Monday, December 23, 2013

Raw 12-23-13 - Raw X-Mas

The WWE then, now, forever things seems to have the WWE Network logo towards the end of it. Henry and Sandow cut dueling promos - Sandow's THE WORLD'S SMARTEST SANTA! I love their rhyming poems with past gimmicks - IRS getting a mention was funny. The Raw Christmas set is nice. Cole rhyming on commentary is pretty stupid. KANE, STEPH, AND HHH HAVE SANTA HATS! Kane's handing out candy canes. I'm digging Hunter saying they love supporting soup sending superstars there. This seems like a bizarre way to put over charity work - burying it by saying they force people to do them. Steph's boo and yay with the Santa reveals was funny. Now, are they heels or faces? Because EVERY SINGLE THING ABOUT THIS has been babyface-ish except for the soup kitchen bit. The SD 6-man that was taken off that show will be on this one. The Shield also faces Big E, Punk, and Cena! Orton interrupted the really now, are they faces and Orton's the heel? Orton gave HHH and Steph the credit for his title win - so he really doesn't matter in this whole thing. Orton bought them A GIFT THAT COMES WRAPPED IN A GOLDEN BOW - himself! Then Mr. Kane said a rhyme and hit his pyro - complete with Santa hat. Jingle Belles match is next.

This should've been the 12-divas of Christmas match. It's the Total Divas vs. the True Divas. AJ's Merry Grinchmas shirt rules - it's so nice to see someone not just wear their WWE shirt. It's amazing how such a little touch can give a character some credibility. Eva did a hair pull and tagged out. Tehy're doing one move and just leaving. AJ's burying this. Cole confused Summer Rae for Rosa, which AJ buried him for. A fan held up a giant green ODB sign. Vickie gored Brie's butt with the antlers. AJ said Aksana was a festive fruit-roll up. REVERSE FINAL CUT from Aksana - so she's been checking out her Kana MVs on Youtube. Now they're doing do-see-do double and triple team offense...this looks goddamned ridiculous and is getting more boos with each person they add to it. AJ buried it. Nattie made Aksana tap. This was a thing saved by AJ.

WWE had a did you know graphic about Santa! Cole talked about how WWE Superstars travel more than Santa SO YOU SHOULD LOVE WWE MORE. WHY DON'T YOU LOVE WWE MORE!? Hunicara cut a terrible promo in English - you can barely hear him in this mask. JBL talked about this looking like a different Sin Cara while Cole talked about the history of the original. This is a bizarre mix of reality and fake bullshit. Crowd gave no fucks about this while Axel was on offense. Sin Cara hit Layla's wacky flip cradle for a 2 and Cole talked about JBL winning a title as a masked guy in Mexico, so he shouldn't knock Sin Cara for wearing a mask. JBL said he won it from Mil Mascaras. You could now hear every BORING yell. JBL buried children for not having jobs. Nice springboard clothesline into almost an Anaconda Vise cover there. "Sin Cara's like a new man". Sin Cara went for the Magnus-style Angle slam/Samoan drop thing, but Axel countered into the northern lariat, then hit the move. Swanton bomb got the win. Sin Cara got a pop for the win. It's bizarre that they're pushing the character like this when if they'd pushed the original, he'd have been happier and wouldn't have wanted to leave and they wouldn't have had to recast it...again. Nice Shield handicap match recap from SD. Big E's save on Punk was put over huge. It's weird that the IC Champ feels like a big deal, but his title doesn't. They re-aired the Sandow bad Santa skit from last week.

A TREMENDOUS BIG DAVE BATISTA HYPE VID aired. He'll be back on January 20th. Bad News Barrett impersonated a Salvation Army worker to get donations. Recap of the Bryan-Wyatts feud. They showed Bryan getting medical attention after SD. Goldust wore his shirt with his gear AND IT LOOKS AMAZING. That gold flame design should just be part of his gear. Rowan and Goldust continued to have great chemistry - Rowan might get good working with him regularly. If they could make something main event-level out of Reigns in around a year, they can get something out of Rowan. JBL did the same source burial bit from SD. Bryan has no tape on his ribs or shoulder, or anything despite the idea that he's selling a vile beating from SD that kept him out of action. They've done that before with Bryan, and it hurts him and the company. They teased Bryan getting his hands on Bray after the break. Goldust and Harper had a great exchange a few minutes after they returned. GOLDIERANA. ALL OF THE SUPERSTARS ARE POSTING HOLIDAY TOUTS. Because they're forced to. WWE's so fun! Cole and JBL buried Tony Rome for missing time WHILE DANIEL BRYAN'S ABLE TO SURVIVE A BEATING ON SD AND BE BACK NOW!

