Thursday, December 19, 2013

TNA Impact 12-19-13 - Final Resolution

IMPACT'S FINAL RESOLUTION IS NEXT! Sure sounds like a series finale. TONIGHT, HELL IS DIXIELAND! And it's Feast or Fired reveal night. Magnus and his receding hairline met with a guy who told him that Hardy and Dixie hadn't come in yet. Magnus says words about loving the business while an old lady in the crowd nods in agreement. Magnus all but renounced being British to get a cheap pop. He said that moving to America had some challenges, but he learned that money talks. It isn't about the five-star hotels or women for him - IT'S ABOUT HONOR and respect. A guy yelled about loving steak. Love Magnus saying that the same can't be said about Hardy since it planted seeds of doubt and led to a big Hardy chant. He congratulated Hardy for slaying his demons, but perhaps there's one demon creeping back in - greed. HE WAS FILMED HAVING DRINKS WITH DIXIE. Wouldn't that be two demons?

HoThe new Impact Zone looks good, but there's way too much all-black in it. Hardy's out in his jeans/tanktop combo - which may or may not be his street attire or ring gear. Magnus said that tonight was the biggest night of his life, so he wouldn't allow Hardy to fuck it up for him. He didn't forget 10-10-10. I thought he might go with the pilled up Sting match. Hardy said it was a different time, while Magnus said it wasn't a different place - still a wrestling ring. This is sound logic - shame they're doing it tonight instead of the week before. Side-by-side, Hardy and Magnus look about the same age, which isn't good for Magnus. Hardy yelled at Magnus to NOT WORRY ABOUT MY LIFE. Hardy is a terrible actor. Angle cut a promo with Hemme about still having it and beating Roode twice tonight to show it's only the beginning for him. Nice feud recap vid. And Angle-Roode is the opener. So good luck to every single thing else on this show. Why not use this as the hour one main event?

JB was backstage with...a door. Chavo said he has a 75% chance of getting a title shot, while Ion has a 25% chance of being fired. Chavo dared insult Ion for being entertaining. Roode got a jobber intro. Some basic wrestling to start. Rolling Germans about two minutes in. Angle slam into an arm drag. Roode distracted the ref and kicked Angle right in the balls to hit a death valley driver for a quick win. Fall 1 was like a video game match with finishers turned on by default, but fun. Big Flair-style kneedrop missed, leading to an OH SHIT going unmuted. Roode's crossface was rolled through into an Angle slam for a win. Fall three is already upon us. Crossface is locked on, but the move is countered into a cradle for two. Backslide's countered into another crossface. Angle slam countered into a Divorce Court, and yet another crossface. This is like the worst of Angle doing a thousand Angle slams and ankle locks in a match. Angle turned things into the ankle lock. Angle turns that into a...thing called a crossface that looks more like a side headlock. DVD attempt is turned into an Angle slam for two. Ankle lock's back on, turned into a rollup using the ropes to get the win. Well, that was a tad underwhelming - still pretty good stuff though. JB's back by that door and I bet the other two dudes talk here. Gunner justified attacking Storm because Storm would've done the same thing - Storm said we'll see if his gamble pays off. Both of these guys are assholes.

Recap of Roode-Angle. Angle cut a promo backstage that was shot in the worst way possible. Look up at him, it looks like he's got man-boobs now and his face looks dreadful. Gail-Madison recap vid. They talked about Gail causing issues, but didn't show why. JB AND THAT FUCKING MUSTARD YELLOW DOOR talked with EC3 in a swank grey and purple suit with matching tie. EC3's ringtone is his theme. Dixie can't do anything to guarantee that his case won't fire him because the law firm of Smith and Stone sealed them. EC3's suit is buys. I guarantee it. EY DROPPED A MIND GRENADE, and showed a gift no one would ever spot - a chair with terrible wrapping. They came back and Tenay's terrible VO brought about a Joseph Park-EY history video. They did a side-by-side splice in showing Park as Abyss. Taz mocked Park for being a fake attorney. Tenay said that SIGNS ARE POINTING to Park being Abyss. EY asked the crowd to say that YOU ARE ABYSS. Park said that Eric's a friend, but that he is JOSEPH PARK! EY said as a scientist, it's time to use science - bled led to Abyss showing up. EY's got a two-part science experiment - one part involves Park having a handicap match against Bad Influence in a Monster's Ball. Park said it's not his match, it's his brother's. Park is so lucky he didn't gig poorly, because he actually looks this part pretty well. Park said he uses steel chairs as an attorney. JOSEPH PARK USES STEEL FOLDING CHAIRS AS AN ATTORNEY!? A BAG OF TACKS was the second gift. EY is carrying this by being wacky, and Park's doing his job making wacky faces. The barb wire didn't do anything for him either, so he didn't want to do the handicap match. Taz begged for this to be over. Park pulled Janice out, leading to a Janice chant, and Taz calling it Abyss's main toy. I HATE WEAPONS BEING CALLED TOYS, but this ruled. Stupid game show music played while the case guys to a basic table in what would appear to be any dentist's office in America. The low-budget vibe for this isn't helping - they should've just done this on the stage so it would at least look good - I get why they wouldn't due to spoilers, but still.

