Sunday, December 14, 2014

WWE TLC (and Stairs) 2014

Before the kickoff, they rundown a ton of vehicles behind destroyed and the Show-Henry ring destruction bit from Vengeance. They've got tables, ladders, and chairs at the panel - BUT NO STAIRS!? Booker talks about spending one half of his career in WCW, then going to WWE and being in one TLC match before randomly plugging his book. Heyman talks about the number 1 contender not being named if Cena loses due to the lack of Authority. Seriously? How shitty is the infrastructure for this company if that is to be believed? They yell $9.99 a lot for a bit. Kof-E face the Dust Bros later. Clips air of New Day winning and then losing in the tag team turmoil match. Tom Phillips, one of WWE's generic brunette men, is in the social media lounge. Dolph Ziggler, the Slammy award-winning Twitter guy, will be live-tweeting later. A $9.99 ad airs.

Wacky Bray-Dean hype vid airs. Bray molds demons. THAT WAS HEEEERRRR CHAIIIRRRR! Boy what a colossal waste of talent this feud has been. Naomi tells Miz that she'll make it on her own. Naomi's acting is terrible. If Naomi swerves her husband tonight, then Miz will help her out. Booker ranted about wives and having a RIDE OR DIE CHICK, LOVE YA SHARMELL! TONIGHT HAS THE VERY FIRST STAIRS MATCH IN WWE HISTORY! A CM Punk chant broke out. Booker's talking about TESTING ROWAN'S CARDIO. WHAT!? We get a silly ANATOMY OF THE STAIRS video. #AskZiggler talks about Sting, Brock, and the ladder match. All this for three questions. Dolph is out to steal the show, which is honestly terrifying. They tried to get over "The Vigilante" Sting a lot.

Pre-show match is up. YAY IT'S BLACK PEOPLE DOIN BLACK PEOPLE THINGS! One white guy in a hoodie next to THE STAIRS is dancing to their theme. Stardust has a black, gold, and GREEN outfit. Cody, like a moron, decided to climb a ladder and just jump off of it from 3/4 of the way up to the floor. Kofi and Goldust do an awkward headlock escape. They started talking about the Great Gazoo from the Flintstones and whether it was a comic or cartoon. JBL talks about how the Great Gazoo and Jumping the Shark being a sign that shows went on too long. MICHAEL COLE, THE VOICE OF WWE, SAID MIZ TV WAS A SIGN. Big E tossed Kofi over onto the heels. Cole, the voice of WWE, is Google Image searching the Great Gazoo instead of watching the match. He then talked about Harvey Korman voicing the character. Kofi hit the Elijah Experience in the corner to Cody. Goldust tags in and tells Xavier to GET THE FRICK OUT OF HIS WAY! Nice of Dustin to hop off the apron before Big E made contact. Kofi gets booed making a save. Big Ending/DDT combo hits. New Day wins.

 More with the panel. There's now a Shucky Ducky Quack Quack graphic! Renee talks about THE STAIRS BEING TERRIFYING! We get a Cena-Seth video with Cena talking about being upset with Seth's STUPID DECISION! Cena's house looks really dainty here. Heyman talks about tables breaking in unpredictable ways to put over the tables match. Riley talks about Sheamus beating Cena for the WWE Title in a table match. Jericho is guest GM tomorrow. Monday Night Wars will be about The Kliq.

WWE'S VERSION OF THE DEMOLITION DERBY began with clips of a demolition derby. I demand clips of Demolition's theme for this video. I'm kinda numb to all these weapon shots thanks to seeing 1,000 of them in just this video package. Dolph-Harper starts the show. Dolph's out in a Kent State Wrestling hoodie with Browns-inspired gear. Harper ducks a superkick and then they just got to the floor to get ladders. Dolph gets chucked into a ladder, then into the timekeeper's pit. He gets Harper off the ladder and eats a boot. They tease a powerbomb on a ladder bridge, but deliver a black hole slam on the floor. Cole talked about THEVIGILANTESTING! Dolph chucks Harper over the top and throws a ladder on him. Harper goes for a suicide dive while Dolph holds a ladder up for eons. Harper decides to jump into a ladder...why? Harper's arm got stuck for a stupid spot. Dolph gets pushed off the top of the ladder and hits the ropes a bit. Harper powerbombs him into a corner ladder. JBL dared to say that this could be the most physical IC Title ladder match of all time.

