Monday, December 29, 2014

WWE Raw 12-29-14

Tonight's Raw is theoretically a huge one - although you wouldn't really know it based on advertising. They've known Brock's coming in for weeks, but didn't build that up. Nope, instead Edge and Christian got the ad time. Bryan's also got big news to reveal, so one way or another, it's a big night. Roman vs. Seth with no hype tonight. Amazing. On the pre-show Riley says it's six months in the making. Yup. And we're getting it with no buildup.

The show starts with clips of Edge's retirement. This is a fantastic video package. Then they show clips of E and C. It's amazing how obsessed this company is with the Attitude era. It's like Al Bundy with Polk High. Edge is wearing a Sami Zayn shirt - good on him. It's amazing how much younger Edge looks now. Edge proposes a CUTTING EDGE PEEP SHOW tonight with Seth Rollins. Gotta love talking to set up more talking. Edge and Christian are just so clearly blasting through as many of their lines as humanly possible so the crowd can't react. Christian makes Dolph vs. Rusev, so I guess Dolph loses. Christian really wants to see Dolph and Rusev nude for some reason. Nope - he meant Lana, of course. They cue up a five second pose, BUT DOOM IS ON ITS WAY!

In passing, King mentioned that Christian's retired. Hell of a sendoff for him. Tommy Dreamer got a whole show, while Christian got literally nothing. Heyman talks about his client penetrating the virgin neck of Cena, which is odd. Cena comes out. LOL @ Cena being all badass here. Brock is just chilling in the corner not giving a fuck. Cena, being a coward, threatened the middle-aged manager and teased an AA. Well, that was indeed a way to start this buildup. Dolph-Rusev is next.

Cole, speaking for Vince, talks about Obama hating the new Congress. JBL talks about Putin watching live on the Dolph gets a dropkick and the leaping DDT for 2 and an act break. We return to Dolph eating a reverse body block on the apron. On the app, Dolph ate a slingshot. Dolph fights out of the corner with an uppercut and a missile dropkick - Rusev working against faster guys results in great matches. He had one with Ambrose and is having another one here. Dolph gets 2 off a Fameasser and 2.5 off a superkick! Rusev of course gets DQed for kicking too much ass. Rusev locks on the Accolade in the ropes - which was a fantastic spot that should've been saved for PPV. Ryback makes the save with the Meathook. Cole plugs Rivalries on the Network after the show. WOW, ON NEW YEAR'S EVE, YOU CAN WATCH THE HALL OF FAME AND WM XXX! JBL said he's not great at math, but it would be stupid to pay $55 for the Royal Rumble when you can pay $10. OH MY GOD, they're continuing to bury PPV. They get way way way way more than they deserve for Survivor Series and what do they do? Shit all over the people spending the most on their product.
 Ryback talks about how he wants to talk to the fans. 10 years ago, he was on Tough Enough. He was depressed, didn't talk to his family, worked in Louiville for 12 hours a day. He returned to an empty apartment and all he had was a stack of WM DVDs, and he came across The Secret, which changed his life. What's The Secret to Ryback's WWE success? Nexus stuff now. They're really going all out with him - can't blame them for trying. He shows off his massive leg scar from snapping his leg and got a huge ovation for it. They showed the return of Ryback as Ryback with some great WM shots and clips of him killing people. So yeah - Ryback's beating Rusev. Such a shame this is over the U.S. Title instead of the World Heavyweight Title. Shocked they didn't show him Shellshocking Punk on the cell. Ryback says it's not about USA vs. Russia - IT'S ABOUT A BIG GUY KICKING A BIG GUY'S ASS THING! I really enjoyed that - they're doing something with him and making an honest effort to give people a backstory you can care about.
Nikki beats Nattie in a nothing match that was basically a backdrop to this Kidd-Nikki thing. Mizdow talks to a guy. Naomi talking. And talking. And talking. And talking. She's wearing an Uso shirt, so she's turning with Miz tonight. Usos come out followed by the champions. This actually gets a big match intro. Miz takes some basic stuff. THEN MIZ EATS A DOUBLE ATOMIC DROP AND THINGS GET GREAT as he hops on the buckle and goes down selling his ass.
  USO CRAZY is met with a neck snap for 2. Chops. Schoolboy. Uso dive. This is one of those "they're doing moves" matches. Miz gets the figure 4, but eats a Tequila Sunrise. This got really hot afterwards with a superkick>dive getting 2, then the finale getting 2.9! SAMOAN SUPERKICK PARTY sets up a dive and the win. Shocked Naomi didn't get involved in the finish - I guess that happens at the PPV. King does a mid-ring interview with the new champs, which at least feels fresh. The less fat Uso plugs JR's BBQ. Amazed to see a JR reference right before the PPV. The fatter Uso is Jimmy. King talks about Bryan joining the ranks of Edge and Christian, so he's not retiring. Remember. THE SHIELD!? Dafuq with that? A wacky violin song plays a Shield vid. This did a fine job of setting up what should be a WM main event. This is such a great hype video...for the TV main event that wasn't advertised before tonight. Should've been a PPV main event.
 Cesaro's slumped in the corner with a PROFESSIONAL shirt on. He's tired of being told that he doesn't connect - he doesn't, HE DELIVERS! He doesn't care about elaborate intros - he just cares about wrestling. FOUR ROPES...FOUR SIDES! YAY IT'S TIME FOR SOME BAD NEWS! BNB now stands for Brand New Body. JBL buries Cesaro for "four ropes" and Barrett boots Cesaro to the floor. Big double sledge off the top from Cesaro. And now JBL's burying Cesaro and talking about the metric system. Well, I was excited about this match before it happened. Cesaro teases a swing, but delivers a half crab. Bull Hammer hits. Well, that's it for Cesaro. Maybe he can be Mizdow's stunt double. Can Cesaro just go to New Japan now? And that's how you re-heat, and then absolutely kill, bury, and put several landmines around the gravesite just to be sure a career stays dead. Harper talks about being a nightmare come to life.

