Monday, December 16, 2013

Raw 12-16-13

It's the night after the latest biggest night ever in WWE HISTORY! The opening promo from last night made for fine opening video fodder. Great shot of Orton holding up both belts - shame the WHC was upside-down. The entire roster was on the ramp while the Authority was in the ring. Xavier and Brodus are just totally fine with each other. WWE'S RICH HISTORY COLLIDED WITH ITS BRIGHT FUTURE last night. Bryan and Cena glared at Orton in front of everyone, so I'm leaning towards a 3-way at the Rumble. HHH looked at him in the ring. I wonder if he still thinks Orton's just holding them for him. Orton blathered on. It's impossible to think the promo's only been going on for five minutes. HHH and Steph looked pissed when he said he was the most powerful person in the ring. Then Cena called him an idiot. Shocked he didn't say he was a doodoo head.

Cena then rattled off Orton's usual promo, pointing out that he's boring, and then congratulated Orton on winning. Cena said that Orton should put up or shut up, and that he would've given one man a fair shot if he won. He demanded that Bryan get a shot tonight. Kinda tepid Yes chant for all this. Steph said Orton had to listen to them, then Orton responded...not looking at her. This promo seems odd with him not looking at Stephanie. HHH said Bryan didn't deserve a shot yet. Bryan's wacky face when they said he won the Superstar of the Year Slammy made this worthwhile. It's now the CHAMPION OF CHAMPIONS era. So for the second time in about two weeks, we get Orton-Bryan on free TV with no real build. Four people spoke here - none were Bryan. Goldust and Cody face two guys voted on via a site poll next...well, that's sure sudden.

WWE TLC WAS MORE SOCIALLY-ACTIVE THAN ANYTHING ON TV. Rey and Show face the tag champs. Rey's sliding splash underneath the bottom rope to the floor was great. His new gear tonight looks awesome. Cole said he agreed with the Authority, while King said he agreed with Orton - he should have a night off. Why have face announcers if they're siding with heels? They came back and buried the ASL guy from Mandela's funeral, and Cole buried Obama for the selfie. Instead of calling the match, they took more selfies. Boy howdy, these are some important tag titles. King and Cole buried the app tutorial. Big Show missed a second-rope elbow. Show shouldn't be doing that move period if he's hurting, let alone missing it. Goldust run wild on Show and looks like he's maybe 240 pounds now. REY AND SHOW WON...and it was a non-title match. So now the champs have lost to every team they faced last night. They helped Goldust up after the KO punch and showed him bonking his head on the map. DOWNLOAD THE APP! You can choose Punk's partners - Usos, PTPs, OR THE MATADORS! I almost want the Matadores to win so he can just gawk at the bull.

A wacky Christmas Raw video aired. It may be Sandow-Henry next week. BAD NEWS BARRETT and his TNA-level prop said stuff. People who go to WWE events live are miserable people who live in shacks? Is that really a wise thing to say on TV? And you can buy your own replica Slammy on the WWE Auction site. Orton stormed into a discussion between Steph, HHH, and Mister Kane and told him that while he had a match, so did Bryan, and Bryan was beaten down by the Wyatts. And Steph said that Orton had to face double the competition now. Really? Summer Rae came out in a hot dress leading to Fandango slowly unbuttoning his shirt. OH GOODIE, WE GET A REMATCH! Dolph apparently cut a promo on the app about being embarrassed to lose to Fandango and needing to get back on track. The old guy in an orange shirt grabbing Dolph's flying shirt ruled. They did moves. JBL buried Cole and King for taking a selfie, DESPITE MUGGING FOR IT HIMSELF. Dolph won with a fluke rollup. "Big win for Ziggler" from Cole. World's Strongest Team is in action next. An ad for WWEShop with a Randy Orton monster truck (no Hogan or Show ones?), and a SHEAMUS ORNAMENT. This ad just shows how stupid a lot of WWE merch is.

Bigg Hoss and Toni came out for a match with the WST. Henry came out and they showed a husky fan in a Bryan shirt with a giant Bryan-esque beard. Nice leapfrop from Big E. "GREAT ATHLETABILITY". Swagger came in and got a big OU Sucks chant. Cole mentioned "what is now called Snapchat". Henry drops his ass on another man...THAT'S WHAT I DO! Brodus and Luke Harper's twitter feed is bizarre. Big Ultimate Warrior press slam by E. King referenced Mr. Ed in nearly 2014. Swagger did Roman's roar on the outside before a break. CESARO LIFT on Big E. Not the biggest lift, but still cool. Big E was held down by Swagger, leading to a huge HENRY chant. This match is overdelivering. TREMENDOUS DOUBLE STOMP to prevent a tag from Big E to Henry - odd angle too. Some POUND AND GROUND offense, while Cole quickly changed. They teased and teased a tag from Big E, and for the first time in ages, the hot tag was actually hot. Big E bodyblock prevented the Swing, and the Big Ending got the win. Well, that was easily Big E's best match yet. 

