Monday, May 11, 2015

WWE Raw 5-11-15

The show opens with a MYSTERIOUS BLACK LIMO. Yes, it's 2015. HHH came out, but no Steph. JBL put over this man getting out of a vehicle as if a title changed. Cole says THIS IS AN INCREDIBLE NIGHT. Shame they didn't, you know, SAY WHY THAT WOULD BE BEFORE THE SHOW. Bryan will talk about his career tonight. HHH says daddy's home and that means that his kids behave better, so he should say it more to Kane and Seth. Kane and Seth are now officially on-par with HHH's daughters in storyline.

After a century, Seth went into an exposition dump about the events that made it a fatal 4 way match. Loved the fans constantly chanting for Ambrose here. I assume he'll win tonight's main event. He yammered on about Kane and said that Kane and HHH used to run together. When? HHH killed the IC Title due to Kane, made him unmask, called him a murdered and screwed a dummy. Kane came out and was angry and thank God above, they talked some more. If Seth loses at the PPV, Kane loses his job. Tonight, Kane faces Roman. Seth faces Orton and in one of the greatest things in ages, JAMIE NOBLE TALKED SMACK TO HHH. Ambrose is thought of so highly that he gets to beat the goon squad. Boy howdy do I like his odds at the PPV! Dean came down and HHH revved up to his theme - that was cute.

Dean sold a ton for the goons, but he won so the fans will hopefully stop chanting his name. Noble's selling for the Dirty Deeds rules. Cole talked about Bryan making an announcement tonight. Sheamus is out to do commentary for Dolph-Barrett. Sheamus-Dolph is on the PPV. Sheamus gets to kiss an arse on Sunday, after not doing it on the last PPV. Sheamus vs. Dolph and another Neville-Barrett match it would appear. BOY HAS WWE CHANGED SO MUCH SINCE EXTREME RULES. Dolph gets 2 off a superkick and gets a dropkick sending Barrett to the floor.

A POST-BREAK CHINLOCK brings us back. Thank God I don't actually have to cover Raw on the Observer site - I'd be too busy going on mini-rants. After a minute of things, Sheamus distracted Dolph and he lost via bullhammer. After the match, Sheamus kicked the fuck out of Dolph with his shoes. Post-match, Sheamus and Dolph brawled and Sheamus kicked his head off. BOY DOLPH LOOKED SO GREAT HERE.

 People in over 100 countries have sent in videos for Tough Enough. Harper and Rowan came out. I hope Harper's never-ending stain is due to Rowan's wine. We got a recap of Rowan turning heel on SD for no reason. Fandango vs. Rowan is going on. Rowan kicks him, chokeslams him, and wins. Whatever. Cena US Title challenge is up. First, we get a recap of Zayn-Cena. They need to add this "John Cena Sucks!" thing to his theme in 2K16.

After two months, we got Cena saying he's doing this open challenge to give men a shot at a title who the Authority would block from the WWE Title picture. I hope we get Miz-Cena during this whole deal at some point.NEVILLE comes out! Woohoo, this should be good! Back elbow from Cena gets 2 and a chinlock is applied by the champ. Neville takes him down with a calf kick and Cena bails on the floor. Snap German from Neville gets 2. Neville gets a big Asai tornado flip dive on the floor!


Cena sells a shoulder to the gut before it hits. Five knuckle shuffle to Neville. High kick hits! Second rope Phoenix Splash hits and gets 2! Modified Michinoku driver hits for 2, and JBL calls it the TAKA driver. AA turned into a crucifix for 2. Neville flips out of the AA and Cena just starts running before he could know he was out of it and eats another kick for 2. Cena gets the STF off a mistake and he turns it into a cradle for 2. Cena gets a big lariat! Pop up kick hits Cena, which somehow leads to an AA for 2. Super AA attempt leads to a sunset running powerbomb for 2. Red Arrow hits, but Rusev attacks him. Rusev kicks Cena and gets the Accolade to take Cena out. A big WE WANT LANA chant broke out. Roman-Kane is next!


Kane came out and then Roman came out and bopped his head to his theme. KANE JUMPS THE BIG DAWG! I'm 99% certain that having Kane kick his ass will really help Roman out. Kane kicks his ass a ton before Reigns gets the punch and a spear over the announce table. Well, that wasn't really good - but still far better than a match would've been. AWESOME hype video for the new ECW DVD - it really is great.

