Monday, December 2, 2013

Raw 12-2-13

Pre-show hype for the UNDISPUTED/UNIFIED Title match at the PPV starts off 5 mins before the show. IN TWO WEEKS, ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT MATCHES IN WWE HISTORY will happen.  Punk looks like he's 180 pounds in this all-black getup. Punk said after a week, he realizes he knows he's in denial - and got a cheap pop in the process. Punk said he apparently made some comment about HHH on Raw last week, which I completely forgot. He also said he's ONE OF THE BIGGEST ANTI-AUTHORITY FIGURES IN WWE HISTORY! Hey, can I try on your blazer? Steph's out to welcome him to the queendom. Love Punk saying YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT MY THANKSGIVING! Steph saying words...I think this exchange will wind up peaking with YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT MY THANKSGIVING! Kane's reading a whole bunch of scripted stuff that would be far more entertaining if he took a breath with each word. Kane with his hair grown out looks a good 5 years younger now.

The Shield came down. Steph told them to back down. This has only been going on for ten minutes. Kane made Punk-Shield for the PPV. BOO! That match seems far worse than Punk and the BROTHERS RHODES against the Shield. Cole read a quote that ONE MAN WILL LEAVE TLC AS ONE CHAMPION. So there's their out for a fuck finish. On the app, you can pick which goofy name the unified champion is called. Also, after weeks of gimmick matches, Dolph and Sandow compete in a regular rules match to determine number 1 contender to the IC Title. Because now they're going after that title for some reason. Oh yeah, the Slammys are next week.

Sandow's promo got like three sentences due to this ad. Big E read off WWE Facts about the IC Title being held by Austin and the Rock before. Loved him saying he'd like to face Dolph since they played Skip It. I demand a skit of Big E and Dolph playing Skip It. Second rope moonsault from Sandow missed by 20 miles - Dolph didn't even have to try and move out of the way. Holy shit - Sandow won clean with the full nelson slam. Poor Dolph Rejobb. They showed a Cena-Orton face off title graphic. Orton really doesn't feel like an 11-time world champion.

It's Total Divas vs. The True Divas with Nattie and the Bellas against Summer, AJ, and Tamina.
You know what? Tamina would make for a fine reality show character. She's had a pretty fascinating life in some ways. Hilarious bit with them talking about Skip It while AJ skipped around. I guarantee Skip It trends worldwide tonight. Summer choked a Bella with a ballet pose, then bonked her with her ass. AJ's still skipping. Brie almost selling a foot choke there. DDT faceplant by Summer - nice move. Got 2. Summer begged for a tag, got it form AJ, who was nearly locked in the sharpshooter. Twin Magic is now the name for their double dropkick-ish looking thing. Nattie got a cradle to win. This fell apart at the end. A graphic with Bryan being kidnapped was shown - he faces Rowan tonight. Ad for Miz's Christmas movie aired because it'll be on DVD and Blu-Ray tomorrow. That Grudge Match ad made me sad. Very sad.

#BadNewsBarrett debuted with a podium. He just cut a cheap heat promo against OKC. That sure was a...gimmick debut. Orton told Brad to tell everyone that Orton is bigger THAN WWE ITSELF. They plugged a Daniel Bryan interview on the Steve Austin Show - a bit surprised to see them plug that show on WWE TV given that it's rarely PG, but good for them to do so. Bryan just came down and did his deal. Bryan should've at least cut a promo about BEING KIDNAPPED. Hype vid for Dolph, who just lost, being on SD. They replayed a bit of Bray's promo from SD. "He will be safe with us" - wasn't he found Monday night after the show in a parking lot? JBL said that Bryan looks like a Wyatt family member, or an Oklahoman, since he has a beard. I think the booking is driving JBL insane, because he's just rambling. Rowan did some clubbering and hit a knee drop that looked terrible. Ad break.

JBL lost his mind again with Edward R. Morrow calling him J. Morrow. GOD. FUCKING. DAMN. This commentary. Second "you can't coach size" mention so far. King rightfully burying JBL for is commentary tonight. Backbreaker from Rowan led to a big splash that missed. Daniel Bryan got a fluke win over Rowan via schoolboy. Fucking hell. Wyatt thing hit, then Wyatt appeared on the tron to tell the guys to stand down. Bray is legit the best creepy promo since Jake Roberts. He talked about seeing Bryan "chasing his little girly friend on TV with diamonds". Then he just said a bunch of stuff. Hype vid for the unified title match, which is a unified title match (and a TLC match for that matter) for some reason. Why? Logically, nothing either guy has done to each other (yet) warrants it, and Cena's just coming back from injury.

