothes for a dude with no money. Nice KO punch. God, it's a shame they're building up Show-HHH because that never winds up being good.Nice "Let's go Big Show" chant.

Screens -

FATALITY!