Clawhold from Rowan got 2. JBL put over THE BARON. Goldust hit Code Red for the hot tag. Bryan kicked the hell out of Rowan for a good minute, with JBL saying he was now playing the part of an Everlast kick bag. Rowan's bodyblock prevented Bryan from attacking Bray. Cody got the tag and hit the flying knee after the missile dropkick. BRYAN HIT THE MISSILE DROPKICK ONTO BRAY and the dive! Nice mounted punches too. Flying somersault senton saved Bryan from a beating from Rowan. Bray got a blind tag and beat Cody with Sister Abigail - the move, not the rocking chair. Harper hit the big lariat to Goldust. The Wyatts threatened a beating, their deal hit, and they teleported to the chair.

Good Santa skit re-aired. They showed some MLB guys getting WWE Title replicas. Singing contest is up. A guy held up his grandkid, sadly with a bar carcode on his Santa hat. Truth is not singing well, and Woods isn't exactly great. Jinder and Drew sang much worse. JBL begged them to hire Jillian for this. And then Santino and Khali sang. FALALALALAHALALALALALA. The reindeer on the cobra is a nice touch. Little things like comedy props being seasonal, they care about - guys selling injuries with bandages, not so much. The 4 faces took out 2 heels. Dolph faces Fandango in the new endless feud match - it'll be a pole match.

JBL referenced Summer Rae taking up North Pole Dancing. And oh yeah, Maddix is the GM and made this match. Winner gets an IC title shot. Dolph took a bump off the pole onto the steps to the floor - it sounds worse than it looked. Fandango grabbed Dolph's ass to try and climb the pole. Fandango got crotched, but recovered and throw Dolph back off onto the steps in a sick bump. Fandandgo gets his shot next week. Dolph is beneath the IC Title. Good lord. Hire Heroes ad. They should have WWE write the whole thing, because the stat of "creating two jobs per day" doesn't sound good. "HIRE HEROES CREATES NEARLY 800 JOBS PER YEAR" sounds much better.

Statue of Liberty facts. Great bit with DYoung forgetting the name of the town, so Titus cut the rest of the promo. They want a win...and are facing another babyface team in the Usos here. Odd. I like the DANGG USO CRAZY sign. Usos are now working in shirts, which is smart - they're great shirts and hide their bellies. Big THIS IS AUSTIN chant. JBL referenced Rand-McNally. The Uso put an armbar on D-Young and knocked him for saying Houston - poor D-Young, but it's making this match more memorable. One Uso put a Rudolph nose on for the Superfly dive and beat D-Young. This was a super-fun match. Titus dragged D-Young's body vertical and they all did the Millions of Dollars dance. TIME FOR THE REAL MAIN EVENT OF SANTA VS. SANTA. Love the tale of the tape.

Rock's drawing as a movie star was covered, and Cole put over an interview - leading to JBL burying him for name-dropping. Good Santa did the hook 'em horns sign. Xbox One sponsored this, which explains Santa wanting one in the tale of the tape. Sandow's bad Santa theme song rules - it's got thunder in it. Good Santa had a gift... a toilet. They did a Mr. Swirly without water. Singapore candy cane. Remember when that was a terrifying prop in the world, and in wrestling? Good Santa kept using the fire extinguisher, and he won with the WSS - now it's the Sleigh Ride. Good Santa ate some cupcakes, and dunked the rest into Bad Santa's face. "WE GOT MORE RAW COMING!" led to "I'm sick" from JBL.  Punk cut a wacky babyface promo saying he's usually a loner, but he needed Santa's help and got it! Cena's great at being super-silly here. THIS RULED!

