Thursday, December 26, 2013

TNA Impact 12-26-13

The awesome episode of Cops with the guy arguing with a cop and his mom in the cop car before Impact aired again. The in-credits vid showed Hardy's sick bump on the ramp. They had an epic song play for the Magnus-Hardy match, which worked well until they showed Spud's goddamned ridiculous getup. THE MAGNUS ERA OF IMPACT BEGINS NEXT! Unlike last week, they shot this to make it look like the building was packed. Spud came out with a black and grey Tubbs shirt from '88 and a tiger-striped bowtie and the wackiest most British goofball song ever WHILE MARCHING. He introduced her as Santa, Lady Gaga, and Queen Elizabeth - MADAME Dixie Carter. So does that make TNA a whorehouse now? They did a terrible job with the hard camera here - a bright green chair was shown with no one in it right next to Dixie. "Magnus is the top man in Dixieland!" So I guess she's the bottom. Hardy came down looking 45 with a bland grey wifebeater. Spud told him to take his creatures and stick them up his backside. Hardy got pissed and shoved Spud, while EC3 jumped Hardy. Sting came out, and the heels ran. There's way too much going on here. Sting got the crowd alive saying he wants to kick the crap out of EC3. Sting demanded a tag match with he and Hardy against EC3 and Spud. Dixie made the match because she wanted to make it. This felt like it went on for ages.

Dixie tried to make her announcement, but she was interrupted by Gunner. I could do without more talking. Gunner tried to cash in his shot, and Dixie denied him. Well, he's quite the goober. Then Storm came down...TWENTY MINUTES of talking, and none of it has been really good. More #totalnonstoptalking. Storm said that Gunner owed him something. They referenced the bar brawl and barb wire deal, and Storm said that Gunner could've told Roode where he was going to be. Storm wanted the case, and Dixie made the match and told everyone to text and Tweet about. I wouldn't text my worst enemy about this show. They did a staredown. A guy in a Sting shirt is next to a fan dressed as a chair.

TNA RANDOM TAG TEAM #39593 HAS EXPLODED! The Mega Powers got a year-long build, this got...I guess you could say a couple of months, maybe. Taz said that Storm was just bitching and moaning, while Tenay backed up Storm and said that since they're ex-partners, THEY HAVE TO IMPROVISE! Because it's fake. They did moves. Then Tenay just hyped up Dixie's Twitter without a sense of irony. If he's a face, he should at least be sarcastic about it. How good can TNA's second-screen experience be when the first-screen one is barely tolerable at times? Spear to the floor. Some brawling, and it ended via double countout. When was there even a count? The idea behind this was to make you want to see a big match, but this was a fail. Brooke bitched to Bully about him not texting her back. Darth Bully staring in the distance was a nice-looking visual, but this gimmick doesn't seem to be working as well now as it did even a month ago when he was citing Biblical verses.

Magnus did a promo burying his gladiator gimmick and the British Invasion, but put over the Joe team. Magnus buried Hogan. The Aces and 8s beating of him was put over as him seeing he was on the radar. This was easily the best thing on the show. Then Brooke's ass came out in leather pants and with a new theme. Brooke said THAT SHE HASN'T TALKED TO BULLY IN WEEKS. Minus that conversation we just saw, apparently... Biblical Ray came out. A We Want Devon chant broke out. Brooke said she was tired of being his dog...WHY IS BROOKE DOING ALL THE TALKING WITH BULLY IN THE RING!? Brooke said Bully used guys, and she used him. Then she buried, now she's a heel I think. Crowd booed when she said she wasn't his possession. Then Bully said she'd be done when he was done with her. Well, that was a bit wrong. Bully said she was just around a few certain uses, and she wasn't good at them. So once again, her character's just a whore. The wacky game show music hit as he cut a promo about possibly piledriving her. Bully said he could put her head between his legs and piledrive her, but he won't - she just needs to spread his word. Then he told her to leave. This was a trainwreck. Monster's ball is next, BUT FIRST, a wacky graphic with Spud. Park cut a promo about the match being barbaric.

Another Magnus vid focused on 2013 with him getting a big pop in the UK. Magnus said that being in the MEM was a huge deal because it showed that others believed in him, and so he did too. He said that he wasn't brought in to be their equal because they feared him, so he proved himself in the BFG series. Then EC3 and Spud met with Dixie. Dixie cut EC3's nuts off by belittling him. A Park video played up Abyss being his dark side. ABYSS IS IN THE FOREST! Or maybe it's Jerry Jarrett's backyard like Kamala. Al Snow and Big John hit the Abyss theme. It's back to his older theme and not the goofy bell tolling one, which is good - sadly, it hasn't been changed into muzak.