Bryan bumped into Kane backstage. I'm mildly disappointed that Kane doesn't have a red phone cover now. Kane made Bryan-Wyatts at the PPV. THEN HE DID THE YES BIT WITH HIS INDEX FINGERS. Highlight of the show so far. Replay of the Woods-Clay drama. Why not just used Xavier's NXT theme? It's pretty awesome. Cole said that Brodus looked like a VICTORIA'S SECRET MODEL GOING DOWN THE RUNWAY. What in the fuck? Are there illegal substances in the water tonight? Brodus's gear having scales on it looks so stupid. Truth's white and black getup is awesome. VINTAGE HEART PUNCH from Brodus. Honor Roll clothesline got 2 before Brodus head bonked him. Big splash off the second rope missed, and then Woods tried to hit a la majistral but Brodus wouldn't go over, so he wound up covering Woods briefly before just flipping for him. I honestly hope that was it for Brodus. There's no movement for him at all and they've killed him on commentary. Brothers Rhodes and Show face the Shield tonight in an unannounced match. So tonight's unannounced six-man is better than anything on the PPV.

The double cross of the year is now a category. SIN CARA'S BACK with a goofy arm tattoo. Okay, in close-up, it looks neat. And he's also appeared to gain a completely new skin color and gained about 20 pounds. ALBERTO-SIN CARA in another best of 9,000 series. Alberto said he'd send Sin Cara across the border via INS. So now he's Zeb or something. Vickie apparently made AJ-Nattie for the PPV based on Nattie's win tonight. So why can the SD GM make a divas tag title match based on a Raw victory? JBL referenced Boyd Pierce and Cole talked about Reiser Bowden. Sin Cara fucked up an Asai Moonsault. LOLed at King asking if Alberto would ever want to wear a mask. Flying headbutt done differently. Seems like it's Hunico under the mask again. Top rope enzuguri missed and the Swanton got the win. Wherever this leads to be will probably be more interesting than this was. They replayed the clip of Orton punting Cena's dad in '07 to make their current match seem important.

Korn's supplying the TLC theme. Am I in high school again? Cena cut a wacky promo about the world and WWE championships. Now the titles are a south-north war, and the world title's lineage is connected to the WCW and possibly the NWA Title again. PEOPLE ARE STILL DEBATING WHICH TITLE IS MORE IMPORTANT. One has opened tons of PPVs, the other hasn't - no one's debating it. Shield said they'd kick Punk's ass. Oh yeah, Show had a concussion last week. Totally forgot about that. And he's fine now for some reason. Awesome hype vid for the Raw 20th anniversary set. Ambrose sold Show's chop beautifully. Great bit with JBL saying he likes King since they've got a birthday together...and JBL was charged admission to King's free museum. IT'S REIGNS-SHOW! SWEET CHRIST the sound of that chop to Reigns. Cody's now got silver to his gear with a black base, so it at least looks better with Goldust - although it's still got winter green in it. They referenced Show helping the Brothers Rhodes win the titles, which they should've hyped up before since it wouldn't made this seem more important and less random.

Nakamura knee from Cody got 2. Cody played face in peril, which led to the crowd caring less. If only Goldust could play both the face in peril and the guy receiving the hot tag. Seth bonked his head on the buckle during a Stinger splash attempt. Show got the tag and ran wild. Show's run was amusing there, and a bit sad. The low bridge took forever too. Seth's flying knee took Show down and he took him down more with those "take a bump and get up" kicks. Muta elbow from Ambrose led to a sleeper attempt and a back suplex from Show. Ambrose and Rollins set up for the powerslam/neckbreaker combo that some other team did, but Show prevented it. Reigns speared Show, and Cody took him out. Superplex onto Ambrose was teased onto Rollins, but he moved and cradled Goldust for the win. THIS RULED! It was a half-hour of greatness. Oh, and what will Punk do at the PPV? I don't know - but he should watch this match again and again. Punk addresses the Shield next...why? Clips from Breaking Point aired. "Orton-Cena...absolute torture..." Yup. So if Orton wants to win, he should just tie Cena up again in cuffs, right?

