Thursday, October 17, 2013

TNA Impact 10-17-13

They're hyping up the Rampage doc. Dude pisses his bed and raps terribly. BOY WHAT A SUPERSTAR! They recapped Angle-Roode and Magnus being pissed that Sting won when he was unable to do so...after hitting both of his finishers. Dixie's back wearing tablecloth tops. Dixie has two goons carrying a cheap-looking briefcase that they might've gotten from a thrift store. Dixie is better than Michaelangelo CUZ HE DIDN'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH NO REDNECK AJ STYLES! The crowd is chanting for's nearly 50. No thanks. Dixie's threatening THREE DAYS BEFORE THE PPV, to take AJ out and replace AJ in the main event of the company's biggest show of the year. Goddamn how stupid is this. She's offering up fifty grand in Dixie Land fun bucks. I bet that buys you a lot of rides on the Dixie Train. MAKING PEOPLE RICH IS WHAT SHE DOES BEST! Hahahaha. Bully's voice is shot. Magnus came out. Dude needs to just use the British Invasion theme - this theme is terrible. "Men put their careers and their lives on the line..." is he auditioning for the role of VO guy for Don't Try This at Home for WWE DVDs? He said that fifty grand is a lot of money to him AND THE GREAT PEOPLE IN TULSA, and that she sucks. They showed a few fans repeating it, and he challenged Bully. Bully is doing his damndest to get this kid over by pointing out how great and impressive he is. This felt like a two-bit indy doing a Raw intro.

Bully's ranting about OLD SCHOOL ACES AND 8S! VINTAGE 2012! Knux faces half of the tag champs, and Bisch will help him. Daniels is out. Sweet Christ, that was a live shot - I thought they were playing an old clip and putting a weird darkness filter on it. Hernandez and Robbie E are in the ring for a VERY SPECIAL 4-WAY MATCH. Involving EY. Tenay said that the road trip required them to come back to Tulsa to do the show. Well, they tried. EY's gear is awesome. Taz wishing death upon EY and Park, complete with cliff-falling sound effects, is a bit odd. Tenay's hyping up the HALL OF FAME FESTIVITIES airing on Spike, which just reminded me of that shot of Moe's SUPER BOWL LUNCH SPECTACULAR consisting of some Wonder Bread. Dual missile dropkick from EY - nice. Tenay keeps talking about this match being important, but took like 8 minutes to get to the point - the winner's team goes into the gauntlet last. Taz was shocked to see EY do a "KARL GOTCH-LIKE" belly to belly. Robbie E stole the pin after the flying elbow from EY. EY's flying elbow looks a thousand times better than Punk's. Jesse tried to cash in on the bounty. You know, if this was done a month ago, it might've meant something. By doing it the show before the PPV, it really makes the whole idea of the bounty seem stupid.

They came back and showed Dixie saying MAKING PEOPLE RICH IS WHAT SHE DOES BEST. Then AJ came out. Do most marked men just walk around with their back to everyone? AJ teleported from the ramp to the ring with one crowd shot. AJ looking homeless just doesn't work. This half-and-half gimmick simply doesn't work at all - it worked THE NIGHT he went back to being Phenomenal, and then they just basically made him too much of the emo character to really work with the Phenomenal one. Knux (with Bisch) is out to destroy him. GunStorm came to save AJ. It's impossible to believe that Storm was once world champ and the biggest star in the company, and seemed like he could be the man to lead TNA to the promised land. Gunner-Knux is next. The show is only 40 minutes in and already feels like Raw does 2 hours in where it just won't end.

Taz revived the MISTER INTENSITY nickname for Gunner. Tenay hyped up #rampage4real - where you can see him sing badly and hear him talk about pissing his bed.  BUY THIS MAN'S PPV! Taz scolded Storm for drinking a "beer-like beverage" and spitting into Bisch's face. AWESOME fallaway slam by Gunner. Gun Rack countered into the FLYING BEAR, which Taz said was like the Midnight Rockers. Bully didn't come help his boys, and it led to a loss. Sabin's going to get 50,000 bucks and get Velvet nice - maybe he'll get her something nice with one of those Adam and Eve promo codes they show during Impact ads.

Just who is Bad Grandpa supposed to be marketed towards? Anyone old enough to care about the original show is likely mature enough to not care about it, unless they're acting like Sabin and the rest of the X division were when Jackass 2 came out. Knux and Bisch were pissed at Bully. Tapa's horrible-looking beatings were recapped. I'm astonished she isn't being added to the match, but glad, since she's at least a year away from being remotely capable of being carried by Gail. Brooke took selfies of her ass for Instagram. They hyped up that Aries was the undefeated X Division champ...yup...when he gave the belt up. He lost it to Sabin earlier this year. I love Sabin being a jerk to Mr. Security Guard, and Joe threatening him in his match tonight and at the PPV. Their match is next.

