Monday, February 17, 2014

Raw 2-17-14

A Last Monday graphic flashed on-screen for half a second with Cena-Orton shown in a freeze frame. It's NYYEEEOOONNN Cena! That same graphic was shown with footage during Cena's intro. The chamber is so brutal IT CAN END THE CAREER OF A WWE SUPERSTAR! THE WINNER OF THE CHAMBER WILL PUNCH THEIR TICKET TO HISTORY! Now the chamber is pushed as the ticket to the main event of WM - so it's like the Rumble, minus the history or feeling of importance. ODDS PROVE that we'll see a new WWE World Champion, which means that won't happen. YAY CESARO'S OUT. Looks like we'll get Cena-Cesaro tonight. He isn't just going to become the new face of WWE, HE'LL BE THE FACE OF AMERICA! According to signs, it's Happy Juggalo Day and AJ's a Spider Monkey. SHEAMUSSAYINGWORDSASFASTASHUMANLYPOSSIBLE! Oh yeah, he's facing Orton tonight. And hey Christian's out too. At least Orton is consistent with the Authority now - since the second half of his Raw promo, he's been thankful for them. Bryan has his new Che/Andre-inspired YES shirt on. Bryan buried everyone's catchphrases. "One more match" hasn't been a remotely okay catchphrase for Christian since 2011. Mr. Kane came down to say that everyone else well face people since Orton's facing Sheamus. Cesaro-Cena was made, and that would leave Bryan and Christian to do something. It'll be a singles match NOW. Could be good. YES. Roman gets a singles match against Henry, and they're doing a rematch from ME with the Matadores and Hunicara against the Wyatts. Christian jumped Bryan, so I guess he's a heel now. Might as well turn Christian heel now - he'll be just as un-over as a heel as he as a face. Christian's bitter over being "the only man in this gauntlet who hasn't been able to run the gauntlet!"

I love Christian demolishing the arm - it gives them a story to work with on the PPV too. MOUNTED PUNCHES TO THE SHOULDER led to a Calgary crab from that same position by Bryan - nice! Tornado armbar DDT by Christian. STANDING DIVING HEADBUTT CHAIN BY CHRISTIAN! They came back with Bryan on offense - he was able to nail him with the buzzsaw kick combo. Christian countered the diving headbutt with knees to the shoulder. Christian countered the dropkick chain with a boot to the face and then the flying European uppercut. Killswitch countered into the VINTAGE HBK WM XIX FINISH! Bryan won with a flash cradle and this match ruled! Kane congratulated him on "a hard fart victory" and said Bryan has one more match tonight - against him! THE PERFECT BACON BOWL! The product one on Earth needs! Kane is working in an undershirt. Looks bizarre. Kane did a bunch of arm stuff. Boring chants broke out for whatever reason. That ended the second Bryan got on offense. I like the ringpost crossface chickenwing - would rather see Ambrose use it - it led to a DQ. Kane said he knew he was DQed...and this just ate up time. That was boring, but this seems to be building up Bryan for a title win at the chamber. Recap of Roman's spear to Henry on Raw. Renee met with the Shield again. Hey babygirl. Ambrose took credit for demolishing Henry, leading to Reigns saying he know he can do better than Dean did. Dean said Wyatt was an illusion, and Roman said BELIEVE IN THE SHIELD!

Fandango's in the ring with a jobber intro. Good lord, it's another Santino-Fandango match. THEY FINALLY AIRED A HIGHLIGHT VIDEO FOR EMMA. Now, this gimmick kind of makes sense on WWE TV since you can see the fans going crazy for her and her doing moves. They hyped up Summer Rae being THE FIRST DIVA IN A WWE FILMS PRODUCTION. Emma airplane spun Summer on the floor leading to Santino flirting with her. Emma as Holly Flax is weird. And then Santino got beat. Henry's new Hall of Pain - admit one ticket shirt sucks. Henry was pissed. I hope this leads to Henry being a face with an edge again. TONIGHT, HE GONNA INDUCT ROMAN INTO THE HALL OF PAIN!

Reigns and Henry didn't do much until Reigns hit a super-smooth Samoan drop. Henry took a flip bump for a corner kick, ate the Superman punch, and the spear. So Reigns>Ambrose. Ambrose was pissed and attacked Henry. THEN BRAY SANG, cut a great promo, and Reigns called his bluff. Reigns takes no shit. Other than JBL saying they were in a "fast hurry" this ruled! Bray entered, then Reigns stepped up. The rest of the groups stood forward before the Wyatts left. PERFECT buildup here. Cena-Cesaro and Orton-Sheamus got graphics.

Rhodes Bros vs. Rybaxel is the pre-show match - an SD death slot match in any arena in the world. The Brothers Rhodes. then played with action figures. Then Bad News Barrett destroyed their playset leading to them talking about Taker and his bike flying. This started off sorta funny, then got stupid. I expect BNB segments during the summer involving the destruction of sand castles. Swagger's up for a death slot match against Kofi. Kofi, ONE MONTH AGO BEAT THE WORLD CHAMPION. Wheelbarrow German suplex by Swagger got 2. JBL got a chant. Then Punk did. I hope "go home" gets one soon. Kofi hit the pancake splash off the top to Swagger for 2. The shittiest SOS ever got 2. Cole referenced that move beating Orton a month ago. Patriot lock is on and he tapped out. So Kofi went from possible WWE World Title contender to beneath Swagger in the IC Title hunt in a month. Amazing. BIG E is in action next, but first, a little showdown between he and Swagger.

