Sunday, February 21, 2016

WWE Fastlane 2016

Fastlane pre-show is up. Corey has the perfect douchey beard. Damned onion ninjas are attacking during this epic Daniel Bryan video. video. Crisp. Clean. CLEVER!? WHAT ON WWE.COM IS CLEVER!?  This Heyman-narrated video for the main event is fantastic. Heyman chats about HHH vs. Brock at WM after tonight. After the first three Brock-HHH matches, I'm so ungodly happy that we aren't getting another match. They spent A YEAR OF BROCK'S CAREER as a part-timer feuding him just with HHH. Bunch of good that did each man. Why isn't The Cutting Edge Peep Show on the pre-show and THE MATCH on the actual show? "I'M JUST KIDDIN MARIO!" Oh JBL. Mauro is so great. Mauro goes into the history of 2/3 falls being traditional title matches in Mexico and formerly in NA too. Kalisto has some of Rey's look, but none of his physical charisma and nowhere near his skill. It's like making any random 300 pound blonde Hulk Hogan. The commentary for the show has likely peaked with the pre-show. That is just sad.

Mauro puts over the history of the title and Alberto attacks the mask. Kalisto gets a snap rana and 2, before a floor dive. Alberto mocks the LU-CHA chant. Mauro referenced ADR facing Rey in a 2/3 falls match and now he's facing Kalisto. Even by wacky lucha standards, that barricade rana was all sorts of choreographed-looking. Alberto chairshots him to lose the first fall, but weaken his foe. ADR beats the daylights out of him on the barricade and steps. Nice post-fall beating. Why not do that during round 2 since nothing he did warranted a DQ? Ad break. JAKE ROBERTS ON CAMP WWE. Double stomp not off the top, but with Kalisto in the ropes wins for Alberto - so it's 1-1.

Corkscrew dive gets 2. Rey comeback gets 2. JBL talks about how Octagon trained Kalisto and he's forgotten everything. Mauro is calling everything by their proper name, and it's amazing. ADR lands the double stomp on the barricade. Kalisto could've prevented that by just NOT HOLDING ON. Moron. SDS attempt is held on, but he turns it into a flying mare into the buckle and gets a cradle for the win! AJ says he was inspired by Sting and says he played for the minor league AND THEN WENT TO JAPAN, and now he's in the major leagues. NEW DAY NETWORK PROMO!

Sasha's out - so the divas tag is the opener. Becky has added a wacky hat to her attire. I feel so much more attached to her character now. Naomi's hankerchief-inspired pants are odd. Tamina and Sasha start. Naomi lands five billion wacky hoppy kicks that would sure make sense if you were 4 years old and in a fight. It was nice of Naomi to throw herself over the top rope for Becky. Rear view gets 2. La Mistica crossface and the disarmer win! Nothing at all to this match.

"I think losing the Intercontinental Title was the best thing that could have happened to Dean Ambrose!"Cut to IC Title match. Amazing. "I'm more popular in your hometown than you are!" Owens is great, and starts with a headbutt and some dominance after a chest-first buckle bump. "Chinlock Island - ALL NIGHT LONG!" Heartstopper gets 2. This show has been 30+ minutes of matches where people have done moves and I just can't care about a lick of it. Super sidewinder suplex by Owens! Superkick by Dolph on the floor. Superkick by Owens in the ring, but he's too exhausted to cover. ANOTHER DOLPH SUPERKICK GETS 2.9! "We got a superkick party!"
Rana into the steps by Dolph gets 2. Powerbomb wins it!

Show, Ryback, and Kane with AC-TING! Heels come out, then the faces. Big guys do big guy moves for a while. Nothing exciting happens. Stream dies. Great stuff with Show tossing Harper onto the Wyatts on the floor, with Kane helping with the catch. THEN HE FLIES INTO BRAUN WITH A SPEAR! Ryback lands an awful Shellshock to win. That was legit the worst Shellshock he's ever done - and he used to do it to 2 guys. This song for the revamp seems more fitting in a vacation hotspot commercial. Jojo speaks to Roman. To-night. You face. Ba-rock Le-snar. And your. Bro-ther. Dean Am-brose. Why is Roman posing like he's in an MK 3 versus screen?