We get a new ladder spot as Harper puts the ladder over Dolph and does the rope boomerang! Dolph's nose gets messed up, the do a double-down spot off the ladder and the ref checks on him while Harper gets stuff ready. Dolph facebusts him into a ladder. Harper pulls him off the ladder and eats a big DDT - nice. Terry Funk ladder spin spot by Luke is met with a superkick. Harper gets knocked to the ladder bridge and you can see that his arm is covered in blood. Rough landing for Dolph off a bump off the ladder to the rope. Wacky ladder bridge mid-ring spot with Harper being taken down. Superkick on the ladder by Dolph and he wins. This was fine, but nothing I'd even want to do in a game. JBL called this a ladder match classic and Cole put over the IC Title being a star-maker. Well, at least they're going through the motions of putting the title.

Florida Georgia Line is proud of 'the troops thing".Usos came out with the Slammys. Mizes now have film reels on their gear. Jimmy takes Miz down and pounds him. Delayed double suplex to Miz. Mizdow stands on his head in the corner. Flying Uso is relegated to Naomi looking at it on a screen. Love Mizdow miming punches to Miz. They tease a Mizdow tag, but he gets schoolboyed for 2. JBL rambles about acting for a bit. "This is history, but I'm not sure it's good history." Miz gets the finale, but can't get the figure four. JIMMY GETS THE TEQUILA SUNRISE! Superkick to Miz! Jimmy goes for the dive with Miz 3/4 of the way across and in the wrong direction. Uso dive to Mizdow. Miz attacks with a Slammy for a DQ. Well, everything about this underhwelmed.

Byron welcomes his guest at this time, Seth and his goons. Seth talks about what's happened and talks about THE VIGILANTE STING! THE FIRST-EVER STAIRS MATCH is up next. Crickets chirped as Show, or THE BIG TRAITOR AS HE'S BEEN CALLED, came down. BIG RED ROWAN came out to no reaction. Rowan gets a few corner charges and hits the horrible spinkick to send him to the floor. I'm predicting ******* for this - take that, Okada! Some woman yells I HATE YOU at Show. Show GRABS THE STAIRS. Crowd's clearly scared to death because they're making no noise. Stunned silence I suppose. Rowan, who is now a MENSA MEMBER, makes a stair wall. I can't wait for Angry Birds: Stairs with that stair wall.Show is "taking his time" with the stairs. Show bonks him into the corner steps a couple of times. Ugh. Rowan slams him on the steps. Great. PIN HIM PLEASE! Show does a flying stairs shot and hits Show's side hard. "Show is smarting". Show chucks him through the stair wall with a tackle. Rowan boots the steps into Show's face. Chokeslam to the steps. KO punch from Show. Show puts the stairs on him to win. I like putting the stairs AROUND him, but not really on him, pinned him down.

Total Divas returns on 1/4 against the Tokyo Dome show. Wow - Seth-Cena's up next. Long recap vid from earlier airs and Heyman is at ringside. Cena says IT DON'T GET BIGGER THAN THIS! The mid-card of "WWE'S VERSION OF THE GOLDEN GLOBES". Cena gets a clothesline, but J and J prevent a table from being used. J and J prevents a powerbomb through a table. CAN JOHN CENA OVERCOME THE ODDS!? They're not really doing much here. It's just dragging on. Cena gets his comeback. TRIANGLE TRIANGLE SQUARE! COME ON SETH, HIT R2! Cole asks why the heels don't just toss Cena through a table. Valid point. He fights out of a triple powerbomb. Cena grabs a spare guardrail and hits Noble. Suplex to the guardrail for Noble. Nidia gets namedropped. Mercury and Seth try to bonk Cena with a table, but he ducks and they break the table on the post. Mercury's taken out. Punch exchange. Skywalker hits. Seth goes for the fistdrop, but he eats a kick. Cena does an awesome hop over the table and sets up a super curb stomp. SUPER AA THROUGH THE TABLE, but there's no ref. J and J moves him and throws out the table bits. "THEY'RE CLEANING UP THE CRIME SCENE!" Good old school boys. Cena DEFIES THE ODDS and avoids another triple powerbomb. AA to Noble and Mercury through a table. HE STORED UP THREE FINISHERS! They brawl on the apron and both go through the table. Yet another non-finish. One ref picks Cena. One picks Seth. They do a restart. Seth eats an AA ON THE ANNOUNCE TABLE, but it didn't break. Show comes down. Lord. THEJUGGERNAUTBIGDAWG comes out in black and silver gear. Superman punch to Show, Spear through a table. Cena AAs Seth through the table. Roman looked good for his two moves.


