Monday, November 24, 2014

WWE Raw 11-24-14

 Sting gets a new logo and NCIS has a corpse being shot out of a torpedo tube! Raw starts with a fantastic Sting tron and... THE AUTHORITY STARTING THE SHOW WITH A PROMO! Wasn't last week THE LAST RAW THEY COULD EVER APPEAR ON if they lost? Steph says their team would've won IF IT WASN'T FOR ONE MEDDLING MAN! STING! HHH called the fans BULLIES! HHH's head folds are something else. HHH goes on about supply and demand and commerce for some reason. HHH says that Sting came back JUST TO STAND IN THE RING WITH HIM FOR 30 SECONDS. He rambled on more about things and got a boring chant. More rambling about The Authority being responsible for everything. "What are you going to do when Raw isn't on?" Watch football? OH MY GOD! IT'S THE REGIONAL MANAGER OF WHOLE FOODS! Daniel Bryan is back and he YESed them in the ring, on the floor, AND up the ramp. That ruled.

Bryan's running the show tonight and Seth's not amused. Team Authority, or as Cole called them THE LOSERS came out. Bryan made Seth and 2 partners against Cena and Dolph. Bryan didn't name the partners, but did make the parings. Henry and Harper, Henry and Kane, and NOBLE AND MERCURY! The true unsung heroes of the Authority angle! Bryan talks to Kane about Dr. Shelby - him as Director of Operations made him go off that path...and hey, he's in charge...hmm... At 8:24, Bryan started teasing stuff for Kane - including him being the Director of Food and Beverage, and he'll be Concessions Kane. It's so weird to see Kane be a human being. Bryan talked about Rusev and his anti-USA stuff. Bryan teased a company-wide battle royal for the title OR he can recite the Pledge of Allegiance. Why can't I vote for a battle royal? Rusev as a comedy act isn't going to work for him right now. Bryan talked to Harper about J and J security helping him win the IC Title, and giving Ambrose a title shot. When it came to Henry, A BIG GUY asked him for some help. So we get Ryback-Henry or as Bryan calls him THE RYBACK! He's in charge and THAT'S WHAT I DO! FROM BEHIND, here comes the babyface to attack. They brawled for a minute before a break.

Afterwards, the bell rings so the match is on. Meathook wins after a minute. Goddamn, HHH and Steph are slow walkers - they're still backstage. Vince looks 100 here and says he's not angry - he's disappointed. Vince tells them to never be sorry - but he might be for having to spend Thanksgiving with them. They left in a limo...with a bumper sticker on it. We'll at least see a limo return and have it be implied that it's The Authority returning leading to something tonight.

Dean's out in a new grey and white DA sleeveless shirt. Boy are those initials a bit of good luck since he gets a distinct logo out of it. They shilled the Austin-Vince podcast after Raw and even the Bray one tomorrow. Kind of a tough match to book here because if you involve Bray for the finish and keep it on Harper, you callback to the Family really quickly. Harper doesn't really need a long run - any benefit he'll get as champ can be done with the "Former IC Champion" label. Dean works on the arm with some nice chain wrestling, but eats a chinlock after the break. Harper got some nice chops. JBL talked about HOW HORRIFIED HE IS THAT NOBLE AND MERCURY ARE TRENDING and YOU SHOULD NOT VOTE FOR THEM. I love that Henry was possibly put in 2 matches by Bryan tonight. Brawling outside led to some running cross chops and a corner forearm by Dean, but Harper counters the bulldog. Trapped dropkick rules. He goes for it again after more chops and punches, but eats a Black Hole Slam for 2. Backslide out of the Liger bomb for 2. JBL and King completely no-sold Cole trying to get them to care about Roman. Flying standing elbow kinda hits for 2. Harper's European uppercut leads to the rebound lariat from Dean for 2. Harper grabs the belt to leave, but eats a dive. Harper shoved Dean into the ref for a weak DQ. They do some chairs, table, and ladder teasing before Bray attacks. He buries him under chairs next to the announce table. Usos doc looks awesome.
Big E New Day video...not digging this. THE STARS OF JINGLE ALL THE WAY 2 are booed before coming out. Larry's out in shorts and a Rey mask. Larry looks about 60 and an old 60. Oh great, now it's Stardust Can Fuck Off Too. He hissed and Goldust slapped him on the ass as he said he shit himself. Tag title rematch is up, or at least them facing the new champs - so not a rematch. Mizdow came down with the titles. Miz has both real belts, while Mizdow gets 2 replicas. The gold and bronze toy belt looks better than the real one. And it's not a rematch because it's just these two teams. Miz ate a reverse atomic, so Mizdow did one on himself too. They plugged the movie horribly. I can't wait for Jingle All the Way 3: When Christmas Broke Kayfabe starring the Christmas Creature and Xanta Klaus. Stardust hissed some more. Miz is being attended to on the floor by the doctor, which is either part of things or not. Stardust looks like a fucking candy cane with this red paint. Okay, he's doing in character bits yelling about his face, so he's fine. Mizdow gets the figure 4! They're telling the story of Mizdow sticking in this even without Miz. Miz, like many, is faking an injury to avoid watching Raw. Miz gets a blind tag, the Finale, and the win. "Daniel Bryan is running things, and that's sort of the theme of WWE 2K15!" Only not. What the game is really about is having people in charge who have no idea what to do with you.
Concessions Kane was talked down to by a cute brunette. IF EVEN A CRUMBLE OF A CHIP IS MISSING, HE'LL HAVE TO PAY FOR IT! Kane doesn't like to send the government a check as an independent contractor, so he damn sure won't like that. Rusev refused to say the anthem, leading to Bryan appearing on the tron. Bryan's chest is pale and hairy. He called out Slaughter to supervise the pledge. Sarge brought the American flag down. Sarge yells at them to do this. Isn't Rusev supposed to be doing this? I get why you'd have Lana do it though - make her look weak instead of Rusev. Rusev knocked this off quickly and yelled at Sarge. They teased Sarge-Rusev and delivered Swagger-Rusev. GO RUSEV! Beat that stupid haircut off of Swagger! Or not - ankle lock and they go to the floor, so...maybe a post-break match. Cole's rambling about stuff, so it's not going to be a match tonight.