Sting and Hardy had an expository discussion about being up the young punks and Sting saying he always wanted to tag with Hardy. Hardy said he didn't show up to wrestle. Well, then why go to the wrestling TV show as a wrestler? Bad Influence came out, but Daniels' speech at the camera wasn't caught on a mic. Loved Daniels walking around with the crutch before bonking him with it. Park got beaten up some more. Park splashed a trashcan lid onto Kaz. They're doing stuff. More stuff. This is dragging. EY teased punching Park open to help him, but BI took him out. Cane shot missed EY and hit Park. Park took some shots, but they now had no effect. The visual of the fake blood came off better here than usual thanks tot he amount of it and the white shirt. The end of this was good stuff. Tapa-ODB is up. BUT FIRST, Hardy calls his wife teasing something.

More with Magnus. Magnus said the BFG series was his shining moment, except for the loss to AJ. He said that after the loss, he decided to never take a loss like that again. He talked up his win over Sting as showing him that he could be the man. He said he knew what he needed to be to get where he needs to be. Tapa and her awesome theme came out for a match with ODB. Someone here is an octopussy. Tapa looks so nervous out there even just holding Gail's belt. ODB was pushed back, and pushed back with her tits. Taz talked about Gozilla movies and their characters. Who would be Jet Jaguar? Taz then talked about the ref being Dr. Evil while Tenay begged him to pay attention to the wrestling broadcast he's paid money to call. ODB did a couple of hooter splashes in the corner. Flying legdrop from Tapa missed. Nice overhand chops from ODB to Tapa. ODB hootered up and Gail used the belt to distract the ref. TKO got the win for Tapa. Sabin in a blue and white flannel shirt met with Velvet to talk about how great their holiday was. Sabin said his new years resolution was to make sure Velvet did whatever it takes to help him get the belt back. Velvet rejected this and he guilt-tripped her. Sabin as the teenage douche rules. Hardy and Sting said words that were hard to hear due to music playing - I think their match is next.

One Night Only Tag Team PPV was hyped. Magnus said that Dixie saw something in him before anyone else because she flipped through a mag with AJ. Magnus said that he had to fight through Dixie's regime in the match - not Hardy. After these things, Magnus actually feels like the world champion. They showed Hardy meeting with a disabled fan in the front row. That was a sweet little moment. Hardy's got white and blue paint on with a black and purple top. EC3 goes from being in the ring with Shark Boy and Curry Man to being in there with Hardy and Sting. Spud's out with his coat and goofy bowtie with silly tights on it. Dixie's big announcement was a ceremony for Magnus next week. Dixie also said it's a tag match main event - but will now include the BroMans on the heel side. Spud's actually working in the bowtie. At least he's going full-boar with this deal. Spud looked so tiny in there with every guy in this - it was great. Taz said he wanted a last name and Carter works for him - TC3 baby! Sting was the base for Hardy's dive to the floor, which surprised me. Hardy was pulled onto the apron and took a nasty bump for the ad break.

3-on-1 beating on Hardy. Loved Taz saying Spud either stole his sister's pants or he's dressing like an '80s version of Motley Crue. Jesse locked on a nice half-crab, and after more beatings, he got a 2 count. EC3 yelled then did a giant Stinger splash that Hardy avoided. Sting got a hot tag and did the backhand punch and punches to guys. Then Spud jumped on him and he still kicked ass. Stinger splash on the BroMans, but EC3 snuck in and cradled him for a pin holding the tights. EC3 and Sting have pretty good chemistry - this match overdelivered. Hardy told Sting he was sorry - Sting's the reason he got in the business. I like the giant CROW STING belt a fan's got in the crowd. Hardy said that Dixie's taken his heart out of the business, and he needs his heart. He's sick of the politics. Big Hardy chant. Sting told him to not say what he thinks he's going to say. Hardy said that the fight's gone - it was his last match in TNA. HE WILL LEAVE AND NOT RETURN UNTIL THE SUN SETS ON THIS DARK KINGDOM. He loves his creatures. This was a good way to explain him being off the UK tour, but if someone was to believe it, it also comes off as them saving more money by cutting talent - something that's become quite clear over the past few months.

Screens -

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