Charlotte-Brie is up next. Good God help us all. I might be too cruel - I would rather watch Brie be a bad Daniel Bryan tribute band than hear her act. Brie has new taken her husband's kickpads. Charlotte gets some awful shoulders in the corner before we get a wacky belly-holding counter to the Alabama slam. Drop LOL hold there as Charlotte just threw herself back into it. I LOLed at Charlotte taking a kick to the ass and then just walking forward and THROUGH THE ROPES PERFECTLY. Missile dropkick by Brie. Brie and Charlotte are very bad at playing pro wrestlers. Brie follows up on her husband's kicking sequence with X-PAC'S FINISHER for 2. Brie gets an awful Yes Lock into a worse Calgary crab. Cole yells a lot. THE MORE I YELL ABOUT THIS STORY THE MORE IMPORTANT IT IS! LOOK AT HOW MUCH I'M YELLING. Brie's knee gives out and Charlotte gets the figure 8 for the win.

AJ STYLES HISTORY PACKAGE!? We get some WCW and New Japan shown here - with the latter being in photo form. Pop-rana from AJ, who has slightly new gear tonight. Stiff chops and forearms lead to AJ taking a big bump for a backdrop. JBL references Kobashi, Kawada, Hansen, and Inoki. JBL is clearly getting his 999 yen out of NJPW World with all these puro references. Wheelbarrow facebuster gets 2 for AJ. AJ eats a Lionsault for 2. Surly, ground-based Jericho would be a smart style for him to work now. He's just not fast enough for this kind of match anymore. Springboard forearm countered by the springboard dropkick! Sloppy rana counter off the top leads to the Walls. Liontamer on the floor! AJ comes in and eats a Codebreaker! It gets 1 thanks to AJ being in the rope, and we get a Clash. CLASH ALREADY A 2.5 MOVE!? Calf Crusher is on and it wins. "AJ has cemented his position in WWE" - to be Participant 5 in Random IC Title Ladder Match at WM. Chris pulls him off the top and is angry. Could Jericho at least kinda sell the leg here? We get a handshake. "Great show of respect there AND ON EVERY WWE PPV, WE HAVE OUR KICKOFF PANEL!"

New Day on SD recap. E and C clips. New Day insults them. New Day insults LEAGUE OF NATIONS!? LEAGUE OF NATIONS BABYFACE TURN!? So now Edge and Christian and the New Day are friends for some reason. Murder Christian, someone. Anyway. This sucked. Social Outcasts are out. YES. A SPECIAL WWE NETWORK SPECIAL WWE NETWORK EXCLUSIVE BONUS MATCH! "So buckle up your seatbelts, check stop signs, and pull out carefully!". Bo rules. "Can I have a Volvo? They have great safety ratings!" Bo as Filbert from Rocko's Modern Life is great. Truth vs. Axel is a thing I paid money for. "You're a goddamn moron if you pay $60 for this show! BE LESS OF A MORON AND ONLY PAY $10!" Somehow, Truth loses and I don't care how.

MAIN EVENT TIME! Heyman introduces his man as FIGHTING OUT OF THE WINNER'S CORNER and we get a German to Roman and then an overhead belly to belly on Dean when he tries a German. Brock catches Dean on the floor for another overhead belly to belly. F5 hits Roman, but Dean saves. Spear hits Brock for 2. Superman punch to Brock, but he goes to the floor. Brock goes for an F5 to Roman through the table, but Dean low blows him!

DOUBLE POWERBOMB TO BROCK THROUGH THE TABLE! Brock recovers, but eats another one. The "brothers" fight and we get a Superman punch, but Dean knees him to avoid a spear and gets 2 off the Dirty Deeds! Roman goes for a Samoan drop, but Brock Germans both Roman and Dean as he's on Roman's shoulders! Brock gets the Kimura on Roman, but Roman gets him up and Dean chairshots the back! Brock is sent outside and Roman pins Dean with the spear! This was exciting as all hell. It was a crazy video game match, but made you want to see WrestleMania...not so much Roman vs. HHH though. Roman gets a ridiculous amount of pyro and HHH comes down. "The Game COULD VERY WELL BE THE GREATEST OF ALL TIME!"

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