Kane handed concessions out to random people before putting mustard on Santino and Larry rubbed the mustard on his hot dog. Sucked. Speaking of which, Rosa's out for a rematch of Fandango-Gabriel. This didn't get over before the PPV and it's not going to get over in a death slot. They're still singing his old theme - I'm not sure if this is an improvement over him not being over a lick last night or not. JBL outright said nothing exciting was going on, and won with the legdrop while the fans chanted for CM Punk. Big Show THE BIG TRAITOR is recapped and he'll be out next.

Ambrose faces Kane for...some reason tomorrow on Main Event. Show came out and said he's not a bad guy - he just made a mistake last night, and everyone's made one. He hates the Authority and forced him to do horrible things to people he loved last year. Show made a perfectly cromulent case for himself. Show says he's been sacrificing himself for 20 years for us, and we owe him one. Show raised valid cases about the fans judging him for making decisions that have great bearing on his life. He's not a traitor. He's not a shark. HE'S A MAN AND HE DESERVES RESPECT, DAMMIT! Rowan and his new wacky theme hit. Show mocked him with a baby voice for not coming out with his stuffed kitty cat. Show told him to just leave, but they brawled for a bit and Rowan took him out with bad punches and the spin kick. Handicap match rundown. I guess they kept Ryback-Henry short just in case Henry had to work twice - hadn't thought about that until just now. Seth chatted with them for a bit and man does he look gigantic next to them.

Divas title recap. Brie's out with her sister. Kris Jenner sent a tweet to Nikki. Okay then. Brie's horrible theme is still here. She's facing AJ, who stole the show by playing a ditz with "seriously, that title goes so well with yer shoes, ohmygerd!" and "Brie, lesbi-honest!". They do stuff for a bit until someone yells "go to the finish!" and Brie wins with a cradle after a Nikki distraction. OH MY FUCKING GOD, another Rose-Bunny tag. It's them against Nattie and Kidd. Bunny shook its ass at Larry. Bunny did the strut - NATURE BUNNY! After several minutes of bullshit, the Bunny accidentally pulled the ankle of Rose and they lost via distraction schoolboy. Rose somehow looks older and more sleazy since last night. THE BIG GUY met with Renee, and THE BIG GUY's hungry near Thanksgiving - he wants food now too and oh joy, we're going to get Ryback-Kane at some point.
 A New Day cut a preaching promo together about being smarter, stronger, and flying higher than ever before. Big E is the biggest, most awkward dancer ever - it's great. Renee and her guest at this time Cena and Dolph (so...guests?) talked for a bit. Dolph cut a horribly scripted promo about being saved by THE MAN CALLED STING and Cena talked for a bit about whatever. SD gets Miz TV with Show. Faces came out, then Bryan who got to drag out the intros for the heels. J and J Security won with 93%. They brawl for a bit on the floor before a break. JAMIE NOBLE IS DOMINATING JOHN CENA! I love this. Cole compared the stooges to Paul Blart: Mall Cop in 2015. Seth cheapshots Dolph and comes in dominate. Noble's back in and eats a dropkick. Faces hit double finishers on the security goons for the win. Bryan throws Seth in for a double finisher too. Okay then. THEN THE GM DING HIT AND THE GM STAND RETURNED OUT OF NOWHERE! Raw is Cyber Monday. FUCK ALL OF THIS BEEPING!

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