I'M SEEING DOUBLE! TWO KRATOS! Swagger's out and he's just got nothing without Zeb. Swagger-Harper's up. Crowd goes whisper quiet for this. They do some moves. JBL talks about Harper being a former NXT Tag Team champion for the first time ever. Patriot lock is countered into a superkick. Unlike WM 21, this is just a 2 in a nothing match. CLOTHESLINE FROM SMELL wins and wow did that do nothing for anyone. Cena and Christian talk about Edge taking the WWE Title in '06. "Comedy" time. Cena thanked Edge for sacrificing for him.

IT'S THE HASHTAGBIGDAWGJUGGERNAUTTHESUPERSTAROFTHEYEAR! Then Show comes out for commentary followed by Seth. Roman dominates. Guys talk and talk and talk. And now thanks to this commentary, I don't care about Roman Reigns vs. Seth Rollins. Show's treating Reigns EXACTLY like he did Alberto saying "YOU'RE THEIR HERO!" long before there was a real reason for it. This chinlock should cure what ails this show. Oh thank God, it goes over a commercial break too. WWE went from seeming progressive to stale within the span of an hour of TV. That's terrifying. After several dozen chinlocks, Roman sent him into the buckle, but he ate the flatliner into the buckle. Roman with the Mark of Excellence...which is nearly identical to Cena's setup move. Roman eats a big kick, gets 2. Superman punch hits, but they miss the shot. He goes for a spear, but Show gets involved. OH NO! THE TABLE THAT ALWAYS BREAKS LANDED ON HIS LEGS!
They came back and said that EVERY PART OF HIS BODY COULD BE HURT, and he struggled to get to his feet. Dead. Seth talked to the goons. OH MY GOD MORE TALKING. I completely forgot about the Cutting Edge Peep Show. He wants Cena on the show, so we're getting Cena-Seth for the title, definitely. Goofy Dean-Wyatt video. I can't wait for their St. Valentine's Day Massacre match. Ambulance match is set for the first Raw of the new year. Bray talks about ambulances taking us to beginning and ending life. This will apparently be their final match. Bray hops into his conveniently-placed ambulance and leaves. Okay then.

They plugged Santino's new years party on Main Event. I demand a refund for my $9.99. Bryan's out, and we've got Seth on the CEPS, so Ascension gets the death slot. Well, they'd get it anyway down the line, but what a start for them.  Bryan talks about 2014 being the year where he main evented WM, won the WWE Title, got married...and then his dad died. He then needed surgery and doctors couldn't fix him. He cried about his dad and talked about how being in the ring is the only thing that takes the pain away. Bryan talked to his family, talked to Edge, and he realized it was time to make a decision. Is he going to retire? NO. IS HE GOING TO COMPETE IN THE 2015 ROYAL RUMBLE!? YES! And the roof will blow off the place. Edge and Christian sing a kazoo version of the Miz's theme.  Edge had a puppet. They made Miz and Mizdow wrestle next. Thank God Miz and Mizdow interrupted Edge and Christian or the Ascension would have no opponents.
 Bray and Dean go on the Peep Show on SD. OH THANK GOD, MORE AMBROSE AND BRAY TALKING! Mizdow got a jobber intro. The Ascension didn't actually ascend - they just did the faux-lift up bit with their legs. Ascension squashed them in a nothing match. They're doomed despite not even looking bad - they just didn't look very good either. Seth talked to Renee. Here I thought WWE was using Brock foolishly. Silly me - he'll be on The Cutting Edge Peep Show.

The set is just a black canvas with a handful of chairs. Hell of a budget for this. Lots of jokes. I'd be fine with Edge and Christian retiring from hosting talk shows too. Seth talked for a while. Then he brought out Big Show to talk. Seth talked some more. Fans put their coats on to leave. Edge talked about how Seth has no charisma. Seth talks about wanting Cena out here because he wants something from him. Seth attacked Christian, who can still take a stomach bump and they teased a gang beating on Edge. Edge actually got kinda physical here being put on the case. Seth threatened to paralyze Edge if John didn't come out. Why? What about this feud has gotten to anything close to this level? This sure escalated to a ridiculous level for some reason. There are many missing chapters in this book. After a century, Cole explained that Seth wanted the Authority back. THAT'S WHAT HE WANTS!? I thought he'd demand a title shot. The live sex celebration took less time than this. And with that. With literally no hype or buildup, we're getting The Authority back after a month. After a decade, we got to the big reactions we'll see in video packages that take up 10 seconds. And now HHH has teleportation powers. The Authority didn't even get a week of hype for a TV return - they're just back instantly. Holy shit. They've really gone off the rails completely.

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