Monday, February 3, 2014

Raw 2-3-14

Looking forward to tonight's tag title cage match a lot, and wondering if they'll even address the Punk deal. Oh thank God - Raw begins with Orton saying words. Cole explained that Orton isn't happy because he'll have to compete in the Chamber against 5 guys. THANK YOU FOR THE EXPOSITION, COLE! Orton then exposited about stuff. He said he won the title through hard work and dominance - Orton for BDSM Champion. Now I want Barrett to win to get revenge on Orton for saying "bad news." More words. ORTON IS JUST. PLAIN BETTER THAN YOU, DAVE! Orton called himself the main attraction for Raw, leading to HHH coming out. Steph and Hunter then talked down to him like they always do. HHH pointing out that everything's the same every week doesn't do jack shit to solve the problem. Steph said that over the next few weeks, Orton will face everyone he's facing in the Chamber match. Tonight's match is...Daniel Bryan. HHH then did the YES chant. Wow. Cole alerted the Universe that before PPVs, they have things called PPV Kickoffs, where the Outlaws won the titles. The cage match isn't escape rules, just pin or submission. Shield 6-man is up with no hype or clue as to who they're facing. They came down so clips of HHH dressing them down on SD could air. All of this crap somehow only took up 12 minutes of TV time. Sirens looks absolutely terrible. YAY REY'S IN THIS MATCH! Also, Kofi and Big E are in it too. Cole said that Ambrose held the title for 264 days, and then JBL buried the stat since he never defends it. Seth's the architect and Dean's the lunatic fringe... Giant leaping knee from Seth missed and Rey came in to be awesome. Roman's got an olive green shirt on, and they went to a break with him going after Rey.

Roman's giant apron dropkick was an app exclusive. THERE'S A REASON 10 MILLION PEOPLE HAVE DOWNLOADED THE APP! Yup, they downloaded it, deleted it, then reinstalled when something exciting was announced for it. Rey's Halloween gear rules. MASSIVE bodyblock from Big E, he just steamrolled Roman. Big German suplex and an ultimate splash gets 2. Reigns looks so badass with some blood on him. Great stuff with Big E just going nuts. Reigns hit the superman punch showing a bloody eye, then Ambrose did a blind tag and won with the headlock driver. A Best in the World sign was on the hard camera. Bray cut an awesome promo about being the king, with Harper saying he's always been king, and Rowan saying RUN!

Bad News Barrett delivered some BAD NEWS about the Super Bowl, and then King insulted and said he could be gone next week. Why? The app recap happened, and they talked about how big the value was for the WWE Network. IT WOULD NORMALLY COST YOU $675 for all the PPVS, BUT NOW IT'S ONLY $120! This countdown idea sucks for a DVD, let alone a regular show. They hyped up WHO WOULD BATISTA FACE at WM. Well, presently, Orton - duh. Christian and his super-faded red and yellow gear came out for a match with someone. Maybe it'll be Swagger so they can be 50/50. Chrisley Knows Best also seems horrible. Yup, it's Swagger. I hope a fifty-fifty chant breaks out. GATOR ROLL from Swagger. Nice face on the apron bump from Christian when Swagger countered a kick. JBL said Cole was stirring the pot. How dare Cole try to stir the pot - that's there for Jack to smoke! They talked about Christian being the underdog "in this match". Thank God it was clarified that he meant the chamber, because I don't get how Christian is an underdog in a rematch he won before. Nice flip from Christian into the reverse DDT. Because after a cool flip like'd of course not go for your finisher from the exact same position. Swagger bomb countered into knees and the blind sunset flip for the win. Wow - Christian is definitively better than Swagger - nice! And this meant so much they showed Outlaws-Rhodes hype. Cage match is up next. Road Dogg came out and talked like a face again. The constant burial of Billy is a bit much.

NEXT WEEK, BETTY WHITE IS THE GUEST HOST! Wow, they're really getting in on the tail end of the Betty White train. Big main event intro for this - Cody's got his arm bandaged. I love that Cody at least attempts to go for injury continuity. Billy took his shirt off - looks like Billy Gunn. Other than the love handles, Billy looks amazing for his age. MASSIVE CM Punk chant broke out. This is indeed a match with moves in it. ALBERTO DEL RIO WILL NOT STAND FOR HATE! This would've been a great PSA when he was a face. I guess this will be a cage match so Cody can do a moonsault off of it. Blind second rope back elbow from Goldust to Billy. Big boot from Billy to Goldust. Shake, rattle, and roll punches were countered into a Double A spinebuster. Buncha stuff happened. Goldust was rammed into the cage hard and I'm sure he said OH SHIT. Disaster kick got a 2.99999. Cage moonsault missed Road Dogg completely, and then the fameasser hit.  Goddamn that sucked for Cody. Awesome chamber hype vid had some crazy angles from old matches. KFC commercial to hype up the Woods and Truth tag match.

Ryder's in the ring while an epic Roman-sounding theme hits. It's for Titus. Odd-sounding for him - I thought it would be for Rusev. Ryder's got super-jobberiffic gear on tonight, split with one leg a different color. The fuck, the Miz is just rambling on about shit. Oh thank Christ, now we get a 3-way Miz-Ryder-Titus feud. Ryder looks like a damn CAW with this gear and haircut. Nice double backbreaker>sack of shit toss from Titus before winning with the Clash of the Titus. So... he went from being in a major tag team to...being a singles act and beating Ryder in a match where Miz stole their thunder. THE FRITOS GO...ON THE SUB!? WHAT KIND OF MADNESS IS THIS!?

