Monday, November 17, 2014

WWE Raw 11-17-14

After a day of off-and-on WWE 2K15 playing, it'll be nice to take a break from WWE for more WWE - NOW WITH GRUMPY CAT! A Ryback-heavy recap airs. AUTHORITY STARTS THE SHOW WITH A PROMO AND RAW MAY NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN! HHH started Raw off expositing about the storyline. HHH talked about how the fans want to see them relegated to being regular employees - how...odd. HHH said, after rambling on, that if you wanted to see the inmates running the asylum it would turn WWE into WCW. TEAM AUTHORITY IS DESTRUCTIVELY LETHAL. As opposed to what kind of lethal? Doesn't lethal kind of imply destruction? And they are facing A TEAM OF MALCONTENTS and THE GOLDEN BOY OF MALCONTENTS JOHN CENA. What the fuck is this? Steph talks about Captain John Cena. Does Captain Cena win a boat if he wins?  HHH says that TONIGHT WILL HAVE THE BIGGEST CONTRACT SIGNING IN WWE HISTORY!


Steph's "OH CAPTAIN MY CAPTAIN" amused me, but this sucks. Luke has his cleanest dirty shirt on, and he did his I'M A TEAM PLAYER bit again. Steph yammered on about Ryback for a century or two. HHH got two new head wrinkles here. THE BIG GUY came down with a BIG WEIGHT BELT! In 2014, we've got two former ROH World Champions mid-ring here - love it. Steph aired a video of Cena mocking Ryback a year ago. Fucking hell. Ryback says he'll play for TEAM RYBACK! HHH made Harper-Dolph and used THE TIME IS NOW for it. Well, if it's anything like the UFC presser today, that's not good news for Dolph. They showed the Team Cena-Authority graphic for the signing, and it seems like the show will end with Orton signing the contract.

They recap the Harper beating and it's now an IC Title match. BUT FIRST, Seth, Noble, and Mercury attack Dolph. Boot and a Liger bomb get 2. Yakuza kick in the corner misses! They come back from the break with Harper dominating with a neck snap. Thank God he didn't do a chinlock. Well, at least not for a while. Cole buried the MITB win and then JBL said HE CLIMBED A LADDER, which didn't put it over any more. Black Hole Slam gets 2 for Harper. Cole says this would be Harper's second title win, but it's his first - he was never tag champ. LUKE HARPER WON THE IC TITLE after the lariat, and he kept his Family theme, which fits him. It is surreal to see Harper, dressed like that, with a title. Curb Stomp to Dolph! This was fun and I'm glad to see Harper with some gold. OH MY GOD, Cole is in a white with black pinstripe outfit. King puts over WWE Pay Per Views and how you HAVE TO SEE THEM. JBL says it's the biggest main event in WWE history, so it's BIGGER THAN THE WWF POSSIBLY ENDING at Survivor Series 2001. Cole talked about GRUMPY THE CAT being on Raw tonight.

Kofi hopped in and said black guy things for The New Day. Miz did a wacky IN A NEW WORLD promo with Mizdow. Miz has aged a decade in a week. Grumpy the Cat was not amused by the Miz. They had a stuffed stunt cat. Oh my God this was terrible. Every single thing about this sucked outside of Miz saying he friended the cat on Facebook. They buried Cole for Grumpy the Cat, and then Adam Rose came out. Can Sunday come? Can they have Lucha Underground on instead of this? Anything? Bunny did the plunge and Adam was pissed. They plugged 2K15 and showed some mo-cap stuff. This ruled! A dreadful Ambrose Network ad aired. So why would Dean, the anti-Authority guy, cut a promo for their Network?
Tyson's reward for a week of outstanding matches on WWE TV is a match with Adam Rose - so don't try, guys. Just don't give a fuck, go through the motions, and do whatever. Trying will get you nowhere. Bunny danced and Rose tapped to the Sharpshooter. Bunny bit Rose on the ass and did an air hump. Well, that wasn't PG. Bray's here. Bray-Dean SD recap. Bray came out for his regular promo. Bray's shirt almost matched his tattoos, which was nice. He hopes Dean understand that their souls are intertwined. The Bray Wyatt character CAN be so good, and this isn't that. Dean buried him for cutting rambling promos. Then Dean did some wacky bullshit saying it's a taped promo and he jumped him in the ring. Cole said this was the most important Survivor Series ever. It's the most important Survivor Series in history because the go-home show started with a long, rambling promo? #contractsigning tonight! THE BIG GUY! LARRY THE CABLE GUY guest hosts next week, in almost 2015, and he looks old as fuck. So yeah, WWE doesn't exactly have its finger on the pulse of its fanbase.

