Thursday, December 12, 2013

TNA Impact 12-12-13 - Feast or Fired

For some reason, a Friends of AJ Styles-style video opened Impact. Boy, with AJ actually being gone and them taping so much TV at once, this whole angle seems even dumber since they're giving him prime time global exposure for the indy scene. Rockstar Spud is in Gainesville, GA to find AJ - while wearing a rainbow-bow tie. JB said stuff about Feast or Fired, leading to Angle coming out and yelling at him. There's way too goddamn much happening by 9:03. He tossed around the Wheel of Dixie, then called Roode out. THANK GOD ROODE IS WALKING SLOWLY, it's possible to digest this. Roode rightly pointed out that he was eliminated from a world title tourney due to slipping and falling through a table, while he's broken Kurt down ever since he turned down his HoF induction, and so they'll fight on his terms - not Kurt's. Roode said he could beat him twice in one night, leading to perfect build for a 2/3 falls match. They did another brawl>geeks>brawl deal before Roode kicked him in the balls. Al Snow's sneakers should trend worldwide. Roode made the 2/3 falls match for Final Resolution, which should be really good. Tremendous Park/EY vs. Bad Influence video - they put a red TRON filter on stuff and it was so weird and awesome. EY then cut a great promo on Park telling him to man up and beat the shit out of Bad Influence. This ruled.

Bad Influence came out and Kaz had more pep in his step than usual. They hyped up Feast or Fired, with Taz burying it as a former competitor. Kaz went a billion feet in the air for a backdrop, which ruled. Tenay hyped up Dixie's Twitter feed - that just seems weird since he's a face and she's a heel. There should at least be a hint of sarcasm to it or something like "I've been advised to...". Taz discussed sea lions for some reason. EY told Park to man up, but he wouldn't, so EY gave him a headlock and punches after apologizing to get the monster out of him. Chokeslam, corner avalanche AND SHOCK TREATMENT! Black Hole Slam gets the win. This was a ton of fun. Then EY said that the reason Park couldn't find Abyss was because he was him - this led to a great YOU'RE A-BYSS chant. And EC3 got a massage because he needs it.

EC3's out and Taz says he loves what he did to Earl since he doesn't like him anyway. Dude's getting a SHUT YOUR MOUTH chant after one sentence, so this is clicking to at least some degree. EC3 said social media would play up with his match against JB! Sting came down to stand up for JB. Sting cut an awesome promo on the guy and by God, he's making Feast or Fired seem important because at least those guys are taking a chance. He said either get in that match, or face Sting now. Huge YES chant. Sure, it's a WWE chant, but hell, the fans are digging this. EC3 said YOU'RE ON...and then left to compete in feast or fired. This was perfect. Spud then went to a gas station for directions while fumbling with a comedically-large map and annoying a gas station clerk. Shockingly, the guy actually knew of AJ - so at least the guy's presented as a star in his hometown. This role is perfect for Spud.

Gail's out for the open challenge. ODB came out, and Gail said she wanted BETTER competition while the announcers talked about her being in the company and thus ineligible for it. ODB and her wacky spiked mohawk bonked Tapa with the mic, leading to a little brawl. Madison Rayne returned to beat the shit out of Gail, while she and ODB teamed up to take out Tapa. This was great stuff and I dig Madison using her cocky wave for good, or at least against evil. Spud and his goofy tie went to "an American pub", his hick accept was hilarious. Spud asked for a "Mister Allen Jones", while the bartender's tits were distracting, and he asked for a Ladyboy Chaser. He got a beer, but no info.

They came back to the bar after the break and he asked for Allen Jones again, also known as AJ Styles. The folks demanded that he sing. He obliged SINCE HE'S A ROCKSTAR! Spud yelled about the queen while struggling with the lights...and then got himself and his '80s shirt tossed out. This sucked. Feast or Fired case recap video showed off Curry Man being fired before...and he's in tonight's match too. Gunner apologized to Storm, who accepted the apology while also bringing up everything he did wrong and saying he'd be winning the world title shot while Gunner could get the tag title shot. Storm was a great cocky prick here, and it's a shame he's so broken down now, because he could've been something special. And this team breaking up means nothing since they came together for no real reason and don't come close to either of Storm's prior teams in TNA. Oh yeah, there's a world title tourney going on and Hardy and Magnus meet mid-ring next to talk about their title match next week. That has really been a total afterthought.

MORE WITH SPUD. He got a dinky flashlight and ran down a road. I didn't need to see that, and they're doing way too many of these things. Dixie bitched about Angle destroying the wheel of Dixie, and made Roode-Angle 2/3 falls CUZ SHE'S THE ONE WHO MAKES THA MATCHES. More bitching about AJ, YA SENDING ME THAT TOY BELT ARE YA SERIOUS! Dixie was happy about getting HER new world champion next week. She got a giant smile on her face while bringing Magnus out. He's in a T-shirt and jeans - basically what Hardy's in as well. T-shirt and jeans world title match. Yargh. At least Hardy's hoodie looks nice. Hardy ran down how great 2012 was for him - shame it's nearly 2014. Magnus said that he's young, but he knows the fans are Hardy's creatures - and he's earned them. Magnus thanked him for putting food on his table - thank God he's basically a heel, because this as a face act would be utter death. Dixie said that the wheel of Dixie may be gone, BUT ITS LEGACY LIVES ON in the Dixieland match.

