Monday, February 10, 2014

Raw 2-10-14

Raw started off with Betty White coming out to a modified Kerwin White tron and THE BIG SHOW by her side. Then she said she's gonna KICK SOME ASS! Then the Authority came out and hugged her, because...they're faces. Steph's white and black outfit rules. Orton, called NOT A HAPPY CAMPER, by Lawler interrupted HHH's rambling promo about the Chamber. They talked about Orton being opposed by the Authority. Okay, so the Authority are heels when it comes to...the lead heel, and faces when it comes to faces. Wonderful. Steph's "ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THIS AGAIN!?" ruled. Not so much her dressing down of Orton. The fans chanted Daniel Bryan and YES YES YES leading to a great bit where Steph talked about Orton caving into the pressure of facing Bryan. Orton said he wants to be the face of WWE OUTSIDE of the ring. IT TOOK SIX MONTHS FOR ORTON TO WANT TO BE ON TALK SHOWS!? Loved Cole putting over the Yes Movement on Youtube. "THEY'RE DOING IT IN HIGH SCHOOLS IN FAIRFAX, VA!" Steph then cut the nuts off of everyone saying that NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO INTERRUPT HER and Hunter. Bryan demanded a match with Kane, but Steph said he was on leave due to attacking him last week - AND HE'LL HAVE A STRONGLY WORDED LETTER in his file. I bet Kane will have to write "I will not chokeslam people." 100 times on the chalkboard, too. Orton, who hates the Authority, put them over huge. VINTAGE TONIGHT IN THIS VERY RING from Hunter. They wanted to give Bryan the night off, so he revived the NO chant. Well, that sure accomplished fuck-all. Bryan won't have a match, and Orton both loves and hates the Authority, or something. 

John Cena is more liked than a rapist and an adulterer! On Facebook. Rey came out and they hyped up his poster in WWE Kids Magazine. Big E's pecs aren't WWE Kids Magazine-friendly. Cody's now wearing a giant knee brace after doing that moonsault off the cage. So that was a really goddamn stupid thing. Rey's under the bottom rope slide was turned into a splash thanks to Cody - THAT RULED! The Bellas don't stand for bullying. QUACK QUACK, BULLY, QUACK QUACK! Bray busted out a jumping Earthquake splash on the ropes before turning it into a punch combo - nice. Great finish with Cody doing dives, then everyone else does crazy shit and Rey does the job. They went to a break and came back with a ROMAN REIGNS RUMBLE HIGHLIGHT VIDEO! Renee to get a strongly-worded letter in her file about wearing Steph's colors tonight. Nice promo from the Shield here. Renee called out Ambrose for never defending his title, before Roman said he's not much of a champ, and then Dean made an open challenge. Betty White then met with the divas and the Outlaws, who wood her. Nattie explaining the premise of Betty's show was something else.

Oh thank heavens, we get a highlight video of Cena-Orton. Sheamus and Christian face the Real Americans later. Santino faces Fandango. Emma doing the powerwalk rules. The silly dance-off got a highlight video. JBL chants broke out right after Cole talked about them. Awesome. VINTAGE HOROWITZ sign.  Cole talked about Miz doing commentary because he's "Not figured into the show" because it's fake. Fandango won with the flying legdrop. Summer Rae's boohoo face afterwards ruled. They need to show Emma's dance and the fans doing it on NXT to get this over on Raw. Sheamus was joined at this time by Byron Saxton. Sheamus talked about being friends and enemies with Christian. I remember absolutely nothing Sheamus and Christian have done together. Okay, I'm done with Sheamus saying words again.

Christian got a jobber intro, then cut a meh inset promo. Christian looks a billion years old in this close-up. Zeb cut a promo on Sheamus sneaking back into WWE. MASSIVE pop for Cesaro, who then cut a nice promo. Nice ride from Cesaro leading to the Cesaro lift to Christian. Giant WE THE PEOPLE chant. Cesaro and Sheamus had a tremendous European uppercut exchange. I'm so doing a match between them in 2K14 later. They came back from a break with Cesaro taking the Irish Curse. I demand a best of nine million series between Cesaro and Sheamus. Very European Uppercut hits Christian and only gets 2! NO! A MIGHT ROAR from Cesaro after the flying double stomp to Christian. GLORIOUS giant swing from Cesaro there. CLUBBERIN to Swagger! Tremendous bit where Cesaro hit him with the uppercut when he was in the corner Brogue-ing. TORNADO DDT TO THE FLOOR ON CESARO FROM CHRISTIAN. Brogue kick FTW. THIS MATCH RULED! I approve of Sheamus and Christian being a team - they've got great chemistry together. Cena talked about THE PAST DECADE BEING DOMINATED BY CENA AND ORTON, and there being a great change - THE NETWORK COMING IN TWO WEEKS. Also, this match tonight is the most IMPORTANT PART OF THE TIMELINE, and it closes out their rivalry.