GOOD GOD MORE RECAPS, now for Magnus-Hardy at the start. Joe and Hardy had a conversation next to the same picnic chair that Magnus was next to last week. Stupid game show music means it's time for the FoF case reveals. This is the hour one main event. The law firm knows the contents of the couldn't Dixie just pay them off to find out what was in EC3's case? I GOT X GUYS! I GOT X! Tremendous. Gunner acted like a jerk getting the world title shot case. FINALLY, SOMETHING I DESERVE...based on what? Chavo said that this case could change things, but it wouldn't change him being a Guerrero. GOOD GOD FIRE THIS MAN! Sting came in and said that EC3's legacy was on the line, and that the term legacy being used for EC3 makes him sick. Sting asked Chavo a question - please never do that again, because it led to him talking more. Sting said that he'd take the case off of EC3 if EC3 would face him just one time. Sting's cutting a great promo that is being ruined by this goddamned music. EC3 got the tag title shot, while Sting consoled Chavo for being fired. They panned to Chavo at the end, so I have a feeling he'll be back - hopefully playing a guy in a coma.

Magnus said that he was focused on the title. Gail and Tapa came out for a KOs tag with Rayne and ODB. Taz said it was sad that Chavo's great TNA career was over. Yup. He was in the Slammiversary tag a year or so ago. ODB came down and Rayne came out looking as hot as ever. Madison's purple '60s Batigirl mini-skirt works for her. They plugged Glory kickboxing by having Taz say he watches it every week. Isn't that impossible since it's not weekly? Taz called Gail a Porsche, and ODB's a '72 Ford Fairlane. Big running dropkick from Gail to ODB's shoulder. Train Wreck from Tapa. Loved Taz saying Tapa's really tall - she's even taller than him! Tenay said that Hardy took a bribe before. Some nice ass shots here with Gail and Madison. Eat Defeat countered into a backslide for a win from Rayne. Countdown to Glory hype. Sting talked to Hardy about being second-guessed in the past, so he knows what he's going through. It's 10:21 and the Dixieland match is NEXT! This sure is one match-lean "PPV-quality" show.

Park-Bad Influence graphic led to an Impact 365 video with Dixie and Spud. Why doesn't Dixie just use one of those super-expensive replicas since she's a gazillionaire? Dixie told him to spare no expense at having a belt made in a week. That led to them showing the belt hanging high on the ramp, and a tourney recap video to kill more time. Hardy-Sabin was easily the highlight of this whole thing. Hardy's stupid theme is easily his worst ever - every other theme was at least somewhat enjoyable to listen to in some way. Hardy's black and blue gear looks sweet. Hardy's gauges actually match his gear - nice touch. Hardy cut a promo about Magnus citing what he did three years ago - and it was nice for a while, but it ended at Victory Road 2011...I guess that was the time he was pilled out of his mind. Hardy was really defensive here, and then said he thought about his wife, daughter, and why he loves wrestling. TNA can lose anyone, but they cannot lose Hardy for their own good. He's still the biggest star in the company. God bless Jeff, but saying words is not his specialty in either promo or song form. Now he's just yelling about money, and gets interrupted by Dixie's theme. YAY! The filler on this show is becoming almost SD-level. Dixie said that Hardy's similar to AJ in that everything they have, they owe to me. AJ, sure, but Hardy...fuck no. I do like her saying that she stood by him, not the fans. Dixie plugged his merch gloriously saying that they sell his music and artwork. After all of this, at 10:34, they went to an ad break.

At 10:40, Magnus made his intro. TWENTY MINUTES AFTER SAYING THE MATCH WAS NEXT, the main event started. I like Magnus's gear modifying the MEM logo on the back. JB explained Dixieland fairly simply, which was impressive. THIS IS DIXIELAND! Flying headscissors takes out Magnus, who takes Hardy down with a Meat Hook. Flying elbow off the top missed and they did a double down spot two minutes in. Swanton off the top rope misses. EC3 is out in his gear to "support Aunt D". Back suplex off the top rope led to another double down spot for an ad break. Hardy tried to leave the cage through the camera hole. Inverted atomic drop led to the double legdrop to the nuts. Flying forearm from Hardy. VADER BOMB OFF THE TOP USING THE CAGE. Nice move there - finally, something exciting in this. Twisto Stunner hit, but a second one being attempted led to a knee clip from Magnus. King's Lynn Cloverleaf is locked on, which gives Magnus a chance to climb. Powerslam into the Northern Lights Bomb hits from Magnus and lets him hit the big elbow. Whisper in the Wind "hits". Both guys are down.

WHISPER IN THE WIND OFF THE TOP OF THE CAGE...why!? Both guys left the cage at the same time. For some reason, Hardy didn't decide to leap on the side closest to the ladder. EC3 attempted to take Magnus down, but was kicked off. EC3 teased his finisher on the steps, but Hardy hit the Stunner Twisto on him ON THE FLOOR. Yikes. Nice body blow>uppercut combo from Magnus on the floor. Back bump Twist on the ramp to Magnus. Dixie prevented Hardy from climbing, so he roared. Spud in an even more ridiculous outfit (neon pink shirt, neon yellow bow tie) knocked him off the ladder onto the ramp. Magnus climbed and grabbed the belt. He cried holding the title - good for him. Seeing his career from the beginning in TNA, it's amazing to see him rise to this level. Magnus held the belt high and actually didn't hold it upside-down. Good stuff here.

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