Monday, December 15, 2014

WWE Raw 12-15-14

Jericho starts the show in one of his most mid-life crisis looks yet. He rambles on about loving the fans and they talk about Fandango taking his Slammy. Then Jericho talks about that and makes a ton of stupid Fandango names including I guess Fan-dipshit since he got muted. It's only 8:06 and I'm done with this. MUTE HIS MIC GODDAMMIT! YAY IT'S PAUL HEYMAN! And he's rambling about the Slammys too. And now they've found a way to make me not like Heyman either. He saved it with "AYYAAATOLLAAHHHH OF ROCK 'N ROLLA" with wacky faces and following it up with "How do you do that without getting dizzy?". Jericho demands $200 from Heyman for selling his best of tape. Heyman talks shit about Seth, who he wants to TALK TO LATER - thank God, more talking. Seth comes out to talk. Heyman, Jericho, and Seth exchange words for minutes before their formal talking segment. Of course!

Seth talks about THE VIGILANTE STING, three dudes chant for Noble, and Seth brags about Cena needing help to beat him. He wants a rematch - not tonight tough. God, I sure hope Cena comes out here to debate Seth's points. Nope - he just calls Seth a kid. Fuck off. Thanks John - way to set up the future. He's a kid with no balls, and a loser. A MAN doesn't complain - Cena's at least consistent. When he failed to win the WWE Title at WM 27, he didn't complain - title shots come and go. Cena wants a rematch, but he doesn't have power. IF ONLY HE KNEW SOMEONE WITH POWER. Rematch of a tables match inside a cage. So not a rematch then. Love Seth bitching about this and Jericho being the worst GM ever - even worse than the stupid computer! Great job building up that match tonight when we're not getting it. Seth and Jericho TALKED SOME MORE about Jericho beating Heyman. Logically, shouldn't Heyman just be leaving right now? Jericho-Heyman is happening later where I guess Brock kills him. 22 minutes to get to that. Yowza.

Heyman-Jericho can be either Extreme Rules, street fight, or no holds barred. So Heyman beats Jericho thanks to the no-rules stip no matter what. We come back for a graphic of that with Harper and Show mid-ring and Rowan on the apron. Dolph actually gets an intro. Dolph and Show start off, and Show's in new black and grey gear. JBL puts over the ladder match as one of the best IC Title ladder matches ever. Cole talks about how it was a night of THE FUTURE OF WWE. Speaking of which, 30 minutes in and there's been no mention of BRAY WYATT BEATING DEAN AMBROSE IN THE MAIN EVENT. Dolph gets stepped on. Show tosses him around on the floor. They come back from a break and Show does holds while they show TLC photos. Dolph gets the lukewarm tag to BIG RED ROWAN! Nice full nelson slam to Harper. Rowan takes Show out with a kick while Dolph Cactus clotheslines Harper to the floor. Show KO punches Rowan. Wow. On one hand, yay for no 50/50 booking. On the other, they've killed Rowan dead. Also, The Highlight Reel will have Rusev and Lana. What? I thought he had one with Seth later. Jericho met with Fandango about the Slammy. God no. Rosa looks 45 with this makeup.

Cole talked about over 15 million people downloading the WWE app and you can download it to vote on the Heyman-Jericho match. Cole talks about the SHOCKING ENDING to the Bray-Dean match. Bray and Dean will be UNDER THE SAME ROOF ON SD. Renee welcomed her guests at this time, The New Day. Xavier talks about the darkness and the light and some shit. They'll be facing Gold and Stardust. Kofi had some poems and said THEY AIN'T AFRAID OF THE DARK AW YEAH! Loved Kofi being slightly annoyed by Big E's sweating hitting them. "Towel off son!" This was by far the best thing on the show so far. Bellas face a team of female human beings in a tag match next.
They're facing Alicia and Nattie. Tyson's out "in support of his husband Natalya." Sharpshooter wins. Highlight Reel is next. Roman returns to action ON SMACKDOWN TOMORROW! Jericho has added a Rolling Stones lips tattoo, because why the fuck not. JBL buried Swagger for being a loser again and Lana talked about Rusev killing him again and Jericho using juvenile humor. Jericho buried Lana for her fake diamond buttons. Loved her "They are not fake!" He talks about Rusev showing Lana his Sputnik to relieve stress. Jericho calls her a ring rat and sings the K-I-S-S-I-N-G song about Lana and Rusev. He is literally using gradeschool humor. "IT'S THE US CHAMP AND THE COMMUNIST TRAMP!" She and Jericho exchange SHUTTUPS. Jericho brings out Ryback to face Rusev. JBL says that Ryback didn't earn a shot. Cole says HE BEAT KANE IN A CHAIRS MATCH! They recap Cena-Rollins and hype up the cage match.

Jingle All the Way 2 ad. I've got a free Redbox code and haven't bothered to use it on even that. OH MY GOD THIS '80S FILTER ON THE ASCENSION VIDEO! New Day came out and got no reaction. King talks about wanting a moaner or a screamer, but getting a sweater instead. Kofi talks about Big E's sweating problem. Stardust has new white and red paint with trim on the gear. Snake Eyes from Big E with a kick from Woods gets 2. Just for the record, we've heard more about Big E's sweating than we've heard about NXT R-Evolution - despite TLC being ALL ABOUT THE FUTURE and all. Team Black People sent Team Painted People to the floor for a break.