Punk cut a wacky happy promo about FEELING PRETTY! Then he sang that he felt PRETTY, AND WITTY, AND GAYYYYY! Well, if you're going to be in a stupid angle, you might as well have fun with it. OH FUCKING HELL IT'S BARRETT AGAIN! Everyone's constipated. Well, that's a pleasant visual. Miz and Kofi are teaming again for some reason. And they re-showed the Orton-Cena graphic where Orton has multiple left arms. Goldust faces Ryback on Main Event, to in theory set up a match with the champs against the Ex-Heyman Guys. They're facing Miz and Truth. JBL talked about his buddy inventing THE YOUTUBE! JBL then rattled off history. His salary is dropping by the minute. Every wrestler before 1960 had the nickname of "the Great" according to Cole. Delayed No Burial Suplex got 2. Miz isn't working like a face or heel - he's working like a jobber. So Miz didn't take in BECAUSE IT'S NOT HIM. So now they're a team again. Shellshock got the win. Rybaxel/Axelback got the win. Miz re-turned heel two weeks after turning heel. The bull fighters sold merch. THE BULL ABSOLUTELY LOST HIS SHIT AT THE REY DOLL and the title belts. THE BULL HAS A PHONE! This is glorious. 

The LOL moment of the year can be voted on. Summer danced in a hot dress before Henry came down. JBL's like a dancing version of Frank Gotch...Henry danced. His black and yellow/gold gear is awesome. Kneeling DDT from Fandango got 2 - I'm so giving him that tomorrow when his 2K14 DLC hits. After saying Summer's stupid, JBL talked about her being a big WW II buff. Big Slam won. Henry gyrated. NOT EVERYTHING INVOLVING A GYRATION IS A TWERK! Goddammit, they're replaying the vomiting bit. Cole at least looks absolutely disgusted to the idea of seeing this again. Well, Vince just spent thousands to have that edited into a video package for his own amusement at a dinner party.

PTPs are in the ring for a tag match after that. Punk faces...A MEMBER OF THE SHIELD on SD. Swagger and Cesaro have an awesome new track jacket. I want this track jacket now! Titus is a babyface for puking in Zeb's hair - and PTPs now stand for Prime Time Pukers. Digging the new black/white/grey camo gear for Swagger. This whole look works for him - except for the iffy fake tan. Fairly big WE THE PEOPLE chant. Swagger bomb/WE THE PEOPLE double stomp led to a sick tease. In a week, Titus went from being on-screen with Strahan and getting some national TV coverage to being the guy who pukes. King, a 60+ year old man, didn't know that crackers and ginger ale can aid an upset stomach. Swing tease. So if DY doesn't want it to happen, why doesn't he just get in the ring and stop him? Very European uppercut counter to a diving whatever from DY got the win for Cesaro. THE APP RESULTS are they really matter - they'll just call it whatever after a week. And this was the main event match because the signing is next. But first, an annoying Total Divas ad.

The TLC match is now going to be called THE GREATEST MATCH IN HISTORY, and the app vote of "The Unified Champion" will now be taken under consideration, so they don't have to adhere to it. HHH said there would be one champion after the PPV, and Steph said the same thing just to say words. It's 11 and the intros are just now done. I liked that they waited until now to fill the arena with a clusterfuck of props. Even in sentence fragment form, Steph's impossible to listen to. HHH put over the lineage of the WWE Title and had Steph put him over instead of himself - so he's humble you see. HHH said the WHC went back to O'Connor, Race, Flair, Dusty, Taker, HBK, and as Steph said, THE GAME HHH. HHH rambled on for seemingly ever about legacies. Cena put his title on the table proudly, while Orton just kinda threw his down onto it. The contract was signed, and Steph cut a promo letting both men know they could cut a promo. Thank God Steph gave THE WORLD CHAMPIONS OF THE COMPANY permission to speak. Orton said he's better than everyone - including HHH, and that's why he was chosen to be the face of the company. Cena said Orton was an underachiever, while Cena said that Orton was the most gifted superstar ever. They basically brought up him being dumped in the mid-card for a while off and on due to getting complacent. At 11:08, Cena said it was time to cut to the chase. HE ISN'T AN APEX PREDATOR, he's just John Cena - and he's referring to himself in the first person. Cena cut a promo about using tables, ladders, and chairs tonight - instead of just using them. After Orton tried to attack, Cena fought back with weapons - the usual one shot with each thing to set up a TLC match. Cena mugged before slamming Orton into the steps. Cena gave a kid his shirt. Cena got hit with a ladder. They're now using the props way too much for free TV. IT'LL BE A MATCH FOR THE UNDISPUTED UNITED CHAMPION! Toss through the table for Cena. I'm now numb to these things being used. AA through the table. This went on for-fucking-ever, but was decent at times.

Screens -

8 Title wins - 2 left arms

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