Thursday, December 5, 2013

TNA Impact 12-5-13

Big, epic video package starts off. FOUR MEN HAVE SURVIVED THE HEAVYWEIGHT APOCALYPSE! Tenay started the broadcast off with an off-screen welcome, so that transition was pretty smooth. Kurt's cutting an okay promo. Dude looks so broken down with the knee brace. He wanted Magnus to come out, and they replayed the knee injury bit with Taz saying Magnus abandoned him - great setup to the turn there. Angle bitched him out for leaving WAS HURT. Dickhead. Magnus said he was beaten up before, but still did the tag match for Kurt. He had to decide in the heat of battle to leave, but Kurt said that he wouldn't have done that. Well, all that proves is Kurt's crazy and Magnus thinks logically. These closeups of Magnus make him look much older than he is given his receding hairline. Roode came out in his Terry Taylor robe. Okay, that looks ridiculous for a promo, and he should really have a new robe - he's had this one robe for seven years now. At least he's gotten his money's worth out of it. Roode said he's got killer instinct - I do too - it's a great little game on the Xbox One. The original's not worth $20 more though. Ah - Roode's match is up next, which explains the robe. The robe really does pop in HD in closeups. Hardy's new shitty theme needs to go - it has no rhythm to it at all. Nice silly promo from him just shouting his name over and over. This was basically 10 minutes of stuff, but not bad, just stuff.

The match starts off with a big HARDY chant, so at least the cheap heat worked. Taz said he was rooting for Roode, but he's also bias. Or biased. Tenay hyped up their Second Screen Experience - it's got a live Q and A with Bad Influence. Taz said that "Roode might win this if he puts Hardy through the table" - isn't that how you win a table match? They both went through it, leading to a photo finish for the ad break. The match continued after the break, and then after that, they showed why. Well, that's backwards. Swanton OVER THE TABLE...really just to mid-ring to Roode. Cool visual though. Superplex counter from Roode led to a Hardy straddling the rope. "That'll split some hairs." Thanks for the visual, Taz. Wacky spin kick from Hardy on the apron puts Roode through the table on the floor. Ouch. This did a better job to build up WWE's TLC PPV well. The Final Resolution graphics have some weird fake scanlines on them. Ugly. EC3 talked on Impact365 about facing another TNA legend. Tatanka? He is undefeated in TNA.

A super-hot KOs ad showed them all looking great in simpy angel outfits. Dixie showed up in a librarian outfit and was excited about getting an e-mail with a Fed-Ex tracking number with her belt. Why is AJ just conceding to the demands of the heel? Or did she just grab a perfect replica and that will be part of the story later? EC3's out saying he'lll be facing a man who faced Andre, Hogan, and Bret. Odd to mention Hogan since he's no longer there. His hand-picked foe is Earl Hebner. Okay, this is going to be a waste of time. EC3's gear looks outstanding - dude still needs a ring jacket or entrance outfit or something. Rockstar Spud and his blue suit ordered Earl's kid to referee it. This is taking up way too much time. Earl refused, then EC3 bullied him, put a finger on the chest and EC3 counted E-C-3 along with the count. I like that part of this. I also dug him having Brian roll his dad out so he could kick imaginary dirt on him.

Recap of the Park/Bad Influence saga - they're going to tell the truth about Park later. Shaw took Christy on a date and threatened TO MURDER the waiter for apparently looking at Christy. Of course no cops were called. Dixie was on the phone with Jason, and she got flowers - she was pissed since it wasn't her belt. GOOD LORD! GET SPUD ON THA PHONE! Sting walked to the building with his shirt on, and the Park thing is next. This was ten more minutes of stuff.

Dixie met with the Feast or Fired guys - it's next week. Bad Influence came out for the Park reveal. He ripped up their envelope, which led to video revealing that the law firm closed down 13 years ago, and Kaz closed the skit with the strip mall chick by saying "GO BACK TO MYSPACE!". They beat up Park after he said maybe they were right...he didn't belong in TNA. EY made the save and made a tag match after saying you shouldn't knock on the devil's door, because he just might answer. TREMENDOUS line there. Sting met with Magnus and gave him a pep talk until things got awkward with the whole "entitlement" deal. They talked about the Impact world tour and put himself over.

Spud bullied a PA and Ion did the DJ deal. "Remember their names ladies - YOU'LL BE SCREAMING THEM LATER!" This act is great. GunStorm vs. the Bro Mans. I think they're the only teams left. Loved Taz saying the BroMans act reminded him of Studio 54, complete with Tenay mocking him. Guys did moves until Gunner snapped and cost his team the match. Sting met with Spud, who introduced himself and defended his job while reminding Sting that he failed to get a title shot in the tourney. Sting responded by doing an uber-gay British voice. Sting's silly faces have been the show highlight thus far. Gail's 365 video showed her kissing her husband, who looks like Batista if he was 50, with greying hair. 

SABIN'S LOG delivered an emotional report in a Wal-Mart dress shirt and slacks combo. He said that YOU GAVE ME BELIEF IN MYSELF with Velvet there. He meant the belt. This was a thing. Sabin faces Aries for the belt next week. Christy's cleavagey dress introduced Gail. Laura Dennis faced Gail. She looked like any generic indy worker. "Timing's everything in Mike, life". Wisdom from Taz. There's a fan with a goofy rooster mohawk wig on in the front row. Sliding D cup from Dennis looked terrible. Eat Defeat gets the win. Tapa picked her up for a second ED. ODB came down to make a save. It's a shame ODB's older, because she's really good as a brawler type. It took ages for Tapa to take the over the top fall to the floor on a clothesline. ODB rules. Angle's last man standing match with Magnus is next.

Nice Final Resolution hype video - it's coming on 12/19. Dixie "talked with Spud". Um...shouldn't the phone be on a screen other than the home screen? They should've just had that over a video or something because this was stupid. Christy's cleavage brought out Magnus. I like Magnus and Angle having matching gear in this. Nice rebound lariat from Magnus to Kurt. A fan held up an Angle sucks sign. BOO! Double clothesline spot took them both down for an ad break. The show came back...with Spud meeting with Dixie. So fuck the main event match then. And then they cut away from that to show the match...awkward. Then Taz and Tenay read a prepared statement about the title being revealed after this match. I guess on this show. Maybe online - they didn't specify. A billion German Suplex took Magnus down for a 7 count. He got up and got hit with a shoulder tackle/spear through the ropes. Edge retired after doing a ton of spears, so this was a brilliant move. Magnus countered a German off the apron and they did the Foley elbow camera shot telegraphing the elbow from Magnus - which he hit EXACTLY like his top rope version, so it was beautiful. Snap suplex "THIS IS WHERE KURT GOES INTO THAT BERSERK TANK!" - I have no idea what that is , but it sounds bad. Moonsault missed. HOLY FUCK. Giant uranage from Magnus leads to the flying elbow. Ref bump, so the Angle slam didn't get a count. Roode came in and hit the rabbit lariat, his old finisher, while Magnus had his head turned. Spinebuster as well. Magnus turned around on the ground slightly, but never had a chance to see any of it. Magnus having plausible deniability for everything is so great. Magnus won thanks to Roode. This felt like the beginning and ending of a great match, but with very little middle. Hardy came down to save Angle. Hardy-Magnus is the Final Resolution main event in 2 weeks. Dixie met with Spud for the real ending of the show. AJ shipped her a paper Legends belt. The fucking acting in this. The Friends of AJ paid for a show-closing segment to talk about the paper champ she's crowning. This looked better than his usual cell phone shit but wow was this all eye-rolling.


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