Thursday, February 13, 2014

TNA Impact 2-13-14

That episode of Cops with the latino kid arguing with the cop about his mom and stepdad is on for the millionth time before the show. Poor Frankie. The credits hype vid focused on how Dixie Carter has destroyed TNA...The show-opening one focused on MVP's takeover. Rockstar Spud is dressed in banana yellow pants and a Philip Michael Thomas-esque black and blue polka-dotted jacket. Dixie is in the ring with the WORLD CHAMPION and is dominating the promo. Taz is sadly back. EC3 bragged about ending the career, in quotes, of Kurt Angle - not only an Olympian, but a model American. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS YOUR CHAMPION SPEAKING! Magnus rules. This was easily the peak of his reign so far. He hates Manchester and is NOT a  paper champion. Why the fuck is everything blue?! This deal kills Xplosion and further killed that ECW reunion PPV. It's marring Spud's fine wardrobe as well - a man doesn't wear that shade of yellow and want it to be covered up. Magnus talked for I believe 19 hours about things. MVP and Joe came out to SAY MORE WORDS! MVP said that Dixie's got a lot of mileage and wear and tear...yikes. MVP announced Joe-Magnus for the title on the PPV. Magnus just beat Joe on that Old School PPV as champ too. Gunner's out to threaten a match. He said he'd cash in NEXT WEEK on Impact. TNA has managed to really kill the briefcase gimmick, in every way. Even Money Inc. got it over as a vile weapon for goodness sake - TNA can't even make it an exciting way to make a title match. MVP called EC3 C3Pio. Fuck, this has only been going on for 11 minutes. MVP pitched a DOUBLE LADDER MATCH tonight for two cases. MVP's thought process reminds me of Robin's from the Batman Movie. IT'S A BALL-POINT BANANA!

That goddamned seizure-inducing ShopTNA ad aired. The opening match is the double briefcase ladder match...because of course it is. Why the fuck wouldn't you start a show with this? Nice dropkick off the apron to Gunner when he had the ladder - good stuff. BOY IT'S SURE BEEN INTERESTING TO FOLLOW DIXIE CARTER ON TWITTER, TAZ! Why is the babyface announcer plugging the lead heel's Twitter account? Powerbomb off the ladder by Gunner to EC3. Two minutes in Magnus came down to take Gunner out. Storm came out to help Gunner. I'm sensing a HOLLA HOLLA TAG MATCH in the force playa. So now, AFTER THE WINNER TAKES ALL CASE MATCH, it's a WINNER TAKES ALL CASE MATCH. Thank the lord above he clarified that. It's a tag match. Fuck this company.

The 1-800-BAD-DRUG ad is hilarious. They came back and it's a tag team ladder match, not just a basic tag match...okay then. Nice Superfly Dive from EC3 onto Gunner while he was lying on the ladder - dude does a purdy splash. Magnus did a big leg on Gunner, then EC3 dropped an elbow. Nice double team hip toss from GunStorm onto EC3 on the ladder. Iffy Cactus clothesline from Storm to Magnus. Nice uranage from Gunner while he was on the apron - it looked fake as shit, but was a good spot. Good-looking diving headbutt - this feels like a star-making moment for him. Gunner got the cases! Gunner carrying the cases around with his mouth looks awesome. This casket match graphic is about on par with 1990 AWA. Anderson cut a promo about family. Anderson's got cute kids. Good for him. Call Vince, apologize, volunteer for NXT, jury duty, latrine duty, whatever - JUST GET OUT OF TNA!

The BroMans group met with Rockstar Spud, who was busy splitting the room 50/50 in Dixie's favor as much as possible - like an I Love Lucy episode. MVP talked about how THE FANS WANT TO SEE WRESTLERS WRESTLE! MVP made the Wolves and a partner against the BroMans group. I think that involves Ion. I'm not sure. Recap of the monster's ball bit. DJ Zema and the Bro Mans came out. The Wolves came out - just as The Wolves, Dixie didn't even say their names. Davey's twitter name is stupid. Joe's the partner. The show could really just be an hour long - we'll have already seen Dixie, MVP, the top tag acts, the number 1 contender, the world champ, and a ladder match. Davey's giant tat on his left arm looks weird on him. Davey doesn't even feel like a star in this version of TNA, where there are no stars. Apparently, the casket match is the main event? Why? They blew it off a month ago in a mid-card match. Choke to Ion ended this. This was fun, even if it meant nothing. I can't wait for the Tokyo Bullets to make their TNA debut. Abyss walked backstage and choked a bitch. OH MY GOD THERE'S ANOTHER HOUR+ of this.