Sandow was an evil Santa with AJ and Tamina as his helpers...for some reason. Ryback and Axel add yet another tag match to the mix. Dancers were with Tons of Funk tonight. And that's with them referencing the PPV. Xavier said that he could do Brodus better, and then Cole said even he could. Brodus is completely justified in killing all of these men. They're all fine with Sweet T. JBL referenced 2 Live Crew. Sadly, Truth didn't reference 3LK. Brodus didn't tag T. Shellshock to T. Brodus splashed T twice. Truth and Xavier made the save. Good to see that they did the right thing after two cheapshot attacks. Xavier's goatee just doesn't work for him. Cole did stupid dancing. JBL referenced Walter Kronkite dancing.

They recapped the crazy end of last week's Raw, which was good. Punk said some words about HHH. HBK CAME OUT. Didn't expect that. So it'll be DX-Team ROH at WM. Loved HBK's bitter promo on the fans and them giving up on the "you sold out" chant. Crowd chanted one more match. Loved Punk saying he's got more than one in him, and saying that 15 year old him was glad to be kicked by HBK last week, and that he was even fine with HBK running around in assless chaps, but if he kicks him again, he'll kick back. Shield's out. IT COULD BE THE MATADORS AND THE BULL IN THE RING WITH HBK! Love the fan with a crown, a Slammy, and the WWE Title.

It's the Usos teaming with Punk. US-O bit got a huge chant starting. I love the tag corner cam - it made the back suplex>Rock Bottom from Reigns look even cooler. Punk got a hot tag and hit a brainbuster on Ambrose. Superman Punch took out an Uso, while the other one hit a dive onto Roman. As bad as Punk's elbow usually looks, it looks works with the left arm. Big kick to Reigns after he tagged in, but Punk hit the GTS thinking Ambrose was legal, leaving him open for a spear and a pin from Reigns. Reigns with a black eye in the crowd shot looked awesome. They recapped the show opening, with Cole now burying Orton's promos.

WWE 2K14, THE HOTTEST GAME IN THE WORLD, presented a goofy site poll. I demand that Brock be excluded from WWE poll/app wackiness. Wyatts interrupted a goofy WWE 2K14 ad. The Wyatts looked at something and talked to it. He's talking to Abigail. So Abigail is the chair, or it was her chair. Or something. Bellas were in the ring and the Royal Rumble is sponsored by Jackson-Hewitt. I sure hope watching the Rumble is more fun than doing your taxes. They had a site deal recap with Nattie citing the Owen "enough is enough" catchphrase. Brie had a nasty landing getting pulled off the second rope. Tamina carries herself like a badass. I loved her chucking her vest out and hitting the ref in the face in the process. AJ got a tag. Nikki came in and is moving 500 MPH too fast here. Shining Wizard got the win after a Taminia mafia kick. Cole asked why she wasn't, because she's in the match legally. WWE ran a video about how they run the most patriotic event of the year.

Henry Claus skit was amusing. DAT'S WHAT SANTA DOES! Orton rushed through a promo with Renee about how he doesn't need to face Bryan and that the fans should all bend over and kiss his ass. Brothers Rhodes face Harper and Rowan on SD. Unless it's changed. Cole talked in a way no person would talk, while JBL in theory engaged in a conversation with him - he really just talked after him - like a video game. Bryan started things off with some VINTAGE ROH mat-wrestling. Bryan's beating the shit out of Orton's leg here. Orton came back with some corner headbutts and a European uppercut of his own. CALGARY CRAB by Bryan. Orton attacked the arm, then Bryan fought back by biting Orton just like he'd done earlier. This match is better than their PPV matches. Big dive from Bryan was sidestepped for an ad break."Randy Orton told us TO KISS HIS BACKSIDE!" OH NOES! Cole sounds so lame sometimes.

GIGANTIC superplex from Orton got 2. Bryan's flipping Hart Attack clothesline comeback led to the corner dropkicks and an iffy super rana from Bryan. Bryan tried to skin the cat, but kicked Bryan in the gut and then hit the draping DDT. Bryan got a 2 off a backslide and a 2.5 off the buzzsaw kick! Crowd was crazy hot here. This hsow has greatly exceeded the PPV. Bryan blocked a superplex off the top with punches, getting a YES for each one. Big headbutt hits. Orton sidestepped a corner dropkick. Cole and JBL are talking about WHAT GREAT PERFORMANCES these are. Bryan countered a cover with a Yes Lock! CORNER DROPKICK ON THE DASHER BOARD! Missile dropkick with a kip up! Low blow during the kick combo gives Bryan a win. I'm fine with that since it'll lead to a rematch and Orton shouldn't be losing cleanly after becoming the Unified champion. Cena ran down to attack Orton, who countered the fresh Cena with an RKO. Orton held the belts up high and Cole scolded him for his ANTICS!

Screens -

Let your Soul Glo...

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