Fandango came out and Cole talked about him being in a BIG COMPETITION! THE BIG COMPETITION. Which is what? Since it's black history month, they're putting over black stars in wrestling. YAY ERNIE LADD! Shitty legdrop, but man, Rusev should steal that double bearhug. THIS VIDEO RULED. This was a pleasant surprise. And the Fandango thing is a dance off. No. It's against Santino. JBL gave his gym a plug. Santino said the dance-off should have Summer AND A MEMBER OF THE AUDIENCE! YAY IT'S EMMA! Summer's ass was shown off nicely. Emma's dance got NO reaction, but her ass looked great in her pants.

Sheamus came out for a match and Cole put over the graphic for the app being downloaded OVER TEN MILLION TIMES! Sheamus faces the Perfect Jobber here. Cole talked about how great it is that Sheamus smiles in the ring. I'm just so gosh-darned happy that this ass-kicker SMILES in the ring. Great backdrop counter kick to the shoulder from Axel. Yet another "this is a bunch of moves" match, at least this one has a story with the arm though. Armbars gave the crowd openings for CM Punk chants. You can say he loves to fight and give him the Finlay roll, but that sure as shit don't make him Finlay. Brogue Kick got the win. A heelish HBK video hyped up his next DVD - I love the logoless shots of epic shots they show to hype these up. Batista's out NEXT in douche getup.

A clip of Psych aired...why would anyone watch this? BOO-TISTA came out. Alberto wearing a T-shirt under his velvet jacket just looks cheap.  Oh, and he's got jeans on. Wonderful. They talked over each other. Oh boy, this is going great already... And they're making sure to show off the grey in both men's facial hair. Both of them are in too-tight shirts and jeans. And then they teased stuff, and did less than they did before. This was like a feud going in reverse order. This segment feels more like what Batista's return would've logically been, instead of having Batista kick his ass then, and now say he has no idea why Alberto hates him and has no issue with him. Batista's got grey chest hair too. Wow. A BOOTISTA SIGN MADE AIR. YAY. Wyatts tag is up. They talked about Dolph's promo, but didn't show it. Truth sang. Some really white dudes dance to it.

MARK HENRY RETURNS NEXT WEEK! Nice grounded rabbit lariat from Truth leading to a legdrop. Nice stuff with Dolph and Harper. Bray tagged in and took him out with Sister Abigail. Nice BOOWHHOOOHOOO bit from Ambrose burying the Wyatt stuff. "Gotta risk it to get the biscuit." So USA is now TLC. RUSEV SMASH! Divas match with Aksana and Naomi is happening. AJ is now minus an ass. How sad. She's good on commentary though. Naomi did the Bubba bomb with a rolling cradle - nice touch. AJ said she lost to Naomi due to being distracted by glitter and estrogen. Cole buried AJ saying that she could reach Moolah's record of 27 years. Why? BECAUSE SHE'S NOT 27. They talked about Mr. Belding and a Twitter crawl rolled with someone saying the Wyatts are "creepy AF". Naomi's rampant ass-shaking ruled. Bad kneedrop should've gotten a count, but didn't. NASTY knee too. An is creative hiring sign made air, and then Naomi won with the RVD split-legged moonsault.

Orton came out for his match with Bryan while he got buried for whining. He faces Christian on SD.
"Orton doesn't just have to go into the chamber, HE HAS TO FACE ALL OF HIS OPPONENTS BEFOREHAND!" - so the poor heel needs to valiantly triumph over the odds to retain his title. Nice Muta leglock from Bryan and then it got turned into both a backbreaker and a cradle. Bryan rules. Celtic Knot from Bryan. Bryan didn't use kicks until Orton was on the floor - so he kicked his legs on the barricade! Then Bryan tossed him onto Cole. YES! Their TV matches always wind up being better than the PPV ones, except for maybe an SD one a couple of months ago - it's bizarre. CAN THE CALGARY CRAB DEFEAT THE WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!? It's so odd for the face announcers to not talk about how the heel deserves facing all of these guys based on what he's done.

Kicks got countered into an iffy exploder. King said that Orton compared the Yes Movement to other movements that need to be flushed. Love seeing all the finger and arm stomping from Orton here. ORTON COULD INJURE EVERYONE LEADING INTO THE CHAMBER! Finally, an angle to this story that makes sense. I like the ECW-style ROH shirt being worn by a guy next to the Best in the World sign dude. YES Lock was put on, but Orton got to the ropes. This match is so awesome. ORTON COUNTERED THE CHAIN OF DROPKICKS WITH A DROPKICK! Draping DDT hits! Diving headbutt hits after an RKO counter for 2! A Vanilla Midget sign made air in 2014. Mr. Kane came down and was taken out by Bryan. BRYAN HIT THE RUNNING KNEE FOR THE WIN! Wow! And since this didn't happen on the Raw before the PPV, it seems like he actually has a chance to win the title! Kane and Orton ganged up on him. Chokeslam to Bryan. The crowd wanted Cena, and got no one. Roman would've been a good choice to make a save, although that's probably better to do when the face turn is further in motion. For some reason, Kane interfering means Bryan can't be the face of WWE.

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