Velvet's cleavage asked Dixie's saggy skin to cancel her match with Sabin. Dixie is citing THIS, THIS OF ALL MATCHES as an example of having wrestlers wrestle. Spud called MVP washed-up, and said he's an Artful Dodger...MVP scheduled a match against Spud next. Because of course. Why the fuck BUILD UP ANYTHING!? A tremendous recap of the monster's ball aired. MVP's idea of NEXT is apparently after Abyss comes out. He had no mask and demanded the lights be kept dim. Giant blue lighting is not dim. He wants to conceal his identity, but instead of getting one of five billion Abyss masks. Whatever. EY and his erect nipples came down. EY said he helped find "his brother Abyss", which is quite true. EY sounds like such a badass with his scratchy voice. These two have some really good chemistry. Abyss cut a passionate promo about demolishing his own body, ending careers, and leaving carnage wherever he goes. THIS RULES. Abyss said, in his Joe Park voice, that he couldn't "be him" anymore. He needs help. Abyss needs his happy pills. He needs to go away, fix EY's mistake and find someone who understands him...perhaps JANICE! Tenay was speechless, and than said "MVP is up next" in the most disgusted voice ever.

Buy porno and sex toys at Adam and Eve for 50% off. HERE'S THE TNA LIVE TOUR EVENT SCHEDULE! Earlier, Samuel Shaw in his creepy murder gloves helped Christy load her stuff into a bus and then sniffed his hand. Spud's silver, black, and gold gear is five billion stars. BIG MOMENT BIG MOMENT. Yeah, it's gear coming out. HUGE MOMENT, HUGE MOMENT! No, it's not. Everyone in this stalled. MVP's got a gut and love handles now. Shining black got the win. Velvet-Sabin is up next. Roode came into the building and opened random doors.

A goofy video for WILLOW (not the wisp) aired. This is really stupid. Bobby Roode threw a trash can in the general area of Dixie. First thought after that Willow video "Son, get off the drugs." Maybe Coming to America is after Impact again this week. Thank God, INSTEAD OF VELVET'S ENTRANCE, we get a recap video. They showed a sign about letting the pigeons loose, but didn't actually show it. And instead of her doing it, we get Sabin doing Velvet's intro. Velvet is a stripper.  She might be wearing less, actually. Sabin called her a skannk. Sabin is a skinny motherfucker in this gear. Velvet kicked his knee, this his balls, he showed the cup, took it off, got hit with another low blow, and then the Alpha Female attacked doing the Chyna ragdoll bit with a full nelson instead of a bearhug. This was something. Bully went through Ken's stuff and found his passport, then called his wife to tell her he's going to kill her husband.

Yet another Adam and Eve ad. Roode talked to a guy about needing time and "it being over". "I don't remember when I last saw Bobby Roode that down in the dumps!" - I DO - WHEN HE GOT HIS PAYCHECK! Goofy Bully-Anderson recap vid. Bully the poet sucks, as does Anderson in indy geek gear - now it's pea soup green. Bully showed a Liverpool this is just pure comedy then. Anderson's in a shirt too. They brawled and went to a break.During the break, they did stuff with a chair, then they came back and Bully kicked it into Anderson's face during a corner charge. It's 10:50 and THERE'S MORE WITH DIXIE AND MVP!? Jesus Christ. Apparently, Dixie's offering him a buyout...out of nowhere. A table was used here in this casket match. Big superplex from Bully. I'm just numb to this. They did a casket tease spot that made everything look really cheap. Anderson hit a shot to the stomach sold as a low blow, powerbomb through the table from Bully. The crowd chanted "this is awesome" for some reason. Piledriver countered into a mic check into the casket for a win. This was nothing. Please let that be the of this feud.

MVP drank water backstage. Dixie said that EVER SINCE MVP came in, he's been getting involved in the wrestling aspect of things. EVER SINCE, a whole two weeks ago. Dixie said that wrestlers were terrible businessmen. Wow. MVP said he came to TNA not for the money (which is good), but to make it the best it can be. He throw the contract away via ballin! And he pitched Lethal Lockdown for the complete control of the company. "I WANT YOUR SHARES!" I want this show to end. MVP played checkmate with Dixie's flowers and the show ended with Dixie being pissed and looking at a wall. What. The. Fuck.

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