It's Big E against Jinder and Drew. Drew's got new leather trunks. Zeb's doing commentary. This is death. Zeb read stuff off his hand. The crowd came alive when he asked if Big E could beat Swagger. Belly to belly to each led to Drew nearly landing on Jinder's head, so he crawled over to do the double ultimate splash. Big Ending to both guys - sadly not at once. Nice tilt a whirl variant to Drew. This was a mediocre version of Ryback's 2-on-1 handicap matches. BIG E IS SUPER POWERFUL, yet didn't do any moves to both guys. Yet another Bacon Bowl ad.

So after the old white guy talked about owning Big E, here's the Black History Month vid. YAY BIG RON SIMMONS! It's amazing how much more important Ron's title win became with history than it was at the time. When does Michael Hayes get his black history month video? ELIMINATION CHAMBER IS ONE OF RON'S FAVORITE PPV EVENTS...for reasons that Cole won't get into. An awesome Chamber hype video aired. Cena said some words about the Chamber and Cesaro. No clips of Cesaro's win on SD. You could think it was just by DQ with how they've talked about it.Weird. Cena-Cesaro is up now.

The WWE Rewind focused on Cesaro's win and showed the whole finish - thank goodness. Cena will be on the Steve Austin show tomorrow! RON SIMMONS IS TRENDING WORLDWIDE. Cesaro's name is just Cesaro as a throwback...for some reason. Nice nip up into a water pump arm attack by Cesaro. VINTAGE RICK STEINER CATCH into the tilt a whirl backbreaker! They hyped up Cena as having the same workhorse attitude as Cesaro, AND THE SAME UPBRINGING IN WRESTLER. Yeah no. Cesaro dominated until he missed a corner charge and ate a promobomb and fist drop. AA countered into the very European uppercut for 2! GIANT SWING COUNTERED INTO A DDT. HOLY SHIT THAT RULED. Cena's got crazy core strength. EUROPEAN UPPERCUT TO CENA TOOK HIM OFF THE TOP AND TO THE FLOOR. Holy shit. Cena's doing his best to get Cesaro over here. ELGIN DEADLIFT SUPERPLEX FOR 2! STF WAS COUNTERED INTO THE SWING! AA countered into a flip big boot, then a lariat from Cena! AA got the This was epic! HBK DVD hype. They picked a terrible time to release that WM DVD set since every match, and a missing one, will be on the network.

"You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time" - perfect Abe quote on a wrestling show. Orton thanked HHH for all he and Steph did for him. Orton then thanked HHH for insulting him... Boy, Orton comes off like such a pussy here. Orton buried Big Dave. THEN BIG DAVE SHOWED UP. Orton isn't the face of WWE, HE'S THE ASS! Yup...that's a line. Everyone in this looks old. Renee added Titus-D-Young to the PPV. I hope that goes better than JTG-Shad did. They recapped the Titus-D-Young stuff from SD without the best stuff - Titus on commentary! Titus came to WWE to be a champion and how do ya spell champion? T-I-T-U-S! THE ENTIRE LOCKER ROOM WILL HAVE TO DO ONE THING, AND ONE THING ONLY - witness the rise of Titus 'O Neill. Great intensity there. Matadores came out. I like the revamped gear with a crucifix for Hunicara. Wyatts doing spots with the bull is a bit too wacky. Like Roman eliminating him - it's just too weird. Swanton missed into the spinning clothesline. Sister Abigail takes him out. Network hype - hard to believe it's only a week away.

 Outlaws are out with their face promo. It's them against the Usos. Or not. It's Billy-Jey. Usos-Outlaws will be on the PPV for the titles. YAY! Billy hit a clothesline and Jey did his dad's sell of it. Cole is laughing. I presume stuff is happening in the match. NICE corner punch from Billy. Schoolboy for the win...dammit. I was hoping for an Usos title win. Could still happen at WM. Then the Usos attacked the Outlaws. Goddammit, Sheamus is saying words. He can taste the WM main event. Yikes. Main event time - this is where Dixie and MVP discuss stock options, right?

They recapped the Shield's 6-man tag on SD, with Sheamus kicking Christian. They'll face off on SD, so I guess Christian is officially a heel again. Cole repeated the Batista line, but said backside. Really now. Backside. ORTON IS O AND FIVE, O AND FIVE IN CHAMBER MATCHES. CAN THE COMPANY'S TOP HEEL OVERCOME THESE ODDS!? A CM Punk starts this off immediately. Well, this match did lead to Fandango's chant becoming a big deal, and the whole post-WM Raw craziness. Orton worked on the shoulder. Headbutts. Superplex...Backdrop through the announce table. Well, that's different. Not sure why it isn't a DQ. The ref's counting Sheamus out - what a dick! Draping DDT was countered into apron clubbering. RKO countered into THREE IRISH CURSE BACKBREAKERS. Nice! Shield came in to cause a DQ, leading to Cena coming to make a save with Bryan. Then a giant clusterfuck with everyone in a major match at the PPV coming down and brawling. Wyatts and the Shield brawled a tad bit, but it was just part of a bigger cluster with this. And just ended.

Screens -

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