Zeb talked more about Santa being an illegal immigrant. Sadly, he did not have visual aids this time. Zeb's got a Christmas-colored shirt and tie combo on. Swagger looks odd in a giant shirt that's too long for the jacket. THEIR FEUD WITH THE MATADORES RESUMES! Which means the Matadores are back on TV! The bull is in white, with white lights on his tail and horns. Again, THIS they go through great lengths about - but not guys selling injuries. Epico's rana was countered into the big swing. Matadores did the old switcheroo. So it's okay to cheat as long as it's an old bit. Swagger...almost kinda sorta sold a shitty double headscissors spot that didn't touch him. Epico did Henry's back avalanche against the ropes.  Torito gored Cesaro's nuts and one of the bull fighters won with a flying crossbody off the top. What a bunch of cheaters! Re-airing of that Cena-Shield vid.

Kofi in his stupid yellow and green gear, and blue and yellow head band, came out to lose to Ryback. BATISTA HYPE VID! Good lord does he do everything Ryback does but better. Kofi hit the big Sin Cara flip dive onto Ryback on the floor. Giant Goldberg chant. HBK's up for a Golden Moose award for his show. Delayed suplex got 2. There's just nothing to this match. Batista tweeted, and Ryback did a slow-mo double axehandle that got countered with feet to the face. Kofi hit the Christian fulcrum kick, and the crossbody. RYBACK IS BEING JOBBED OUT TO KOFI KINGSTON. Good lord - to think this man once seemed like a viable opponent for Goldberg at WM, or a WWE Title contender. Meathook saved Ryback and led to the Shellshock.

Another JBL equipment ad knocking Beats in what seems like the audio equivalent of the SNES-Genesis wars. Troops vid aired. Cole put it over as Vince's 11th trip overseas to see troops. Barrett and his money gimmick were out at his podium. THE MONEY IS COMING HOME WITH HIM! At the very least, Good Santa should've come out and given the fans at ringside the money. Shield cut a pretty good promo on the main event. Rollins has gotten quite good on the mic. Reigns sounds so intimidating - I wonder if Batista's return is being done in part to have him team with Reigns or face him so they can have him say he excelled after leaving a group, and so can Reigns. 

Big Show...dressed as Baby New Year in a diaper... THIS MAN DIDN'T DRAW ON PPV!? Cole buried that idiocy. Someone named Plonsky apparently hates DP and Nachos. Okay. Cena and Big E did a wacky sign, and they put him over as THE man here. Great bit with Cena doing his pose while a "sarcastic fans REALLY like Cena" sign was behind him. JBL put the Shield over as having the best rookie year of any group in history. Well, that's easily true. They haven't drawn as much as the Freebirds did in their day, but are sure as shit better workers and promos than the NWO was. Some solid action before a break between Cena and Ambrose. They brought up Cena losing to Rock, then regaining it to how he lost to Orton and could regain it again.

Nice snap suplex on the floor from Ambrose to Punk. Punk played Ricky Morton here taking abuse from everyone. Front facelock from Ambrose led to Cena telling the ref to check and see if it was a choke - great little touch there from Cena. Punk fought back with forearms and chops...on a guy wearing a vest. This didn't work well, and he got locked in a bearhug. Nice intense side belly to belly - he's got the intensity that Ryback needed for his push. Ambrose prevented a tag to Cena, who was jumped by Reigns as well. High kick from Punk led to both he and Ambrose falling on their asses to sell. Big E and Rollins were in and Big E destroyed him. E, like Reigns and Goldberg, is explosive and that helps him a lot. Big splash to Ambrose and Rollins, but Ambrose tagged in and nearly got hit with the Big Ending. Cena saved E from a loss and ate a spear from Reigns to avoid an AA. Punk's flying clothesline took Reigns out. Big Ending to Ambrose finally hit, but the other Shield guys caused a DQ by attacking him. Well, that's not quite as good as giving him the big win, but not much worse - he looked strong. AA and GTS hit and the faces stood tall. All three faces got their themes played at the end. Super-fun show.

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