Thursday, February 6, 2014

TNA Impact 2-6-14

The most basic recap of the MVP deal aired. The show properly began with Abyss and EY brawling backstage. TAZ IS ON ASSIGNMENT...if they taped six weeks of shows with no Taz, then why keep doing that bit? Just say he couldn't fly over. Love the old chick on the ramp going FUCK YOU at Abyss. A bell rang, then A COWBELL rang. After a couple of minutes of generic brawling, Abyss got a table. More punching. A chair...Goddamn this is one generic brawl. It's like they had a match in 2K14 and said yeah, let's just do stuff we can do in the game. Earthquake splash from Abyss was met with a chair to nuts. They've got the ring miced up way too loudly - every single step in the ring sounds like a superplex. Wedgie-riffic chokeslam got 2. Christy and some chick next to Christy look bored. Tenay saying HOW SCARY Abyss is just means nothing. He had a bit of a killer vibe when he was a wacky movie monster in 2010, and even then, only a teeny-tiny bit of one. THE TACKS. Holy shit - a sunset powerbomb off the top into the tacks! Opener has tacks...whatever. Got 2. Great spot with EY on the top and hitting EY with a punch sending him to the floor and through a table - I want Show to do that. HE GOT HIS FOOT ON THE ROPE, so it was 2. WHAT!?  Abyss brought out the budget version of Janice, leading to JB instantly asking how he got it through customs. EY took his mask off and then Abyss hit the Black Hole Slam. Abyss without the mask and in the Abyss getup looks bizarre. About 90 camera shot a boring meeting with Roode and Dixie. They bickered because he lost his match, but was promised a shot. She said if he could beat Joe tonight, he'd get the match. "HE'S BEEN EATING GUYS UP!" "Hey, I don't care about his diet!" was a great bit.

A seizure-inducing KOs ad aired. MVP came out. I hope MVP's group is called the Three Halves. They had a crowd shot that made it look like they were in there with tens of thousands of people - it was great. The half-man, half-amazing bottle-poppin mack is back! MVP talked about jail and said he learned there are consequences for your actions. He loves wrestling and is tired of seeing crazy owners ruin it. MVP said he's made a lot of money in wrestling, and then found some friends to help he went to ROH's top team for money!? "Mismanagement and bad decision making have been preventing TNA from reaching its full potential!" Spud came down and MVP insulted him. Spud's "DIXIE CARTER IS ALL ABOUT MAKING STARS!" line was great - this angle has fine potential for a Youtube compilation. MVP then made Angle-Magnus tonight. Why? BULLY RAY SANG GANGSTA'S PARADISE! Bully said that the next guy he saw, would be stuffed into his casket...okay. Given that he's presently addressing the camera man, I'll give him a pass on not just beating him up

Kurt's HOF bit will be in three weeks. Sabin, in the world's most purple room, talked about Velvet. Sabin's hair looks beyond douchey. CURRY MAN RETURNED WITH A WACKY SCOTLAND HAIR PIECE!  Then Bully was a jerk and came down to beat him up. "It's not even a match!" - when are those ever on Impact? Nice delayed piledriver on Curry Man. Shame this is all leading to ANOTHER Anderson-Bully match. Wow. He was actually able to fit Curry Man in that tiny casket - I'm amazed by that. Bully actually scared a little girl doing his Stan Hansen bit on the barricade - GO BULLY! Dixie and Magnus argued. Another nine billion camera shoot here, with EC3 joining in. Spud showed off a fine Oscar Meyer spread for MVP. I'm disappointed this ad doesn't feature Austin plugging Sherri's Berries.

Well, Curry Man might've just been killed, but who cares - IT'S AUSTIN ARIES! MASSIVE Austin Aries chant here. Wow. He cut a great promo about how great he was, and then DJ Zema came out and bonked him with the case. "Cashing in" money in the bank makes sense. "Cashing in" FEAST OR FIRED makes no sense. Their most-hyped ONO PPV yet, Old School airs TOMORROW. Wow. Nice flying tornado DDT from Zema. Corner dropkick led to the brainbuster and the win for Aries. TREMENDOUS bit with a kid in a Joe shirt being all wacky. Angle-Magnus was hyped up as being next. Now logically, why wouldn't Angle-Magnus close the show?