Big E ran wild on, as JBL called them, the gold and black people. Big CM Punk chant broke out. Kofi's doing a fine job on commentary here - he's an underrated talker. Cody locked on a front facelock. A GIANT NXT CHANT BROKE OUT. Holy shit. WWE has found a way to make fans rebel against their own product with their own product. Big Ending/DDT hits and Kofi yells MIDNIGHT HOUR over and over to get it over. Kofi is damn sure dedicated to getting this over - makes me want this to work. King buries the Heyman-Jericho stips for being similar - HA!

WWE WEEK ENDS WITH JINGLE ALL THE WAY 2! Somehow, that seems quite fitting. Miz talks about Jimmy Uso, who he faces later. Rose and the Rosebuds did stuff. They're party after his match. "Look everybody, it's Kane". Kane doesn't like his freaky friends OR their constant noise. Kane's a man after my own heart. Kane surprises Rose by saying he'll be in a match (why? he knew he'd be in one) against Kane. Jimmy Jacobs and Scarlett were Rosebuds here.

Rose came out with his group. The hot dog needs to be named Frankie the Furter since there's a giant Frankie sign in the crowd. Bunny jumps in to save Rose. Double chokeslam. TOMBSTONE TO THE BUNNY! Wacky Kane is amazing. Recap of the opening bit leads to Heyman warming up. Kane-Rowan is made for Main Event. Nope. King talks about WWE Immortals, which is coming on 1/15 and I have no idea what that is. Heyman says that he's the jew in jiu-jitsu! Heyman tried to buy him off WITH A CHECK! Cole is SO EXCITED ABOUT THE STIP, even though they're basically the same. Great shirt for Brock - they should release more of them based on the WWE Title sideplates. IT'S HOPPERIN TIME! Jericho hit him with forearms, went for a Codebreaker, and Brock just hoisted him, F5ed him and killed him. Goddamn does Brock have "it" at all times.Brock is the motherfucking man. I'm all excited now and all he did was ONE MOVE. Brock is such a master of the music between the notes. Crowd chanted for Cena who DID NOT HELP THE BABYFACE HE WAS ON-SCREEN WITH EARLIER. Jericho did Cena a favor and he didn't even try to help him - what a cock! I dig the new Fandango theme.
Fandango talked about Jericho before ROMAN REIGNS came back. Superman punch, spear. FANDOOMED! A massive ROMAN REIGNS chant broke out. BIG SHOW CAME OUT. Show has what, three feuds going on now? I guess Rowan might be done, but he should be feuding with Cena after the last two PPVs and this. Superman punch to Show. Show goes to  the floor and kicks the 288 pound steps. They barely budge, but clearly he's got about 1,000 pounds of pressure in that kick since they did move. This was great - fantastic half hour or so of Raw so far.

Roman recap. Miz is out to face Jimmy. JBL talks about Sabrina the Teenage Witch and Citizen Kane. JBL and Cole get into a debate over Harpo Marx and Lucielle Ball in almost 2014. Superfly dive wins for Jimmy. Naomi walked backstage and met with Miz - they weren't miced for a bit or something. Miz is inviting her to be her guest on Miz TV on Main Event. OH MY GOD, HER ACTING LIVE. Miz doesn't want her to tell her husband. Yes, DON'T TELL YOUR HUSBAND about something broadcast on worldwide TV and that will require her to travel specifically for that segment to TV. Renee met with Her Guest at This Time Seth Rollins, who was upset that 24 ACTORS, HOURS AFTER TLC, he had a rematch.

Wacky Hogan Shop ad. Hogan and Foley are so great plugging stuff. Seth's out followed by Cena. Seth hops up during a cage shot attempt and eats a super bulldog for 2. Corner to corner buckle bomb from Seth gets 2 - I love that he's light, but ripped, so that move has some credibility given the size difference. Cena gets his comeback after the break. Seth hits R2 and avoids the fist drop. AA hits and gets 2! Cena tries to escape, but Noble's got the door. CAN JOHN CENA OVERPOWER JAMIE NOBLE!? Flying famouser gets 2 for Cena. Seth's flying knee hits for 2. Seth talks shit and slams Cena into the cage. Cena eats a cage door from Mercury for 2. They do a tug of war over Cena, but of course Cena is stronger than 2 men. Noble tosses the case in before the door is shut. Love Noble's "GET 'IM!" Cena ducks the case and hits a nasty lariat. Great case shot gets 2 for Seth. CENA GETS A SUPER AA FROM THE TOP ROPE! They're both down and out. THE BEAST RETURNS! Rolling Germans. Brock is just lifting this motherfucker up like it's nothing! F5 hits! Brock stares at Seth, and then Heyman shakes his hand. This is a good way to set up Seth joining Heyman if/when Brock leaves. Curb stomp hits and Seth wins BY LEAVING! Why not cover him? Cena made this whole big point about Seth couldn't pin him, HE GETS A CHANCE TO PIN HIM and doesn't take it - this annoys me.

Screens -

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