Ryback faces Cesaro. Again, don't try. They brawled back and forth and Cena watched it backstage. Cesaro chinlock. Good God, I'm ready for the show to end and it's not even 9:20. Ryback gets some shoulder charges. Cesaro got a really loose sleeper and throws Ryback to the floor for an ad break. Time to edit Ryback in 2K15 to something resembling his current getup. THANK GOD A POST-BREAK CHINLOCK! Ryback got a spinning powerbomb out of the corner, which was both cool and new. Ryback goes for the Shellshock, but CESARO GETS ROLLING GERMANS! He got 2. Flying elbow gets 2 as well. Shoulder-mount slam gets 2 for Ryback. MEATHOOK COUNTERED WITH THE UPPERCUT! VERY EUROPEAN UPPERCUT kinda hits for 2! Shellshocked countered again, but the Meathook hits! Shellshock gets the desperation win - this got good at the end. Renee said words to Cena backstage while Cena watched, and then he interrupted Renee before she could ask another question - dick. Then Renee threw to the ring...and was interrupted by Rusev's theme in doing so. You've got over 3 hours, let things breathe!

Lana talked about Putin and the G-20 summit. Lana is disgusted by Kim Kardashian too. Good for her. No one can compare to Lana...well, she's not wrong. Lana immediately turned face by promising a topless photo and delivers Putin! What a great heel. Heath came out with a new Southern rock theme and dressed like Uncle Sam. GO UNCLE SLATER! Heath's got the red, white, and blue running through this badass Southern boy! Superkick>camel clutch. Sweet mother of fuck, more with Grumpy Cat and the Miz! Rowan came in and said kitty, kitty, kitty. He's got Bray's patch on his new jumpsuit, and he wants Grumpy Cat. The stuffed Grumpy Cat. Okay then. JBL literally just goes "okay...". Show came out for something. Maybe to introduce the Big Cat.


Steph talked about watching Show's debut as Andre's son and how he never reached his full potential. Oh good - the now-annual burial of Big Show! Steph, while burying Show for turning too many times, said that he should turn heel and join the Authority and go into the HOF. Steph's face was just beaming during all this. Before Show could answer, Sheamus came out. OH THANK GOD ALMIGHTY, A REVOLVING DOOR PROMO! Steph said that Sheamus COULD be deported before Sunday. Steph made Show-Sheamus, and made it a WWE Title contender's match. Hey, I'm always down for more Sheamus-Show! Now Cena is the number 1 contender, but I guess the winner here faces Cena for the real shot - or they just forgot Cena's the number 1 contender, or they don't care. They clubbered! They went to the floor and Show tossed him into the timekeeper's area for a break.

Mid-ring chest clubs from Sheamus after the break. Crowd is scarily dead for this theoretical top contender's match between two main eventers. Haas of Pain from Show. JBL said BEST FOR BUSINESS 80 times while Sheamus came back with Polish hammers. Mid-air thing resembling a spear from Show to Sheamus gets 2. These two have such good chemistry together. This is fun, but also sad since it's just a nothing match. White Noise gets 2. Electric chair spot again.  Rusev and Henry come down to attack. Slam through the announce table by Henry to Sheamus. Mid-ring Accolade to Show. Show is selling this move perfectly - his arms have gone totally limp. Cole told the story about Team Cena being taken out before the PPV.

