Tuesday, February 2, 2016

TNA Impact Wrestling 2-2-2016

The show starts with a horrible shaky-cam video of EC3 leaving a building and telling the crew to be somewhere at 4 PM. Matt Hardy comes out with Tyrus and Reby, wearing a gaudy black and gold getup. Matt says that sometimes, you have to do business with people that you don't like and have to to make hard decisions. A fan says they want Jeff and he says you won't - karma got him last week. Also, apparently EY is a part of Jeff's past. Reby says she couldn't stand the thought of "her beautiful husband" was living in Jeff's shadow. Black yoga pants are a good look for Reby. EY and Bram come out and we see more replays of EY piledriving Jeff off the apron through the table.
EY says Roode cost him the World title, so he took his belt. Jeff took his contendership, so he took his career. AND THE WORLD TITLE GOES THROUGH EY. Kurt comes out to thankfully shut EY up. Kurt says Matt has degraded the title since he won it, leading to the greatest awful delivery ever from Matt - "DON'T YOU EVER. SAY. THAT!" Kurt announces himself against Matt as per some random male TNA official. Great faces on Matt here. Beer Money comes down to help even the odds for Kurt. Storm does a great faux-PA system deal saying that Beer Money will now start kicking ass and take out EY and Bram. Decay brawls with this group too. One Night Only Rivals ad.

Feast or Fired case reveal recap. Drew says that WINNING THE TNA TITLE CASE WAS LIKE WINNING THE LOTTERY. Tyrus and his Beats tell him that it's not a lottery ticket - it's a target on yo chest. We get a really cool shot of these two face to face. Lashley comes out and Pope runs his usual stuff down on him. Josh gets off an amusing line "Lashley passes ALL THE TESTS" and we see Raquel - who is named for the first time. They just strike back and forth in a nothing manner. Aiden's got good punches though. Lashley asks Raquel who she is and eats a big punch by O'Shea. Slick back suplex counter to an Aiden headlock by Lashley. Flipping spear hits and wins - and of course, the striking spear is out of the 2K games even though it's perfect for that. Raquel says she can bring him pain or pleasure and Lashley kinda smiles. Emoting has never been his thing. Or talking. Aging too, actually. Maria walks backstage.

After the break, we see EC3 being miced up to talk about talking later. Maria says she usually introduces The Miracle, but she wants to talk about her passion - women's wrestling. Five star top on Maria. The knockouts division is broken and only she can change it. Maria praises her for being a wrestler, but SHE IS A BUSINESSWOMAN. And she can make her mainstream! Maria is so great as this delusional, crazy pseudo-cult leader. She's even better at feigning fear and her faces are just beyond everyone else in wrestling. Beer Money has a fun little bickering battle with The Wolves. Hardcore war is next. Another tease for the EC3 interview.
Davey comes out first with a chair while Steve has a bat with barb wire on it. So is this just a one-on-one gauntlet? Every two minutes, someone joins in. Okay then - well, that's a bit nutty. They made it seem like an 8-man war at once. Bram comes down to brawl a bit. Storm comes down with a keg while Josh does a plug for ET AT THE GRAMMYS and talks about the Biebs. Keg to the balls of Bram leading to a chairshot on a keg to the balls. Okay then. Fans chant one more time, so Storm does it again! Simple, predictable comedy works the best sometimes.
EY comes down with a kendo stick and does nothing until an ad break. More stuff. Abyss and Rosemary come down. Rosemary is just "that thing" still. Four way suplex leads to a four way BEEEERRRR....MONNEEEYY! spot. Mist and a belt shot ends this. Not much to the match itself, but it was fun and killed a lot of time. Rosemary remains fantastic and it's astounding that Abyss's black, brown, and red gear color didn't do a thing for him - but works really well for this whole act. Drew chats with Kurt and Kurt calls him a world-class athlete that is going to help TNA for years. Drew vs. Tyrus is next.


No one gets an intro and Tyrus gets a cheapshot. Tyrus dominates with slams, chinlocks, and an elbow. Drew lands a machine gun chop and punch combo before hitting the big flying lariat off the top. He goes for Future Shock, but Tyrus backs him into the buckle and hits a heart punch. Pope notes that this knocks the wind out of you. Tyrus goes for a pump splash, but gets powerbombed! Drew sets up the claymore, but Maria's theme hits and Mike Bennett hits him with the case. Bennett's hair is just dreadful. We get a weird cut and Mike tells him to believe in the miracle. The case isn't Drew's miracle - it's his, and HE IS THE MIRACLE TNA NEEDS. Fantastic KOed face on Drew.

Kurt says that he's proud of what he's done in TNA - he's had tons of classics and says he'd love to retire as champ. Lashley walks in and says that he'd love to face Kurt as the World Champ - since he could then win the title from the same place Angle took it from him last year. Hmm...I like this heelish Lashley. Uno is out for the Helms challenge match. Shane Helms comes out with an even more generic tron than his shades one - it's just his name, and Josh calls him THE GREATEST CRUISERWEIGHT OF ALL-TIME. Helms says he isn't dressed for the occasion, and the reason is that Uno agreed to a match - but he never said he would be in it. Uno isn't ready for Helms, but he is ready for Trevor Lee. He has an awful theme - one of TNA's worst in a while.

Lee lands some shots and Pope talks about HurriHelms and how Lee is back in TNA after earning the respect of the locker room. If this is his return, and it's a surprise, how exactly did he do that? Lee is the world's oldest 22 year old. Camel clutch with a knee to the spine from Lee looks great. Love the corner forearm rake too. Some moron keeps yelling GOAALLLL in the crowd while Josh talks about how amazing Helms was. Lee gets the deadlift gutwrenches, but one is turned into a schoolboy for 2. Rana off the apron by Uno on the floor. Big German is turned into a body scissors for 2. Mushroom stomp leads to God's Last Gift for the win and new champion. Lee has great facial expressions too - a good trait to have when you have his look. Matt walks backstage and the EC3 interview is next.

EC3 says he's been a piece of shit and he realized it when he suffered the worst beating of his life. He felt unbeatable and realized that he was beaten. He wants to win to be the best and that happened when he became champion. EC3 says he has a problem and he'll face that son of a bitch head-on. He's coming to the UK to revisit each sin Matt Hardy brought upon him and give it back tenfold and he will be the rider upon a pale horse. Well, that was outstanding - it's such a shame that this isn't the Spike era of TNA.

Angle comes out and then Matt and his entourage do. Reby throws her jacket at Kurt. Tyrus chokes him on the rope. Josh commends Tyrus for just doing his job, right after talking about Matt disgracing the title. And then talks about how he's just a sellout. PICK. A. SIDE. Either be a babyface or a heel - don't switch sides, especially within the same angle. Overhead belly to belly by Kurt sets up a German chain. A suplex city chant breaks out while Tyrus hops on the apron and an Angle slam gets 2.

Ankle lock after an ad break. Tyrus clotheslines Kurt on the floor. The ref gets wise and he talks to Pope while fans chant for Pope and one says GOALLL more. Matt sloppily armdrags out of an Angle slam and Kurt gets another ankle lock. Side Effect gets 2. More Germans. Eleven Germans total. Matt grabs the ref, elbows Kurt's eye and kicks him in the balls - ha! Twist hits for 2 - shocking Reby. Matt hops around a bit, goes for a Twist and we get MORE GERMANS. This is literally a video game match with non-stop special meter. Reby pulls the ankle and Matt lands a super Twist of Fate for the win.

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