They throw to the panel and talk about THE HISTORIC FIRST-EVER STEEL STEPS MATCH!
Byron talks with his guest at this time Nikki Bella. Brie says she and Nikki had issues, but blood is thicker than water and that's it. Nikki gets shoved to the floor and does pushups. Snap suplex to AJ. CM Punk chant. Ringpost bow and arrow from Nikki - nice! Chinlock to AJ. Brie stalks on the floor. Nikki gets some horrible shoulders in the corner. AJ gets a neckbreaker and a 2 count. Tornado DDT from AJ. Disaster kick off the second rope gets 2. Wheelbarrow bulldog from AJ gets 2. Shining Wizard gets 2 thanks to Brie, who is tossed out. Nikki sprays AJ and forearms her for the rack attack win. Can't wait for the OSW Review of this show.

Human Friend Tom Phillips met with his guest at this time Roman Reigns. He MADE AN IMPACT tonight and he'll be in the Rumble match. He delivered this really poorly and messed up his  lines. Mr. Kane came down. Chair swordfight is won by Ryback to start. I'm praying for a "dumb as fuck" chant. Ryback gets a powerslam. Falling splash hits three times for Ryback. Kane eats some chairshots. "TABLES, LADDERS, AND CHAIRS, AND STAIRS, AND METAL BARRICADES AND BRIEFCASES!" Amazing Tweet. Chairshots. Boring chant. Kane gets a throat thrust. Another boring chant. Chairshot to Ryback. CM Punk chant. 2 count. Side belly to belly hits for Ryback. Kane gets a ton of chairshots to the back. Kane grabs more chairs. Kane goes to chokeslam him through chairs, but he eats a nasty spinebuster through them. Feed Me More lariat is met with a chair, a chokeslam, and a 2 count. Meathook. Shellshock, it's over. Thank God.

Toy ad. Rusev-Swagger is in the death slot. JBL hyped up Y2-JIZZLE! Swagger interrupted and Zeb's apparently been written off with the leg break. At least Dutch got one last big run nationally - and his biggest one yet. He needed some good after losing his granddaughter and got it. Swagger and Rusev brawl, Swagger misses the bomb, Rusev misses the kick, gets a takedown, locks on the Accolade. Swagger gets to the rope, gets put in it and he's in it FOR AGES not moving without the ref stopping it. Swagger somehow picks the ankle out of this. Rusev kicks out of the ankle lock and superkicks him on the floor. Swagger comes in at 9, eats a superkick and another Accolade and passes out. This was short and not awful. Brock-Cena hype vid for the Rumble - it's their EPIC FINAL BATTLE. This was great.
 Bray-Dean video from earlier airs here. Lilian introd the TABLES LADDERS AND CHAIRS MATCH with a weird echo. Dean comes out first followed by one of the coolest firefly entrances yet. Bray came out in a new brown leather long vest and matching pants. They brawl in the entrance way, then in the timekeeper's area. Then in the crowd. They go by the panel. Well, I figured if they had the props by the panel, they'd use them. Dean dives onto Bray off their table. Dean dual-wields some canes before tossing one down. Bray goes for a chair and eats the cane. Flying chairshot elbow to Bray. He bonks him with the cane in the throat on the chair. Dean eats a shot on top and goes through a table to the floor. Bray gets a normal-sized ladder and bonks him. Slam on the ladder to Dean sets up a senton. Bray puts the cane between his teeth. Pace is downright glacial with Bray on offense. Corner charge misses and he eats the ladder. Punch exchange mid-ring leads to a ladder shot and a corner forearm>bulldog. Dean hits the flying standing elbow off the ladder bridge in the corner for 2. Rope-bound dropkick leads to a flying legdrop to Bray's draped-over body. LARIATOOOO OF DEATH gets 2 for Dean.They fight on the floor again. During this war, Cole talks about CANDY LAND. Dean sends Bray to a table and hits a diving elbow through the table off the ladder. Some chick yells HOLY SHIIIIIITTT! Dean gets the bigger ladder and hits another flying elbow. This is basically a video game match. They go mid-ring and Dean eats Abigail for 2. Second one is countered into a schoolboy for 2. Bray goes into a ladder and eats Dirty Deeds for a 2.9.

Dean tosses a chair around on the floor. Dean goes under the ring and grabs a monitor. Cole says it's for the techs and Dean checks himself out. They show the stage setup for some reason. Dean goes and grabs a 25 foot ladder. Dean asks the SATs to leave and they do while he gets things set up. Bray chairs him to the gut. Trachea crusher from Dean to Bray. Dean climbed up top and hit the elbow off the ladder through the SAT - so that's the third ladder elbow drop spot so far. Logically, he should fail at one of these things. Monitor blew up in Dean's face. Abigail hits for the win. Ugh. TLC AND STAIRS fallout is up.

Screens -

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