Beating recap. Brie's out as AJ. Brie as AJ looks so much hotter than Brie does normally. The role of AJ Lee will now be played by Brie Bella. It's an exhibition match, which leads to AJ coming down. Nikki did jumping jacks to prepare while AJ said Brie looks better than she does in that getup. Nikki responds to an elbow with little infant baby slaps. AJ's distraction leads to a schoolgirl rollup win. Shining Wizard from AJ to Nikki, and she beat up Brie too with a DDT. Cole read off his tablet about a WWE Youtube channel video for 2K15's MyCareer mode.

Big E looked like a giant preacher with his New Day promo. Ryback was backstage taking his gloves off. Ryback takes an hour to take his gloves off? Cena wants him, but Ryback doesn't see his team. Cena said that yeah, he said those things to Ryback, BUT HE DID IT TO HIS FACE. So it's okay to be an asshole as long as you say things to someone's face? Cena said Ryback's not stupid, BUT HE IS SELFISH. Don't compliment him too much there, John. OH MY GOD A BRAY-DEAN RECAP! Usos came out for their traditional death spot match - UCE-O bit did get a reaction though. Fatal 4 way tag title match coming to the PPV with the Matadores, the Usos, Mizes, and the Dusts, and the teams are in action next somehow. Okay then.

SD will have The Dean Ambrose Survival Kit? Fuck this shit. It's an 8-man tag here, faces vs. heels. Okay then. King apparently stole a joke from Cole on the app or something. Guys are doing moves. Announcers don't care. I don't care. Fans don't care. More moves. JBL chant. Mizdow chinlocked the rope. Miz got cradled and Mizdow locked himself in one on the ropes. They all went on some weird rant about theories as to why Mizdow copies Miz. JBL's involved voodoo and Bourbon street, and went on for ages. They talked about Buzz Aldrin and the moon for a bit. Mizdow came in, then Miz tagged in to great heat. Double dive to the Mizes. Awesome Uso stuff to Stardust including a loose Samoan drop. Starudst hit his stupid finisher on an Uso after a parade of finishers and won. Grumpy Cat is shown either asleep or dead. Sheamus is apparently out of the PPV match now. CAN CENA OVERCOME THE ODDS!?

The Authority came out for the main event contract signing. Team Cena's destruction is recapped.
HHH - LIVE IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE WORLD LIVE! When it comes to the WWE...when it comes to the WWE... You love the WWE, right?
Oh wow. Remember when Heyman cut that big company-altering promo before a Survivor Series? Yeah, well this hasn't been it. Steph then cut a far better promo about their team killing Team Cena. Cena came down and was really confident about it. Cena talked about everyone watching the PPV for free. Well, I'm not - I'm paying so my video quality can suffer while more people clog the bandwidth. I hope the NEW TEAM CENA is They 2.0 - THE FORTUNE 4! The roster is so thin Cena now needs to get people from the crowd to team with him. What he should do is get that fan from the UFC presser who closed the show to join his team. Cena wearing his WWE Authentic Gear talking about sellouts. Cena did a wacky British accent while HHH of all people did the "yadda yadda yadda" hand motion. Cena had tons of jokes. HHH's head is so fucking gigantic. Vomit jokes for a PPV main event build. HHH told Steph he'd feed her some Sexual Chocolate. Um, wow. Cena buried Seth for his latex fetish... isn't it leather? Shocked he didn't make a vibrator joke too. Cena wants to fight HHH now for some reason. Dolph came down. Then Show did. I guess Cena's comedy has magical healing powers - so he's like Patch Adams, but less funny. Rowan joined Team Cena, which sure would've meant more if he wasn't a simpleton. THEN CESARO CAME OUT. Holy shit. Well, they're rocketing him back up the card here and I'm all for it. Is it perfect? Does it make total sense? No. But it'll be good. Nope - Cesaro's joining the Authority. Ryback joined Cena's team and Cena AA'd HHH through the mid-ring table. Wouldn't want to get someone else over with an HHH bump or anything.

Screens -
http://www.imagebam.com/gallery/knqvp2lhimgwd7c5p0qkcp1rywflofm8

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