Recap of the Naomi/Tamina beatdown. Brie came out to face Tamina and they had a pretty bad match. Booker specifies that Tamina has put on FIVE TO EIGHT POUNDS of muscle. Tamina shoves her off the second Brie Mode knee and superkicks her to death. 
AXELMANIA is running wild and Booker T is saying...some things. On the pre-show, Axel and Sandow did a deal. God, could they not turn their legends into literal caricatures? Macho Mandow came down in lime green and a shitty robe. This is so much worse than Mid-Life Crisis Macho, and how odd is it that his early day gear has become the definitive stuff others use to parody him? Then the Ascension came down before the big elbow. They ranted about ripoffs. So WWE is canon is officially that everything sucks now and you have to parody or rip off a legend to even be a mid-card guy now. Axel "drops the big leg" and one guy saves the other guy from the big elbow - so I guess this is the pre-show match.

Tough Enough cast was revealed. Tough Enough videos feature a guy whose motto is about 30,000 words. Bryan came out with the title. Bryan said he's been in and out of doctors offices and he needed to be back where the action was. Daniel Bryan feels like one of the few acts in wrestling who is in any way real. He thanks the fans for treating him better than anyone in the back, and then said that Steph was right to strip him of the WWE Title. The fans deserve a fighting champion. He had an MRI and they don't know how long he'll be out. It could be weeks, months, or that could be it for him. So Daniel Bryan's final singles match ever could've been on a random SmackDown. Also, his face is still fucked up from that match. Bryan said the title deserves to be in the ring, so that's where he'll leave it. A gigantic "thank you Daniel!" chant broke out - if this was it for him, it was great.

New Day came out and said it's time to stop being negative after Bryan, IT'S TIME FOR POSITIVITY. They buried Pete Rose. Kofi's hair is something else. We're getting some kind of New Day-Cesaro/Kidd match again on the PPV and BIG E VS. CESARO TONIGHT. Woohoo! 2/3 falls match on the PPV. JBL ranted about football and baseball being fake while the Twitter crawl showed something from Melissa Joan Hart about Bryan. Love Cesaro's NEW-DAY-SUCKS stomps, and more dominance led to an ad break.

Post break abdominal stretch. Cesaro counters with the Karelin lift. Cesaro avoids the Ultimate splash, but eats the ST-Joe out of the corner for 2. Cesaro gets a delayed belly to belly suplex onto E. Jesus. Big E tried to win with a distraction, but Cesaro countered the Big Ending into a wacky lucha cradle for the win! This was a ton of fun. Oh my God, the graphic for the WTFPowers vs. Ascension made the gimmicks look so awful. Oh, and OUT OF NOWHERE, Cole announced a WWE Network-exclusive PPV - Elimination Chamber. So Payback really doesn't mean much as EC will be the SECOND PPV IN MAY!  Holy hell did this come out of nowhere. WWE comes off as so desperate with this.

PTPs mocked the Outlaws. D-Young is of course an ass man. And then Bray's theme hit. Bray's finisher should be called Melatonin. He can have Matt Bentley as his underling like Raven did with Saratonin in TNA. Bray talked about Ryback's shattered little ankle and spiders and how Ryback hasn't seen anything like the new face of fear. Ryback came down in some of his worst gear yet and they brawled for a minute. So this sucked the life out of the show before the main event. Too Hot for TV is focusing on disgusting things.

Main event time. They do some moves for a bit before a break. Seth gets the post-break chinlock on Orton. Seth avoids the powerslam by hanging onto the ropes and elbows Orton, who eventually gets the powerslam and a 2 count. Awesome bit with Seth flipping out of the 3.0, and then Orton hits him with the exploder (and repositions for the hard camera).

Seth missed a Stinger splash and Orton tried an RKO, but Seth turned it into a schoolboy for 2. Kneeling superkick got 2. Booker said that move usually knocked guys out. How? They always kick out at 2. Draping DDT hits and the goons hit the ring to cause a DQ. Wow. What a finish. Seth takes Orton down and then Kane walks down. The goons attack Orton again, but Dean and Roman come down to make a save. They all trap Seth and Kane teases help, but Dean hits his finish on Seth. Dean picks him up so Roman can spear him. Orton's pondering face is something else. RKO hits. Orton spear Seth. Dirty Deeds to Roman - so they actually made the hometown guy look strong-ish. If he was going to win, or if they were serious, he'd have gotten a bigger role - but this was a fun little thing. Cole hypes up that Zayn-Owens will be on the Network right after Raw.

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