They replayed the Bully-Magnus stuff. I didn't notice how badly that shot exposed how few people were there. Tenay said HOPEFULLY THEY'LL MAKE THE PPV MAIN EVENT OFFICIAL TONIGHT. Three days before the PPV. Joe came out to his theme and didn't do gangsigns, so I don't know the status of the MEM is. Joe is having a ton of fun in there just beating Sabin up. Nice machine gun punch>chop combo from Sabin. Shame it didn't work well and he just got chopped the fuck out of the ring by Joe. Sabin used her as a shield, and nearly got Samoan dropped, but countered it into a DDT on the ramp. This is not the show to take a ramp bump on. Joe got in the ring at 9.5. Taz said Sabin is demonic now. What? He's basically just a douche. Nice STJoe. Inverted atomic drop led to the running Yakuza kick for 2. This is easily the best thing on the show by far. Springboard tornado DDT got 2 for Sabin. Cradle Shock 2.0 was countered, so he tried to win with an O'Conner roll, which Joe turned into a quick choke for a tap.  Aries attacked Joe, leading to Hardy attacking him in the world's brightest yellow shoes ever and camo shorts.  He brought out a I guess those will be unbanned for UX. Hardy's got a bright yellow belt too. Manik, who is the champ, came out and dove onto dudes off the ladder into the ring. TO THE BACK where Bad Influence is attacking AJ. $50,000 buys a lot of wacky suits. AJ escaped with hijinx, so I guess the bounty is now the Crash Holly hardcore title.

EC 3 is now officially Dixie's nephew. And he'll be at BFG. Brooke's magical hydraulic ass brought Bully to the ring. Bully-Magnus is up at 10:15. Wow. So much for even pretending this is a main event. God, this hard camera shot is sad. It actually looks like a bunch of people dressed as chairs. So it's a shame Sting isn't main eventing. Magnus has a giant welt on his right shoulderblade. Great back and forth punch exchange between them. Beautiful back suplex. Less beautiful running kick got to maybe his stomach. God-awful ref bump with Earl getting bumped into the buckle...or about a foot from it. Sting grabbed the chain from Bully. Bully took advantage of it with a low blow and got the win. So Magnus is winning at the PPV. Hopefully not after a 45 minute match. Magnus and Sting are bickering mid-ring with the crowd dressed as chairs - yes! Loved Magnus saying HE HIT ME IN THE BALLS!The neck-bearded gentleman in the front row and his...mother...I think, are distracting. IF AJ survives the bounty, and signs his contract, then the PPV has a main event. There's a lot riding on the last half-hour of the final show before the PPV going well. Angle will be out to cut a promo next.

BetterSex ad. Sting tried to meet with Magnus, who was pissed at Sting cuz the ref was looking at him and he got HIT IN THA BALLS as a result. Anyone else want Sting to just beat up this whiny fucker? I dig Joe trying to calm him down, just because it showed the Mafia is still a thing. The PPV rundown really showcases how many multi-man matches the card has - it seems like 90% of it is just a way to get folks on PPV, so I guess Tapa will be on there to do a run-in. Live. Yikes. Angle came out and they showed a fan holding up some $20 WWE and World title belt replicas. Angle said that Roode reminds him of himself 5 years ago, and that Roode's messing with his legacy and has dug his own grave as a result. Then he said he'd never be Kurt Angle. Unless Roode's winning, and he probably shouldn't given it's Angle's return match, that was a stupid line to keep in. Roode should really win to make up for that and the BFG '11 loss. Roode is killing it on the mic here saying that he WANTED to be Kurt a decade ago, but not now. Roode said he's done a bunch of nothing - except beat him at BFG two years ago. Love seeing that brought into this - makes this seem like a bigger deal. Roode said that was a wake-up call and it led to him being the world champ (longest in the TNA World Title's history). BOBBY ROODE IS GONNA BEAT KURT ANGLE. Roode is so great here. This came off like a placeholder match - a great one, but now feels like a semi-main event. Roode's just in jeans and a suit jacket - no belt. Really makes him look low-rent. Bad Influence made the save. Roode ordered them to leave so he could kick Kurt's ass. Crossface made Angle tap. That greatly exceeded my expectations. Roode looks a lot like HHH with his poses. I would love to see him brought in as part of the Authority - Roode as the corporate IC Champ would rule.

Dixie's out with the goon squad and CAN AJ SURVIVE THE BOUNTY HUNTERS!? Love Bully just putting his GIGANTIC hat on Brooke and it falling right in front of his face. Bully's giving a wrestling lesson about Flair and Dusty. The Rhodes Family is the biggest thing on TNA TV too. Love him comparing himself to Dusty since they played off of him 11 years ago with the bionic elbow, so it feels a bit more fitting than it otherwise would. Loved him saying he's caused the downfall of Hardy, Sabin, and Hogan - so much so that wrestling's greatest icon is out of the company. He'll put AJ, his family, and fans on hard times. Bully said he'd send AJ home with no contract, no title, and possibly without a wife and kids cuz they'll leave him. BULLY RAY IS THE DARTH VADER OF WRESTLING AND AJ AIN'T NO FRICKIN LUKE SKYWALKER! AJ, the newest Nature Boy, was offended by Bully comparing himself to Flair. AJ called him a BIG DUMB BITCH! Ugh. That reminded me of AJ and the rest of the faces being a bunch of pussies and attacking the Jarrett/Hall/Nash KOW with chickenshit attacks.

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