THE HEMME STALKER ANGLE WAS RECAPPED! Then they showed Christy doing her makeup and Samuel Shaw walked up behind her all creepily. He said he likes to collect things of beauty and PERHAPS he went overboard. She shunned him, and he looked all pissed. This gimmick has something to it, which is more than "here's a guy named Sam Shaw" did. He looks creepy, this all-black getup works for him, and there's definitely a way for this to get over. I doubt this is it. Roode and Magnus argued. "I'll tap out any night of the week when the title's not on the line." - So...he really is a paper champion. I think Roode is a face now. I don't know. OH THANK THE LORD, MORE TALKING. MVP, Dixie, and Spud talked backstage. Dixie bragged about taking TNA from a small-time thing to A GLOBAL ENTERTAINMENT EMPIRE! Dixie is dominating a promo with MVP in it. No. The acting of both Dixie and MVP here is terrible. They talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked and talked, then MVP finally left and showed off the lighting rig for the set. Angle didn't even get promo time before this match with the world champ and yet we got nine years of Dixie talking. Kurt...attempted to move in a way that human beings are known to do.

Astonishingly, the match actually began without tons of talking backstage. JB announced a return to the UK in 2015 - well, they've at least got some planning going on. Rolling Germans 2 minutes in. This feels like a video game match with specials turned on to start it. Straps are down, ankle lock 4 minutes in. EC3 clipped the knee. Dropkick to the knee. Chair to the knee. I've finally figured out what's hurting EC3 - he looks like The Model with this purple getup. Then he did a really shitty kneebar. Nice little bit with EC3 watching from a chair he used to mangle Kurt. In the closeup, EC3 looked a lot like Gino Hernandez.

TNA's hour one main event gets a sex toy ad. Tremendous. They recapped the EC3 attack - at least they're putting this over as a big deal. Joe met with Angle on a stretcher. For whatever reason, he was sweaty. Or maybe he just got out of the shower - that would explain him not helping and being all wet. He name-dropped ROH star AJ Styles, Sting, and Jeff Hardy. He was crazy intense here. Monster's Ball recap. EY said some words. Sabin douchebag recap - complete with wacky webcam vid. Sabin talked in that room about he and Velvet having their first kiss here. VELVET WAS AMAZED BY CAMERAS BEING HERE. Wow.

Old School PPV ad. Roode vs. Storm, from 2012, is now OLD SCHOOL! Wow. Sabin and Velvet talked. Sabin's hair in pink silhouette is hilarious. Sabin teased a proposal. WHY IS SHE HAPPY THAT THIS ASSHOLE WOULD WANT TO GET MARRIED!? Then he showed that the case had no ring in it. HA! Then he did the whole months-long Mero-Sable deal in about nine seconds. Remember the months long build to Mero-Sable? Yeah well, we're getting 90% of that angle in two minutes here and finishing it next week. This was awful, and it required Velvet to act. Yikes. Recap of the MVP-Dixie stuff led to a recap of Joe becoming the top contender. Well, at least their filler highlight videos ares used to make the current programs seem like a bigger deal. Bobby and his Highspots long vest came down. Joe came down, and then they went to break for another Adam and Eve and KOs ad.

I could really see Roode as the Chief Morley to HHH's Eric Bischoff right now. Shame he's stuck in TNA, although he's at least a main event act you can always wonder "what might have been" if he'd gone over at the right time. Nice dropkick from Roode to Joe when he was on the apron. Roode Awakening got 2. Great running Yakuza kick>senton from Joe. I wish he'd take some time off so he could get in better shape. As it is, I'm amazed he can do what he can still do. Oh yeah, the MVP-Dixie is coming. I completely forgot about THE SUMMIT! Nice chop handprint on the chest of Joe. Running Northern lariat got 2. ST-Joe in the corner. I'm digging this match a ton. Muscle buster and the choke get the win. I really dug that match - I feel like having it in FPR after the show.

Dixie booking herself to be the hottest thing ever seen by the 20-something Spud is hilarious, although she does look kinda hot in these tight pants. Then she just kept talking and talking about shit."Dixie, your mismanagement has brought this company to its knees". Tremendous. That was great, this whole bit sucked though and took up way too much time.

Screens -

1 comment:

  1. "I really dug that match - I feel like having it in FPR after the show."

    They had a singles match on January's One Night Only PPV (Hardcore Justice 3) that you'd dig.