Then a really stupid awkward cut from Tenay led to a Dixieland video package. It starts as a cage, then, there's a race to a ladder to get the title on top of the ramp. This match reeks of that stupid reverse ladder match thing, where's it's needlessly complicated for the sake of being needlessly complicated. Oh, and the winner gets to fly around the world with Dixie. Dixie gave Magnus a look. Velvet and a hot blue dress met with Sabin - I love the dress matching the belt. He's got a title match with Aries next...for some reason. Spud attempted to break into AJ's house, but the door was unlocked. AJ came down after he found the belt, and AJ said he was tipped off. AJ's house appears to be just like anyone else's house, only filled with goofy stuff like a deer head in a chair. No one came off great here. Cena's house has an elevator, the TNA World Champion's has a deer head in a chair in his living room.

Ken Anderson walked backstage and looked at least 45 with the lighting on him. He threatened to get back in the world title hunt. Aries is out to become a four-time X Champion, after this beyond nothing 3rd title reign. The close-up shot of the X Title is not complimentary of it. Taz said that Sabin and Aries were carbon copies of each other. I call bullshit on that. Loved Sabin hugging Velvet to prevent himself from getting hit with a spring-loaded double axehandle off the top to the floor. It led to a fantastic clothesline to the knees that Aries took a great bump on the apron for. Missile dropkick from Aries missed, leading to Sabin doing a whirlybird facebuster/gutbuster thing. TNA Genesis debuts on Spike on 1/14. Abdominal stretch from Sabin led to him doing the gordbuster on the ropes - seems like that order should've been reversed, but whatever. Discus forearm takes Sabin up the ramp. Springing axehandle finally hits, and he looked a lot like Savinge doing it with his full beard now. Big Aries chant after that, and it leads to the missile dropkick finally hitting. This match was built up with nothing, but feels somewhat important thanks to the action and the crowd being hot for it. JAPANESE ARMDRAG INTO THE BUCKLES FROM ARIES. Holy crap that ruled. Corner facekiller dropkick from Aries led an on O Conner rollup reversal, Sabin stopping short, and getting hit with a brainbuster for the win. Velvet apologized and said she's sorry. Feast or Fired is next. It's 10:26, so I hope there's at least something after that because no part of that match going long seems good.

Sabin bitched at Aries for DARING TO PUT HIS LITTLE SUNFLOWER in danger, and then entered himself into Feast or Fired. Aries did the same. This roster seems so lean and overworked. Magnus cut a promo in a room with picnic furniture about the title match. Recap of Roode-Angle and the Magnus-Hardy deal from before. This video was perfectly fine, but didn't do anything really well. Gail and Tapa face Rayne and ODB. This goofy thing was just hype for the Final Resoution that was bad.  Christy, also in a blue dress, introduced the Feast or Fired guys. VINTAGE MIC DROP for Anderson. Bully jumped Anderson and hit him with a piledriver on the ramp. Epic music played while Bully cut a promo about good overcoming the evil of man's sins, while evil stands strong in hell. I'm digging Biblical Ray. And then he said Anderson raped him of his future, referenced Ken's pregnant wife and future twins...and that got a bit weird. It's now 10:38 and the match hasn't begun.

ShopTNA hype ad led to a Bully/Anderson recap. A graphic for the Hardy-Magnus match was shown, then they further recapped FR - so why do that awful video earlier? Joe came down, and a bunch of the jobbers were already in the ring. GunStorm came down. EC3 got his full intro - now adding a slow backwards walk. They're getting at least this intro over like a million bucks. Taz said that EC3's already beaten three of the guys in this match, so he shouldn't be taken lightly. Ion's in this. Curry Man just left - Tenay said it was because he realized he could be he was before. Curry Man leaving both makes sense because he was fired before in this match, and makes no sense because HE WAS FIRED IN THIS MATCH BEFORE and is back. Storm took a funky dive over the top via a backdrop from Gunner. Barnes and Fernum took guys out, while Joe then took them out. EC3 took advantage of this and grabbed the third case.

Final Resolution DIXIELAND hype vid. Tenay hyped up this being the fourth FoF match in company history, and the first in four years. Sabin and Joe had a fun exchange. THE NERD, and Ion, tossed Joe out. Ion tossed them off the second case's pole. Taz did the airhorn noise. Big blind crossbody off the top from Aries onto Supermex and Storm - nice spot. Aries set up a double stack of Mexicans and GunStorm in the corners, then dropkicked them - good stuff. Then he bonked the nerds into each other and tried to dropkick them too. He eventually hit the 450 on both of them. Aries is the MVP of the show so far. Sabin took Aries down trying to grab a case. Joe and Chavo brawled, and Hernandez tossed Chavo...scarily...onto the pole to get the case. Gunner hit Hernandez with a combo corner avalanche/clothesline - does everyone in the company do that spot now? TOWER OF DOOM with the nerds superplexing Hernandez. Storm went to grab the case, but Gunner attacked I guess he's turning heel. Gunner's uber-generic theme hit. Dude needs a better theme. Hardy met with Dixie and gave him win. BAD MOVE DIXIE!

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