KFC HAS POT PIES! This fucker is way too impressed by a pot pie. Cole sang the "Hollywood" song terribly. Youtube highlights for the Batista Bomb aired. Dolph's out to face Alberto, and it led to them recapping the Alberto-Batista...rivalry thing. STOP SLAPPING THE MAT AFTER EVERY ELBOW, Del Rio. Alberto kicked out of THE ELBOWS THAT KILLED A MAN at 1. Big grounded kick got the win in no time. Wow. What in the fuck...Dolph really is too fast. STOP MOVING IN A THOUSAND DIRECTIONS! Alberto could barely do the armbar on him. Batista having a seemingly random pattern of athletic tape on him is amusing. Batista demolished Alberto. Batista bomb through the why bother with a match then? BATISTA HAS ONCE AGAIN GOTTEN HIS REVENGE! Batista then threatened him with a monitor...he's a heel right? A goofy video for the Network showed you how to turn stuff on. New HOF inductee!

WWE HAS 260 MILLION FOLLOWERS ON SOCIAL MEDIA! HHH met with Batista and told him to watch it. "This is a publicly traded company now" - as opposed to...when it was one DURING BATISTA'S ENTIRE CAREER! Oh, and we get Batista-Del Rio for whatever reason. Lita's got into the Hall...well, she deserves it for that shitty sendoff in '06. So who inducts her? Punk's gone, and dating AJ, while the Hardys are on the outs. I guess it could be Edge. Road Dogg drugged Betty White's tea. Road Dogg is trying to date rape a 92 year old? And then she did the old switcheroo. This will lead to...something. Whatever. YAY HENRY COMES BACK LATER! Maybe he'll accept Dean's challenge and do a unification with Big E.

Outlaws were out for commentary, but only shown after Cole explained the bit with Betty. So surely the Outlaws are onto what happened given that COLE JUST EXPLAINED IT, right? Loved the Road Dogg referencing the Samoan Swat Team, then Billy got buried by Cole. Randy Savage chant broke out. Oh, and Rybaxel are facing the Usos here. LOVED the Road Dogg saying there's ALMOST A MILLION great teams in WWE - but he's not good at math, so don't hold him to those numbers. Lots of hype for the Usos here. I'm all for Usos winning the tag titles from the Outlaws. Ryback did a flip over the ropes and I think fucked his hand up in the process.  Billy then held his ass a bunch. Ambrose's title match is next.

A terrible Psych ad aired. Thank God this show was cancelled. Ambrose came down and of course, it was Henry. Love Reigns bopping his shoulder like "you got 'im...". Henry's new black, white, and red gear rules - especially with the knee pad graphics on it. They did a bunch of nothing until an ad break. Chrisley throwing a son's phone in the water ruled - highlight of the segment so far. Shoulder-mount powerslam from Herny. WSS hit, but Rollins prevented a three count. BIG SPEAR from Reigns on the floor to Henry. WYATTS THING...complete with full "we're here" bit. They had a standoff, and Reigns was the first man over the barricade willing to fight. They did a glorious standoff bit that I had is recreated for the PPV, only with the Wyatts backing down. Then things got weird as Bray said "make your move" and they just did the break-in part and played an Orton-Cena highlight. Bobo Brazil got the black history month vid. In a way, he should've been first.  Clips of his HOF induction were shown - he looked damn good for his age.

Aksana is back! Naomi will be out for a few weeks due to Aksana. Nikki's ass is looking quite fine. The Bellas went for a terrible Poetry in Motion stinger splash, but Brie couldn't get more than naval-high. "In 2005, in Japan, JBL was attacked by an inflatable dinosaur!" - that was great. A Be a Star vid aired. This is the most amateur-hour video WWE has produced in ages. Nice tale of the tape for Cena - especially after JBL put over Stephan Bonnar being there. JOHN CENA GRANTED HIS 400TH WISH TODAY AND IS THE #1 WISH GRANTER IN HISTORY. WWE is so modest. God bless Cena, but this stuff is too much. Nice Rusev vid from SD replayed. Mr. No Days Off, Mr. Kane came out! He talked about being on leave, and admitted that his actions were ill-advised. Bryan came down and they brawled. Love Kane getting sent out in the Katie Vickie 4 HOF section of the crowd. So with the week off thing, this made no sense, but whatever. Cena-Orton is next!

Wacky 8-man tag on SD, and IT'S ORTON-CESARO! YES! THIS DE-FINES OUR FUTURE, TONIGHT! Yeah sure, Cena. Cena and Orton did all of their regular offense, although I dug Orton dragging Cena around by his arm band. Nice punch and kick exchange from them - good intensity. Great cocky heel stuff from  Orton listening to the crowd. Great AA counter into the backbreaker. AA countered into the RKO GOT 2! AA got 2! Super leg slice...was no-sold so the AA could be done and that got the win. THEIR RIVALRY IS OVER.. in this match with no stakes. And that will be renewed at the PPV.

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